Who Moved My Blackberry? (18 page)

To:
All Staff

I would like to document the proceedings of today's meeting for those staff members unable to attend.

We have discovered that the discrepancies in ABC rankings were as a result of statistical errors inputting data carried out by junior members of the team. There will be no further investigations into this matter.

Members of staff with incorrect grades will receive notification by the end of the week.

Roger Wright

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

I don't fucking believe it … I've just come clean to the ladywife (actually, not 110 percent clean as I said it was just a couple of flirtatious e-mails, and I had only kissed her once). Jens went nuclear, and I've split with Keri. And all for nothing—Great reward for honesty. If I am now downgraded to a B, I'm going to kill myself.

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri

Can you go through my schedule for next week, and get me a large latte. And please don't look like that. This is very hard for myself too.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Jesus Christ! I would have forgotten altogether … Thanks for reminding me! Catastrophe averted!!

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—Don't think for a minute I had forgotten your birthday! What do you want? Would really like to push the boat out for you a bit this year. M XX

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Bettina Schmidt

Hi Bettina!

Well what did I tell you? I'm delighted that you've been upped to a B! So you won't be leaving us after all! No one could be gladder than myself!

I told you that the SARAH cycle ended in Hope, and I wasn't wrong, was I?

Best, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Listen darling. I know you're a tiny bit cross with me and my brief silliness over Keri, so I've got you something lovely for your birthday—a luxury weekend to Champneys!! All the treatments … shiatsu, massage, facials, pedicures, you name it. You deserve the break, and I'll take the boys. I'd like to have a bit of quality time with them …

Hope you really enjoy it and destress a bit! It will show you that there's more to life than work …

Love you, M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling, that's great, well done! Did you get the letter just now? I must say I'm not at all surprised. I was sure you'd be an A—apart from anything it looks bad if none of the top women are A's. And I was sure Keith would look after you!

M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

I'm feeling thirsty all of a sudden. Drink?

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff

Howdy! Project ABC has been an astounding success! I am humbled by the hundreds of grateful e-mails I have received from Cs thanking me and telling me how they have been empowered to go forward and use their talents!

At a-b glöbâl we have passion for integrity. A passion for driving performance. But the greatest of all is a passion for the communities we live in.

We will never achieve Phenomenal Performance Permanently unless we think of our corporate heart, and of what we are giving back.

Everywhere I go within this company I meet co-leaders who say: what can I do to contribute? And we have decided our value added lies with the global under-16 community. Kids in every geography are our seed corn. They are our future. I have tasked Cindy Czarnikow in Atlanta and Jenny Withers in London with heading up the Project.

I love you all

Barry

From:
Jenny Withers

To:
All Staff

Hi everyone

As you will have read from our CEO's memo, this week sees the launch of Project Global Seed Corn—our way of giving back to children globally. This is a phenomenally exciting initiative that will enable us to achieve our goal of sustainable triple bottom-line growth. This week I am asking every department to come up with ways of improving the lives of children, not in a one-time way, but as part of a long-term relationship that will grow the seed corn!

Jenny Withers

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling! That was brilliant. Your e-mail sounded really professional, very can-do, as well as a cri de coeur. Well done, you.

I'll make sure my team does its bit! Will be home by 7 at the latest.

M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Katherine Lukes

Hi Katherine

I think you'll be pretty surprised to get this e-mail. It's been a long time.

Look, I'm not going to beat about the bush—basically, I thought it was time we met up. I think there are issues that you, and for all I know myself too, need closure on. I occasionally hear your news from mum who, btw, was a bit miffed that you didn't help more with the knee op, which I stumped up the dosh for so that she wouldn't have to wait.

Anyway I'd be very happy to buy you lunch or a drink or something in the foreseeable—it'd be good to catch up!

Best

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

This is going to have to be a quick report back on the month, as I am trying to get home on time. Basically I think you should be very pleased with me. I have contacted my sister, and have taken the courageous option and told Jens about my brief flirtation with Keri. Now I'm being the model supportive husband. I also plan to get my team to do something to support deprived local kids …

22.5 percent better than my very bestest

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin—

Well done! You have done the really difficult thing! You have told your wife, and are working to heal the damage. Hang on to that view of your wife in the crematorium—ashen faced. Integrity is one of the values that makes you an A. You are fighting for your integrity, and that it is a hard thing to do.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

I can't bear this. It's too painful, especially in the hot weather. The corporal really misses his private. I'm sure we can carry on if we are really, really careful. Fire escape in five mins?

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Dearest Pinky … do you want me to beg? Look, tell you what. J is away for her de-stress weekend at Champneys. I'm meant to have the boys, but I can always bribe Svetlana to take them. Paris, maybe?

Porky Perky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Dearest sweetest sexiest loveliest Kinky Pinky

Thank you for the best night ever. Ever since I got home I've been pottering around the house singing the Hot Chocolate song that so reminds me of my pink: “You Sexy Thing.” Max has told me to shut up—no respect at all. Trust Eton will see to that.

Must go now, as Jens is due back from Champneys any minute. Just wanted to say you mustn't worry about the future. We will be together one day. Porky promise.

Lots of kisses

Xxxx

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Dear Pinky

It's 1am. Jens has just gone off to bed, stress levels not much helped by £700 of healing, palmistry, graphology, herbal medicine etc … It really pisses me off that she isn't more grateful seeing as she only gave me an orange squeezer for my b'day.

She went nuclear at me for not unloading the diswasher and at Max for leaving his cereal bowl on the table. She's still very angry about you—keeps making snarky remarks about “la Tartt.”

Pinky, don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I've decided it'd be better for all and sundry if you stopped being my PA. It'd get Jens off my case, and would make it easier for us to carry on.

The best thing would be for you to work for Graham. His PA, Denise is on the verge of dropping her sproglet, and as he's in the loop re us, it'll make it easier. Bed now. I need my beauty sleep.

Love you

Porky

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Pinky, I understand you're upset, but you really mustn't ring on my mobile—it's far too dangerous.

And I take exception to you saying I'm henpecked. It's so far off base that I'm not even going to waste words defending myself. OK, I know you don't like me going on and on about Jens all the time, but I do have to live with her, and I think you should be a bit more understanding of that.

I also think you should adopt a more positive headset towards working for Graham. I know it's a demotion for you working for a B rather than an A. But at least those lazy idiots in sales don't know the meaning of hard work, so you'll have more spare time to do little things for me—and the corporal.

Bed now. See you tomorrow.

Perky xxx

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

This month we are going to focus in on balance. Like many of my coachees, you put your heart, your soul and your brain into your work. But are you going to turn around one day and wish you had put more into the rest of your life?

I am forwarding to you the StressBusta! RU Balanced? ™ test, which I would like you to do today.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Faith Preston

Hi Faith

Re your suggestion of Thelma Dowd as my new pa—she clearly has the right experience quotient, but does she have the energy profile? We're a very fast-paced team in marketing, and I wonder if she'd keep up.

Bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Graham—Have you seen the interview with Barry in Fortune? He talks such a load of crap sometimes. Makes me wish I worked for a British company. That journalist had her tongue right up his arse.

Btw have you spoken to Faith about Keri? I hope you're very grateful. You get a gorgeous 29 year old New Zealand physiotherapist. I'm getting Thelma Dowd—fat, 55. Can't wait.

Drink later?

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Apologies for not touching base earlier—I just wanted to put on record how much I enjoyed the article in Fortune. In my experience, journalists usually get everything wrong—but this Janine Rosenholz sounds one smart cookie!

I also wanted to say what incredibly good sense your tips made to me. I hope you won't be offended if I suggest a 6th tip—Play Golf! I've thought deeply about this, and concluded that golf isn't just a game—it's a whole philosophy of life. As Jack Welch once told me, golf is about two things—people and competition—which is the same as being a CEO!

My bestest, and once again, congratulations on an excellent article! Martin Lukes

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Delighted you buy into my golf idea! And yes, I'd be honored to come and play at Augusta!

My handicap's 15—would be lower if I took my own advice and played a bit more. But what with the pressures of work and family, we none of us get to play as much as we would like!!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Eat yr heart out Graham—BSM has asked me to go and play in the US company tournament at Augusta!! M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—BSM has just asked me to go play golf in Augusta in two weeks. I hope you don't mind—it'll mean cutting our holiday short by a couple of days, but Florida is quite close …

Love you, M XXX

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens darling. I know we've got our pact on spending more time together as a family—I'm 120 percent committed to that … But please understand, this is a massive big deal for me. M x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

I've finally done the test and sent it off. It was very long, and I'm not sure how relevant some of the questions were. Actually I'm not feeling at all stressed at the moment. Energized would be a better word. Very bizarrely I think the person who is having more difficulty with stress levels and balance is Jens, who keeps taking on additional responsibilities, and has recently been put in charge of work/life balance for the UK company.