Wishing on the Water (Water Series Book 1) (2 page)

“
I can’t do this.” I murmured through the tears. “I can’t let him go.”

“
Candy, you and I will get through this together. I won’t leave your side until you tell me too.”

I forcefully slowed my breathing and calmed my tears. I still had an entire day of admitting the love of my life was gone to get through. I know I wasn’t the only one who lost Chase, but I could only deal with one heartache at a time.

“
Where were you?” I asked as I pulled myself together.

“
Last minute lead. I wanted to see where it went.”

“
Did you catch him?” I whispered not knowing if I really wanted this answer. Did I really want to know who shot my fiancé? Did I really want to stand by and watch him stand trial? Chase was gunned down and his life cut short, and the best I could hope for is the bastard who did it would spend life in prison.

“
No. It was a bad lead, but I will find him.” Jax whispered as he laid a soft kiss on top of my head.

“
How are you doing, Jax. Really?” I asked hoping he was doing better than I was. He seemed to be holding his self together, but I could see behind his eyes that he was crushed.

“
I will be alright, I’m more worried about you. We have each other and we will get through this together.” He whispered as voices near the door grew louder.

Jax stood stoic as people filed out the door; he had put his emotions aside to be there for me, and for that I would be eternally grateful. I watched the door of the church as everyone was filing out and hugging on his family. I was supposed to be there next to Michelle, but I couldn’t handle it. I needed comfort from Jax. He was my best friend and he was all I wanted at the moment.

“
Candice, do you want me to take you home?” Jax whispered.

“
N-no. I have to go. It’s my duty to Chase and his family.” I replied as I watched the tears fall from all the people who loved Chase.

“
Candice, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Do
not
add any extra heartache for yourself.”

“
Just hold my hand, Jax.”

As the church finished letting everyone out, the officers carried out the casket and placed it in the buggy that was led by a white horse. This was the one thing Chase had asked for in his will.
One last ride as a white knight.
I watched as the men saluted the casket as the horse pulled the carriage forward. Then the family led out behind it and we walked in silence behind the procession as the bag pipes played.

“
Jax, do you think you could stay with me tonight?” I asked in a whisper. I didn’t want to seem vulnerable, but I was. Going back to the house alone, the house Chase and I had just bought together seemed like a punishment.

“
Why don’t you come stay in my guest room? We can order take out and watch movies if you like. We can do whatever you want to do.” I nodded my acceptance. I don’t know why I was so afraid to ask Jax for anything; he was my best friend.

Jax was the calm to my storm. Every fight that Chase and I had, I went to Jaxson and would spill my guts as to whether I thought I was right or wrong. Chase would have called him and told him his version, while I was driving over there. He acted as our own personal marriage counselor.

The bagpipes sang “Amazing Grace” as we marched the few blocks to the cemetery. The sound alone sent shivers of cold darkness down my spine; I was surrounded by hundreds of people, but yet I felt all alone.

I was grateful that Christina was here even though she didn’t like Chase that much. She had really stepped up to the plate in helping me put everything together. I turned to find her and saw her long red hair next to Chase’s mom, Michelle. Her green eyes were red-lined and she seemed to be sick, as she held her stomach with one hand while holding Michelle’s hand with her other.

“
You alright?” I asked Christina in a hushed whisper.

“
Funerals always upset me. I will be fine. How are you holding up?”

“
I will be fine,” I whispered and Christina nodded her head.

We approached the hill and slowly climbed it as we walked to Chase’s final resting place. I had gotten him a plot that overlooked the river up on the hill and a red oak tree shaded his spot. I thought it was perfect for him.

His large black etched tombstone read “Chase Henry Matson, beloved son, brother, friend, partner, and fiancé.” It really fit what Chase wanted. I had done everything he asked, except for burying him with his guns. The department had a policy against it. Since I couldn’t do that, I had a 9mm engraved into each corner tombstone instead.

My brain faded into memories as we filed into a waiting tent with chairs. We took our seats as the commissioner stepped up to say a few words about honor, dedication, and sacrifice. I don’t know why I didn’t like him, but he rubbed me the wrong way.

I leaned on Jax’s arm as the Chaplain stepped up to talk about religion and how Chase was walking the path in heaven. I tried to listen, but the words faded out. I was in a world of my own and no one else was here with me.

I jumped at the first rifle shot. It brought me back to reality and made me jump again for the second and third as they finished the three-volley salute.

The sound of taps came from the bag pipes immediately afterward. Chills racked my body as the realization came that this was it; I would never see Chase again. A stray tear fell as I listened and waited. Jax held my hand and gave it a squeeze reminding me he was still with me. I was grateful to have him here to lean on.

They lowered the casket, and Michelle was the first one to take the shovel and pour dirt on him, followed by the rest of the family. I waited until they were done, then I picked up a rose they had set aside and stood before the open hole in the ground.

“
Chase, I have loved you for years. This was always the plan of how we would end, but never this soon. I do not know how to move on or breathe anymore because you were my air and my reason for getting up every morning. I will love you all day every day for the rest of my life.”

I tossed the rose into the hole and whispered the words “goodbye Chase” as Jax walked up and we each took turns with the shovel, dropping the dirt into the hole and watching it land on the casket.

The minister prayed as I sat back down, and the funeral came to an end. It was time for the toasting farewell. I had never heard of a toasting farewell until my mom’s funeral. People went to dinner and everyone ordered a shot; they drank to her arrival in heaven. They drank to her no longer being in pain. They drank to seeing her again one day. I wondered what the point was, but it seemed to help my dad, so I went with it and toasted “cheers” with the apple juice in my cup, too.

“
You ready to go to the farewell?” Jax asked.

“
Ready as I will ever be.”

“
You don’t have to go, Candice. It is not mandatory.” Jax whispered, but the truth is it was mandatory. How could I ignore his family and fellow officers due to my own pain?

“
I am ready, but do me a favor. Don’t leave my side. I don’t want to be left alone right now.”

Jax nodded his head and we headed back to the church parking lot, where the limo was waiting to take us downtown to the banquet hall where the toasting farewell was being held.

As we walked inside the banquet hall, I went to the bar immediately with Jax. I looked around the room that was too light for a toasting farewell. The white walls and beige tile floors gave it a light ambiance and my mood was far from light.

We both ordered an Irish whiskey, and I took my drink swirling it in the glass. I wondered what I was going to say. What am I supposed to say? I thought back to the lovely words my dad had said about my mom. He had talked about love and marriage. He talked about my mom’s plans and how I was her greatest gift.

I was getting emotional thinking about my mom when I was supposed to be grieving for Chase. I was officially screwed up.

I looked to Jax, who was shaking hands with a man in a black suit. I didn’t know who he was, but he looked important. I tried to give them privacy and walk away, but Jax merely tightened his grip on my hand to say I wasn’t going anywhere.

Michelle came up and I put my glass down as I gave her a one armed hug. She was waiting for me to say my toast to Chase so that she could go home and rest. Having your heart and emotions strung out like ours were is exhausting.

I looked back to find Jax staring at me. I nodded at him that it was time and headed toward the picture of Chase at the head of the room. As I stood there a moment and contemplated what I was going to say, I heard the whispers and quietness that fell around the room. Jax squeezed my hand, an added reminder that I wasn’t alone even if it felt that way.

“
I would like to thank all of you for coming today to pay respects to Chase. Somewhere in the back of my
head,
I waited for him to sit up and tell me it was another one of his stupid practical jokes. We know how much he loved those, and I probably would’ve broken his nose for this one. I… It wasn’t until we closed the casket that I realized he wasn’t getting up. This isn’t some awful joke. I have loved the guy for my whole life. I am turning 25 this year and just told Chase 24 years was a long time to wait for him to propose. He laughed and said we had our whole lives to be together. I don’t think Chase knew his time would be cut so
short; but, even
if he did
, he
lived each day to the fullest. Always out saving the world one criminal at a time. He was never one to be idle and I loved that about him… I came here today to say goodbye to my very best friend and the love of my life, but I can’t… So I lift my glass to celebrate the life of the most wonderful man I have ever known and hope that he waits for me to join him in heaven. This may be a farewell toast, but I am only drinking a see-you-later shot.”

We took our shot and walked to the bar for the next one as Chase’s uncle stepped up with Michelle. Movement caught my eye and I saw my dad. He gave a nod as if to say hello and tried to give me a half smile, but I knew he was hurting; Chase was like a son to him.

I pulled Jax’s hand removing him from the conversation with Chase’s uncle and pulled him out the back door. We stepped out on the large octagon shaped deck. I just needed fresh air, and wanted to get away from all the broken hearts. I secretly wished I could say something and make it better. I would give anything to see Michelle with dry eyes and a smile on her face.

"Let me take you home." Jax offered, but I shook my head no. We walked out to the edge of the deck that bridged out to the edge of the river. I headed for the railing to look into the water.

"Jax,” I said with sniffles from crying. “Do you remember when the city tore down our wishing well?"