Who Are You? (11 page)

‘Just think, they must have to do hundreds. I saw a programme on Liberty’s and these poor women had to do about two hundred in one night. Just imagine. I didn’t work it out but they must do them terribly quickly.’

‘Really, Geraldine? If anyone wants to leave me to it, honestly, I’d be perfectly happy,’ Juliet smiles through gritted teeth.

‘No, no, we’ll all muck in. So much nicer if we all do it, don’t you think? And we must all share the work, Juliet. Otherwise it’s not fair on you.’

After another ten minutes of subversive behaviour from her willing helpers, Juliet stands back to look at the damage. Yep, it looks truly awful. ‘Wonderful,’ she says. ‘Well done everyone. Just
soooo
pretty.’

‘There you are, dear. I told you it would be best if we all did it.’

‘Thank you, Geraldine. Now, surely it must be time for a drink!’

*    *    *    *    *

Ben comes leaping onto their bed squeaking with excitement. Alex always had a shooting stocking as a child, and every year argues that is precisely what should suffice, but the contents of Ben’s stocking require something larger. Geraldine is a particularly fine needlewoman and so Juliet commissioned her to make a special giant-sized stocking, a red background
appliquéd
with a large white ‘B’. Ben is lugging his personal stocking. ‘Look, Mummy … look, Daddy, Santa came to see me. I must have been a good boy. Look …’

‘What did I tell you?’ Juliet says.

‘’member when we got stuck in one of those big car parks, Mummy, and you used the F-word a lot, and then the man came and it was all right? I was thinking, what if Rudolph got stuck in the car park. Cos do you ’member, Mummy, that’s where you said Santa parked it when we went to see him at ’fridges …?’

Juliet interrupts the monologue: ‘Let’s see what Santa brought you, darling.’

‘Gloves. Look they’ve got little flaps that go over my fingers and a tiger …
roawrr
…’ Ben delves further in and pulls out a pair of stripy socks which he throws onto the bed with barely a look. Next there’s a torch with different colours which he flashes into Alex’s eyes, and Alex says: ‘For Christ’s sake, Ben, do you want to blind me!’ As he gets deeper in, he barely glances at each gift, before casting it onto the bed and reaching for the next item. There’s a set of crayons, and pencils with Ben Miller written on them, and then near the bottom is a DVD. There’s also a small book on knots and another on bird identification. Juliet wants him to notice the other book, the one that’s personalized and has Ben himself going on all sorts of adventures, but he doesn’t notice, he wants to get to the bottom. Finally he reaches the satsuma in the toe of the stocking.

‘Goodness me, what a lovely stocking Santa has left for you. Shall we put it all back in now, and you can play with it later? And come here, darling …’ Juliet pulls Benjamin in close and gives him a surreptitious sniff. ‘Well done, sweetie. You managed not to wet the bed. Clever boy.’

‘Probably because he hardly went to sleep, waiting for Santa to come.’

‘You were very excited, weren’t you? And we’re going to have a lovely day with Daddy and Granny, and I’ll tell you something else, young man. I won’t even make you eat Granny’s Brussels sprouts just this once.’

‘Eeeugh. Sprouts are yukky.’

‘You ought to eat them. They’re good for you.’

‘Oh shush, Alex, it’s Christmas Day. Shall we get you dressed, young man, and then we can take Granny a cup of tea?’

‘Going to see Granny and show her my stocking.’

‘Knock first, and wait ’til she tells you to go in.’

‘’K Mummy.’

After Ben leaves the bedroom, Alex reaches for Juliet’s hand.

‘Come back to bed. Just a few more minutes before all hell breaks loose.’

She tries to pull her hand away but Alex’s grip tightens. ‘I’ve got loads to do. I’ve got to get up.’ She tries to pull away once more. ‘Alex, let me go.’

‘Juliet, I said come back to bed.’

‘Alex, I don’t want to, OK?’

‘Still sulking, are we?’

‘Sulking? It doesn’t exactly make me feel good to know what you did to Caroline Hunt. Don’t you get it, Alex? It’s just not normal behaviour. It’s not what normal husbands do. I’m hurt and I’m angry with you.’

‘But it didn’t mean anything, you silly thing. I was teaching them both a lesson, don’t you get it? He stuck his hand up your skirt, and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. They’re a dangerous pair and I doubt they’ll be quite so cavalier with everyone else’s marriages in the future.’

‘Alex, you’re amazing the way you can twist something like that and make it like you’re doing the world a great big favour. Don’t you see what’s going to happen? She’ll probably say that you attacked her, that you were going to rape her. Hasn’t that occurred to you? Don’t you worry that we might end up with no friends here? You know this is all I wanted, all I’ve waited for. And I just think it’s really vile of you to try and fuck it all up.’

‘Hey … that’s enough.’ Alex’s voice has got a tell-tale hard edge to it. His grip on Juliet’s hand is so tight that it’s hurting.

‘Don’t speak to me like that. She won’t say any of those things because she’ll feel too damned humiliated. Believe me, I don’t think either of them will mention it, so don’t worry on that score. And I am
not
trying to fuck everything up. If anyone’s doing that, it’s you. Christ, have you any idea how cold and distant you’ve become? It’s like trying to get close to a fucking iceberg. All you’re interested in is Ben – Ben and your bloody computer. I come way, way down your list. Doesn’t it occur to you that I’ve come here because it’s what you wanted? Haven’t you thought through the fact that I’ve taken on a job which I loathe in order to give you and Ben the life you want here? For fuck’s sake, Juliet, you can be so damned selfish it’s unbelievable. Why can’t you just be a normal supportive wife for once and realize just how good life is for you, and what other people are doing for you?’

‘That’s so typical of you. Instead of admitting that the problem might perhaps lie with you, you throw it all back at me. Can’t you take a little bit of responsibility for what’s happening to us? Christ, Alex, you’re unbelievable. Look, for Ben’s sake let’s try and give him a nice day, shall we?’

‘There you go again. For Ben’s sake … Ben this and Ben bloody that. He’s all you care about.’

‘He’s my son, and your son too.’

‘Is he?’

‘Oh don’t start that one again.
Please
.’

‘Then shut up about Caroline Hunt.’

‘One’s real, one’s imaginary, as you well know.’

‘Then you can appreciate how very dull it is to be accused of something that has no justification.’

‘Alex, you’re impossible, the way you twist everything, and it’s plain cruel to bring that up again. Just get a damned test.’

‘I’m sorry. You’re right. It was cruel and unkind of me. Of course he’s mine. Come here …’

Juliet sinks onto the bed. All the fight has gone out of her. There’s nothing she wants more than a hug but she’s scared of being hurt even more. Alex places his arms around her and pulls her down onto the bed beside him. She wriggles against him, so that they are lying like spoons. She pulls her knees up into a foetal curl. She wants to cry but she doesn’t want to show him that he’s really upset her. She knows the pattern: cruelty, then love. The emotional wearing down until she is only capable of becoming a sobbing, pathetic heap. Then he can say ‘There, there … I’ll look after you … All you have to do is be a good girl …’ So she lies curled up against him, and she thinks of the feel of the bed underneath her body, the touch of the sheets against her skin, the sound of her breathing contrasted against Alex’s, and she settles her mind until she thinks, until she believes that she will be able to get through this without being destroyed.

CHAPTER

7

Juliet and Geraldine are prepping lunch while Alex is once again tracking down a rogue fairy light. Ben comes into the kitchen wearing an Army camouflage assault vest and helmet. He’s waving a toy AK-47 at them. ‘Thank you, Granny. This is just what I wanted. It’s brilliant. Fantastic. Yay … gonna show Daddy.’

‘Here, let me do it all up properly,’ Juliet says. ‘Don’t you look the part. A proper little soldier. And you’ve got a proper gun. My, won’t Daddy be proud of you.’ She zips him up and hooks the chin strap in place. Then she takes the gun from him. ‘What about the noises, darling? Geraldine, this looks terribly realistic. How clever of you.’

‘Well, a certain someone gave me a little hint.’

Juliet winks at her. Then she pushes the power button and sets the volume control to ‘loud’. ‘Try it now – here, see, this button. If you press and hold it, it makes a good sound.’

‘Thanks, Mummy.’

Juliet opens the kitchen door to let Ben into the sitting room. She hears Ben scream at Alex, ‘Hands up, Daddy, I’m gonna kill you …’, and then the cracking sound of the little toy AK-47.

She is curious to know how Alex will react. She peers round the kitchen door, and at first doesn’t see Alex. Then she spots him, curled up behind the sofa, his hands over his ears, shaking. She walks over and looks down at him, but his eyes are tightly closed.

‘There, there …’ she whispers. He doesn’t seem able to hear her. She puts her hand out to touch him, but then withdraws it. His body convulses every so often, as if an electric shock is pulsing through it. He is also whimpering. Juliet stares down at her husband and thinks that she should feel something, but a quick scan of her emotions confirms that she feels nothing, nothing at all. Ben is standing over him: ‘Daddy, wake up. It’s not real.’

‘It’s OK, Ben.’ She hands him the new DVD which he got in his stocking. ‘Let’s leave Daddy for a moment. Why don’t you put this on? Here.’ As she retreats towards the kitchen she can hear the sound of explosions and gun fire. The DVD is something she picked up on Amazon. Some war thing or other, with a PG certificate on it, but Juliet has never been too fussed about that sort of petty censorship. Ben only had to catch sight of the six o’clock news to know what an ugly place the world is. She obviously doesn’t recognize the weapons being used, but they’re those repeat-fire, short, sharp bursts, a bit like Ben’s toy, only much much louder. Geraldine is standing in the doorway. She hasn’t noticed her son trembling on the floor. Juliet walks towards her and shoos her into the kitchen, closing the door behind her.

‘Coffee?’

‘I don’t mind. Everything all right in there?’ Geraldine asks.

‘Absolutely fine. Ben adores his gun. Anything to do with fighting. Obviously gets it from his father.’

‘Juliet, I know it’s none of my business, but do you think it’s a good idea to, you know, let Ben watch those sorts of films. I mean, they’re quite violent from the sound of them.’

‘He’s fine. Honestly, he watches them all the time. Perfectly normal at his age.’

‘I did wonder if it was appropriate, you know, getting him interested in guns at such a young age. People can be funny about it, can’t they?’

‘God, don’t you hate all this politically correct nonsense? Just let boys be boys. If you don’t give them guns they just make them out of something else – you know what children are like. He thinks he wants to be a soldier like Daddy, and maybe if we let him play with guns now he’ll get it out of his system. Anyway, how’s your garden, Geraldine? Not much happening, I expect, at this time of year, except for the sprouts. Thanks so much for bringing them, by the way. Lovely to have them on the stalk. They always keep their colour so much better, don’t they? I was wondering about the brandy butter – salted or unsalted do you think, icing sugar or granulated? I know Alex always likes granulated, but I think it would be nice to have icing just this once. How are you getting on with the potatoes?’

‘All done, just bringing them up to the boil.’

‘I suppose we should have done them yesterday. Funny isn’t it, no matter how organized one thinks one is –’

‘Is Alex all right?’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘He just seems a little preoccupied, and I’m sure he’s lost weight.’

‘He’s been on a diet but he doesn’t want anyone to know. I think he’s a bit self-conscious about the fact that he’s not as fit as he once was.’

‘I thought he was looking rather exhausted.’

‘He’s fine. I’ll go and see if he’s going to come and open some champagne for us. It’s nearly midday, for God’s sake, and it
is
Christmas Day.’

‘What a lovely idea.’

‘Thought you’d like that. Me too.’ Juliet is all smiles and warmth as she steps through into the sitting room.

The DVD has been turned off. Ben is nowhere to be seen. Alex is seated in the chair, chalk-faced. He looks at her but says nothing. He has his arms crossed in front of his chest, and his knees are touching.

‘You OK?’ she says breezily.

‘You bitch. You did that on purpose,’ he says in a voice so quiet she can hardly hear him.

‘Did what?’

‘The uniform, the gun, and the bloody war DVD. What the hell were you thinking about?’

‘For your information, I didn’t get them, your mother did, so don’t blame me!’

‘With a little hint from you, no doubt.’

‘That’s a horrid thing to say. Why would I do something like that? I’m the one trying to make you get better, so I’d hardly do something so awful, would I? God, Alex, what kind of cruel bitch do you think I am? Now pull yourself together and open some champagne. Your mother’s gasping and I could use some myself. Why don’t you pour yourself a whisky like you usually do, hey sweetheart?’

He is out of his chair so fast that she doesn’t have a chance to take even one step backwards. He grabs her arms and his nose almost touches her forehead. She can feel his breath on her skin.

‘You’re hurting my arms,’ she hisses, and she struggles, trying to break free, but his grip just tightens.

‘Behave, Juliet. Or else –’

‘Or else what? You don’t scare me, Alex Miller.’ But she is lying. He scares her a lot. She just knows that it’s vital she doesn’t show it. ‘Perhaps you’re the one that should behave – particularly with our neighbours’ wives.’