Who We Are (32 page)

              Desire stepped back from Papa and went over to the stove to make a big pot of coffee and warm some biscuits. When she opened the oven door, she saw her roast vegetables and beef still in there. She removed these and set them aside, making room for the biscuits. Once warmed, she placed them on a tray with jam. She put fresh coffee and oversize mugs on the tray and carried it out to the porch then she returned to the kitchen, reached for Papa’s hand and led him outside. He followed her like a lost puppy and sat down on one of the wooden chairs. She poured him his coffee, dressed the biscuits and instructed him to eat and drink.

              She watched him as he drank his coffee and nibbled one biscuit. When he was done, he thanked her and told her he needed to go to the Clinic to start making funeral arrangements. He didn’t shave or change his clothes. Desire watched him walk resolutely along the path that led away from the house until he was out of sight.

              Desire carried the tray back into the kitchen and almost dropped it when she noticed the huge blood stain between the table and the counter. There was so much blood. She closed her eyes and remembered Mama’s last words to her: “
It was you who filled my heart with love for the first and only time in my life.”

              She placed the tray on the counter and went to fetch a pail of water and poured in some bleach. She got to her knees and scrubbed the floor feverishly trying to remove the blood. She poured all of her pent-up anger into scrubbing that spot: Anger at the life that had been ripped from her and Aedan; anger at the life of horror and nightmares that mama had lived; anger at Nathaniel for assaulting her; anger that she would never again be who she once was. Finally she had scrubbed all the blood off the floor, but it still stained her mind’s eye, and her heart.

              She dumped out the water and washed the bucket. She washed the dishes and put the tray away. Then she went upstairs into Mama and Papa’s bedroom. It had a double bed, a wardrobe and a bathroom at the far end. She wondered if Mama would have hidden anything in her room. She started to look for loose floorboards, but didn’t find any.
Desire feared that all the answers she needed had died last night with Mama.

              She went back into her room and decided to dress for the day. She chose a black skirt, white blouse and black sweater. She tied her hair back in a bun. Given the circumstances, she knew this would be considered the appropriate attire for a grieving child.

              As she was about to leave her room, she remembered the notebook she had swiped from Papa’s desk. She dug her skirt out of her laundry hamper and pulled the book out of her pocket. When she opened it, she was astonished at what she saw. The pages were filled with gibberish. There was one whole page filled with lines that said
Papa goes to work and then comes home.
There were many other pages like this, statements repeated over and over. She stuffed that notebook between her mattresses and went downstairs. The notebook entries were perplexing, but not astonishing. Her capacity to be surprised or shocked had diminished to almost nothing. In fact, she was beginning to expect the unexpected in this crazy place.

              Not exactly sure what to do next, she poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table. She supposed she should wait until Papa returned, not sure whether she should go to church without him. She decided to stay at home and wait for him to return. She wasn’t in the mood to face anyone right now. Desire just sat there and enjoyed the silence around her. There was so much noise in her head right now that sitting in silence all alone was actually comforting.

              Her solace was short lived as she heard the front door open and in walked Papa. He looked different to her. He was clean shaven and in a fresh suit. His red and puffy eyes were gone as was the grief she had seen in his eyes.

              “Desire, you look lovely and I am sure your Mama would feel very proud of you.” He grabbed a cup off the counter and poured himself some coffee. As he did so, he noticed the floor between the cupboards and table.

              “Oh good. You cleaned up that nasty stain on the floor. Thank you, darling.”

              He sat down beside her and took a couple of sips of his coffee. “Desire, I know this will be a difficult time for you, but it is important for you to realize that you are the woman of the house now. Once the appropriate period of grieving has taken place, I am sure I will find a new wife and mother to care for us and this house. In the meantime, I will expedite my search for a suitable husband for you. But today we have a difficult task ahead of us. After the funeral, which will take the place of church today, we will go to the hall where the other ladies will prepare a small reception to honour your mother.” He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead before getting up and going upstairs.

              She sat there in a little bit of disbelief. So that is how quick it happened. Did he go to the Clinic to arrange the funeral or did They give Papa some sort of treatment to program this cold response to mama’s death?

              She quickly recognized that the answer to this question was really inconsequential. She needed to focus on getting through the next few days in hopes of this week ending with a successful escape from this bizarre place.

Chapter Twenty Six

              The funeral service was a bit of a blur for Desire, not because she was overcome with emotion, but more so because she was on alert. Looking around the church, she tried to read people’s reactions to Mama’s death and, for the most part, there seemed to be genuine grief from the community members. Papa sat beside her at the front of the church, very stiff and proper. She turned back to see Johnny. He nodded slightly to her and she turned back around. It was like she was seeing the inside of the church for the very first time today.

              Aside from the rows of pews where everyone sat, nothing else about this building actually resembled a church. The altar was really more like a stage instead of a true place of worship. She remembered St. Patrick’s Church, where she and her real family had attended church twice a week for as long as she could remember.

              The great room felt dark and foreboding, but truthfully it was hard to say if that was a result of what she now knew, or if it was because of the fact that they were attending a funeral service. She paid no attention to what the Minister said as she busied herself with drinking in her surroundings. There was no eulogy for Mama and after a very short service the church members were dismissed and asked to proceed to the celebration hall for a brief reception after which all community members were expected to stay in their homes for the afternoon to grieve the loss of Faith Winthrop and celebrate the lives that they were blessed to continue to live. It took all of Desire’s will power not to burst out laughing at this statement.

             
Yes, we shall all mourn the loss of our sister in the community and praise the gift of our lives. After all, we all get to live an extra six days in hell before we are turned into dust and spread among the dirt as though we never existed. Give praise.

             
In a sense, Mama had been lucky. She died unexpectedly and, for the most part, peacefully. Desire thought about this for a moment. She knew she was going to die alone in the hall, a nobody surrounded by people who were ultimately strangers to her and at the hands of people who treated her like a lab rat, who had abused her every chance they got. But instead, she died in her home in the arms of the one person who had filled her heart with love.

              Desire smiled as she thought of this and began to cry. Peculiar as it was, Sarah Jane Martin’s dream came true at the time of her death. She died with someone who really did love and need her. Her death was not at the hands of someone else who was controlling her. There may have been pain at the end, but there was no torture or violence. She died peacefully in the embrace of someone she loved and had finally filled her heart with joy.

              Before she left the church she approached the altar where Sarah Jane lay. Silently she said the Lord’s Prayer in her head and asked God to give her a special place in Heaven. She went over to the casket and kissed Mama on the forward and whispered in her ear. “I love you.”

              She turned around to see Papa waiting for her. He put out his hand and they exited the church first with all the community members watching them exit.

              The reception at the hall following the ceremony was pretty unremarkable. Most of the ladies were tearful because Mama had been their leader of sorts. The men shook Papa’s hand and gave him their condolences. Desire watched all of this and played the part of the dutiful daughter staying by her father’s side, shaking the hands of the men and accepting hugs from the women. Most would just look at her and say things like, “What a shame to lose your mother at such a young age” or “Take good care of your father”.

              After everyone had paid their condolences, Desire saw Johnny approaching her and Papa. She smiled under tears as he approached and he looked sincerely solemn. He shook Papa’s hand and expressed how sorry he was for the loss of such a wonderful woman. He turned to Desire and took her hand and expressed his sorrow for my loss.

              “Mr. Winthrop, with all due respect, I would like to request your permission to escort Desire on a walk. I realize this is a personal and trying time for your family time, but I thought perhaps some fresh air and sunshine might do her some good at this time.”

              Papa looked at him for a moment with no discernable emotion on his face, then he softened a little. “I know my wife thought very highly of you and how respectfully you treated Desire. You are just like family to us now. I suppose some fresh air will do my daughter good. Have her back by dinner time. I am sure our kitchen will be filled with casseroles and baked goods from the community women so she will be off the hook from cooking dinner for a while. I will stay here for a while longer and then may go home to rest a bit.” With that, he sent them along.

              As they walked out of the hall side by side, they passed by Nathaniel. Despite the threats Desire had uttered to him in the Staple Store the day before, he did not look the least bit worried. In fact, there appeared to be venom in his eyes as he watched them leave together. Desire turned back to look at him and with his hand he pointed to her and then pointed to himself and his face twisted up in a sneer. She turned quickly around and grabbed Johnny’s hand so tight he winced a little and look at her. He looked back at Nathaniel who was still sneering at Desire. Desire watched Johnny turn red from anger in a split second. Johnny turned around and started walking toward him.

              Desire quickly followed Johnny and as he got within arm’s length of Nathaniel she stepped in front of him and grabbed Nathaniel’s hand in a “friendly” handshake. Although the bile was rising in her throat from the sheer disgust of touching him, she spoke to him loudly enough for others around to hear and turn their heads. “Thank you, Nathaniel, for your condolence in the loss of my dear mother. My Papa and I are thankful to everyone for their support.” She choked on some tears and continued. “My father and I will be seeking solace in our time of grief. Thank you for respecting that.”

              With that, she faked a small smile and took Johnny’s hand and headed in the opposite direction. Her actions not only surprised Johnny, but it gave him just enough time to realize that his need to pound Nathaniel into a pulp was not worth the risk that this action might foil their escape plans. He looked back at Nathaniel with hate in his eyes. He didn’t know how, but he knew that before they left this awful place, he would make Nathaniel pay for what he did to his sweet Darby. The visions of that day in the forest still haunted him at night.

              Johnny and Desire walked in silence for a while then found themselves in the park in the middle of town. They sat down on the bench together. They sat close enough to talk quietly to each other, but not too close so as to raise suspicions if any members of the community passed by or if they were being watched.

              “Johnny, I am scared.”

              “Don’t be,” he whispered. “Although this is a sad event, it doesn’t change what we must do. And, in a way, this accident was probably a blessing, knowing now how things would end for her.”

              She nodded in agreement. They watched people milling about, heading back to their homes as instructed by the Minister. A few people looked her way with sympathetic looks in their eyes. They were hesitant to say too much in public so they sat there in silence for about half an hour.

              Desire finally turned to Johnny. “I guess I should go home. There is not much else for us to say or do right now. When will we see each other again?”

              “Don’t you worry. I will work it out. It is important for you to carry on with as much normalcy as possible. I have my work cut out for me. If what Mama said is true, there is a very real danger that once we enter the hall, we may not be able to get out. I will escort you home now and then head back to the hall under the guise of offering to tidy up. There are not really many reasons for me to go to the hall so I have to take advantage of today when I can put away tables and chairs and look about the storage and back rooms without raising suspicion.” She nodded and they walked together quickly.

When they approached her home, Mrs. Proctor saw them and she quickly bustled over. She had tears in her eyes and gave Desire a big hug. “Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how dreadful it must be to lose your Mama.” She hugged her for a moment longer and then insisted that she come over for tea and stay with her until her Papa returned.

              “That is very kind of you, Mrs. Proctor, but with all due respect, I feel exhausted and would like to lay down on my bed and rest. I also have to be sure to feed Papa because he will need his strength.”

              Mrs. Proctor looked at her with compassion. “Of course, dear. I understand, but don’t you fret about dinner. Most of the ladies are home right now baking and cooking so that you don’t have to worry about dinners for at least a week. This is your time to mourn and not to fuss about chores. If you like, leave your front door unlatched and I will direct the ladies inside to put the food in your icebox and cold cellar. Would that be alright?”

              She seemed very genuine and Desire nodded yes and thanked her. She also thanked Johnny and turned to walk into her house. When the door was closed behind her she sighed a very heavy sigh. She looked around her. Though nothing had really changed, at the same time
everything
had changed. This home, once a safe haven, now seemed like a prison cell. Keeping in mind that she was being watched, she took off her shoes at the front door looked around and headed upstairs.

              Once in her room, she felt safe. She went into her bathroom and drew a nice hot bath with lavender oil. The scent instantly reminded her of Mama and a few tears welled up in her eyes.

She slipped into the tub and closed her eyes. The lavender was soothing and slowed the buzzing in her head as she drifted off to sleep.

             
She was running through the forest desperate to get away from him. Although she was quick, her bulky skirt slowed her down. She could hear him not far behind. She was so deep into the forest, she had lost her way. She had no idea how to get out. She felt as if she was running in circles, but there was not enough distance between them to stop and get her bearings. She saw someone ahead of her and she ran in that direction. She looked back and saw that Nathaniel was not far behind her, eager to catch her. She couldn’t make out who it was ahead, but all she wanted to do was to get away from Nathaniel. As she got closer to the figure ahead, she saw that is was Aedan. This gave her the strength to run a little faster despite the fact that her legs began to tire.

              She wondered why he wasn’t also running to her. As he came into clear view, what she saw made her stop so suddenly that she tumbled forward, scraping the forest floor with her face. When she looked up she started to scream uncontrollably. Aedan was tied to a tree covered in blood. His head hung down toward his chest which had been ripped open violently with some sort of large knife, still sticking out of his abdomen. She screamed out his name in vain knowing that he was dead. Just as she was about to get up to run away, she felt his hand on her; Nathaniel had caught her. “You are all mine now, bitch, and trust me when I say I went lightly on you before.” He laughed wickedly. He seemed like a beast who had caught some prey. He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. She started to pound his back and screamed at the top of her lungs.

              “Wake up, dear, wake up!” Desire felt someone shaking her in the water. She sprung awake and sat forward in the tub. She sat there stunned for a moment until she regained her senses and realized she was only dreaming. She looked into the face of Mrs. Proctor.

              “Oh my dear, I was downstairs tucking the casseroles and baking away when I heard you screaming.” She scurried over to the hook and grabbed Desire’s robe. “Now step into this and don’t you worry, you don’t have anything I don’t have myself.”

              Desire obeyed and stood up in the tub and allowed Mrs. Proctor to wrap her in her robe.

              “Were you having a nightmare, dear?” She looked genuinely concerned.

              Not wanting to share the details of her dream, Desire looked up at her earnestly. “Well, I suppose I was, but I cannot remember what is was about. I am so sorry that I worried you.”

              Mrs. Proctor sighed. “Well it’s no surprise that bad dreams are haunting you after such a dreadful loss. You lay down and rest, dear, and I will warm a casserole for you and your Papa. You need to get your rest. We can have tea tomorrow, if you like.”

Desire nodded in agreement and Mrs. Proctor wentback downstairs. Desire remembered her nightmare vividly and she shuddered at the flashback of her Aedan slain and tied to a tree. She crawled under the covers anxious for a dreamless sleep.

Chapter Twenty Seven

Johnny made his way back to the Hall hoping for noticeable tasks he could do so that he could actually perform his inspection of the premises. He needed to find a viable and discreet way out of the building. When he arrived, he felt relieved to see that no one had put away the tables and chairs yet. If he took his time, he could probably spend an hour there.  Only a handful of people remained at the Hall. Papa was one them. Papa looked at him inquisitively when he entered the Hall.