Young Frankenstein (15 page)

"But I wa
nt
to touch it."

"-or to wait a little while longer, when I can give myself without hesitation? When I can be totally and unashamedly and legally yours?"

The doctor thought about it. "It's a tough choice."

"Is it worth taking a chance?" she asked.

He sighed. "I suppose you're right."

"Of course I am. I'm always right, you'll find. Now, let's say good-night."

Dr. Frankenstein leaned toward her, lips at the ready.

"Chapstick, dear," she said.

"Chapstick," he replied lovingly.

"No, I mean I've done my lips for the night," she explained, slipping her arm through his and guiding him toward the exit. "And I'm just too tired to do them twice."

"Yes, it was a long trip."

Elizabeth opened the door. "Nighty-night." She eased him out into the corridor.

"I was thinking-maybe I could tuck you-"

The door closed.

Dr. Frankenstein stared at it. He sighed again. Then he turned away and walked slowly up the corridor. After a few steps, however, he halted. A gleam came into his eyes. Walking on, he moved at a faster pace. And, reaching Inga's door, he stopped and knocked.

"Yes?"

"It's me."

The door opened. Inga was wearing a sheer nightgown and an even sheerer peignoir. Her big bazooms were on the verge of tumbling out.

"Is anything the matter, Doctor?" she asked.

"Just passing . . . thought I'd say good-night."

"Doctor," she said, concerned, "something's wrong
.
You look so lonely."

"No, no, not lonely. I just feel in the need of a good intellectual discussion, actually
.
"

"Would you like to come in and talk a little?"

"I wouldn't want to keep you up
.
"

She smiled fetchingly
.
"I don't think you'd be keeping me up, Doctor."

"Well, perhaps for a few minutes," he said, entering. He looked around the room. The bed was ready, the covers pulled back. "Einstein's theory of relativity- there's a topic," he said, pushing the door closed.

The monster sat glumly on the cot in his cell in the village jail
.
On the other side of the bars, two of his guards were leaving for the night, saying good-bye to the third guard, Rudi, who was remaining on duty
.

"Pleasant dreams," the first guard said to Rudi
.
"I'm sure your new friend will be wonderful company."

"Oh, don't worry about dis one," Rudi responded. "With him chained, him and me are gonna get along jus' fine."

"Good-night," the second guard said to Rudi, handing him the keys.

"Good-night
.
"

The two guards departed.

"Ja,
we gonna get along jus' fine, ain't we?" Rudi said to the monster, when they had gone. "We know what's good for us. So, we won't be no trouble
.
"

"Mmmmmmmmm," the monster moaned.

"Ja,
none of dat," Rudi said. "You save your singin' for da stage. Or I make you sing anudder song. How you like dat?"

"Mmmmmmmmmmm."

"Dat's what I thought. You settle down now. 'Cause you and me, we gonna be pals. Nice and cozy-right?"

"Mmmmm."

Rudi pulled his package of cigarettes from his shirt pocket
.

The monster, shifting his weight to get comfortable, rattled his chains
.

"Don't make a lot of noise," Rudi told him, taking a cigarette from the pack.

"Mmmmmm."

"Dat's right. You do what I tell you. Jus' like old friends, you and me." Rudi put the cigarette into his mouth, then struck a match. "Old pals, " he said.

As the flame of the match flared higher, the monster moved again, drawing away. His chains rattled.

"Shush!"

"Mmmmmmmmm," the monster said, frightened.

A grin broke out on the guard's face. "Vat's da matter?" he said. "You scared of dis liddle fire?" He laughed
.
"Some monster you are!" He raised the match higher. "Dis can't hurt you. See?"

"Mmmmmm!"

Rudi leaned forward, reaching the flame toward the monster, grinning wider. "You 'fraid, eh?"

Rudi made a sudden move, shoving the flame at the monster's face.

"Mmmmmmmmmrnmmm!" the monster roared in terror, throwing up his arms.

"You don't like dat!" the guard said evilly. He laughed again, enjoying the monster's fear. "See! Mama was right-liddle boys ain't s'pose to play with matches, is dey?" Tauntingly, he poked at the monster with the flame.

"Mmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmm!" The chains snapped!

The monster, suddenly released, reached out intinc-tively to protect himself from the fire. His gigantic hands found the guard's throat!

"Eeeeeeeee!" the guard screamed
.

In full panic now, the monster shook the man fiercely -until the guard's eyes rolled back and he went limp
.
The monster dropped him and he fell like a rag doll to the floor
.

"Mmmmmmmmm . . ." the monster whimpered, appalled at the thought that the guard was dead.

But then Rudi stirred, groaning. He started to rise.

The monster gripped the bars, watching
.

"I'll get ya!" Rudi muttered viciously.

In his mind, the monster saw the fire again. The terror returned
.
He ripped at the bars and they gave way
.
Freedom!

"Get ya!" Rudi said, struggling to rise
.

"Mmmmmmmm!" the monster cried, fleeing. He crashed through the jail door and disappeared into the night.

Rudi, on his feet again, staggered to the door. "The monster's loose!" he shouted. "The monster's loose!"

Lights began going on in nearby houses.

"The monster's loose!" Rudi screamed.

Men in nightshirts ran into the street
.
"The monster's loose!" Rudi wailed.

Others took up the cry. "The monster's loose!"

"Get the inspector!" Rudi shouted. The village was now ablaze with lights. Men ran toward the jail, getting into their clothes. They carried weapons of all kinds-guns, clubs, pitchforks, sabers. Some held torches. In the light of the fires, their eyes flashed with a mix of fear and hate and the lust to kill. Gathering in front of the jail, they became a mob.

"Kill him!" a man shouted.

"Kill the monster! Protect the women!"

"Down with Frankenstein!"

In this atmosphere of rage, Inspector Kemp arrived. He secluded himself in the jail with Rudi and got the guard's story.

"He went out of his head!" Rudi told him. "I was jus' sittin' there, mindin' me own business, and all at once he went out of his head!"

"Nature of the species," the inspector said.

From outside came the shouts of the villagers.

"Find the monster!"

"Kill him!"

The inspector stepped outside and raised his wooden arm, signaling for quiet.

"He's gone back to his master!" a villager shouted
.

"Kill them both!" another shouted.

"Hold on here!" Inspector Kemp said. "A riot is an ugly thing!"

There was resentful grumbling
.

"But maybe it's just about time we had one," the inspector added
.

The villagers cheered.

Inspector Kemp raised his wooden arm again, asking for quiet.

"The law must prevail," he told the villagers. "We shall go to the castle. We shall confront Dr. Frankenstein with the facts. And if, indeed, he
is
harboring the monster-" He shook the wooden arm like an iron fist. "-as Heaven is my witness, he will curse the day he was born a Frankenstein!"

"Yaaaaaaay!" the villagers shrieked.

"Down with Frankenstein!"

"Off with his head!"

"Kill the monster!"

With Inspector Kemp at the head, the mob began the march to Frankenstein castle. Along the way, others joined it. More torches lit up the night. The shouting continued, feeding the rage.

"Kill!"

"Burn him alive!"

"Kill!"

In time, the mob reached the castle
.
Inspector Kemp approached the door, and, using his good arm, pounded on it with the knocker
.

"Break it down!" a villager shouted
.

"None of that!" the inspector said. "A lynching is one thing-but destruction of private property, that goes against my grain."

As it turned out, there was no need to break down the door, anyway
.
It opened, and Dr
.
Frankenstein appeared.

"Yes?" he said, glancing curiously past the inspector at the mob.

Inspector Kemp became apologetic. "Forgive us for intruding so late at night,
Herr Baron . . ."

"Not at all. What can I do for you?"

"Here's the picture,
Herr Doktor,"
the inspector said. "These good citizens I have with me are ready to tear you limb from limb-unless you can offer some rational explanation to soothe their fears
.
They say there are still strange goings-on in this castle
.
How say you?"

"Preposterous!" the doctor scoffed
.
"Ugly, vicious rumors, that's your explanation."

"I expected it was something like that-" the inspector began.

From inside the castle came a terrified scream
.

For a second, those at the doorway became absolutely silent. Then the mob began murmuring. Questions flew.

"What was that?"

"Did you hear it?"

"It sounded like a scream, didn't it?"

"What do you make of it?"

The inspector addressed the doctor again. "And what, sir, is the rational explanation for that? Another ugly rumor, was it?"

The doctor, who had no more idea what the scream was than the others did, was equal to the question
.
"What was what?" he responded
.

"Sir, I'll have no more-"

Igor came rushing up from inside the castle. "The monster!" he informed Dr. Frankenstein. "He's back! The monster is back!"

Dr. Frankenstein retained his calm. "What monster might that be?" he asked Igor.

"What do you mean, what monster? The monster we made in the basement!"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," the doctor said. He turned back to the inspector and the mob. "I'm sure we're all very tired," he said. "I suggest that we meet back here tomorrow morning-eight forty-five, say?-and thrash this thing out in a civilized way, over coffee and
Schnecken
."

"But master!" Igor said, pulling at the sleeve of the doctor's robe, "You don't understand
.
That scream- didn't you hear it? The monster's got your fiancee! He broke into the castle! He's kidnapped her!"

"What?"

"I saw it!" Igor said.

"Impossible!"

From the rear of the mob, a villager shouted. "The monster! There he is! He's got a woman!"

"This is what comes of permissiveness, sir!" the inspector said harshly to the doctor. "You're paying the price-he's got your fiancee!"

"Nonsense-some village wench, probably
.
"

From out of the night came the scream again.

And then a woman's voice, crying out in terror. "Watch the Chapstick!"

"Elizabeth!" Dr. Frankenstein shouted
.

"After the monster!" a villager bellowed.

"Kill!"

"Burn!"

Torches held high, the mob swept off into the darkness.

"Wait for me!" Inspector Kemp called out, lumbering after them. "I'm your leader!"

"What now, boss?" Igor asked the doctor, when they were alone. "A little something to eat and then join the chase?"

"It's too late for that," the doctor replied. "He'll never trust the word of any man again. I've got to equalize the imbalance in his cerebrospinal fluid."

"I like your style, master
.
"

"There's only one way I know of to do that," Dr. Frankenstein said. "One slim chance
.
But, in order to

try it, we've got to trick him into coming back here on

his own."

"Whew!" Igor said. "That's a big order. Any ideas?" "One," the doctor replied, turning and going back

into the castle. His eyes were bright with inspiration. "I'll bet it's a doozy," Igor said.