Your Princess is in Another Castle (14 page)

“Back in the olden days it was considered scandalous to show off your ankles
,” says Seth.  “I think Irving’s point was to make the Katrina character flaunt her sexuality as opposed to him actually having a foot fetish himself.”

“No,” says Chris.  “Becaus
e I feel a sense of kinship in Irving’s other writing, too. He shared my enthusiasm for feet.  And if it was done just to make Katrina be a little scandalous with her behavior, then she could have worn the short petticoat without Irving specifically stating that she had the most attractive feet in the entire country.

“
But anyway, when I was looking at Sam’s feet I had an epiphany.  I told her that since you weren’t willing to take her out that I’d like to.  Right there in the cafeteria I asked Sam out.  And she said yes.  Yes, she said.  Sam gave me her number.  And I’m going to call her.  Then as she was leaving Sam said she’d like to meet my friend Justin Bailey again so she could tell you off.  I didn’t know what to say that at first, but finally I said that I might be able to make that part of our date.  Sam laughed and told me to call her and then said goodbye.”

I had
foreseen nothing like this happening.  Worst case scenario Chris actually starts seriously dating Samantha which could lead to all sorts of recurring awkward encounters.  I wish Professor McMullan had never surmised that I was single and given me that newspaper because of it.  I wish I didn’t give off so obvious an aura. 

“So why Justin Bailey fo
r an alias?” asks Chris. 

“More importantly, why an alias?” asks Seth.

“The man obviously likes his Metroid,” says Jimmy.

“
Jimmy’s right,” I say.  “The name Sam reminded me of Samus.  And I was only ever planning on seeing Samantha the one time so I didn’t think using my real name mattered.” 

“And in the end you couldn’t even do tha
t,” says Seth.  “What if the date had gone well?”

“It wouldn’t have,
” I say.

“
But I loaned you some of the money,” says Chris.

“I paid you back.”

“Nevertheless,” says Chris.  “And your whole little spiel about using Sam as a springboard to asking out Sabrina is just a fable you’ve spun as well.  I think that you’re in love with Jessica.  That’s what I think.  You won’t ask out Sabrina, who I know is interested in you, because you’re in love with your best friend.  Jessica’s also the reason you keep self-sabotaging other potential dates.  You need to accept that you’ll only ever be friends with Jessica and start focusing your efforts on Sabrina the Grail Girl.”

“Grail G
irl?” Seth and I both ask.

“You handle this
one, Jimmy,” says Chris.  “It’s your expression.”

“This Sabrina
of yours is a cutie who works in a comic book store,” says Jimmy. “She has interests atypical of most women.  That makes her a Grail Girl, as in the Holy Grail.  Grail Girls are to be quested after just as the Knights of the Round Table quested after the Holy Grail.  Yet you fear to undertake the quest, even though you know you would likely succeed in it.  Why do you not wish to drink from the proverbial grail that is Sabrina?” 

“
Because I’m not Sir Galahad,” I say.

“He is definitel
y not Sir Galahad,” says Seth.  “Galahad had courage.”

“Now
, there also exists the opposite of a Grail Girl,” says Jimmy.  “They are called Ring Girls.  A Ring Girl is a girl who goes to the midnight premiere of The Return of the King with her boyfriend and when the first scene begins with Smeagol and Deagol discovering the One Ring, said girl turns to her boyfriend and asks ‘Is that the Ring?’”

“I take i
t that you personally overheard that comment being said,” says Seth.

“Sure did,” says Jimmy.  “
The girl sitting right behind me said that.  Obviously, she had never seen either of the first two movies or read the books if she had no idea that she’d just witnessed the One Ring claimed.  So what business did this Ring Girl have being at the midnight show given that she’s that ignorant of The Lord of the Rings lore?  I wanted to stand right up and order her to leave the theater.  But I didn’t.  I just sat in my seat in disbelief.  She really had no clue what the One Ring was.”

“Probably just some cute chick the guy convin
ced to see the movie with him,” says Seth.  “Frankly, I admire his ability to get a non-fan to go to the midnight premiere.” 

“Still, would it have killed h
er to watch the first two films beforehand?” asks Jimmy.  “There were plenty of actual fans that couldn’t get tickets for the midnight show, and here Ring Girl is asking the stupidest question imaginable during the film’s very first scene.  But my point is, and this applies to all of us, is that we should always strive not for a Ring Girl, but for a Grail Girl.”

“
Very true,” says Chris.  “I’m setting up a date with a girl who has a Watchmen button on her book bag, a girl who seems to actually understand Watchmen, even.  But come on, Jimmy.  You brought The Lord of the Rings up.  And you know why you did.  It’s time for you to share some of your counsel.  Lord knows Seth and I have already tried.  But maybe Justin Bailey here will listen to an outsider.  Maybe what he needs is some wisdom from The Red Book of Westmarch.”   

“The Red Book?
” I ask.

“Of Westmarch?” Seth asks.

A slight look of irritation forms on Jimmy’s face.

“They’re just
messing with you, Jimmy,” says Chris.  “They know what The Red Book of Westmarch is.”

“
Yeah, the book in which Bilbo Baggins recounted his journey to the Lonely Mountain,” I say.

“And t
he same book in which Frodo Baggins would later recount the War of the Ring,” says Seth.

Jimmy
looks calm again.

“That’s right,” says Chris.
  “The Red Book of Westmarch is Middle-earth’s equivalent of an omnibus edition of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.  But you see guys, for Jimmy, The Red Book of Westmarch is much more than mere fantasy fiction.  It’s a way of life.  For Jimmy has long believed that any event in life can be analogized to a scene from either The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings, and that such an analogy will lead you to the correct course of action.”

“It’s true,” s
ays Jimmy.  “When I was a child back before I could read on my own, my father read me The Hobbit as a bedtime story.  I was entranced.  So naturally, the first novel I ever read on my own was The Lord of the Rings.  After that I read what little else Tolkien had published during his lifetime that featured Middle-earth.  And I tried reading some of the books that recount the history of Middle-earth that were edited by Christopher Tolkien, but to me he’s always come across as an arrogant bastard that thinks he’s the Son of God, and I really couldn’t care less about his own personal thoughts and commentary on Middle-earth. 

“
The Red Book of Westmarch itself is what matters, what is important, and reading it is how we can learn to better ourselves.  It’s a book that will show you the way every time and without fail.  I’ve yet to hear or even imagine a scenario that would be impossible to be compared to some aspect from either The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings.  Oh, and The Lord of the Rings is a singular novel.  It’s not a trilogy, and damn the man who first divided it.”

“
The Red Book may indeed be a useful life coach,” says Seth.  “But Justin already knows what he needs to do.  He just needs to accept that he’ll only ever be friends with Jessica and then ask out Sabrina.”

“Do you have to keep calling me
Justin?” I ask. 

“Yeah, I do,” says Seth.

“Merely knowing what need be done is not the challenge,” says Jimmy.  “The One Ring need only be cast into the fires of Mt. Doom in order to destroy it.  That’s a simple enough conclusion to reach.  But it’s an epic ordeal to actually accomplish.  So come now the one who calls himself Justin, as I, with the knowledge I’ve gleaned from The Red Book of Westmarch, shall impart unto you the wisdom you seek.”

The three of us all scoot
closer to Jimmy as if he were our grandfather about to tell us our favorite story.       

“Before we begin though
, you guys have read the novels, right?” asks Jimmy.  “You haven’t just seen the movies?”  He eyes us expectantly.  “Chris, I know you have.”

“Been a long time, but I have,” I say.  “Read
The Hobbit a couple times.  Rings just once in full, though.”

“Same for me,” says Seth.  “Could name all the dwarves
in The Hobbit if you wanted me to.  But why?  Did you not like the movies?”

Jimmy scoffs.  “They were okay, perhap
s the best film adaptations of the novel that could realistically get made.  But they all have their problems.  All three are rife with Liv Tyler bullshit at the expense of characters like Tom Bombadil.  However, the films did allow the tale, as imperfectly as it may have been told, to reach a much larger audience than the book would have reached on its own.  And many would go on to read the novel because of their seeing the films. 

“
Now personally, I would have preferred no adaptation at all, just as the majority of Sunni Muslims have an interdiction against visual depictions of Mohammed.  But the films happened and I saw them, and I support their good points in addition to cataloging their flaws.  I just needed to know if you’ve read the novel or not so I’d know if I have to dumb anything down.  But now we can begin.” 

Jimmy closes his eyes and takes a deep breath
.  “Unrequited love.  You long to be with Jessica,” he says pointing at me with his eyes still shut.  “Alas, she regards you merely as a friend.  This causes you great pain.  A predicament you share with Eowyn, shieldmaiden of the Kingdom of Rohan, for Eowyn was in love with Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, but his heart belonged to Arwen.  And in your eyes I see the same desire to prove yourself that burned in Eowyn’s.  Yes, while it is a gender reversal, you walk the same path in life as Eowyn walked in her story arc.” 

Seth and I look at Jimmy
unsure of what to make of this.  Chris is looking at me and nodding his head in awe, a true believer. 

“Now
Eowyn yearned for the opportunity to prove herself a warrior to the Rohirrim, who doubted her because she was a woman,” continues Jimmy.  “Your only doubter is yourself, Justin.  Because Jessica rejects you as a lover you project onto yourself the visage of one unworthy of anyone else’s love, remaining distant even to a girl like Sabrina.

“Now
in Middle-earth’s gravest hour, the Witch-king of Angmar’s armies besieged the White City of Minas Tirith, and the Dark Lord Sauron summoned a great cloud of darkness that covered all of Gondor and blocked out the sun in an event that would come to be known as the Dawnless Day.  It was at this time that Eowyn disguised herself as a soldier named Dernhelm and rode with her people to Gondor where she would be a combatant in the greatest battle of The War of the Ring. 

“
You, too, will experience a Dawnless Day, Justin.  And it will be a time of heartbreak and fear.  But when it comes you will not despair, rather like Eowyn you will assume a false identity in order to ride out and become what you’ve always desired to be after having been held back by your own doubt for so long.  And it will be directly due to this adopted falsehood that you shall allow yourself the will to ask out Sabrina.

“
Now when Eowyn and the riders of Rohan reached Gondor, Eowyn met the Witch-king in battle on Pelennor Fields.  He boasted of his might, that no living man should hinder him.  It was then that Eowyn cast away her disguise and slew the Witch-king as the woman she truly was.  You must remember this, Justin.  If you are to truly succeed with Sabrina, you too must shed your false skin.  You will win her in the end by being who you truly are.  Don the mask at first, but remember to remove it when the time comes as Eowyn did.  Do so and you will be successful.”               

“So w
hat should he do in the meantime?” asks Chris.

“There is nothing he can
do now,” says Jimmy.  “He won’t act until the situation is at its most dire.  He must await the Dawnless Day.” 

“Wise council indeed,” says Chris.  “Listen to him, man. 
Await the Dawnless  Day.”

“You seem
pretty sure of all this,” I say, not entirely convinced.

“Putting my faith in Tolkien has yet to lead me as
tray,” says Jimmy.  “But if you really need something to do in the meantime you can reread The Lord of the Rings.  That might help you.  Don’t watch the movies.  In fact, the bile dialogue spoken between Eowyn and the Witch-king during their confrontation in the movie is one of the worst departures from the novel.  It’s basically a dumbed-down version of the novel’s epic exchange so the audience could spend another fifteen seconds staring at Liv Tyler’s emotionally vacant face and listen to her echoey whining about Aragorn because god forbid they use solid existing female dialogue. 

“
Watch the end credits for The Return of the King.  Liv Tyler’s the third performer to be credited, right after Elijah Wood and Ian McKellen. The other seven members of the Fellowship, Miranda Otto, everyone but Frodo and Gandalf themselves get credited after Tyler even though her role was so small and she sucked so badly.  Personally, I think Peter Jackson was banging Liv Tyler during filming.  That’s the only explanation for her being credited third.”