Wrestling Against Myself (54 page)

“What's there not to accept?”

“Evidently a lot.”

“Nonsense,” Tony said firmly.

Courtney turned deathly serious. “Will you be honest with me?”

“Of course.”

“Why do you accept me as a girl when everyone finds it so difficult?”

Tony didn't answer right away. He didn't want to seem impulsive and didn't want to dismiss the question by giving a pat answer. “You think you're a girl, don't you?”

Courtney nodded her head.

“I think you're a girl too.”

“That's not really an answer,” Courtney said in a cautious whisper.

“Every time I look at you, all I see is a girl. It's not that you have long hair or that you're pretty either. It's the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you carry yourself, everything about you says that you're a girl.”

“I'm not pretty.” Courtney said as her chin quivered.

“Of course you are.” Tony moved so he could put his arm around the girl.

“You're teasing me.”

“I would never.” Tony lifted the girls chin so she looked up at him.

Courtney stared into Tony's eyes, even if she wanted to, she would have been unable to look away. It had been a long time since she had direct eye contact with another human being and she found herself lost in his gaze.

For all the time they spent together, Tony never noticed the girl’s eyes before. It was like they were always looking towards each other and not at each other. Her eyes were a dark blue, piercing, but within them they held a world of doubt and vulnerability. There was something about her eyes that he wasn't expecting, their beauty. He stared into those eyes, searching deeply, for what he did not know. Then, in an instant, he saw the person that the body and the world held captive.

Courtney kept her eyes locked on Tony's and found that the world around them faded away. All the world consisted of was him and her and the water that lapped around them. It was a moment in time when time ceased to exist and she didn't mind at all. She could stay there forever. Her mouth parted as if she wanted to say something but decided words would cheapen the moment.

As he saw the captive being released, Tony became aware of the longing in the girl's eyes. The longing to not only be accepted, but to be loved. His heart pounded, as if by beating stronger and faster it could provide the love the girl sought. “If only I could prove to her that I do love her,” Tony thought and though his eyes were still locked onto the girl, his mind become aware of itself.

“You do love her,” a small voice inside his head asked his consciousness. “Don't you?”

In a moment of complete honesty with himself, Tony admitted it was so.

“Then don't let this moment get away from you, it's not like they happen every day.”

In an instant, Tony was back to reality, focusing on the girl before him. Though it was as if they had been gazing at each other for hours, only a minute passed. Sometimes a person can live a lifetime in a moment, and a moment could change a lifetime forever.

Though often guarded, Courtney left herself open. She never trusted a person that wasn't responsible for her existence so fully before. For the first time in her life as a girl, she realized she was safe and welcomed the experience.

Tony knew that no matter how much they wanted it to, moments like this had to come to an end. The question was how. He found himself lost in her eyes, but he was also getting closer to her. He didn't plan on it happening, but soon they were so close that their lips touched. When Courtney didn't pull away, he took that as a sign of acceptance. As the girl parted her lips as his came together with them, he took that as a desire for him to finish the task.

As the summer sun beat down on the teenagers, they kissed.

Tony wrapped his arms around the girl and brought her close to him as he kissed her tenderly.

The girl offered no objection and was lost in the sensation. Her whole body tingled as she yielded to her guest. The kiss was unexpected, but not unwanted.

In an instant, the moment was over and the two parted.

“You kissed me,” Courtney said in shock.

“That I did.”

“But, why?”

Tony shrugged. “I guess to make us even. You kissed me on the cheek the other week.”

“I'm so sorry,” Courtney stammered.

Antonio was confused. “Sorry for what.”

“I didn't mean for that to happen.”

“Are you upset that it did?”

Courtney shook her head no.

“Then what's the problem,” Tony asked with compassion.

“I don't want things between us to change. You've been so great to me.”

Tony smiled. “Don't think of it as our relationship changing, think of it as improving.”

“Improving to what?”

“To whatever this is. It's not like I planned to fall in love, but I'm not disappointed.”

Though she would be hard pressed to explain why, Courtney began to cry.

Tony wrapped his arms around the girl and held her near as she buried her face into his chest. “It'll be okay, I'm here for you.”

“I never thought I would hear those words spoken to me,” Courtney sobbed. “I didn't think anyone could love me. I thought I would spend my entire life alone and unwanted.”

“Aren't you glad you were wrong?”

Courtney nodded. “But where do we go from here?”

“From here, we swim around and enjoy the pool before my mom comes home and then enjoy dinner,” Tony said with a huge smile on his face.

“That's not what I meant.”

“I know. But it's my way of telling you we take things one step at a time.”

Antonio was distracted during his Monday morning classes. He didn't know how things evolved between him and Courtney to get where they did. He kissed her. That was a fact he couldn't deny. It wasn't his nature to kiss a girl because it was something to do; he only kissed his last girlfriend, a handful of times and each of those were just as spontaneous as his kiss with Courtney.

He could have backed out of starting a relationship with the girl, but he didn't want to. Courtney made several valid arguments to why they shouldn't become a couple or keep it a secret. None of her reasons were because she didn't want to. All were based on how others would respond, a thing Tony didn't care to speculate on. He wasn't going to stand on a table in the middle of the lunchroom and announce to the school that he and Courtney were boyfriend and girlfriend, but it wasn't his style to hide things either. Tony figured he would let everything sort itself out and settle wherever they wished.

The teenager was glad he held to his convictions. Every time he saw Courtney in the hallway he could feel a certain electricity flow through him. He could see how the girl glowed, she was radiant. Between third and fourth period, he watched her head to D-wing, probably towards an English class. There was something new in the way she walked. Not only did she glow, but kept her head up with pride and walked with purpose. It appeared others noticed as well. Tony saw a handful of people whisper to each other as they pointed at his girlfriend.

Lunch time finally came around. Tony was glad he would have a few minutes to interact with the girl, even if others were going to be around. He wondered if Courtney would delay showing up in the cafeteria as she often did, or if she would get there as soon as she could.

Tony sat down and started arranged his meal on top of the brown paper bag. Part of him wished he thought of something romantic, like bringing Courtney a rose. There would be plenty of time to do that in the future and considering her recent history, maybe it was best he took things slow.

Antonio didn't want to be disappointed when Carl and Tracy were the first to join him at the table, but he was. He really thought Courtney would hasten her arrival, but still she delayed.

“Hey Tiny,” Tracy said as she sat down.

“Hey back at you.”

“What's up Tiny,” Carl said as he slid in the seat opposite him.

“Nothing much, just another day in paradise.”

“You seem more chipper than usual,” Tracy said.

“Chipper? Really?”

“It's a word my dad uses, so sue me. You seem happier than normal today, there, is that better?”

Tony laughed. “I liked chipper better, made me think of a little bird.'

“That's cheeper,” Carl said. “Cheep, cheep, cheep.”

Tracy rolled her eyes. “We need another girl to eat with us.”

“You got Courtney,” Tony pointed out.

Tracy pursed her lips. “Yes we have her, but I wouldn't mind another girl to even out the odds.”

“It's two against two,” Carl said.

“You forgot Dave and Ted.”

“Okay, four against two,” Tony added.

“More like three against two.”

“You think Dave and Ted are one person.”

Tracy shrugged. “Might as well be. Every time they talk, it's almost like the same person.”

“How about when they talk to each other?” Carl asked.

“A lot of crazy people argue with themselves,” Tracy said.

“Ouch!” Tony replied. “Don't say that in front of them, it would hurt their, or his, feelings.”

The conversation died down as Courtney entered the cafeteria and got in the back of the line. Tony smiled at her and she smiled back, adding a friendly wave towards the group.

“There's been something I've been meaning to ask you,” Carl said.

“Sure.” Tony straightened up. “Ask away.”

“I see you gave Courtney your wrestling pin.”

Tony put a doubtful look on his face. “How do you know it's my wrestling pin?”

“Who else could it be? I know I didn't give her my pin and what other wrestler does she know?”

“She knows John Sharp,” Tony pointed out.

“I forgot she knows him too. But John Sharp never owned a wrestling pin that had the word 'Tiny' engraved under it.”

“You caught me.” Tony smiled brightly.

“So, what is it? You gave her the wrestling pin as a badge to tell others not to mess with her.”

“If people take it that way it would be a bonus.”

“Aren't you afraid people might mistake it that she is your girlfriend?”

“She is,” Tony stated simply.

“She is what?” Tracy asked, suddenly becoming aware of the full scope of the conversation.

“She is my girlfriend,” Antonio said with a dopey grin.

“She's what?” Carl shouted as he sprang to his feet forgetting he was sitting in the cafeteria. He banged his thigh against the table, grimaced and then sat back down in pain.

“I said, she is my girlfriend,” Tony said evenly.

“Have you lost your mind?”

Tracy started to laugh. “Relax, Carl, he's only joking. Right, Tiny?”