Without a Doubt (33 page)

The room feels like it's getting smaller and closing in on me. My throat aches. Swallowing is getting progressively worse as I blink rapidly to hold back the tears. Instinctively, I angle toward Eva and wrap my arms around her waist, laying my head on my forearm. I just need a moment. Her fingers play in my hair with her soothing touch. It's not enough though. My skin prickles and with my eyes closed, all I can see is her casket with the sickening knowledge of her being inside. Eva shifts. Next thing I know, she's sitting sideways in my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulders as I bury my face into her neck. I inhale deeply. Her perfume begins to ground me.

“Okay?” she whispers.

I nod. I'm getting there.

A hushed, harsh whisper says, “You do not need to be sitting in his lap right now.”

I ignore it. This is what I need to get through this. Everyone's opinion be damned. Eva twists her head and in the same tone replies, “With all due respect, Mrs. Montgomery, please go away. It would be more helpful if you gave us a moment.”

Shit. It's my mom? A moment goes by and I kiss her neck in appreciation.

“I don't think your mother likes me anymore.”

I was starting to think the same thing to be honest. It's like all of a sudden, Mom disapproves of Eva. I don't know if it's because of what has happened with Kelly or because of Luke.

“People are starting to walk out.” She glances away. “Her parents are free for a moment if you're ready to see them.”

How could I ever be ready for a moment like this? I lift my head to meet her eyes. I cup her face and rest my forehead against hers. “Thank you.” All she does is nod before standing up.

She was right. Some people have walked out. Mrs. Price is looking at us and for a moment, I feel terrible for being weak and needing Eva to hold me together so publicly. I take Eva's hand before walking over to them. Her father is a short, stout man and the frown he always seemed to wear when I was around is more prominent on his face.

He shakes my hand, nodding once as I give them my condolences again. Kelly's mom hugs me tightly. They acknowledge Eva before turning their attention on me.

“Are you going to the service as well?” she asks.

“Yes, ma'am.”

“Good. You're more than welcome to sit with us, Emerson. You were practically family anyway and I would like to have you there.”

Shit. I'm going to have to leave Eva's side to do that, but I can't tell her no. I nod in agreement.

“Thank you.” She squeezes my hand.

I nod again. “We'll see you there.” Quickly, I turn and walk away, hurrying outside and to my truck. Funerals are awkward to begin with. Everyone wants to tell you how sorry they are, bring food you'll never be able to eat all of, and then you have to be near this dead body, which isn't the person you're mourning. That person is gone the moment their heart stops beating. I don't want to say goodbye to a shell. I don't want to be around it either. And then, if you're on the other side of the fence, you never really know what to say other than sorry.

I lean against the driver's door of my truck, looking up at the sky as I tilt my head back. We have fifteen minutes before we'll need to start making our way to cemetery. I don't know if I can do this, being up there with her parents, up at the front and so close to her. How am I supposed to keep it together if I can't put some of my focus on Eva? What the hell was Kelly even thinking doing this to me?

Eva's hands rest on my chest and I glance down at her. “You need this, Emerson. You'll be fine,” she reassures me. When I nod, she puts some pressure on my chest with her hands. “Stop nodding. You have a mouth and a voice, use them. Last time all you did was nod, you blew up at Glen.”

“Sorry,” I offer.

I chuckle when she nods, my lips lifting in a smile when she laughs softly, realizing she did what she just ordered me to stop doing. I catch sight of my parents over her shoulder. “I'm sorry about my mom. I don't know what her problem is.”

Eva shrugs, dropping her hands. “It was probably inappropriate for me to do, but she didn't have to fuss at me over it.”

“No, she didn't,” I agree.

People are beginning to get into their vehicles, so we do the same. I lift Eva into the truck before climbing in after her. The memory of Eva calling me her day-saver surges in my mind. She's been my day-saver for four days now. In some weird way, I could thank Kelly for being part of the reason Eva's here with me. I would be worse off without her. I'm still pissed at her decisions, but part of me is thankful.

Time seems to fly once we arrive. I tug on my collar and Eva kisses my cheek.

“I'll come find you when it's over,” she tells me.

“Okay,” I answer to keep from nodding. I find Kelly's parents and sit next to her mother. The family has seats arranged in rows in front of the casket while everyone else is left standing. I glance back to spot Eva and I'm blown away by the amount of people here. Kelly was amazing, but I wonder if her keeping her illness a secret and her sudden death is part of the reason it seems like the entire town is here.

The service starts soon enough and I tune out the man talking about her life. Memories of nearly my entire life play like a story in my head. Kelly is in almost every single one of them. She was my first best friend, my first crush, my first love. I wouldn't trade that time with her. She helped morph me into who I am today. She was a part of my life and I'm so thankful to have known her, to have loved her. Eva begins filtering into my memories. I didn't think it was possible to love someone more than I loved Kelly, but I was wrong. Maybe Kelly realized it was possible for me.

I blink and realize it's over. Her parents are standing in front of the casket. I watch them pat it in goodbye before turning away. I stand, walking up to it. Throwing everything I was thinking earlier out the window, I rest a hand on the casket.

“I still don't agree with how you did it, Kelly,” I speak under my breath. One of the last things she wrote in her letter was asking for my forgiveness. “I forgive you.” A weight lifts from my shoulders with the words.

I'VE BEEN MINDING my own business as I wait for Emerson to finish saying his goodbye. His mother officially pissed me off at the funeral home. Emerson needed comfort and all I could think about was how he held me after he found out, so I sat that way with him. She didn't agree with me; I don't care because I was obviously right in what I thought he needed.

“Eva.” I turn at the sound of Mrs. Montgomery's voice. Ugh. She's really pushing me today. I've been trying to focus on Emerson and not the situation, but without Emerson here, it's harder to do. She's watching me as if she's waiting for me to say something.

“Can I help you?” I mentally wince at my tone. There's more bite in it than I intended.

Her eyes narrow. “What happened at the funeral home,” she begins and I feel like I'm about to be lectured.

“Was me helping Emerson,” I interrupt. He was holding onto me before I moved to his lap, but I don't think she saw that.

She purses her lips. “It was inappropriate.” Is she seriously doing this? We're at a funeral and she wants to chastise me? “It was disrespectful as well. Kelly was his girlfriend and best friend. You shouldn't have done it.”

I lower my voice. “I know who Kelly was to Emerson. I wasn't doing anything Emerson didn't want me to do. He was hurting and I was comforting him. As his mother, you should want his pain to be lessened.” She opens her mouth to object, looking shocked as if I attacked her parenting skills or something. “Why do you have a problem with me now?”

Her gaze turns steely. “His life should have been spent with Kelly.”

I stare at her with wide eyes, my mouth hanging open a bit. I don't understand what caused her to do a one-eighty.

“Everything okay?”

I snap out of it at the sound of Emerson's voice. “Yes, are you ready to go?”

“People are going over to their house,” Mrs. Montgomery says to Emerson. “You should go.”

He shakes his head. “I don't think I will. We've got that drive home, too.” He kisses her cheek, says goodbye, and leads us to his truck. When we get on the interstate, Emerson asks, “What did Mom say to you?”

“Nothing,” I lie. He doesn't need me to add onto today.

“You looked as if she had slapped you, Eva,” he points out. I wish she had because it felt like it. It probably wouldn't have hurt as much either. “What did she say?” he repeats.

I ignore him. “Did you say goodbye?”

He glances at me, but I don't acknowledge him. “Yes.” He adjusts the heat and adds, “I forgave her.”

“That's good.”

“I even thanked her.”

This time, I glance at him. “For what?”

He shrugs and uses one hand to undo the buttons at his neck. “Everything. The time she gave me and for the break. I don't agree with it still, but if I had known, I would have done exactly what she didn't want me to do.” He reaches for my hand. “And I wouldn't have met you.”

“Yes, you would have. You roomed with Glen. You would have met me eventually.”

“Maybe, but maybe not.” He stops long enough to take a breath. “What did she say?”

I lean my head against the headrest, thankful I'm on this side of the truck instead of on the middle. “Why do you think she hates me now?” I ask.

“Because of the funeral home. You didn't do as she thought you should and you went against her.”

Great. “I've done it twice now. Three times if you count that conversation.”

“When was the first time?” he asks as he changes lanes.

“When you walked outside that day? She told me not to follow you, and I ignored her.”

“I'm glad you did,” he says solemnly. Again, he doesn't let it go. “I think part of it with my mom is the thing with Luke. Mom has frowned upon most girls who are...associated...with Luke because she thinks they are as bad as he can be. They obviously aren't any good if they'll hook up with him like that, is her thinking. You started inching to her bad side then.”

“So I'm on her shit list for something that happened two years ago?”

He squeezes my hand. “Maybe. Don't worry about it.”

“I'm not supposed to worry about your mom hating me and thinking you shouldn't have ever been with me?” I blurt out.

He jerks his gaze in my direction and I immediately regret saying it. “What did she say to you, Eva?”

There's no escaping it this time. “She told me you should have been with Kelly.” I hurry to explain what led to her saying so.

He shakes his head. “I'm sorry, Eva. Kelly was like a daughter to her, but she shouldn't have said that to you. It's not your fault or mine that I wasn't with Kelly the past year and a half. It's Kelly's. She can't blame you for me being with you now. Ignore it.”

“Okay.” Being on his mother's good side is preferable, but Emerson's is the only opinion that matters to me. I reach out to find the country music station and adjust the volume, turning it higher just a bit.

We are quiet on the drive back, stopping to pick up food before we reach his apartment. Inside, I take off my heels, grateful to have them off my feet. Emerson asks me if I'm staying tonight, and I am, and with how my work schedule is for the next few days, I have a feeling I'll be staying here for the rest of the week. He's kept me within reach since Sunday, not that I've minded. I like being here with him.

Emerson goes to lie down on the couch, turning on the TV, while I throw away our trash. I glance at him, debating if I want to lie with him or make him pick up his feet. He's untucked his dress shirt and unbuttoned it, so it falls to his sides, revealing his undershirt. Emerson holds out his hand and makes the decision for me to lie with him.

“We should probably change,” I say.

He runs his hands up my back. “We will eventually. I just got comfortable.”

I snuggle into him, closing my eyes instead of watching the sports highlights.

“Let me see a hand,” Emerson requests. I give him one by lifting it above my head. Since his shoulders are leaning against the armrest, he's propped up some and I'm a bit low on his chest. I feel both his hands grab mine and he begins to massage it.

I smile. “You didn't forget.”