Who Moved My Blackberry? (19 page)

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Hi Thelma—

Welcome to the marketing family! I think Keri has left you a list of tasks so that you can hit the ground running. As you see, we're a very young department—until now I've been the oldest by a wide margin, so I'm grateful to you for raising the average! A latte would be nice, if you're popping out later.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Quite possibly they did brew up their own Nescafe in finance. But here in marketing we go for authenticity—so it's Starbucks lattes for us! Strictly speaking it may not be your job to get me coffee, but I always discourage my team from following the rule book. Don't worry, you'll get used to us in time!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Keri—how are you finding sales? Assume you're sitting there twiddling your thumbs. Can I ask a tiny favor? Don't dare ask Thelma … could you cash in my return air ticket from Orlando, for a ticket that stops off in Augusta?

My golf kit is also in need of upgrading … Basically what I need is a Callaway ERC II driver, some Callaway Hawkeye irons and the new Odyssey broom handle putter. Two-tone Footjoys size 10½. Some Hugo Boss golf-range shirts (size M) would be nice if you can find anything on special. Can you see if the UK sites can deliver them in two days, or buy from a US site, and get them delivered to my hotel?

Ta muchly M

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin—Challenging news, I'm afraid. I've just got back the feedback from your StressBusta! tests showing your stress levels are dangerously high.

Before I feedback the results to you, I should say that I am not surprised. This sort of result is not unusual for my high flying coachees.

People who score in this range cannot typically control and recognize their feelings or act on them appropriately. They can become bitter, angry and resentful.

Don't worry, Martin. There is hope!! You can decrease your level of burnout by rebalancing your life and following these tips.

1. Read books—try the classics—they're great!
   

2. Spend time loving your spouse.
   

3. Banish all negative thoughts.
   

4. Laugh!
   

5. Practice a random act of kindness every day.
   

6. Slow down! Martin, you are a speed junky. Take some deep breaths. Relax!
   

Let's start with some easy wins. I want you to keep a stress diary. Recognizing your big stressors is the best way to overcome them. I also suggest you buy 200 Bio Dots. These are stick on spots (you can buy them from us at CoachworX!.co.uk) that change color to record your stress levels.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Where are all the papers that were on my desk? I'd appreciate it if you didn't move things around. Also why have you put all these internal meetings in my calendar? My strategy is never to commit to any meetings unless I can see easy wins coming out of it.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

STRESS DIARY Day 1

Woke up to find that Svetlana had drunk the entire carton of blueberry and banana smoothies that I had bought to reduce stress. Comforted myself with the thought that she is sodding off back to Russia next week. Stress levels high. Got into work. Thelma starts talking to me about the weather.

The dot is dark purple, which is ominous.

Martin

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

I'm meant to be getting home at 7 this week as part of a new work/life balance jag that Pandora has me on … but if we're very fast, I think we could squeeze in a quick one. After all, now that you are not my PA you count as “life” not “work”!

See you fire escape half an hour?? P xxx

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Oh dear … that made my bio dot go black—which is the highest stress you can have before you die! P xxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

I've just watched Thelma eating the large ham sandwich that she brings in every day. She opens her mouth very wide and leaves a rim of red lipstick on the white bread. Urgh. How are you getting on with Keri? Keeping your hands to yourself, I trust.

M

From:
Jenny Withers

To:
All Staff

I'm sure I don't need to remind you that this week is national Work/Life Balance Week! This year we are going to celebrate in style. Special features will include

• Breakfast at 7:00am on Tuesday with the UK's number one stress guru, Professor Gary Copper. He is going to tell us how stress is this country's biggest killer, and share with us his 101 hottest stress-busting tips.
  

• On Wednesday we are also going to repeat last year's enormously successful Go Home On Time Day. However, we plan to make it even better by rolling it out across all departments, and posting a blacklist of coworkers who do not leave on time!
  

• I am also delighted to say that we shall be offering all coworkers an online grocery service. This will remove one of life's great stressors by allowing you to shop from your desk (outside normal working hours, please!!). Anyone willing to road test the service plse message me or Faith!
  

Jenny

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—Would be delighted to do my bit for the WLB agenda … Why don't I share the platform with Copper and talk about my learnings … I think so often these things are women's ghettos, it would be refreshing to see a senior alpha male taking it seriously … Also count me in as a shopping guinea pig … what groceries do we need?

Best, Martin

From:
Roger Wright

To:
All Staff

I am pleased to inform all staff that a-b glöbâl (UK) has been short-listed for the British Telecom Work/Life Balance Award. On Tuesday we will have a team of judges from BT watching our work. For that day it is imperative that all staff arrive and leave promptly.

Roger Wright,
Acting Chairman

From:
Jenny Withers

To:
All Staff

Hi!

There are two minor amendments to our plans for this week. Gary Copper informs me that due to excessive work pressures next week he is not going to be able to make the breakfast. However Martin Lukes has kindly agreed to step in and talk to us about “Work/Life Balance—the holistic viewpoint.” I have also been informed that many of you have evening Team building workshops next week, and so will not be able to leave work on time. You will be exempted from leaving on time, and will NOT get black marks!

Cheers, Jenny

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—sorry can't do tonight … am working on my breakfast presentation for tomorrow.

Perky

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Faith Preston

Glad you enjoyed the talk!! As you know these are issues that are very close to my heart!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Help Desk

Can somebody come down NOW and help me get my computer linked up to this supermarket thing. The screen keeps freezing. Urgent.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Help Desk

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU MEAN—YOU'RE GOING HOME??? I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU Were THE HELP DESK. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S 5:30. I'M A DIRECTOR OF THIS COMPANY SO GET DOWN Here AT ONCE!!!!

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

For Godssakes, Jens, calm down! I've no idea why they've delivered 8 six-packs of Grand Marnier chocolate mousse—I only meant to buy one. The reason I ordered 6 packets of antifungal shower cream was that it was on special—three for two. And you should be delighted that I bought the Nutool cordless drill. You're always moaning that I never do any jobs around the house.

Sorry about forgetting your Cranks sunflower seed bread and the Olivio low fat spread.

Love you M xx

From:
Roger Wright

To:
All Staff

I'm delighted to say that a-b glöbâl (UK) is the gold medalist in the BT Work/Life Balance Day Award. The judges were impressed by our “passionate commitment to balancing work and life at every point along the value chain.”

Congratulations to all staff who facilitated the attainment of this prestigious award.

Additionally, Martin Lukes was runner-up in the Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance category. The judges found his approach an “original contribution towards a wider understand of where WLB fits into a global HR footprint.”

Roger Wright
Acting Chairman

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Fantastic news—yours truly has won an individual WLB award! Will supply details later, but thought you'd appreciate a heads-up.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

PS Will do the stress diary when time permits.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

I just wanted to say a sincere “thank you” to everyone who has congratulated me on my award. In many ways, I am uncomfortable at being singled out for an individual award. I feel that it was very much a team effort, and so I'd like to thank my team for the fantastic backup they've given me. And I'd like to thank my ladywife, Jens, who, as well as masterminding our brilliant WLB day, is the “balance” in my life!

All my very bestest

Martin Lukes

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Oh for Godssakes! What is wrong with the term “ladywife”??? I just can't get it right, can I? If I mention you, you get cross, but if I didn't you'd be even crosser. It would have been nice if you had congratulated me on my award …

I've got lots of stuff to sort before we go. Would you mind taking my Paul Smith chinos to the dry cleaners, and going to the bookshop to pick me out a couple of the classics. Pandora has prescribed it as beach reading.

Martin x

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Hi Thelma—There is no need to keep sharpening my pencils nor to tidy my pens. I'm more creovative™ when the arrangement of my stationery is spontaneous.

Martin

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

My dearest slinky pinky

I've bought you a necklace. Pandora says I must practice a random act of kindness every day.

P xx

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Silly Pinky, of course it wasn't random … I didn't mean like that! And yes, I did put it on my credit card, but don't worry, Jens is far too busy with her midlife crisis and with her Professional/Personal Integration to be going through my things … though now I think of it, I think the receipt may be in my trouser pocket.

P xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Lukes

Darling—forget about the dry cleaning! In my new role as work/life balance supremo, I'll do it myself!!

Love you

M

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Katherine Lukes

Hi Katherine

Great to get your e-mail! If I am 110 percent honest I had given up hope of hearing from you. Still—better late than never!

Glad to hear that life is treating you well. Sounds like being a social worker suits you down to the ground! You don't say what's happening to you relationship-wise. It's been years since you split with Geoff?/Gregg? … what's been happening since then?

You suggest I come down to meet you in Brighton. Unfortunately I'm a tad tied up before we go on hols (we're off wakeboarding in Florida!)—so let's be in touch again in September.

Bestest
Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Katherine Lukes

I see!! When you mentioned your friend Fiona, I didn't realize she was that sort of “friend”! I don't know why you thought I'd react badly … I'm very open-minded about these things. Maybe you and Fiona would both like to come up to London for a drink when were back from hols.