You Only Live Once (5 page)

We’ve had to teach him about different emotions so that he can recognise these moods in himself and in other people. And he has definitely become more aware of his emotions. At his school there’s a chill-out room. If he’s feeling agitated for any reason, he can take himself off there, and return to the classroom when he’s feeling calmer.

He always has been very sensitive to noise and still is, though there has been a slight improvement. Nonetheless you still have to warn him when you are about to shut the stairgate. It doesn’t matter where he is in the house, he will still hear the ‘click’ of the gate shutting and lose his temper. At Christmas he hates the sound of presents being ripped open. And while he has become much more affectionate, he doesn’t like being around large groups of people. He is perfectly happy playing on his own.

His Septo-optic Dysplasia can also affect his behaviour if his medication is out of balance. If he is slightly unwell, we have to weigh up whether to give him more cortisol and constantly ask ourselves whether that is affecting his behaviour. There are so many things to consider with Harvey. But when his health is fine, and he’s naughty, well . . . he’s just being a typical naughty boy and you can’t make special allowances. For example, he’s got several keyboards and one day he asked me for his blue one. ‘Harvey find it,’ I told him. But he said, ‘No, Mummy find it.’ And when I said that I didn’t know where it was, he began making the moaning sound which is usually the signal that he is getting angry and is about to kick off. But I was firm and said again, ‘Harvey find it.’ And he went off and found it. I think he knew where it was all along, he just wanted me to get it!

He can also be quite cheeky. On one occasion I was putting him to bed and he said, ‘Cuddles in bed.’

‘In a minute,’ I replied, as Princess had just called out to me. Harvey started moaning, so I left him to calm down on his own. The next thing I knew he had unzipped the large bag of colourful plastic balls which he has in his room, and had thrown them over the balcony so they had rolled all over the hall. When I asked him what he was doing he ran back into his room, knowing perfectly well that he’d done something wrong. But actually, although I told him not to do it again, I didn’t mind him doing it as it was more cheeky than naughty, and showed the fun side to his character.

I love Harvey so much. To me he’s unique because of his condition and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t want him to be any different. But having a child with special needs can make family life a challenge. Harvey does need one-to-one attention and that can be difficult when you’ve got other children because they need your attention as well. If we’re in the car together and I talk to Junior or Princess, Harvey will start to get agitated because he wants to know that he has all my attention. He’ll always want to do the ‘And then?’ game or get you to finish his words. My mum could see that I needed to be able to have some time with Junior and Princess, so I could do some activities with them, and so she organised for Harvey to go to a respite centre at the YMCA on Saturday mornings, along with other children with special needs. Initially, I was resistant to this. I would always say, ‘We’re a family, and we should do things together.’ But the problem is, if we go out as a family, it always becomes all about Harvey and that isn’t always fair on Princess and Junior. Once the respite care was arranged, it meant I could take them riding at the weekend. As for taking all three children out together on my own, that just isn’t possible. For instance, on Christmas Eve 2007 I wanted to go to the supermarket to pick up some last-minute shopping, and thought I would be able to manage them all. But by the time I got there, they were all playing up. At that stage I couldn’t always rely on Harvey to walk, so I had to have the wheelchair with me as back-up and thought, ‘How the hell am I going to push a wheelchair and a trolley? I was going to insist Harvey walked, and promise him a cake as a reward, but then I thought, ‘I just don’t think I can do it. Harvey is so unpredictable. He could be in a good mood getting into the car, but then I could ask him to put his shoes back on, which he doesn’t like, and he’ll have a tantrum, and I’ll be stuffed, and I won’t even be able to get him out of the car!’ So I ended up forgetting the supermarket trip.

Being a working mum, I sometimes have to take the children with me to work. A business meeting with a large retailer in 2008, when I had to take Harvey along with me, is one which stuck in my mind. Harvey had an important hospital appointment later in the day which I wanted to attend with him, so he had to come with me. This was an important meeting for me, and the retailers had a lot of products to show me. My mum was there too, but I still felt as if I was split in half, trying to make sure that Harvey was OK while also having to give the retailers my attention. At times that became quite stressful. But then, I could also see the funny side as well. Harvey is always the centre of attention, and that day was no exception. The company had arranged lunch for us, complete with chocolate cake for dessert. As soon as Harvey spotted the cake he started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to himself, ending up with ‘Hip-hip-hooray!’ He always does this whenever he sees a cake, it doesn’t matter where he is or who is with him. And while he did that, the business conversation ground to a halt. It was Harvey time. At moments like that, you just have to smile.

Harvey has to be supervised all the time. Even if he is playing on his own in the playroom, someone is always checking that he is OK. In fact, we’ve got cameras throughout the house so we can always monitor Harvey, Princess and Junior. We can never leave Harvey alone with the other two just in case he lashes out at them. Because of his size he could really hurt them, though of course he wouldn’t mean to as he loves both of them.

He has become much more used to Junior and Princess now, and he was much more accepting of Princess when she was a baby. I think he found Junior’s arrival hard to deal with as there was suddenly this new baby, making all this noise, which Harvey hated and didn’t understand, and drinking out of his bottles! Junior and Princess understand that Harvey has to be treated differently from other children, especially Junior. For instance, Harvey will ask Junior if he can have a particular toy, and Junior will hand it to him and then say, ‘Say, Thank you, Junior,’ and Harvey will say it. Harvey loves Princess and always gives her a kiss when he sees her, and he doesn’t do that to everyone. He never likes to share his food with anyone but he will always share his Cheerios with her. He’s also getting on better with Junior nowadays, though Junior is still quite wary of him, I guess because he can remember Harvey lashing out. Princess, even though she is so little, knows that you have to treat Harvey differently from other children. She gently strokes his head, and kisses him, and says ‘Ahhh’ and gives him a cuddle, though sometimes he will push her away which is why we need to be so careful and never leave her or Junior alone with him.

But Harvey can also be the most happy little boy: playing on his keyboard, floating around for ages in ‘the blue rectangle swimming pool’, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ every time he has cake. That’s Harvey and I wouldn’t have him any other way.

I don’t know what the future holds for him. I do know that he will most likely always live with me because he needs constant supervision, but I am not worried about the future. No one expected Harvey to make the progress he has, but he’s come on so far and his life now is full of variety. That’s all I want for him – to live a full, happy and active life, and to know that he is loved.

CHAPTER SIX

PINK UP MY PONY

By 2008 I had built up a pretty impressive business empire. There were my autobiographies, my novels, my children’s books, my reality TV shows, my two perfumes, my lingerie, my bedlinen, and my range of hair products . . . and I was itching to try my hand at something else. As you know, riding is my passion and a lifelong hobby, and that gave me the idea for my next business venture. I had long thought that riding equipment – from clothes to tack – could do with a lot more glamour and sparkle. You only seemed to be able to get clothes in muted greens, blues or brown, and they were so dowdy and unfashionable. It was dull, dull, dull, and so not me! I saw a gap in the market for equipment and clothes that were feminine, girlie and, yes, PINK! I had always handled any business ventures through my management company in the past. I’d come up with suggestions for various products, and they had arranged it all for me. But as riding was my passion I wanted to see if I could set up my own company to bring out equestrian equipment.

I mentioned my new idea to Diana Colbert, who is my book publicist and shares my love of riding. Whenever we went on book tours together we would spend hours chatting about horses, no doubt boring everyone else! I saw my idea for an equestrian range as a bit of an experiment; I didn’t have any great expectations and imagined it would take ages to set up anyway. Diana just happened to know Cath Hart, who has a background in retail and would be an ideal partner as she would have all the contacts and would know about product development. Diana drew up a business plan and the three of us met up and decided to form our own company: KP Equestrian.

What every company needs, of course, is a logo, something to make them stand out and be easily identifiable. I wanted to have hearts and a crown, like my tattoo plus my initials. Cath came up with the idea of having the horse’s bit, holding the design together, and we had a banner at the bottom, which I thought I could adapt for use with any other products I brought out. In this case it would say ‘KP Equestrian’ but I was already thinking of bringing out a baby range called ‘KP Baby’. I think we were all pretty inspired as we knew there was nothing on the equestrian market that was as glamorous and fun as our products.

When we met up again a few months later Cath brought along a book of drawings of possible designs, along with fabric samples. I was really impressed with everything and thought, ‘Bloody hell! This could actually happen.’

We approached Derby House, the main mail order company for equestrian equipment. We didn’t want to retail from shops, we just wanted to start small and see how it took off with Derby House as our exclusive retailer. Our first products were t-shirts, tracksuits and shorts, so you didn’t have to be into riding to wear them, all of which had the striking KP Equestrian logo on them. And there was various equestrian equipment, all pinked up, including horse rugs, bandages, headcollars and leading rope. My mission to turn the riding world pink had started but I was prepared to use other colours as well – so long as they weren’t dull and frumpy ones.

I had done a signing for my children’s pony books at a Derby House stand at one of the horse shows, so they had seen for themselves how popular these events could be and how much support I have from my fans. When we had a meeting with Derby House where we presented our ideas, they were very impressed. The next stage was to get samples of the clothes made up, which we did, and Derby House loved the result and placed an order. KP Equestrian was good to go! It had only taken six months from seeing the first drawings to the products being available. Quite an achievement for our little company, I thought.

The big launch was in September 2008. I’ve said before how much I love coming up with ideas for launches and this was no exception. I’ve always understood that it’s a two-way relationship with the press when it comes to launches. If you want the paper to print a picture of you promoting something, you have got to give them something in return. This time I gave them Katie Price meets riding Barbie! It was glamour and glitz and pink all the way. Some people might say that glamour is wrong for the horse world, but I can’t please everyone. I am a glamour girl. I like to put my own spin on things, and to stand out. So I tied my hotpink KP Equestrian t-shirt round my waist to flash some flesh, wore a pair of matching shorts, plus long socks and heels. We created a set that looked as if it was straight out of Barbie world, with fake flowers, fake grass and a white picket fence, complete with an adorable little white pony. She even had pink hoofs to match my pink heels! I wore dark smoky eye shadow and my hair in pigtails, and pouted for the camera. I wanted to be the complete opposite of what most people would imagine a rider to look like, and I think I pulled it off. The press got what they wanted, and I got to promote my range.

It was an instant success. The online orders poured in and our products flew off the shelves. Derby House couldn’t believe how successful it was. They received their biggest orders ever for KP Equestrian. I was thrilled! This had been my hobby and now it had been turned into a successful business. It had also been a bit of a dream, and I’d never imagined it would take off like it has.

From there we went on to do a range of children’s clothes, more women’s clothes, men’s clothes, accessories including wellies and bags, more horse equipment – including pink hoof polish! But the clothes and equipment weren’t all pink. We also went for other bright colours, such as turquoise, blue and purple, that were fun and fashionable.

I was so proud that we had created our own business from scratch, and that it was to do with riding which I am so passionate about. It just shows that if you’ve got a dream and a passion for something you can turn it into a business, so long as you do your research and know your market.

Later on in the year I bought a horse box which had been customised especially for me – in other words, it had been pinked up to the max! Outside it was hot Barbie pink, with my KP Equestrian logo; inside, the personalised leather sofas and cushions had been specially dyed to match the exterior. It can sleep four. There is a top-of-the-range kitchen and bathroom, and of course plenty of space for the horses, along with air con to keep them cool. I think I made quite a statement when I drove it to various shows!

CHAPTER SEVEN

UNDER PRESSURE

Although Pete and I spent so much time together working, recording the reality shows, it increasingly came to feel as if we never had any quality time on our own. I loved filming but it did take over our lives, and sometimes it took the fun out of mine. I know I had chosen to make the TV series and I had been well paid for it so I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just describing what my life became and what impact it had on my marriage. We spent so much time filming that it put pressure on my relationship with Pete.

I would get stressed because we were filming so much and because I didn’t feel completely relaxed with the crew in my house. I often felt as if the film crew treated our house as if it was a film set rather than a family home. I realise that they most likely felt under pressure themselves to get the right footage, but to my mind there were better ways of achieving that. And the problem was that because the filming stressed me out, I would then end up arguing with Pete.

Now that I have my own production company, making my own TV reality show series, I know that filming doesn’t have to be so full on. Even when we’ve got a busy schedule nowadays it’s more relaxed and I don’t get so stressed because I am more in control and I’m working with a crew who I have chosen and who I like.

But when I was with Pete, I came to dread hearing the doorbell go in the morning, signalling the arrival of the film crew. Often they would be accompanied by our manager Claire or her assistant Nicola, there to ensure we got the filming done. I had always felt that there was no point in the crew filming Pete and me for hours at a time. To me it seemed like a waste of time and energy. They were never going to get the best out of me that way as it is draining having a camera on you all the time, however used to filming you are. I would always say, ‘Why don’t you just film for three hours when we’ve got energy and we’re on form, and then stop?’ But there always seemed to be pressure on us to film more footage. I still don’t understand why as now I’ve got my production company, I’m never filmed all day. When I want to stop, we stop, and there has never been a problem with not having enough footage.

As our reality show had become such a huge hit on ITV, I was feeling more and more that I wanted to be involved in the production process. I wanted to become a partner in CAN TV which our management had set up to make the reality shows. I felt I should be able to be part of the production company and share more in the success which Pete and I had helped bring to it with our popular reality show. I felt increasingly frustrated about the lack of control I felt I had over filming.

I felt as if I was always being told what to do, what to film, when to film and it seemed nearly all the fun things we wanted to do would end up being filmed for the show. For instance, there was my surprise thirtieth birthday party in 2008, where our manager arranged for my family and friends to spend the weekend at a fivestar spa hotel. I had absolutely no idea what had been planned. I had wanted to throw a thirtieth birthday party at a London hotel. I had even got as far as booking the venue and was about to send out the invitations when I happened to watch a TV show where the reporters went undercover to expose bad hotels – and there was the one I had booked on-screen! The cleaners were shown wiping toilet seats with the same cloths they used for the sinks and the cups. And to cap it all, there were rats! No, thanks! I cancelled the booking and decided I would rather have a small party with my family and friends. I had only just got back from a trip to LA to have my veneers redone and prior to that there had been our big trip to Australia. I just wanted to chill. But then Pete told me that a surprise had been planned and all I had to do was pack my swimwear and outdoor clothes. He wouldn’t let on where we were going. As we were in our garden, I noticed a helicopter flying over. I was about to comment crossly, ‘Why the hell can’t the paps leave us alone?’ when, to my amazement, it began its descent and landed on our lawn. I think it made Junior’s day!

‘What’s going on?’ I exclaimed.

‘Surprise!’ came the reply from Pete. And I thought, ‘How brilliant that he’s planned something special for my birthday. I wonder where he’s taking me? This is so exciting and romantic!’

As we flew off in the helicopter I kept asking him where we were going but he wouldn’t let on. When we approached what looked like a stately home in the distance, I almost thought it was Highclere Castle where we had got married but instead it was a luxury hotel. ‘That’s so sweet,’ I thought, ‘Pete is taken me on a minibreak. It will be so good to spend some time together, just the two of us.’ Then, after we had landed and were making our way towards the entrance to the grand hotel, my family and a group of my closest friends came round the side and called out, ‘Surprise!’ And I was thrilled that everyone was here to help me celebrate. I actually said, ‘This is the best surprise I could have had for my birthday!’ It meant so much to me that my friends and family were all there. ‘I’m such a lucky girl,’ I thought.

But then I was handed an itinerary, setting out all the details of the activities that were planned and telling me where I had to be at what time, and I realised the whole event was going to be filmed. ‘Fucking hell!’ I thought. ‘This isn’t a birthday treat, this is just work.’

Yes, it turned out to be a fun-filled day, with archery and clay-pigeon shooting and beauty treatments, and it culminated in a lovely dinner, but it was all done to a timetable with the cameras rolling. I didn’t want my family and friends to be filmed. Because they’re not used to it, they weren’t really themselves and were all slightly on edge. The whole day didn’t feel as relaxing as it could have done.

I did get a chance to relax away from the cameras at one stage and have a massage. Afterwards I was chatting to my mum in the shower. We knew we had to get ready for dinner at a certain time. ‘Don’t stress about it,’ I told my mum. ‘It’s my birthday, it doesn’t really matter what time we get there.’ But then Nicola came in to hurry us up. ‘Mate,’ she said, ‘you’ve got to go and get ready for dinner. We’re running late. Gary’s waiting to do your make-up.’ But I didn’t want to rush, so I said, ‘Let my friends get theirs done, it really doesn’t bother me.’ I wanted to go natural; I didn’t want to get dressed up.

I would have preferred to put on my comfy PJs but instead I had to get changed into a long evening dress and be fully made up as they wanted to film the buildup of me getting ready. And I was moaned at for being late, which didn’t put me in the best of moods! At the dinner everyone was drinking but I felt I couldn’t because Pete would get the hump with me. And that was a perfect time when I fancied a drink because it was supposed to be a celebration with my family and friends. I do appreciate the fact that so much thought and planning had gone into my surprise party. The dining room had been beautifully decorated with flowers; wonderful cakes had been made for me, including one with a figure of me on it, and I can remember thanking Claire and telling her I had enjoyed the surprise more than I had anything for a long time. It’s just a shame that it had to be filmed. It would have meant so much more to me if it had been a private celebration.

Meanwhile, throughout that weekend, Pete was making comments about our sex life and how he wasn’t getting any, which really put my back up. Moaning about the lack of sex, especially on camera so the whole world knows, is one sure-fire way to make sure you don’t get any! Claire and Nicola had also arranged a selection of sex toys in our bedroom and been filmed doing so, which hardly made me want to rip off my kit and get down to it. Sometimes it felt as if there was absolutely nothing left to the imagination, that everyone knew exactly what Pete and I could get up to in our bedroom. Well, that night, I’m going to leave to your imagination . . . Actually I don’t think anything happened.

As well as the pressure to film the reality show, I came to feel that I had allowed our management too much involvement in my private life. I felt that they knew everything about my life and my marriage because I had confided in them and because they spent so much time with us while we filmed the reality show. I had signed up with a management company who pride themselves on being very hands-on with their clients, and at first I was absolutely fine with that. After all, I had chosen to sign up with them because they represented Pete and I wanted our diaries to be co-ordinated. I quickly became very good friends with Claire and came to count her as one of my closest friends, someone I confided in and trusted. I also became good friends with her assistant Nicola. During the early days of my relationship with Pete, I was so deeply in love with him that I could think of little else. I was totally taken up with being a mum to Harvey and my feelings for Pete. Then I fell pregnant with Junior and suffered from crippling post-natal depression which it took me nearly two years to fully recover from. By then the pattern was set, and our management were very involved in our lives.

I came to realise that there seemed to be no separation any more between my work life and my private life. It became a little claustrophobic because Claire was my manager and I also counted her as a very good friend – and they always say don’t mix friends with business, don’t they? I would sometimes ask myself if Claire and I would be friends if she didn’t manage me because we really did get on so well. I always thought we would, but I was to be proved wrong on that score as you will find out later . . . I think, looking back, that I made a mistake by being so open with our management. If Pete and I rowed, as sadly we came to do more and more in our marriage he would immediately get on the phone to Claire to let her know, and then she would call me to see if we could patch things up. And I would frequently end up phoning her as well, asking her to talk to Pete and calm him down. Claire knew him so well that she was especially good at talking him round if we’d argued.

‘We’re like family,’ Neville Hendricks, Claire’s fiancé and business partner, was fond of saying. ‘And we look after our family.’ But I already had my own family and my children; I didn’t need another one. I’ve always been someone who likes being surrounded by people, but I was increasingly to feel that Pete and I were always with other people and that we never had any quality time on our own.

And even when Pete and me were on our own, the sad thing was that we hardly ever went out together as a couple. Back then because Pete rarely drank – years earlier he’d had a severe panic attack – he didn’t like going out anywhere where people were drinking so we’d have friends over for dinner or barbecues, or chill out watching films. Sometimes I felt I was getting old before my time. I thought about my friends’ lives and they all seemed to go out way more than I did, both with their partners or on nights out with their girlfriends. Even my mum and dad seemed to go out more than I did! I come from a very sociable family where my mum and dad often have dinner parties and are probably out most weekends with their friends and I expected to have that kind of social life myself – it was how I was brought up. But it certainly wasn’t what my married life was like. I loved Pete so much, don’t get me wrong, but after a few years together, when you’re working with someone as much as we did, you need a break, a change of scene. Occasionally I’d go out clubbing in London with my girlfriends but this was always a huge issue for Pete because of his fear that I would get drunk and cheat on him.

I admit that when I went clubbing with the girls I would have a few drinks, and because I was such a lightweight with alcohol it really wouldn’t take much to get me drunk. And then I would drive my girlfriends mad as I’d be the one who wanted to stay out all night. As nights with the girls were such rare events for me, I wanted to make the most of each one as I didn’t know when I’d next be able to go out. And I would want to club hop – to pack in as much fun as I could. In fact, my girlfriends would tell me it was an hour later than it really was, to try and get me out of the club, otherwise I would have been there until it closed! But cheat on Pete? Never in a million years. All I wanted to do was get glammed up, let my hair down, hit the dancefloor with my girlfriends and have a laugh.

But that night out would cost me far more than a hangover and would inevitably lead to a row with Pete. Two days after my night out there would almost certainly be pictures of me in the tabloids. Of course, they would never choose ones where I looked good, they would always go for ones where I looked blearyeyed, so they could print some crap about how I was out of control, and pissed, when most likely I was just blinking because of the flashes going off in my face. Pete would see the pictures and say, ‘Look at the state of you! I thought you said you weren’t that drunk?’ And then he would be really angry and wound up about it.

If there were ever any well-known men in any of the clubs I went to, the press would make out that I had been chatting them up, when I probably hadn’t even said as much as hello to them. And that would piss Pete off as well.

I got to the stage where it didn’t seem worth the stress and aggro it caused to go out. But I think that did eventually bring me down. I was in a rut. I loved Pete and the kids, loved being part of a family – it’s all I’ve ever wanted – but I needed something else in my life. I needed to do something just for me. I felt I needed a hobby, something separate from work.