Your Little Secret (27 page)

Seeing an underpass that led from the station through to Kings Cross, Amber approached hastily with her bags and other emotional baggage and raced down the stairs. As she neared the bottom of the stairs, she lost her footing and fell and all she could do was watch the floor get closer as she continued to plummet to the hard surface.

"Whoa, lady!" a stranger exclaimed as he caught her in his strong embrace and he felt her just begin to sob harder. "
Ambi?" the voice pressed through her attacks of heaving cries, and he forced her to look at him.

"Ethan?" Amber exhaled, feeling deflated.

What were the chances that her hero was her
hero
?

“Hey," he grinned casually at her, more than a little happy to see her. His heart blossomed, exploded with the emotions of seeing her, but he hated how much of a mess she was in.

"No," she suddenly uttered at him and began to push him away. "Get off me." She forced him off her entirely and scrambled to her feet, grabbing her things and fleeing again. This time going back up into St Pancras station to get away from Ethan.

"
Ambi!" he cried out to her as she ran at the stairs in haste. He chased her up, trying to weave through the people so he could catch her. So he could stop her from leaving his sight again. "Please, Amber, stop!" he called out to her, finally covering the distance between their bodies.

As she fled out onto the crowded street he finally managed to grab her hand and stop her from running out into the road and passing traffic. He pulled her back to him, turning her a little so she was facing him, making her drop her things.

"I have a train to catch," she said, her voice darkened, heavy, almost lost with despair. "I don't have time for this."

"You always have time for me," Ethan said to her, reaching up to move some of her hair away from her face.

As his fingertips grazed her skin, she snapped. She had carried on living with a heart that only grew heavier and heavier as the days passed and now she collapsed under the weight. "You left me!" she ground out between clenched teeth, and she threw her clenched fists against his chest and hit him as hard as she could muster. "You were there and then you were gone and you just left me behind!" she heaved on her words as they spilt from her lips like venom. "You told me you would never leave me and you did. You left me just like everyone else leaves me, Ethan! You broke me!"

Ethan didn't say anything. There were no apologises, no words, no way to make up for his discretion of letting his broken heart lead him blind.

"You left me," Amber whispered at him again, her voice softening. Her eyes locked on his as she finally drank in the sight of him. Her heart raced as she felt for the insanity of her emotions. "You fucking disappeared! You just cut me off and you left me!" She hit his chest again, over and over until she broke down and she felt him catch her. "I have died since I found you gone, Ethan. I've been empty ever since and you weren't there to save me. You left me and I realised a little too late the one thing I wished I had really shown you."

"What,
Ambi?" he asked her, pressing with angst to find out.

"It's always been you and I lost my opportunity," she whispered to him, her heavy eyes looking at him. "Connor distracted me from what I've always, always wanted because I felt you didn't want me and then when you did, I lost you." She then gave in, looking back across the
road to Kings Cross and saw it as her only way out of this dilemma, then she looked to Ethan again and allowed her entire posture to just slump. “What’s it matter?”

“It matters more than you think,” Ethan started off gently, “Come and have a coffee with me. I promise you, I will pay for whatever train necessary if leaving is what you want, but give me five minutes to just understand everything that’s led to
this
,” he emphasised on their predicament, on their current crisis. “I need to know what the fuck happened and how we got like this, Ambi, because this is fucking horrible to live like.”

Amber just nodded weakly, unable to form an explanation or find the energy to go find her train tickets and head back up North.

Ethan took all of her bags from her, not questioning why she had so much stuff, and just gave her a friendly smile. He could see how sad she was. Her blue eyes were spiked with such sorrow and misery, Ethan felt a rush of guilt race through him, torturing him.

He said no more, just walked, and she followed.

Considering it was so late she was amazed at how many people there were still steaming around with places to go, places to be. She looked at the WHSmith to her right, Starbucks right before her and she had to admit, fleeing was the most optimal idea to her. Not sitting with the man that had literally killed the biggest part of her.

Yet her legs wouldn’t listen to her. Her heart created a barrier to stop her brain from forcing her legs to turn her on her spot and run for her life. Her heart told her to listen to Ethan and hear him out. Her head told her not to fall for him all over again.

For once, she hoped listening to her heart and her sensibility would work out well for her.

He sat her down in a corner seat, the glass walls around the small Starbuck’s station kiosk shielding her somewhat. He said nothing as he went and ordered their usual, his gaze travelling to watch her every now and again. He hated how ready she was to literally curl herself up into a ball and lose it completely. Every time she brushed her tears away, his heart cramped a little more.

Finally getting their drinks, he went back to their table. “Here,” he said softly as he slipped onto his seat, pushing her cup towards her. He knew Amber, knew how she processed and if he remained silent, she would break and cave.

Wrapping her hands around the white and green mug, Amber just gave in. Being given her favourite comfort drink – simple hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows – just made her lose it completely and shuddered into her sobs. “I lost it all,” she cried softly, not looking up, not howling her woes out. “I lost everything and I don’t know what to do anymore,” she looked up at Ethan, her eyes streaming with tears, “I have nowhere to go anymore and no one to even go to. I’m all alone,” she tried to look away from Ethan as she said her final words but she couldn’t. “And I’m scared.”

Ethan reached over, silent and reserved, but grabbed her hand in his.

“What am I going to do?” she asked and tried in vain to stop her cries, but now they had started she couldn’t stop. They were signs that she knew her fate, she knew that life would never be the same again. "The truth is, Ethan, the whole truth is that, well, I love you. I will always love you and nothing you or Eva or Connor can ever do will change that. This darkness inside me has swallowed me whole, it's followed me for months and now, I've found something out that has broken me. I can't find me anymore."

Ethan pulled his chair closer and brushed his fingertips across her cheek. "Smile for me, Ambi."

Amber matched his gaze, her eyes filled with water. "I can't," she answered through a sob and Ethan was on her in a second.

"Hey, hey, shhh now baby girl." His arms snaked around her, the comfort overwhelming her. Amber buried her face into his chest, her wet cheeks brushing against his suit. His fingers stroked through her hair, he had to give her this feeling of safety, when she was so broken. He let her cries shake and rattle her body and just let her let go of her pain.

It felt like forever that Amber held onto the only man that ever was there for her. She let his hands run up and down her back, the electricity cursing her veins causing
goosebumps to appear on her skin.

"Of course you're with Ethan. Who else would you be with?" Connors voice rang through their ears and they both separated instantly.

Amber moved back and stared at her melting marshmallows. She knew now that a fight was going to happen.

"Connor, I'd back off if I were you. Amber's hurting and she doesn't need you to make it worse." Ethan stood to his feet and towered over Connor by an inch or so.

"This is nothing to do with you, Ethan. I suggest you leave."

Ethan snorted and looked back at Amber. "This has everything to do with me," Ethan groaned gesturing towards Amber. "She's hurting, you hurt her big time."

Connor let out a loud belly laugh and smirked. "Is that what you told the poor bastard, Amber? Huh? That I hurt you?"

Amber looked back at the men and back to her drink. She didn't want Ethan to know the pain she felt, she didn't want to put Connor's guilt on his shoulders.

"She told me about you two," Connor spat, between clenched teeth. "How you fucked just before I got home. Was she good? Did you like my leftovers?"

Ethan's rage built inside and he couldn't help the pain bubbling from his stomach. Fisting his hand he swung hard and felt his knuckles connect with Connor's jaw.

Amber jumped up in fear and pulled back on Ethan's arm. But it was too late. Connor fell to the floor with a bang and staff told them both to leave.

Ethan grabbed Amber's hand and wrapped her baggage around
himself.

"Come on," he muttered as they ran down London streets. Reaching an open alley way Ethan pulled Amber down it as they both tried to catch their breath. The last thing they both needed was Ethan up for assault.

Amber rested her palms against her thighs and tried to let the air flow steadily through her lungs. An unexpected laugh took her over and Ethan smiled a half smile as he tucked some hair behind her ear.

Their breaths entwined in the cold air as silence drew thin.

“Do you know what you do now?” he asked Amber as her laughter died out, immediately allowing the misery back into her beautiful gaze. He watched her shake her head, her eyes looking down in the direction of the station and back at him. “You come home with me.”

“No,” she moaned as if in pain by the thought.
“No way, Ethan. I can’t.” Her mind was torturing her. She could only imagine Eva’s face the moment Ethan dragged her into the flat, baggage and all.

“Why not?”
Ethan asked, his face screwing up in shock horror.

“Eva,” she rasped, her voice stolen by the idea that the man she loved was never going to be hers. The tears beckoned forth at the three letter name, and Amber felt at a loss all over again. “I can’t. Ethan, I can’t go with you because I hate her for having you and I can’t see her when she rang me to gloat how,” she rambled, feeling herself becoming unravelled. “Fuck, she helped me get to this state,” Amber growled, hating herself for becoming so weak. She hated love for taking every piece of her strength away from her and leaving her a defenceless mess on the floor. “Between all three of you, you made me someone I hate.”

“What did he do?” Ethan asked, trying to understand. “What did Connor do? Ambi, I can, and I will, apologise for my mistakes from here until my very last breath for my part in making you someone so broken. I understand what Eva did, I overheard her conversation,” he saw the shock register. “It happened around the same time she was packing her things up and leaving me for another guy,” Ethan said and shrugged a little, he wasn’t hurt by losing Eva, why would he be? He was thankful for seeing the back of her. “What did Connor do, Baby Girl?”

“She left you?” Amber asked in total disbelief, unable to comprehend this.

“What did he do?” Ethan pushed the question upon her again, proving he wasn’t letting this go.

Amber sighed heavily and bit her lip before she spoke up, smiling a little at the irony, “
Wh-when I found you gone, I felt like my only option left in life was Connor. I mean he proposed to me, he looked after me, he even showed me the life he had set up for me. I lost you so I settled, except Connor isn’t the settling type.” She diverted her gaze, embarrassed at how unlucky in love she was now.

“My apartment is mine,” Ethan stepped in. “Eva hasn’t been there in days and to be quite honest if she were I’d kick her to the curb. Amber, give me this moment to pick you up and make this right. Give me the opportunity to right my wrongs because they have been killing me and I can see they’ve been killing you,” he commented and she laughed and nodded her head as if he wouldn’t believe her. “Give me a second chance,” he continued her desperately. “That’s all I ask for. A second chance and if I fuck it up, I get it, no more us, no potential us.”

“Okay,” Amber said without thought. She needed him. Maybe not as a boyfriend, but definitely as her best friend, and she knew she needed him for that sole purpose.

Ethan took her hand in his left hand, picking her bags up with his other and led her back onto the road. They didn’t make more than six feet forward before they were confronted with a fierce looking Connor, his face swelling from Ethan’s punch, the bruising beginning to dance across his pallor complexion. There were no moments of shock, just Connor’s anger literally spilling onto the pavement beneath their feet.

“You’ll pay!” Connor spat at Ethan, taking a threatening step forward.

Ethan’s face darkened. He let Amber’s hand go and dropped her bags to the floor before mirroring Connor. “I’ll pay?” he asked, his tone riddled with angst, the heat of his anger igniting. “Look at her!” He pointed to Amber, her posture still wrecked by whatever had happened. “She’s a mess, Connor. Want to help me understand that?”