You Before Me (22 page)

Her brows raise. “Why? What happened?
You look... frenzied,” she finishes.

Immediately, I smooth my wavy hair,
trying to tame my now obvious frayed nerves. The past twenty-four
hours, Gabe, and my crazy realization have me all over the place. I
don't like it. Normally, I would consider myself confident without
a care in the world. Gabe has, in a way, shattered that for me. At
least until I figure out what I'm supposed to do with what I'm
feeling.

“Let's get these classes over with and
then we're going for a massage. I'm long overdue for one
anyway.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Love isn't a bad
thing, right? It's massively scary with a huge potential for pain,
but it's supposed to be better to love than to never experience it.
At least, that's how that old saying goes. I should be just fine
either way then. If I could only stop feeling out of place and
crazy.

Viv nods, satisfied with my answer,
and in the moments before class, I manage to get us appointments
for later today.

* * *

Even though I feel a bit greasy from
the massage oil, my mind and body are in much better states after
our massages. Viv and I are now getting a mani/pedi.

“Okay, Ryan. What the hell is going
on?” She asks curiously, waiting for me to explain
things.

I don't look at her because for some
reason, I feel weak for admitting this. Not because of it, but more
because I'm scared. The more I think about it, the more terrified I
feel. Gabe does have the power here, he always has, and even though
he doesn't know it, he has the capacity to ruin me. To damage me
more so than I already am.

“It's Gabe,” I mumble, watching the
woman work on my feet. In between classes, I already told her about
what he did for my birthday, so she's rooting for Gabe. From the
corner of my eye, I can see Viv perk up, eager to hear what else I
have to say. But it won't happen that easily. So I do what I do
best.

Ramble.

“I've never met a guy like him. One
that wants me for more than what my body can offer. I mean, even I
never wanted more than that. Not at this point in my life anyway. I
was happy with that and more than happy to offer it. It's not like
it was a one way street, you know? I wanted to give it as much as
they wanted it, but Gabe,” I shake my head, “he makes me think
about the possibility of more, to want more.” I pause to take a
deep breath, still occupied with the woman's work on my feet. “It's
weird,” I chuckle in disbelief.

It
is
weird. I've never wanted more
than sex. Never really thought about it. And now, it's all I can
think about. What does more even mean? Do we keep going as we are
now? How would things change with love involved? Will everything go
down in a disaster like with my parents? I pause my inner thoughts
and continue talking to Viv.

“Sex has always been my
go-to and all I wanted from boys. Anything more could wait until
after college at least. Then Gabe waltzed right in, and I'm
fumbling to figure out what the hell I'm doing. He's sweet,
thoughtful,
good
.
He's throwing me off my game, Viv. I want to know everything to the
last detail about him. I stupidly want to meet his parents and have
them like me, which is already nearly hopeless. I want to give him
every part of me to the fullest.

“He makes me feel like I can openly
voice my opinions without blatantly being turned down. This is new
territory for me, and I don't know how to operate. I feel like I'm
walking through a minefield and to make matters worse,” I stop,
taking a moment to recollect myself. “I think I'm in love with him,
Viv.” Finally, I cut my eyes over to her, and she's
grinning.

“Does he know?”

“Hell no!” I screech, causing heads to
glance at us. Calmly, I add, “Do you really think I would tell him
this until I can get myself under control? Besides, aren't guys
supposed to say it first or something?”

Viv laughs. “There are no rules, Ryan.
Love has its own set of secret rules. I'm happy for you, though.
This means you'll stop sleeping with all the guys on campus.” I
can't help my giggle. “In all seriousness, Gabe at the very least
cares for you. I think you should tell him, find out how he feels,
and then go from there.”

“And if he doesn't feel the same?
Won't he feel pressured to say it to me?” I grimace at the thought.
“Or he'll stop seeing me completely, thinking I'm fucking
crazy.”

“No, he won't. If Gabe is the kind of
guy he sounds like he is, then he'll appreciate your honesty and
won't freak out. Hopefully.”

“Hopefully,” I grumble.

“Wait a little longer though. You need
to be sure of yourself.”

So over the next few days, I do a lot
of thinking, trying to make sure that I'm sure. All it does is
confuse me. What does Gabe expect from me? That's what I need to
know. It all comes down to that one question, and I want an answer.
He's never told me his expectations. If I knew that, then I would
feel a hell of a lot better about us. Whatever we are. I would know
how to move forward and whether I bury my feelings or go with the
program to let the pieces fall where they may.

My stomach sinks because whatever Gabe
is hoping to gain from me, I'm sure this will end up like
everything else. I won't be good enough. Not for a relationship,
not for him, and certainly not for his love. Everyone expects
certain things from me, expectations I've never been able to reach.
The odds have been against us from the start. His parents don't
think he should be seeing me. My parents don't think so either
because he's too old. Could something last between us if we're
doomed to fail from the start according to those around
us?

Damn it. I need to stop. This is
getting ridiculous, and my rambling train is flying off the tracks.
The fire painting and what I felt when I saw it comes to mind.
Maybe I should make a trip back. It couldn't hurt, and a chance to
see everything again would be fun. I could go tomorrow.

First, I have to get home from my
class for my ticket. This week has been full of homework, texting
Gabe, thinking too much, and classes. I haven't been to a party
since that one after I met Gabe, and it feels odd. Only because
it's a change in routine, though. Instead of going out, getting
drunk, dancing, and sleeping with a random guy, I've been hanging
out with Gabe. I don't miss it though. Not really. If I'm honest, I
would even go as far as to say that I like things better this
way.

I'm enjoying learning Gabe's body and
what he likes. I like that he's learning those same things about
me. We've developed an intimacy between us, something more than
simple touches that don't mean a thing, and I think that's my
favorite part. He's sweet and thoughtful, and I hope he'll let me
stick around for a long time.

Once I park and get out of my car, I
wrap my jacket tighter around me as I walk up the stairs to my
apartment, keeping my eyes down at the ground to watch my step.
When I look up after the last step, Gabe is leaning against my door
with his arms folded over his chest, his focus on his crossed
ankles. He looks so good like that.

“Gabe? What are you doing
here?”

He lifts his head with a smile. “I
wanted to see you.”

“How long have you been waiting in the
cold?” I ask as he steps aside, so I can unlock my door.

“Not long. I knew about what time you
would be here, so I came over.”

Hm. He didn't text me first or
anything to tell me he was here. We step inside, and I'm slammed
with worry over his surprise visit. Is he here to break up with me?
Or does he just want sex? What couldn't be said over the phone or
wait until tomorrow? I really hope he's here for sex. That I can
easily deal with, and I could go for some sex. Why am I freaking
out? I never freak out. See what has happened to me?! This is what
my thinking does to me. I need to know what he wants from me, from
us. Sooner rather than later.

“Are you going to keep trying to
figure out why I'm here or are you going to let me tell you?” By
Gabe's tone, he's obviously trying not to laugh.

I send a glare his way before going
into the kitchen to grab something to drink. “Do you want
anything?” I ask sweetly.

“No, thanks.”

Removing the bottle cap and leaning
against the kitchen counter, I finally ask, “Okay. Tell me why
you're here.” I watch him as I take a big swallow of
drink.

Gabe walks over, rests his hands
lightly over my hips, and I gulp. “Do you have any plans this
weekend?”

“No. Why?”

“Want to make a trip to Raleigh?” His
eyes light up, thinking about the art museum. I'm surprised when I
feel a surge of excitement to see more art, and I squeal a yes.
This is perfect timing, especially since I was just thinking about
going to see the painting again. Gabe laughs, kissing me quickly.
“You don't know how excited it makes me that you are just as
thrilled as I am about this,” he says.

“I can't help it. What time do we
leave?” I wish we could leave right now, but I doubt the museum is
open tonight. That place is supposed to be huge, three stories high
according to their website. I was curious about it and since I was
thinking about the fire painting during my class and was bored, I
looked up the Raleigh museum. I can just imagine all the fantastic
pieces that will be there.

“Around one. We can hang out in
Raleigh tomorrow and then go to the museum on Saturday, coming home
Sunday morning. Does that sound good?”

I nod. “Do you know what would sound
even better?” Gabe raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue.
“If you stayed here tonight.” Now that he's here, I don't want him
to go, even though I'll see him tomorrow and spend the next two
days with him.

Gabe grins. “I was hoping you would
say that.” He laughs and adds, “I took the liberty of packing my
bags already because if you didn't ask me to stay, I was going to
ask if I could. If you said no, I would be a very sad man having to
drive back home.”

Laughing, I shake my head at him.
“Well, I don't know about you, but I've had a super long day, and
I'm tired. Go get your things. I'm going to take a
shower.”

He nods, gives me another quick kiss,
and then heads to his car while I head to the bathroom. It feels
like this is quite a step forward for us. I'm not sure why, but it
seems like since we're taking a trip, even if it's only a couple
hours away, that our relationship is getting more serious. It
shouldn't be too different, though, I wouldn't think. I mean, we
have spent weekends together before. This time we're going to be
away from home and in a hotel. At least no one will be able to
barge in on us.

When I get out of the shower, all
ready for bed, Gabe is already laying down. The blankets stop at
his hips, leaving his chest bare and yummy with his hands behind
his head. I took extra time to dry my hair, so I half expected him
to be asleep already. Wearing shorts and a cami, I slide into bed
next to him. I scoot closer, laying on top of him, returning his
smile, and wanting nothing more than to kiss Gabe. So I
do.

Gabe pushes my shirt up a bit to lay
his fingers flat on my back. For minutes, we kiss before he
playfully bites my lower lip and then kisses me fully again. I
can't help my sigh. Gabe pulls away a bit, grinning.

“What?” I ask, my lips feeling a bit
swollen.

“I love when you do that.”

“Kiss you?” I question, confused as to
why he would interrupt our make-out session to tell me
that.

Gabe laughs. “Yes, but that's not what
I meant. I was talking about that little happy sigh of
yours.”

Oh. Anchoring my arms on either side
of his head, I bend my hands so I can play in his hair. “This one?”
I sigh breathlessly, but end up laughing at how ridiculous it
sounds. Gabe grins, but he nods anyway. “Good to know.” I kiss him
once. “We should get some sleep, right?” Before he can answer, I
give him another kiss, parting his mouth with my tongue.

“Mhm,” he hums.

Reluctantly, I pull away, sliding off
to lay next to him. I rest my head on his chest and attempt to fall
asleep, but it's impossible. Why did Gabe pick this weekend to go?
Or what made him decide earlier tonight that he wanted to
go?

“Hey, why are we going this weekend?
It's kind of last minute. Not that I don't want to go, but I'm just
wondering.”

“I need a break, and I wanted to leave
here for a bit. Work has been stressing me out, so with two days
off back-to-back, I figured I better make the most of it. I booked
the hotel this afternoon. You going with me was the only thing I
wasn't sure would happen. And just so you know, I expect at least
one bubble bath while we're gone.”

“We can make that happen.” I smile.
“Let's go to bed for real this time,” I add, closing my eyes and
falling asleep much quicker than I expected.

* * *

It's Friday and once we got to
Raleigh, we pretty much just loafed around. We walked around, did
some shopping, and held hands all day. I truly felt like Gabe's
girlfriend. We were a couple. It sounds weird to me. I almost don't
recognize myself. I'm still me, sure, but something is different.
The thought nags in the back of my mind as we walk around the
museum.