Why Men Love Bitches (30 page)
Read Why Men Love Bitches Online
Authors: Sherry Argov
Men size women up and feel them out. He wants to know if you live in a fairy tale and want to grow up to be a “princess”—or whether you are independent and level-headed, with goals of your own. If they cannot tell where you’re coming from and don’t always know what you will do next, they respect you more and treat you better. And that opens up avenues for him to become attached and fall for you.
A side-by-side comparison:
| E MOTIONAL I NTENSITY … | VS. | A H INT OF I NDIFFERENCE … |
|---|---|---|
| If he senses you are 100% hooked within the first month… | | If he senses you’re curious and willing to learn more, and you aren’t following the pattern that most women follow… |
… he will think he has complete control. That makes him lose interest and see you less often. | | … he thinks: “Gee, I wonder why she’s not buying into it?” |
… then he’ll begin to see what he can get away with. If behaves in a less-than-gentlemanly way, he assumes you’ll forgive him. | | … then he’ll begin to see you as an individual and a real person—not just a hump toy. He’ll begin to see, “there is a lot more here.” that keeps his interest. |
The most important thing is to break the pattern of what he’s used to seeing. When a man sees you keep your distance ever-so-slightly, and you are outside his reach—and that you don’t give him a “free pass”—that hooks him and keeps him interested. He gets hooked when he doesn’t have the mental “pull” he’s used to having because he has not yet won. That’s when it becomes a mental challenge. “I have to be a better man to get and keep this one.” That’s how you get a proper courtship.
Some women try to communicate their strategy, and approach these issues verbally. The next letter illustrates this.
Dear Sherry,
I have my own career and my own life. Men see this. And I tell them I will not tolerate bullshit of any kind. And I express that I want to be able to be who I am. I want to be able to show what makes me happy and sad. I want to be able to talk about everything and anything. Wouldn’t the right guy want me to be myself? I am a strong woman. But men often seem intimidated by me.
—Anonymous Nice Girl
Men are not afraid of strong women. A man named Michael explained, “Men are not afraid of strong women, they are afraid of a woman with very strong jaw muscles and overly-active vocal cords.” Then he told a story:
“A lot of women don’t realize that their own worst enemy is their mouth. If she whines and complains a lot, it doesn’t matter if she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
(Translation? No emotional control.) I remember a blind date where I picked up a woman and started driving to meet two other couples at a restaurant forty minutes away. The whole way to the restaurant my date kept saying, ‘I’m hungry. I’m starved. I’m hungry. I’m starved. How much longer is it going to be?’ She knew where the restaurant was, and how long it would take to get there. But she nagged the whole way and didn’t stop venting her discomfort. I decided before we got to the restaurant that I’d never take her out again.”
The less you telegraph or dictate verbally, the better. The more you talk, the less you can read what he’s doing and where he’s coming from. To a man, the worst kind of partner is the one to whom—no matter what he gives—it will never be good enough.
You get a lot further by “flying below radar” and playing up your feminine side. Your feminine side disarms men because they have no defense to it. Men are not afraid of strong women…they are put off by women who have
lost their femininity
. Dolly Parton, who is one of the most successful businesswomen and well-respected songwriters in Nashville, said something interesting in a
60 Minutes
interview recently. She said: “A lot of men thought I was as silly as I looked. I look like a woman but I think like a man. And in this world of business, that has helped me a lot. Because by the time they think that I don’t know what’s going on…I done got the money, and gone.” Her femininity keeps her stealth. She stays ahead of the game by flying below radar.
As a general rule, don’t telegraph or announce what you want. Not only do you communicate your strategy, you also reduce the mystery in the relationship. If you don’t like what you see, raise the issue when it comes up. If his response is not acceptable, then leave. But don’t telegraph to a guy
up front
(who you barely know) what makes you happy or what makes you upset. If you do, many men will use the information to manipulate you. He’ll do what you like just long enough to get what he wants. Or, he’ll do it to get forgiveness for something he’s done wrong.
This is how that plays out….
Dear Sherry,
I’ve been dating a guy on and off. It seems like a vicious cycle. We have been on this insane merry-go-ride for two years. We are very passionate in bed, but outside the bed he is emotionally unavailable and the relationship is not progressing. I have left him a million times only for him to chase me with e-mails, phone calls, and showing up at my home or work. He tells me “this time will be different” and he is “going to change.” He begs me not to leave him and tells me he needs me. I take him back and he is good for a day or two then goes back to his selfish ways. I do love him but this emotional merry-go-round is making me dizzy.
—Anonymous Nice Girl
If there are any men reading this scenario, they are green with envy. “Man, all that great sex…for free?”
If a relationship is on-and-off within the first year, that’s an immediate sign you are wasting your time. He’s not “hot and cold” because he’s indecisive. He’s “hot and cold” because he is manipulating you. Let’s define:
THE “HOT-AND-COLD” RELATIONSHIP
When he’s “hot,” he is manipulating you. When he’s “cold,” he is showing his true colors.
If you think, “If only we can reconnect and sleep together. Then it will escalate into a relationship,” you are helping him manipulate you. When a guy you’ve known a while calls once a week, you can’t think, “Yay! My plan is finally working.” Because what he’s saying to himself is, “Cool, this one I can sleep with every two weeks,” and then he tries to find another woman he can sleep with in between. What I often hear from women is: “But I really want this guy. We had great chemistry. How can I spike his interest?” They are just not willing to accept that “this guy” is manipulating them, or that
that is who he is
.
The question I often hear from women is, “How do I stop thinking about him? How do I stop caring so much?” If you are on a diet, you can’t think about chocolate cake constantly, right? Same goes for relationships. Many women are so gripped with fear over the loss of a man that they think of him constantly. Stopping that unhealthy obsession solves 90 percent of the problem, and lifts all the pain. When you are no longer obsessed, men sense it. You often get what you want. This gives the power back to you.
If you want to control your emotions, you have to control your thoughts. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” The best chance at success with a particular guy is when you are not intensely attached. Whether you are starting a relationship and you want to keep your feet on the ground, or you are ending one and need to detach, the following exercise will help. The key is to stop thinking about him altogether—cold turkey.
- Whenever you think about him, STOP.
- Consciously replace the thought of him with another thought or activity.
- It must be a feel-good thought or activity.
- The key is to distract yourself, immediately.
- Do this repeatedly, each time he pops into your head.
- Get creative. Immediately turn on your favorite show, eat your favorite meal, go to the gym, or get out for a walk.
- Each and every time you think of him—without exception—stop the worry and pain and force yourself to experience the opposite. Do something that
feels
good.
If you are at work, get your favorite coffee. If you are in the car, put in a feel-good CD. When children cry, you distract them with a toy, right? You have to break the downward spiral of negativity and force yourself to focus on positive things that have
nothing to do with him
. If you do this ten times a day for a few days, you will break the habit of obsessing over him. That is how you lift the pain and pull yourself back up by your own bootstraps.
In
Paradise Lost
, John Milton wrote, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” In
Chapter 2
we talked about not seeing a new guy all the time or for too many consecutive nights in a row. And readers follow this advice. Where they screw up is that while they are not in his company, they think about the guy constantly—and form an unhealthy dependence. You may as well move in with him the first week if you are going to think of him twenty-four hours a day.
While you detach, always re-evaluate your “prize.” If he still isn’t giving you what you want, the question to ask yourself is whether you really want him. Maybe he’s a bratty child in an adult body and never went through the rites of passage from “boy” to “man”…and his mamma still does his laundry which gives him a false sense of grandiosity. When you encounter a guy like that, don’t assume you are no longer desirable. You have to get up, dust yourself off, and say, “He isn’t the person I thought he was. I need to dust myself off and invest my energy elsewhere.” As Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them…the
first
time.”
With a good man, he’s not thinking, “How can I take?” He’s thinking, “How can I give?” A quality man wants to keep his wife or girlfriend happy—emotionally. It’s ego: “I am
man enough
to please my woman!” That makes him feel like a stud. Now let’s define happy: Happiness is not getting scraps.
Don’t take it personally. Very little has anything to do with you. Many people lack the basic equipment to be in a relationship and there’s nothing you can do to change it. You can’t take a skunk and dip it in perfume and hope it becomes a puppy. Eventually, the perfume will wear off and you’ll still have a skunk on your hands.
Always look at who you are dealing with
; what you see is what you get. His character won’t change. His career might change, his clothing might change, his priorities might change, his residence might change. But his character will stay the same.
The men who think it’s okay to give scraps to you lack this basic equipment necessary for a good relationship.
- Character and decency
- A stand-up person
- Consideration for others
- Appreciation for kindness
- A sense of proportion with respect to how much a person gives, and how much they take
- Loyalty to those who are loyal to you
I remember that a teacher of mine once said, “Make those people important…those people who make
you
important.” It’s not that hard, if everyone makes an effort. And if it’s become hard, and you feel like a slave laborer in this relationship, stop punishing yourself. Misery is not a return. You have full control over how you are made to feel. You may feel like you are handcuffed and bound—but you are holding the key to those cuffs and can very easily take them off.
If you are seeing a guy for several months, and you allow him to see you once a week—for sex—and on top of that you are wanting more from the relationship, you are signaling to him that he can take advantage of you. Sex is not something you do to reward someone or to score a relationship. Sex is something you do with a man who already cares about you. If months have gone by and you aren’t talking at least every other day, that’s not a relationship. This is often when the nice girl instinct kicks into overdrive. Here’s the succession of logic:
“He was wonderful in the beginning.”
“I just have screwed things up.”
“I need to…do more…work harder…jump higher…”
“… and pick up a two-by-four and beat myself up with it by wearing myself out and telling myself I’m not worthy.”
Life is hard enough; you don’t need anyone around darkening your doorstep to make it worse. It’s not always you. Maybe it’s just not a good fit. Maybe he just doesn’t have the basic equipment (and nor will he with
any
woman).
So remember, have a wait-and-see attitude and, while you learn about him, keep a parachute on your heart. With a good guy, if you regulate or slow down what you give early on, you will see what kind of person you are dealing with. The cream will rise to the top. When you give a little and then wait to see what comes back, the guy who is worth having around will give also. If he cools off, a hint of indifference acts as a trigger. He will be concerned about what you are feeling. A woman can tell how much a man cares by how much he remembers what she likes, and whether he’s doing things to make her happy.
That’s the big picture: your happiness. And health. You should never care what a man thinks of you—
until he demonstrates to you that he cares about making you happy
. If he isn’t trying to make you happy, then send him back from “whence” he came because winning him over will have no benefit. At the end of the day, happiness, joy,…and yes…your “emotional stability”…those comprise the only measuring stick you really need to have.