You Only Live Once (3 page)

I actually went back to the store the day before we flew home. This time I looked good. The nose cast was off, I’d had my hair done and I was wearing make-up. And you should have seen the difference in the way those assistants treated me, practically falling over themselves to serve me. It was all: ‘Hello, madam, how can we help you today?’ It really pissed me off.

Anyway, I had the nose cast on for eight days and didn’t get papped once, mainly because I was staying at the Beverly Wilshire and there’s an underground car park you can drive straight out of without being seen. I was glad. I really didn’t want to get photographed looking shit. Having the stitches out of my nose was definitely not a laugh – I didn’t know if they were pulling a stitch out or one of the hairs. And then it was time to get the stitches taken out of my boobs – ouch again! I thought I would pass out. Never again, I said to myself, no more surgery. I do not want to put myself through this experience again. Enough is enough. But, you know what? You can never say never. It was still nagging away at me that the new boobs were too wide apart so I went back to see Garth. He was convinced that they would settle but I wasn’t happy. However, by then I just wanted to get back home and was so pleased when I flew back on 23 December, after being in LA two weeks instead of eight days.

I knew I looked really different. My cheeks were still swollen from the veneers, my hair was black, I wore massive dark glasses. And I had covered up – no way was I going to show any cleavage as I was still so sore. I had a big horrible sports bra on, a baggy jumper, and had wrapped my new Louis Vuitton scarf round me, to cover my chest. I was in agony on the flight home but couldn’t relax as I knew I’d be photographed at the other end. I had to put make-up on and make an effort. Sure enough, I got papped at the airport, but the funny thing was that nobody picked up on the fact that I’d had a nose job. All the celeb mags and tabloids were going on about my new image, and speculating that I’d had something done to my face and lips, but they didn’t spot the nose job. How ridiculous was that!

I couldn’t wait to get home and see the kids – I’d really missed them and all I wanted to do was give them a big cuddle – but as I was so sore from the surgery I couldn’t pick them up. And then it was straight into Christmas and the full-on family experience that I love so much. Everyone really liked my dark hair and my new nose, including Pete. They all said that I hadn’t actually needed my nose doing, which was true, but I liked the new version. The real problem was with my teeth which were still absolutely killing me. I could only eat using the left side of my mouth and couldn’t have cold drinks at all as it was so painful. Worst of all, I didn’t like my teeth as I thought they looked too small, so I knew I’d have to get them redone as well as my boobs. Honestly, after all I’d been through!

CHAPTER FOUR

DOWN UNDER

At the end of December, Pete, the kids and I flew out to Australia. It was a chance to catch up with Pete’s family who lived on the Gold Coast there. I knew how much Pete missed them and was so glad he would have the opportunity to spend this time with them. We were going to be out there for a month – the first week would be a holiday, and then we’d have three weeks or so filming our reality show.

It’s always difficult taking Harvey to an environment he isn’t familiar with. Because he is on the autistic spectrum routine is extremely important to him. He has to have everything done in the exact order he expects and constantly has to have everything explained to him – and I mean everything, even down to me saying something like ‘Harvey, I’m going to switch the light on now’ – or he can get very upset. If he has a temper tantrum he can throw himself around and lash out, and because he is such a tall, strong little boy it can be hard to calm him down. He has hurt me and my mum in the past when he has become upset – in fact, on one occasion my mum ended up with a black eye – but of course he doesn’t do it deliberately. But there was no question that Harvey wouldn’t come with us to Australia. As far as I’m concerned, he’s part of the family and does everything the other children do, however much of a challenge it can be taking him somewhere new. That’s just life with Harvey. He was five and a half then and was actually the best behaved of the children on the flight. He loves going on planes, and always wants to have ‘hot chips’ as he calls them, and so long as he could watch
Barney
, his favourite DVD, he was happy.

It was good to spend time with Pete’s parents again especially as I hadn’t seen them since I’d had Princess and Pete’s dad had been unwell. By then, thankfully, the negative feelings I’d had because of the post-natal depression about other people being close to my children had long gone. Pete’s mum helped out by feeding Princess, and often held her, and I didn’t have any problem with that at all. Instead I loved the attention she gave Princess, I was so proud of my baby daughter. And sometimes, when I went out shopping with Pete, we would take Junior and leave Princess with his mum.

In fact, we had a brilliant time staying with his family who are so hospitable. We ate lovely meals, played cards, and chatted. I got to spend time with Pete’s sister, Debbie, who had just had a baby boy, and it was nice to have that connection with another new mum. All in all it was very chilled out. His parents lived in a beautiful house with a lovely pool, which Harvey especially loved as back then he liked nothing more than floating in water and pointing out the ‘blue rectangle swimming pool’ as he called it. I couldn’t fully relax as I’m always worrying that Harvey might break something – back home he’s broken quite a few TVs in his time. And, sure enough, he ended up breaking a table, but he didn’t mean to. Harvey is Harvey. People have to accept him for who he is.

It’s sad remembering that time now. Since Pete and I split up, I haven’t spoken to or seen his parents. Nor have I had any contact with his sister who I had grown close to, or his brothers. I suppose that’s what happens when most couples divorce, but one day I hope we can be in touch again.

After our week of chilling out we were joined by the film crew. I would have liked us to have had longer together as a family – a week on our own just didn’t seem enough. I knew that I had committed myself to make the reality series and on the whole I loved making it, and was something I had chosen to do but sometimes I wished that Pete and I could have a holiday without the cameras being there. It was a feeling which was to grow stronger over time. We needed more space as a couple and as a family, but we weren’t getting it. And what was also starting to bug me slightly was that when I watched the shows, I always seemed to come across as the bad guy. I suppose that’s down to the fact that I am always myself on film and if I’m in a bad mood I show it. In contrast, if Pete was in a bad mood he would forget about it once the camera was on him. I used to have a go at him about it and we would bicker, but that’s just what we were like then. Lots of bickering, lots of loving.

But we did get to do some amazing things when we were out in Australia, which were filmed for the reality show. We went to the Great Barrier Reef, which is beautiful, and went snorkelling; and we got to go to Sea World before it opened to the public, which was a real treat. It was especially sweet seeing Harvey with the dolphins. They say that dolphins have an affinity with kids with disabilities and there was something really special about seeing Harvey with them. I really felt as if he was making so much progress. I know that I came across as a bit of a moaner in that episode, but I am wary around water ever since I had a panic attack as a teenager while I was swimming. I had been a very good swimmer and swam for my county. I would train three times a week and all I remember about the panic attack was that one moment I was swimming then suddenly I felt as if I was being dragged underwater and was going to drown. I was powerless to do anything. The lifeguard had to dive in and rescue me. My legs were numb and it felt as if they were paralysed. You don’t forget something like that and as a result I now find it really frightening to be out of my depth or underwater.

I also have a real problem with the cold. I swear I’m not being a diva, I actually experience a burning sensation if I get too cold. As a result, when I put on the wetsuit and got into the water, which may have felt warm to everyone else but felt freezing to me, I just couldn’t enjoy the experience of swimming with the dolphins. I was too busy thinking, ‘Get me out of here!’ And when Pete and I got to go in one of the massive aquariums and saw all the tropical fish, I was rigid with cold and anxious about being underwater. All the fish in all the colours of the rainbow weren’t going to change that! Everyone who knows me understands that I have a problem with cold. At home I’m constantly turning the thermostat up and driving everyone else mad as they are roasting hot. It’s like a never-ending battle where they turn the thermostat down and I whack it up again.

We also got to re-visit the location of
I’m a Celebrity
. . .
Get Me Out of Here!
where we’d met four years earlier. We couldn’t go into the camp as another series was being filmed, but we got to walk along the bridge that leads to it and went down some of the tracks. It was quite emotional going back there. So much had happened to us as a couple since then, but this was where our relationship had started. Just being back there brought back so many memories of meeting Pete for the first time: how I had fallen so deeply in love with him, being desperate to be with him, knowing he was the one for me. I didn’t want to show how deeply I felt as we were being filmed. That was one of the times when I wanted five minutes on my own with Pete, without the camera on us. I would have liked to tell him then how I felt about him and how much I still loved him. It would have been a really special, private moment, just for us. But it didn’t happen. Then again, if we hadn’t had the camera crew with us we probably wouldn’t have been allowed to go there anyway, so I suppose it works both ways. Of course, I had no idea that in a little under two years I would be back, appearing in
I’m a Celebrity
. . .
Get Me Out of Here!
on my own, a broken marriage behind me . . .

There were so many positive things about that trip, but when I looked back at the episodes filmed in Australia it did feel to me as if a big deal had been made of one particular row Pete and I had. It was at the opening of his night club in Cairns, and it was the same old story of how Pete didn’t like me to have a drink because he thought I became a different person then and he couldn’t trust me. I’ve talked about it before in my other autobiographies, and four years on it was still an issue between us. He was worried that I would get drunk and end up cheating on him. I think he was maybe remembering his own past when he went out clubbing. ‘I know what drunk girls are like, Kate,’ he would tell me, ‘I know how easy they are.’

‘That must be the kinds of girls you went with, Pete, because I’m not like that, never have been, never will be,’ I would tell him, but it never seemed to sink in. And so on this particular night, Pete was off talking to guests at the club and I was hanging out with his brother Danny and his wife, having a few drinks and a bit of a dance . . . just having a good time basically. I wasn’t being lairy or loud or flirting with anyone, I was behaving like every other clubber there. Anyway, it was getting late and the club was due to close and I said to Pete, ‘Oh, no! Why not leave it open?’ I didn’t want to go home yet, as I was enjoying myself. We didn’t have many nights out together like that. Well, Pete didn’t like the way I sounded, he thought I was drunk, and instantly got the hump with me, coming out with the same old comments about how I was a different person when I’d had a drink, and how he didn’t like that person.

The following day I flew back to the Gold Coast with his family and Pete stayed on another night because he was still angry with me. I knew he’d come after us the following day, so it really wasn’t a big deal, but the episode makes it look as if it was a huge drama and how I might be making plans to fly to the UK on my own with the kids . . . when all the time I knew Pete would be joining us. As it was the only row we had when we were out there it seems a shame it was highlighted like that. Of course, the director then wanted to film us making up – they wanted the drama, I suppose. Pete was back to being charming and said on camera that ‘our love was stronger than any argument’. And he apologised to me, though I took my time accepting it.

I decided that from then on I wouldn’t have a drink when I went out with Pete. Yes, it would probably mean that I wouldn’t have quite such a good time, because a drink does relax you and put you in the mood to enjoy yourself, but it would save the endless same old arguments that wore me down. But, looking back now, I think I was already starting to feel as if I could never have any fun. I’m not saying I wanted to go out and get pissed, I just wanted it not to be such an issue if I had a couple of drinks and a bit of a laugh.

* * *

‘Oh my God! I don’t believe this!’ I exclaimed, completely stunned, as I was confronted with the headlines in the
News of the World
: ‘Jordan Exposed’; ‘Perfect Mum? What a joke’. It was the beginning of February 2008 and our former nanny had gone to the press. They had then run a story making out that Pete and I were bad parents. I couldn’t even bring myself to read the lies; I knew they would upset me too much – as they would any loving mother. We’d had no warning that such a story was coming out; the paper hadn’t given us any chance to reply to the made-up allegations, and usually they would over such a big story as this. Straight away we called our lawyers. We knew that we could disprove every single one of the paper’s allegations.

But the fact that we knew the story was all lies didn’t make me feel any better. People believe what they read in the paper and I hated thinking that they would believe we were bad parents. Every time I went out with the kids after that, I would feel that people were watching me and judging me as a mum. That they were wondering if I was just being nice to the kids as I was in public and that back home it would be a different story. And that was incredibly hurtful because I am a good mother. The kids are the most important people in my life and I would do anything for them. And I know Pete felt the same way. Of all the things in my life, I am most proud of my children. I love all three of them to bits and I am so protective of them that knowing that such vile lies had been written about me as a mother cut me deeply.

I felt completely betrayed by our former nanny. She had been part of our family, she had looked after my children, I’d trusted her completely . . . and she had turned round and gone to the papers. I have had so many bad stories written about me in the past which have been blatant lies and never sued the paper, but this time it was different. No way was I going to sit back and let the paper get away with printing such vicious, hurtful lies about Pete and me and our family. The only good thing was that we received lots of support from our fans who clearly didn’t believe a word of the story. Nor did any of the other papers pick up on it. People could see what kind of parents Pete and I were from our TV show; could see how much we loved our children. And because of Harvey’s condition we have a lot of contact with doctors and Social Services who would have been the first to notice if anything dodgy was going on, which of course it wasn’t.

I’ll never know what motivated our former nanny to go to the papers in the first place. I can only assume it was for the money, but what a terrible thing to do to a family you had known so well and been so close to.

Five months later we were proved right when the
News of the World
settled out of court, retracted all comments made in the article, admitted that the allegations were false and said they regretted that they had been published. We were paid substantial damages. It was a great moment; I felt that the record had been set straight and our names had been cleared. We gave half the damages to the NSPCC and the Vision Charity, and the other half was put into a trust fund for Junior, Princess and Harvey.

But back to February 2008. I had
Pushed to the Limit
, my new autobiography, to promote. The book launch was on Valentine’s Day. I had been keeping a low profile since my return from Australia and hadn’t been out much, so the paps hadn’t got any recent shots of me. I knew the press would be interested now because it would be the first chance they’d had to photograph me with my reduced boobs and new nose, and I wanted to put on a show for them. You know me, I don’t do understated. So I dressed up as a vampy Wonder Woman, wearing white hotpants, a sequined corset, and white cape. I was accompanied by four hunky guys dressed as Clark Kent, with ticker-tape raining down on us. I always like to make an entrance. And something else made an entrance too – as I held up my arms in a pose, a cheeky nipple popped out! Which, of course, the photographers captured. But the wardrobe malfunction didn’t ruin my day. And, no, it wasn’t planned.