Young Frankenstein (14 page)

There was a momentary hush.

The monster stared at the fire.

The audience stared at the monster.

Dr. Frankenstein rushed to the front of the stage. Trying to stomp out the fire, he broke into song again.

But all that came from the monster was a terrified, "Mmmmmmmmm!" as the fire flashed higher.

A scientist in the audience screamed
.

Dr. Frankenstein kept stomping and singing, motioning urgently to the monster to come in with the next line.

"Mmmmmmmmm," the monster moaned
.

"I gave you your cue!" the doctor raged at him
.
"Go on! This fire is nothing! Nothing, I tell you! Go on- sing!"

"Mmmmmmmm," the monster groaned
.

The cheers from the audience turned to jeers. A tomato came flying over the footlights and struck the monster full in the face.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm!" the monster roared.

Dr. Frankenstein addressed the audience
.
"Please! I beg you! For safety's sake, don't humiliate him!"

"Here's your cue again, for God's sake!" he shouted to the terrified monster
.
"Are you trying to make me look like a fool? Sing, you amateur-sing!"

Trying desperately to measure up, the monster opened his mouth
.
A raw egg came flying out of the audience and hit him square in the teeth
.

"Mmmmmmmmmm!" the monster raged.

"Boooooo!" the audience responded.

"Get him off!" a scientist shouted.

"Fake," another scientist cried.

"What else can your toy do?" a particularly unkind scientist shrieked.

"Mmmmmmmmmm!" the monster roared, stomping toward the front of the stage, going after his tormentors.

Dr. Frankenstein leaped in front of him. "Stop!" he commanded. "I say stop!"

The monster hesitated.

"Go back!" the doctor ordered. "Do you understand? I will not let you destroy my work! As your master, as your creator, I command you-Go Back!"

The monster responded with a colossal whack that sent the doctor sailing off in the general director of stage right, then, with a mighty roar, he charged the audience.

Screams!

A police whistle!

The riot police, with Inspector Kemp in command, appeared from the wings
.
With clubs swinging, they attacked the monster and quickly beat him and a few innocent bystanders into submission
.
In minutes, the monster, a mighty mass of force and strength-and nascent superstar-became a helpless prisoner.

Inga and Igor were waiting for the doctor in the entrance hall when he returned from visiting the monster at the jail
.
Dr. Frankenstein's face was drawn. His eyes were glazed. There was a telltale dampness on his cheeks, suggesting that he had been weeping.

"Is is bad?" Inga asked.

"Worse than can be imagined," the doctor replied
.
"They have that poor, dumb beast locked up in a cell. Never again will he walk in the sunlight
.
Never again will he hear the chirping of the birds
.
" He turned away as his eyes began to fill once more with tears of pity.

"We could send him a canary," Igor said
.

"Chained!" the doctor sobbed
.
"Chained like a beast in a cage!"

"If you think about it, that's what he is," Igor said,

"He doesn't have to be a beast," Dr
.
Frankenstein said, drying his eyes
.
"If I could just equalize the imbalance in his cerebrospinal fluid
.
..if I could find a way to do that, why he'd be as right as rain. But how? How?"

"If you're asking me, forget it," Igor said.

"I think I'll go down to the laboratory," the doctor said. "The answer exists ... if I can just find it. . ."

"I think I'll go up on the roof and play the horn," Igor said, departing.

Dr. Frankenstein set out for the laboratory, followed by Inga.

"Oh, Frederick," she said sadly, "if only I could relieve this torture you're going through."

He took her hand. "Thank you, my dear."

"If only I could help you relax," she said. "If only there were some way that I could give you ... a little peace."

He glanced at her as they descended the stairs. "It can never be," he said stiffly. "You know that."

"Yes ... I know that..."

"There is a very strong physiochemical reaction between us, of course," he said. "I mean, let's face facts."

"Yes, Frederick."

They entered the laboratory and halted. Smiling softly, Inga raised her arms and rested her hands on the doctor's shoulders.

"But we're not children," he said.

"No, Frederick."

Her big bazooms were pressing against his chest.

"We know very well what we can and what we can
n
o
t
. . . have . . ." he said.

"I think so ... yes ..."

"It's terrible, the price society demands in the name of fidelity," the doctor told her. "After all, in the final analysis, what is fidelity?"

"Not fooling around
.
"

"Yes, of course," the doctor said, taking her hand and leading her toward the operating table, "but what I mean is, not fooling around physically? Or not fooling around intellectually?"

"I see what you mean."

The doctor put his hands at her waist and lifted her up onto the table.

"Doctor," she said, "I've always wanted to know: exactly how fast is the speed of light?"

"A hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second," he replied, crawling up onto the table.

Inga lay back. "That's
awfully
fast."

The doctor lay down beside her on the table. "There can never ever be anything physical between us," he said, pulling a sheet over them. "You know that . . . dear..."

"I know, Frederick
.
"

"But an intellectual relationship like this, we could have as often as we wanted. Three times a day. Anything
.
"

"Oh, Frederick-"

Frau Blucher appeared from the stairway. "Excuse me, Doctor," she said.

"What is it?" Dr. Frankenstein asked curtly.

"A cable came while you were gone."

"Big deal!" he said. "I am
never
to be interrupted while I'm working
.
"

"I thought you might want to know about the cable," Frau Blucher said
.
"Your fiancee will be arriving any moment."

Dr. Frankenstein threw back the sheet and leaped from the table. "Elizabeth? Here?"

"Yes," Frau Blucher replied, departing
.
"I'm going now to prepare her room."

"Oh, Doctor," Inga said. "How wonderful for you."

"Yes," the doctor replied, smiling, recalling his fiancee's big bazooms
.
"See you later," he said, heading for the stairs
.

"But, doctor-the monster
.
You were going to do something about his problem."

"Tomorrow," he said. "Right now, I'm thinking about tonight. I've got to dress for Elizabeth
.
"

He raced up the stairs and went to his room. There, he bathed and powdered himself, then put on pajamas and a dressing gown and tied an ascot at his throat
.

"Irresistible," he said, viewing himself in the mirror.

There was a pounding at the main door.

"It must be Elizabeth," he said. "I recognize those knockers!"

Dr. Frankenstein ran from his room and raced to the landing. Elizabeth had just entered the reception hall. Inga and Igor were there to meet her.

"Darling!" the doctor called down.

She raised her arms to him. "Darling!"

He bounded down the stairs and took his fiancee into his arms.

"Surprised?" she asked.

"Surprised," he replied.

"Love me?"

"Love you."

For a second, they could not speak, so great was their joy at being together again.

Then the doctor broke the silence
.
"Well, why don't we turn in?" he said.

Elizabeth blushed. "Darling!" she said.

"I mean, it's been a long day," the doctor said. "I'm sure you must be tired. And we- Oh," he said, indicating Inga and Igor. "These are my assistants."

Elizabeth nodded to Inga. "How do you do?"

"So nice to meet you at last," Inga said pleasantly.

Elizabeth turned her eyes to Igor.

"Darling!" he cried.

She blinked, caught off guard.

"Surprised?" Igor asked.

"Well-yes-"

"Miss me?" he asked.

"I. . ." She turned to the doctor
.

"Ignore him," Dr
.
Frankenstein advised
.
"Ready to go up, darling?"

"Yes, I am a bit tired, after all."

The doctor looked down at her luggage, then turned to Igor. "Want to give me a hand with these bags?" he said.

"All right. You take the blond, I'll take the dark one."

"The
suitcases!"
the doctor said.

"Oh, them." Igor shrugged. "Okay, master." He picked up the small bag, leaving the two large ones for the doctor, and set off for the stairs
.

"What a strange fellow," Elizabeth said, as she and Dr
.
Frankenstein and Inga followed Igor up the steps.

"Yes. He's a little tilted. Harmless, though."

"Why does he call you 'master'?" Elizabeth asked.

He looked at her puzzledly. "Are you suggesting that I call
him
master?"

"Why, no, of course not. I just-Never mind, dear."

At the landing, Inga left them, going to her own room.

When the doctor and Elizabeth reached the room that Frau Blucher had prepared for her, Igor was waiting.

"We've got just enough for three-handed bridge," Igor said.

Dr. Frankenstein got him by the shoulders, steered him out of the room, and closed the door. The doctor then turned to Elizabeth, opening his arms to her.

"I
must
bathe, darling," she said. "It's been a long trip."

"Good idea," the doctor said, willing to wait until she had prettied herself up for him.

"Tell me what you've been doing," Elizabeth said, getting a sheer nightgown and an ever sheerer peignoir from one of her suitcases.

"Thinking of you," he told her.

"Surely," she said, going toward the bathroom, "you did something other than that."

"Oh, some puttering," he replied
.
"A little work on the reanimation of a dead being."

"Pardon?" she said, entering the bathroom.

The door closed behind her.

"I gave life to a dead man," the doctor said. He went to the door and bent down and looked in the keyhole. But she had hung something over it. "Bad job, as it turned out. He's a monster
.
"

"You'll do better next time," Elizabeth told him from the bathroom
.

"They've got him locked up," the doctor said.

He heard water splashing
.

"Why for?"

"He's a bad actor
.
"

"The stage is full of them," Elizabeth said
.
"They can't lock him up for that."

"No, I mean he went berserk. He might have killed someone
.
"

He heard the water draining from the tub. "Don't blame yourself, darling," she said. Dr. Frankenstein sagged
.
He
did
blame himself
.
He wished she hadn't reminded him of it
.
This was no time for self-recrimination, for guilt feelings
.

The bathroom door opened
.
Elizabeth stood there, practically visible in the sheer nightgown and peignoir, with her big bazooms on the verge of tumbling out
.

"Oh, dear," she said, "you look so distraught. Is it your monster? Is that what's troubling you?"

He nodded
.
"It's all my fault," he said
.
"Somewhere inside that so-called monster, there's a frightened child, crying out for love and understanding and normal human relationships . .. and I failed him ..."

She came to him. "Frederick, I'm sure you did everything humanly possible. Don't blame yourself."

The nearness of her big bazooms strengthened him. "You're right," he said. "The hell with him. This is a dog-eat-dog world." He reached out to Elizabeth.

But she held him off. "Is your room just down the corridor?" she asked.

"Sure. Want to go there?"

"I was asking in case I get frightened during the night. I wouldn't want to have to go wandering around willy-nilly."

"Actually," the doctor said, "I thought, tonight, under the circumstances, I might stay here with you." "Oh, darling-let's don't spoil everything." "I don't want to spoil anything," he said. "I just want to top it off."

"Would you want me now, like this, so soon before our wedding?" she asked
.
"So near we can almost touch it-"