Wholehearted (27 page)

He shook his head, realizing how stupid that thought was. If Lucas needed someone, Declan would be the last person on his list to call. Declan was the reason Lucas was here in the first place. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

He sat down on a metal bench next to a planter across the wide room from the bank of elevators. From there he could see the entire lobby. Leaning back against the wall, Declan people watched while he waited.

Most of the people walking through were business people coming and going from their offices. Women in pencil skirts and men in sharply pressed suits walked briskly across the marble floor. The day wore on, the morning hours fading away until noon approached.

The crowd changed then, a few of the business people returning from the upper floors of the building to greet friends and lovers who waited for them just inside the doors. It made him ache inside to see wives kissing their husbands, content to be spending an hour in the middle of the day with the person they loved.

Declan wanted that. He wanted that with Lucas more than he’d ever wanted anything. He’d had that, and he’d fucked it up. The familiar desperation gnawed at his gut when he thought of what he’d lost. Turning his attention down, he stared at his shoes. Night after night without sleep finally catching up to him, and he was an emotional wreck. He couldn’t watch, couldn’t stand to see the happy smiles and loving touches without losing it completely. Leaning forward, resting his forearms on his knees, Declan kept his gaze focused on his shoes.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Relax. Do not have a complete meltdown in front of all these people.

A shadow crossed over Declan’s shoes, making him look up. Lucas was there, his slender body blocking the light streaming in through the tall windows.

“Hi,” he said, echoing their awkward greeting from earlier.

“Hi,” Declan replied, not sure what to say. He wasn’t sure what Lucas’s frame of mind would be after spending three hours with Reese.

“We’re all done for today.”

“How’d it go?” Declan asked, testing the waters. He couldn’t get a read on Lucas’s mood. There wasn’t a lot of leeway in the first place to push, but he wanted to say something,
anything
, to form some sort of a connection with him.

Lucas shrugged, not giving much away with his words or his body language. He was closed off, shielded like he had been when Declan had first interacted with him in the hospital: distant and aloof.

“Went okay, I guess. About what I figured.”

“Well, that’s good?” Declan said, his tone rising of its own accord, making his statement sound more like a question.

“Yeah, whatever. Can we go?”

“Sure,” Declan replied. “You just wanna go home?”

“Yes please,” Lucas said, his tone softening. “I’m just really tired. It’s been a long few weeks.”

“Sure, I understand,” he said, following Lucas out into the afternoon sun.

The car was warm when they climbed in, and once again Declan was struck with longing to be close to Lucas. He smelled clean and warm, and Declan just wanted to bury his face against the soft skin along the side of Lucas’s neck to breathe him in. But he didn’t. He stared straight ahead and put the car into gear, pulling out into traffic that hadn’t seemed to lighten since the morning rush.

T
HEY
MADE
it back to Lucas’s safe house in just under a half an hour, the ride home as silent as the one downtown had been. It was awkward. There was so much Declan wanted to say, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t push. It couldn’t be him. He had to let Lucas decide that he wanted Declan to be in his life.

He pulled into the driveway and turned off the car, hesitating for a moment, unsure whether he should walk Lucas to the door or not. It seemed too personal, but it was awkward to just sit there and say good-bye.

Declan was so out of his element, second-guessing his options and doubting every decision. It was driving him insane.

He turned toward Lucas and opened his mouth to speak, but Lucas interrupted him. “Do you wanna come in?” he asked quietly.

Declan’s heart swelled with hope. Maybe they could go back, maybe Lucas had forgiven him.

He nodded, not trusting his voice not to break with his assent.

“’Kay.”

Lucas pushed open the car door and climbed out. It took Declan a split second to gather enough mental capacity to force his body to do the same, and then he was bounding up the steps after the man he wanted more than anything on Earth.

He followed Lucas inside and closed the door behind them. “Do you want something to drink?” Lucas asked, his voice sounding unsure.

“Uh, no thanks,” Declan said, before he realized he should have said yes. Holding a drink would give him something to do with his hands. He was just standing there, staring. Lucas looked terrified. Declan shoved his hands into his pockets and stared back. Neither man said anything. It was possibly the longest two minutes of Declan’s life.

“Uh, come on in, I guess,” Lucas said finally, leading Declan into the living room.

He looked around taking in the space that Lucas had called home since he’d left Declan. It was nice, small but nice. Tidy with generic furniture that could have been in any home in America.

There was a light-blue sofa that sat along one wall, an oak coffee table, and a grey armchair, all facing the TV that was mounted across from the front window. There were no books, no knickknacks, no personalization of any kind. Declan couldn’t see Lucas living here. It wasn’t
him
.

He took a seat on the sofa, far enough to the side that Lucas could sit next to him if he wanted to.

He didn’t.

Instead, he sat down in the armchair next to the sofa. Declan tried not to be disappointed at the indefinite space that still stretched between them. He tried not to get his hopes up about what Lucas might say next. It took everything in him not to blurt out how much he missed him, how much he wanted him back. He owed it to Lucas to listen to what he had to say, though.

Lucas took a deep breath and started talking.

“I’ve had a long time to think about what I was going to say to you when I saw you again, Declan. It’s all I’ve thought about since I left….” His words ended there, silence stretching out like the ocean.

“And?”

“And I still don’t know. It feels like I’ve been away from you for an eternity, and I am more confused now than I was when I left.”

He sat back in the chair and pulled his feet up under him before continuing. “I have never been happier than I was with you. I love you. I’d never let myself fall like that before, but you made me feel safe, like falling was the best thing I could do if you were the one that was there to catch me. I could have lived in your arms forever, but you broke that.”

Declan nodded, the sting of Lucas’s words cutting deep.

“I feel like you betrayed me, like you deceived me. I know you think you were doing the right thing, and that every intention was honorable, but the job came first, and your agenda came first. I needed you to put me first, and you couldn’t do that.

“It was hard for me to tell you what happened, possibly more difficult than going through it in the first place. I had started to care about you. I didn’t want to see that look of pity across your face. I didn’t want you to think of me as a victim, just another guy that you swooped in to save. I wanted to be different for you, and you turned it into a police case. That night wasn’t about victim testimony. That was about me opening up and telling you something that scared the shit out of me to tell.”

“I know that,” Declan said.

“No, you don’t know that, because I didn’t tell you. You betrayed that confidence by writing it all down. I realize you never meant for Mack to find it. I know that my telling you put you in a tough spot because it’s your
job
to report it, but it was your
job
to tell me that you couldn’t keep it between us, that you couldn’t in good conscience not report it. I would have understood, and it may have taken me longer to get to a point where I felt comfortable telling you, but I truly believe I would have gotten there. Instead, I feel like you tricked me into telling you before I was ready.

“And now that I am saying this out loud, I know how similar I sound to a fifth-grade girl getting pissed at her best friend for not keeping her secrets, but I don’t give a shit. We had something, Declan, something I’ve never had with anyone else, and it was built on a trust that you shattered the second you had the opportunity. I just don’t know where to go from here.”

“But is there? I mean… is there somewhere to go?”

Lucas rose from the chair and moved to sit facing Declan on the sofa. “I don’t have everything worked out in my head. It’s still a jumbled fucking mess of a situation, and I can’t seem to sift through all the tangled threads. All I know is that I’ve been fucking miserable since I left and I’m not going to be unmiserable without you.”

Declan was trying hard to focus on the words and really hear Lucas. He wanted to understand, to show him that he understood, but the joy that was sweeping him under was making it difficult for him to process the rest.

There was a chance they could get back what they had lost. Lucas was going to try to forgive him. He tried to calm himself down. He didn’t want to push too far too fast, but he reached over, turning Lucas’s hand over in his lap and sliding his along Lucas’s palm until their fingers were intertwined.

Lucas sighed and relaxed into the touch, stroking his thumb along the side of Declan’s hand. That simple touch meant more to Declan than anything else ever had. He wanted to freeze this moment, this feeling, and keep it with him always. He could feel the love, as if it were a tangible thing, seeping from him. He wanted to fan it toward Lucas, bathe him in it. He tightened his grip, wanting Lucas to know how much he loved him.

“I’m not going to tell you that all is instantly forgiven, because it’s not, Declan. We’re going to need to build the trust back, and it could take some time.”

“But we can try? Please, Lucas. I want to try,” he said. He was not above begging. If it meant Lucas would come back, he would get down on his knees to beg.

Lucas nodded, a little smile breaking across his lips. “Yeah, we can try. I’ve missed you.”

Declan shifted his body to face Lucas more directly. Keeping their hands tangled together, he reached up with his other hand to slide his palm along Lucas’s cheek. Lucas closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Declan couldn’t believe how unbelievably good it felt to be touching him like this. Lucas opened his eyes. He looked so vulnerable, staring at Declan with glassy blue eyes, begging him silently not to hurt him again.

Declan leaned in slowly, giving Lucas time to pull back if he wanted to, just like he had that first night in Hope Cove. Lucas leaned in too, closing the space between them and pressing their lips together.

Pure, unadulterated joy surged through Declan. He felt as though his blood had been replaced by liquid happiness. That chaste kiss meant more to him than Lucas could ever know. Lucas’s lips were soft and warm, and Declan never wanted to stop kissing him. He applied a little more pressure, and just like he was made for it, Lucas opened up for Declan, sliding his tongue out to lick tentatively at Declan’s bottom lip. Declan threaded his fingers through Lucas’s hair, holding them together and kissing him back.

The kisses were slow, leisurely, as if they had forever to kiss. There was nothing urgent between them. If Declan had anything to say about it, they did have forever.

They kissed for what felt like hours, tasting each other and feeding off each other, until Lucas shifted, climbing to straddle Declan’s lap. He kissed him harder, deeper, and Declan heard Lucas moan quietly. Declan pulled him in, wrapping his arms around Lucas’s waist and holding him closer.

Lucas broke the kiss, panting quietly. “No.”

Declan immediately dropped his hands. “No?”

“No, I mean no, not here. Not like this. I don’t want to do this here, Declan.”

Lucas kissed him again, reassuring him with actions instead of words. “Take me home?”

“Home.”

“Yeah. This was never home. I just wanna be home with you. Please?”

Declan pulled him in again, burying his face in Lucas’s chest. “Yeah,” he said, the sound muffled by the fabric of Lucas’s T-shirt. “Let’s go home.”

It only took a few minutes to pack up all of Lucas’s things and load them into the car. If Declan got his way, Lucas would never be leaving again. He steered the car out onto the highway and back toward Hope Cove.

D
ECLAN
WAS
supposed to check in with Mack when he arrived back from Bangor. He couldn’t bring himself to go into the station, though. Instead, he dialed Mack’s cell number and waited for his boss to answer.

“Hello?” Mack shouted over the very loud, very insistent crying.

“Hey Mack,” Declan shouted back. “Just wanted to let you know I’m back in Hope Cove. Mostly everything went well at the DA’s office, but I can fill you in on all that when you’re not busy.”