Who Moved My Blackberry? (23 page)

To:
Jenny Withers

I've got a wicked little secret that you don't know about. Would you like to know it?

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens, can you help me here? You have ignored me since I got back from India, and now you send me a message saying “not particularly”? Not particularly what??

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Martin Lukes

Liar, wanker, plonker

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

JAKE DID YOU JUST SEND ME A MESSAGE FROM MY BLACKBERRY?? FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE IF YOU DID.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Systems

Can you disable my BlackBerry now??? Urgent.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

DISASTER … JAKE'S GOT MY BLACKBERRY … HELP!!!!

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Some individuals have been receiving bogus messages apparently from myself sent on my BlackBerry handheld device, which was stolen this morning. The thief has gained access to the security code and has been sending prankster e-mails. If you receive any such messages please ignore. I apologize for any confusion caused.

Martin Lukes

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

JAKE—I AM BEYOND FURY—SUGGEST YOU DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COME HOME UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO UNDERGO A ROOT AND BRANCH PERSONAL REBRANDING. I HAVE ALERTED EVERYONE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK TO IGNORE ANY “JOKE” MESSAGES FROM YOU SO THERE IS NO POINT IN SENDING ANY FURTHER. SHOULD YOU DO SO, HOWEVER, I SHALL CONSIDER THIS TO BE FRAUD AND ALERT THE POLICE.

DAD

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Martin Lukes

Wow … I'm like so scared. Not. Though you should be, coz I'm just about to forward an interesting message out of your in box to mum … something about pinky? Sounds a bit fishy to me, dad … J

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Systems

I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF YOU ARE SHORT STAFFED TODAY. DISABLE MY BLACKBERRY NOW.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Here's a message from someone called “pinky” sent to someone called “perky.” I think you might find it interesting.

Forwarded by Martin Lukes

Fishy, huh?

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling. This isn't what you think. We need to talk now. M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Thelma—something has come up. I need to go home for a bit. Can you cancel the Bangalore masterclass?

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Catastrophe—I've just been chucked out by the ladywife. Can I bunk down with you for a bit?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling … Please, can we just talk about it? I can really explain everything. Please. I'm sorry.

Love you

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Not even for one night??? What's Lynne got against me?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora. Something really terrible has happened. I would rather not discuss on e-mail. Can I come and see you?

Martin

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Pinky darling—Jens has kicked me out. I'll bring my stuff round to you tonight as an interim arrangement, and then we can see how things go. Perky xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Of course I love you and want to marry you, you know that. I just didn't want it to happen like this. Please give me a break. This is the worst day of my life.

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

Sorry it took a while for me to get back to you. I'm so in demand at the moment!

I'm afraid the Executive Bronze Program is only e-mail, so it would be irresponsible of me, under the terms of the contract, to allow personal visits. But please e-mail me the issues, and I, as your greatest fan, will help you be better than your best!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora

Yes I know Executive Bronze is only e-mail, but I thought you might have made an exception for an emergency.

Long story short? Basically I have been going on seeing Keri on an occasional basis. I feel she has been very helpful with New Me. It has been a good arrangement, with no one getting hurt.

Unfortunately my son Jake has issues with myself at present, has got hold of my BlackBerry and forwarded one of Keri's messages to Jens—who has totally flipped and chucked me out.

Obviously this is not what I need. I need to have the whole family behind me at the moment …

I'm moving in with Keri for now, but as I said, not ideal.

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

You may feel pain now, because whenever you violate your core values the result is pain. I also sense a lot of confusion in your account—I think you are losing sight of your goals. It would do you a lot of good right now to do a GROW model.

It is time to revisit your core values, Martin. Say them out loud to yourself. Ask youself: which values have I violated? And how do I repair and renew?

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Frankly, Pandora, I don't give a shit about my values right now. If you had ANY IDEA how bad I'm feeling right now you would not have dared suggest I do a FUCKING GROW model. My whole life is crashing around my ears. I am not in the mood for any of your other quick fixes.

I am going to see my mother (who is my genuine greatest fan), and I'm going to get some work done.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dear Mummy

Can I come and see you on Saturday morning?

Love Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dear Mummy

You ask if anything is up. I was going to wait until I saw you, but maybe I should tell you now. I know you never thought Jens was right for me, and maybe you were right. The bottom line is that she has chucked me out.

There is someone else, mum. I think you'd like her. She's very down to earth, calls a spade a spade. She's not the brightest cookie on the beach, but she's very intuitive and has been very good for me. She's called Keri and she's 29 and a New Zealander. Started to train as a physio, so she's very caring. But it's all too soon for me to get serious, especially as the situation with Jens is all rather up in the air. I need to talk to Jens about it, but she's being totally unreasonable—listening is not a strong point of hers, to put it mildly!!

Much love

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dear Mum, yes of course I'm thinking about the boys. But Max is at Eton, and Jake has basically done something that I find hard to forgive. And don't forget, this wasn't my choice. I'm not leaving. I've been chucked out. I had hoped you'd see this from my point of view …

See you tomorrow

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Sure! Let's talk 11am your time … Sounds exciting!

Bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

I just wanted to say again how incredibly excited I am about your offer. I feel this is just the right opening for me—and hopefully for yourself, as well. Truly win-win!

I love this company as much as you do. I am thrilled at this opportunity to serve it in a more pivotal role. I will send you soonest a memo detailing what should be front of mind for me as your chief of staff.

You mentioned relocation of my wife and children. I just wanted to flag up at this stage that my domestic situation is a bit fluid. So I am not sure that the whole family will be coming with me.

All my very bestest

Martin

PS Give my best to the lovely Janine.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Sorry darling, going to be back late tonight. Got an important memo to write to Barry. Something vv exciting has happened. Will tell you later.

M x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens

I know you said no messages. But I've got such BRILLIANT news, it puts our difficulties into perspective. I'm going to Atlanta as BSM's Chief of Staff!! This is my DREAM JOB—it's got power, it's got profile AND it's going to be intellectually stimulating … I've been catapulted into the hot seat right in the heart of the control room!

But this isn't just win-win for me—if you approach this with a more positive headset it'd be great for you and the boys too. I'd be well placed to get you whatever job you fancy—within reason! Lunch today to discuss? Or I could come round to my own home this evening?

Love you

M xxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Did you get my message? What do you think?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Would a reply be too much to ask for?

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff

Howdy!

I am today announcing some exciting changes to our corporate structure that will position us ahead of the curve in our goal of Phenomenal Performance—Permanently! To support my leadership platform and facilitate execution of new policy initiatives I shall be establishing an Office of the Chairman in Atlanta. The office will be headed up by Martin Lukes, currently Marketing Director of a-b glöbâl UK.

To those of you who do not know Martin, he has an unrivaled track record in creovation. He has a results-driven headset and a very British sense of humor! I know he is going to be a genius in his new role, and a best-in-class addition to our top team!

I love you all

Barry

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

I wondered if we could be a little creovative™ about this module of the program and focus on money? I'd like your take on how to maximize my package. On merit grounds alone, I should be paid more than anyone in the UK, and more than Keith. And given my present domestic situation (don't ask!!) I may be running two homes … which is obviously going to cost me an arm and a leg.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

Sure! I have no problem coaching you on wealth! It is something I have helped literally thousands of coachees on in the past, with phenomenal success!

The first step is to understand true wealth isn't about money. It is about the joy you feel seeing the face of a laughing child. Or the beauty of a turquiose ocean.

But money can be an aspect of wealth—and that is what we are going to work on now. Martin, this month I am going to help you develop the millionaire's mind-set. Already in your mind, you have a collection of beliefs and emotions around money. We need to look at these before we can start increasing your wealth. Ask yourself: what does money mean to me? What would having more money give me that I don't already have?

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

PS Given your new responsibilities, now would be a great time to upgrade to the Executive Gold or Executive Platinum Coaching Program. Not only would this be more in keeping with your status, it would free up more of my time to help you be even better than your best!