Your Little Secret (26 page)

“Amber, no,” Connor literally gasped, unable to accept this was now over.

“You had your fun, and I am done being a doormat. I seriously thought you loved me, but clearly you only loved pleasing yourself.” She shook her head in disappointment. “I cannot believe you would do this to me. Everything you said to me, all the promises, absolutely everything was a lie.”

“I know I lied to you, Amber, and you’re perfect and you haven’t deceived me and I know I was wrong,” Connor rambled on, falling for the desperate man act. “You’d never do this to me, and that’s what makes it even worse. I messed up and I want to make it right. I want to be the guy you can love and be proud of because that’s what you deserve, Amber.”

Amber snapped. She snapped into action, and she snapped on holding her own infidelity quiet. “Well guess what, Connor?” she started to ask, grabbing her things. “I slept with Ethan and he was twice the man you were! So I’m not so perfect,” she told him, issuing her own piece of vengeance and finally went to leave.

Except Connor grabbed her wrist, spun her around and his emblazoned eyes told her this was far from over. The grip on her arm was knee-weakening, the pain striking through to her bone and she felt scared for the first time ever for being powerless to Connor.

“What did you just say to me about that fucking bastard?”

Pulling back her arm, she felt her muscles tighten. "Don't call him that. And don't you even start, Connor. Don't even go there. You left me to be with this whore." Amber waved her hand towards the girl now stood at the bedroom door. "So don't you even fucking dare!" Amber rubbed her arm and regretted every moment spent with Connor. "How could you?" She asked, now feeling the reality kick in.

"Amber baby please..." Amber lifted her hand to stop him. Fastening the bag around her she quickly pulled her hood over her head. "Amber
please!" Connor begged, his eyes growing heavy with tears. He loved this girl so much and he broke her.

"Fuck you, Connor, and fuck her too. I've been home for two days all alone and I came down here to be with you. I would have told you about Ethan, but I couldn't do that to you. Yet here you are all over this sorry looking girl when I've been drinking myself silly with pain. I now have nothing. I don't have you and I don't have Ethan. He's left.
Gone. I'm all alone in the whole fucking world. Thank you so much." Turning to walk down the hallway Connor grabbed her arm again.

"I can't believe you slept with Ethan."

Laughter escaped Amber's lips and she sniffled slightly. "I can't believe you did this to me after promising marriage to me, a chance at real life! You know what happened with me and my parents, yet here you are fucking some random woman who you've been seeing since before you left my house. Y'know, when I took you in, cooked for you, cared for you, fell in love with you. Have a good life Connor." Swallowing back the sob at the words she said to Ethan earlier she opened the apartment door and slammed it behind her. Running down the corridor she heard Connor chase after her but he couldn't get far being in a towel.

***

The streets were cold and her bags grew heavy on her back. Stopping at Hyde Park she couldn't believe how far she had walked. Sitting down on a bench she pulled out her iPhone and saw nothing. No notifications of any kind. Looking up, she spotted a Premier Inn and decided to check in before venturing back home tomorrow, not that it was home or any kind of happiness. She needed a shower desperately.

Paying the clerk the ridiculous £50 for the night she opened the hotel room and dropped her bags. She fell back against the white sheets and let her tired body fall into the mattress. She had no emotion. She was emotionless. Sitting up, she ordered herself some chips from room service and showered her worries away. Spending her evening eating chips and watching some action film on the TV in her room, she found falling asleep was easier, and she let her dreams take her away.

She awoke to manic tapping on the door and she bolted up from the mattress, her hand on her thundering heart. She looked to the clock and saw it was well after midnight and she just couldn’t comprehend who would be knocking on her door. No one knew she was here; no one cared enough to know.

“Open up, Amber! I know you’re in there!” Connor’s voice boomed through the locked door.

Lying back down, Amber allowed her racing heart to calm its galloping. Why should she answer the door to him? Why should she give him the benefit of the doubt? He didn’t deserve it, like he didn’t deserve a second chance. Hell, she didn’t deserve a second chance with Connor because they were both in the same boat.

They were even now.

Even if that didn’t change a thing, they had both been committed to an adulterous sin so they were on the same page. With that thought, she pulled herself up and stalked unhappily to the door. She had a face like thunder, wild hair and a raw, aching heart. With all that, she threw the door open to come face to face with a guilty looking Connor.

“How did you find me?” she beseeched heatedly, her hand on the door, blocking his way into her hotel room.

“I followed you,” Connor spoke with ease. “I had to.”

“You had to let me go,” Amber stated and swallowed hard. “You have no right following me. What are you going to do, Connor?” she asked in a sarcastic tone. “Going to tell me how sorry you are, play the remorseful man,
play the
victim
?”

“No,” he exhaled at her, trying to get her to weaken her resolve towards him.

“Then what?” she barked at him, realising the sight of him was slowly boiling her blood. “You have no idea how it feels to be me right now, Connor. No idea at all.”

Connor’s eyes widened in that moment.
“You cheated on me too! Don’t play the innocent fucking victim when you cheated on me too!”

“Once!” she bellowed at him, putting her finger up to apply the emphasis. “I did it once, and at least I told you! Had I just used the fucking key you gave me I could well have found you balls deep in her, and well, that would have been a wonderful parting gift.”

“Oh please,” Connor finally lost the solemn gaze and fought back. “We both did wrong. We’re both losing out here.”

“We’re both losing out here? I don’t see you losing much more than a
problem
,” she asked him. “I quit my job, literally quit my family to come here to you, Con,” she told him, her tears falling down in silent rivers. “I gave it all up because there was a part of me that just wanted to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want anyone else, but you, and the man that answered the door wasn’t you.” Amber shook with a mirthless laugh, “No, the guy that answered the door was the man that never rang me for days and rarely Skyped. He was preoccupied and distant. He didn’t care for me and he certainly didn’t want to marry me.”

“I’ve always wanted to marry you,” he fought with her, strained to get her to hear his tone.

“You wanted to marry me when you were fucking that blonde in our potential marital bed?” she asked him sarcastically. She received no response, no beggar’s belief saying, no pleas. “I bet I was all over your mind in that instant wasn’t I? I bet I was all you were thinking of. I bet you were wishing she was me.” Amber couldn’t withhold the sarcasm as she said each other sentences. “That’s what I tried to make myself believe for a moment. That you felt bad, that you wished it was me, that you got too deep, but that’s not the truth is it?”

“I did get too deep and I gave you that ring to help myself. I wanted to sort myself out. You were my incentive to being a decent guy,” Connor bargained with her, trying to make her see how guilty he felt.

“But when you proposed to me you were the deceiving guy!” Amber shouted at him, “Can’t you see how wrong that is? I shouldn’t have been an incentive for you to give up an affair, Connor! I should have been enough for you to never have cheated in the first place,” as she said that she broke down. “I should have been enough!”

“You were enough,” Connor told her back, the veins showing up as he began to get tenser over it all. “Why wasn’t I enough, Amber? You slept with Ethan, so clearly I meant nothing to you too.”

“
That
meant nothing,” Amber lied through her teeth at him. That night meant the world to her, but she wasn’t going to add fuel to the fire.

“You still slept with Ethan and where is he?” Connor asked in a dangerously low tone. “Oh yeah, not with you, is he? He’s elsewhere with Eva, without you and loving life by the looks of
Facebook. You had a man that didn’t want you.”

“Least I had him,” she said and slammed the door on Connor, ignoring his begging through the door. Sliding down the door she listened as his fist kept thumping on the door. "Go away," Amber screeched angry at his abundance. Knocking her head back she listened as he fell to the floor.

"Please baby, let me in."

"No."

"Amber please!" Connor shouted, desperation cursing through him. "Just talk to me I'm worth that at least right?"

Seconds passed before she heard Connor stand to his feet and walk away. Withdrawing a breath she didn't think she was holding she stood to her feet. Opening the door with trembling fingers she was greeted by Connor, who stood across the hall.

"Let. Me. In," Connor spat through gritted teeth. He barged forward and pushed Amber through the door. In a way she was happy that he was out of the corridor and not making noise.

"You can't just barge in here!" Amber yelled wrapping her dressing gown tighter around her.

"I can do whatever the fuck I want. Why did you do that, Amber? Why did you sleep with him?"

Shaking her head Amber sighed. "Get out, Connor. We're over, done. Just leave me alone." Amber began to walk back through to the window at the end of the room. Wrapping her arms around her she felt tears fall as the rain pattered hard against the window. "Go, leave."

"I can't, I wanna know why you did that. Ethan? Amber, why?"

"Because you didn't give a fuck!"
Amber replied turning on the spot. "You left me all on my own, and the whole time you were shagging that blonde whore. I obviously meant shit to you."

Connor stomped towards her and Amber moved back, frightened by the man she loved this morning. "The only whore here is you," Connor whispered, his mouth close to her ear.

Amber pushed him back, and slapped his cheek with the only strength she had. "Ethan was there on my birthday, you were probably too busy playing happy families with that bitch." Amber stood shell shocked for a moment before she began to laugh in disbelief. "I can't believe you just called me a whore," Amber whispered, scoffing slightly. "Me, a whore? What does that make you?"

Ignoring the question, Connor continued to plead with desperation. "I love you, Amber. I have loved you forever. I don't know what I was doing, it was temptation and I'm sorry. I love
you, you're the one I want."

"How can you love me, when you called me a whore a second ago?" Amber asked dumbfounded, her shock not easing.

"Because I was mad, Amber. I love you more than anything. I will always love you." Connor walked towards her but could see he was failing in getting her back. "I'm sorry," Connor whispered giving in to defeat. "Have a really lost you?"

Nodding at him, Amber felt the tears fall. "Just go. Don't call me, don't message me. Just leave me alone, okay?" Connor opened his mouth to speak but shut it quickly. "The sad thing is that I love you too, Con, and I more than likely always will. Go home."

Connor walked backwards toward the door, and left a broken man, and a coward for turning his back on the only girl he saw forever with.

Amber walked up to the door and rested her forehead against it. Memories that needed to be erased grabbed hold of her and she missed him already. Breathing in deep she held the lingering air in her lungs for a second before exhaling. Walking back towards the bed she slid in and pulled the crisp white duvet back over her shivering body. They were over.

***

The shower was warm and soothed her cool skin as she lathered her hair with the hotels shampoo. Amber was alone. She was forever doomed with the guilt she felt for the two men who she loved. Connor had cheated on her. That caused rage and pain. Feeling the tears fall down her cheeks Amber dashed them away harshly and left the shower.

Pulling on fresh underwear she discarded her dirty ones and felt clean. Drying her hair and tying it back, she felt a breakdown lingering in the back of her throat, desperate for an escape. Securing her bag and carrying her suitcase, she made her way through the busy streets of London.

Crashing into random people she apologised each time, and the tears came fast to her eyes. She didn't know how to get from one part of the tube station to the next, but she felt herself cram onto random underground trains, the sweat covering her body. Escaping her third underground train she stopped.

With blurred vision, Amber turned in her spot, panicking that she might miss any possible train home. She couldn't believe that in her hysteria she had ran into the wrong station and now felt trapped in the middle of St Pancras station.

Wiping her eyes, she saw a sign showing for Kings Cross and she ran the way it showed. She was a mess of tears and heartbreak and she didn't want to go home, but at the same time she didn't want to stay in London. Everything happened in London and she couldn't stay in a place she felt only offered her bad things. Then again, what did Leeds have to offer her now?