Who Are You? (12 page)

‘I know what this is all about. You think you’re getting your own back.’

‘That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Now can you just for once act as if you aren’t in the middle of a fucking war zone and open the champagne?’

He releases her and she steps backwards, rubbing at the red marks on her thin arms. She pulls the sleeves of her cashmere jumper up towards her elbows, so that the marks can be plainly seen. They’re getting redder even as she looks at them. ‘Where’s Ben?’

Before she has time to answer, Ben reappears, pointing his new toy gun at his father. Alex just looks at him and then, very slowly, he raises his hands above his head and says: ‘Don’t shoot, Ben, I surrender.’

Ben presses the trigger and a tinny, high-pitched series of cracks issue from the toy.

‘Now Ben, that’s not very nice,’ Juliet admonishes him. ‘Daddy surrendered and you shot him. I think Daddy had better explain the Geneva Convention to you.’ She looks directly at Alex but he has a look upon his face as though he has travelled a very long way away.

*    *    *    *    *

Ben has been tucked up in bed surrounded by his new presents, and is mesmerized by the little book that features himself. Alex is in the study. Juliet and Geraldine are relaxing on the sofa in front of the television. There’s nothing much on that either of them wants to watch, so Juliet switches it off and refills both their glasses. ‘Lovely day, darling,’ Geraldine says. ‘Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how good it is for me to see you all settled now.’

‘Well, thanks to you, Geraldine. We couldn’t have moved here without your help.’

‘No point in having all this money if I can’t use it to lend a hand to my family.’

‘Well, we really appreciate it.’

‘And you are glad to be here, aren’t you? Everything’s all right between you? It’s just that, to be honest, Alex doesn’t seem as happy in himself. I’m not sure that he’s really been the same since he left the Army. It’s all been quite an adjustment for him, starting a new career at thirty-seven. Not easy for anyone.’

‘Perhaps. But he couldn’t stay in forever, and it was very tough on Ben and me, all that moving around.’

‘Oh, I’m thrilled he’s out. Obviously. All those years of worry – especially latterly. I still can’t fathom what on earth we were doing there, and what good it’s done. I know Alex would disagree, but personally I think as soon as we pull out, the Taliban will take over again and it will all be as if we had
never
been there. A waste of time, and all those lives lost for what? Not to mention the lost limbs. All so bloody awful.’

‘Yes.’ Juliet has heard it all a million times.

‘We are all so proud of him.’

‘Yes,’ Juliet repeats, and sighs loudly. ‘One of the elite, the chosen few.’

‘I used to wonder if Alex only joined the Army because of his father. But that really didn’t make sense, given his feelings towards him. But it suited him so well, didn’t it?’

‘You think? God, sometimes I wonder if they removed their hearts during training, along with their pain receptors.’ Juliet is in danger of saying more than she should. As far as Geraldine is concerned, Alex is the epitome of perfection.

‘He thinks the world of you and Ben. He always has.’

‘I know, we’re lucky.’ Juliet feels she might choke on the words. She refills Geraldine’s glass. ‘You said: “Alex’s feelings towards his father …”’ She knew what a bastard Alex’s father had been towards Alex, but she was curious to learn more by drawing Geraldine out about George and his bullying, to see if there was maybe a pattern, some kind of genetic predisposition that was now showing itself in Alex.

‘Alex was really a shy little boy, and his father was such a big character. I’m afraid he rather bullied him. It’s amazing that he’s turned out all right, considering.’

Juliet was tempted to laugh at Geraldine’s perception that Alex had turned out ‘all right’, but she managed to control herself.

‘Considering?’

‘He was very old fashioned. Very hard on both of them. Seen and not heard. Spare the rod and spoil the child … you know.

‘I remember once when Alex used to have to say his times tables by rote every lunchtime. And when it came to nine … I always thought that was the most difficult one, he got his 45s and 54s mixed up – he can’t have been more than six, not much older than Ben – and George grabbed his arm, dragged him out of the room and kicked his bottom as hard as he could. You know, I’ll never forget the scene, and poor Alex biting his lip, trying desperately not to cry because his father would have been even angrier with him. He was too harsh. Much too harsh.’

‘Couldn’t you stop him?’

‘Oh, no. He was a force of nature. There was absolutely no stopping him when he got into one of his black dogs, as he called it.’

‘And Alex, how do you think it affected him?’

‘He was fifteen when his father died. I think – although he’s never said – he felt a huge sense of relief. I
know
that he hated his father. I remember the funeral. The three of us – Lucinda, Alex and myself – people thought we were all so composed and stoical. There was not a tear shed between us. You see, we were free of George’s tyranny. A huge weight was lifted from us. We could never admit it, but I think we were all relieved. He wasn’t a nice man, Juliet.’ She held her glass out for a refill.

‘So he was violent towards
you
?’

‘No point in thinking about it now, it’s so far in the past.’

‘But he was?’

Geraldine nods slowly. ‘Yes. He was violent to me
and
to Alex. He spared Lucinda because she was a girl, a very pretty little girl, and she knew how to be very good. He was a vicious bully. An animal. There, I’ve said it.’

‘God, poor you. I bet you feel better for it. Saying it out loud.’

‘Oh my. You sound like one of those awful counsellor people. All that nonsense about talking. Not in our generation. We just got on with it. And marriage, well we really thought it was for life. Mainly because it was so damned difficult to get out of it. For most women they were shackled by the fact that they had no money of their own, whereas ironically I had pots of money.’

‘You must have been quite a catch. But you didn’t see through him? You didn’t realize what he was really like underneath? I guess these men are clever like that, aren’t they? They can be so charming when they choose to be, when there’s something they want.’

‘Oh yes, you’re right. George could fill a room, if you know what I mean. He was very handsome and clever – just like Alex, and so much older than me. He was a great friend and contemporary of my father. They served together during the war. George made it back after D-Day, but sadly my father didn’t. Can you imagine how awful it must have been for my mother? I’m not sure she ever really recovered emotionally. She was what you’d call “fragile”. Strangely enough, George was also a posthumous baby – his father died in the First World War. I was named after my father, Gerald. I imagine it was a natural choice that George should be my godfather. I remember him when I was little, arriving for the weekend in his sports car and bringing laughter into the house for a change. I think there was talk that there was something between him and my mother, and I’ve no idea if there’s any truth in it, but she never remarried. She died in a swimming accident when I was fifteen. I was away at school when it happened so I got called in to see the headmistress. I remember racking my brains as to what I’d done wrong, so being told my mother had drowned was quite a shock – not at all what I’d been expecting. At the time there was talk of it being suicide, but the currents were very unpredictable even though she was an experienced swimmer. She was the only family I had, but there was plenty of money, all tied up in a trust fund until I was twenty-five. The money came from mines, you know. In Staffordshire. Opencast mines. My grandfather was a coal millionaire. And after my mother died everything passed to me. So there I was, a very rich young girl, all alone in the world. But George would come and see me a lot and make sure I was all right; he was like an unofficial guardian, and when I was old enough I developed a terrible crush on him. Well, any girl would. Imagine, he used to whisk me off to the theatre and then give me splendid dinners in smart London restaurants. And the dancing, the nightclubs. Because he was my godfather no one saw the need for me to be chaperoned. Oh dear me, it doesn’t bear thinking about. Looking back, he really was a rogue. Then he’d deliver me back to school and I was sworn to secrecy not to tell anyone what we’d been up to. And we seemed to have so much in common even though there was a twenty-four-year age gap. I suppose now you’d say I was looking for a father figure. While he was looking for an heiress,’ Geraldine finishes, bitterly.

‘And after you were married, what was it like?’

‘Very happy at the beginning. Only after I had the children things changed. He was too old, too set in his ways to have the patience to deal with little ones. He became very domineering, treating me like a child. I think something happened to him in the war, you know. I think perhaps it brutalized him and it was only when I knew him intimately that it became clear. It’s terrible what our men have to go through.’

‘War changes them. Maybe some are a lot more susceptible than others, like George … and Alex,’ Juliet adds, quietly. ‘And the money? He took control of everything?’

‘Yes. I don’t know how he managed to do that. It was sneaky. Surreptitious. Making me sign things, suggesting accounts, brokers, investments – and before I knew it, most things were registered in his name. So it probably sounds awful to say it, but his death was an enormous release both emotionally and financially. And thank God Alex turned out all right, considering what he went through as a child. He saw things, between his father and me, that he should never have seen. You know once he actually stepped between us. He was such a brave little boy. Can you imagine a child doing that? He stepped between us to stop his father from hitting me. You don’t forget things like that, and I was worried that he might not. And then he was so unhappy at school …’ Something catches in Geraldine’s throat. ‘I wanted to bring him home but George wouldn’t have it. “Character-building,” he said. “Make him stand on his own two feet!” And if I’m honest I suppose I thought it was best that he was away from George, that he’d be safer. You just never know what to do for the best, do you?’

‘No, I suppose not.’ Juliet’s head is spinning. There’s so much she could say, and it’s really tempting to open up to Geraldine, but something stops her. Maybe the fact that there’s a risk anything she tells Geraldine might get back to Alex, and then he’d be angry with her for being disloyal to him, especially to his mother who truly believes he’s her superhero. It would feel really good to tell her the truth, to unburden herself, but the relief would be temporary, and it would do nothing to alter her situation. Best that she says nothing, and just mulls over everything that Geraldine has told her – things that confirm how completely fucked up Alex is, and why – and she can nurture the small nub of comfort that Alex’s problems are
not
her fault; that maybe he never really stood a chance of being anything other than he is. Christ, she actually feels profoundly sorry for him. Poor Alex.

CHAPTER

8

Juliet starts to type a general message to the forum as soon as she logs into the support group.

Hope you all had a good day … Mine wasn’t too bad. Kept everyone happy I think. But just had really uncomfortable conversation with OH’s mother, telling me how well-adjusted he is, considering his awful childhood. Well, I’m sorry but that’s b*****cks. He’s so screwed up … and dangerous. F**k it, I spend half the time wondering if I’m going to wake up alive. More than once I’ve been woken up by him lying on top of me, trying to strangle me!! And I’ve got a five year old here. I may have mentioned in previous posts that he’s ex- Army. It’s not normal, is it, to be going off to be shot at, year after year. If you’re constantly seeing people around you being maimed or killed it’s bound to screw you up a bit! If you’re normal, that is. If you never know if your next footstep is going to either blow you to bits, or take your legs off, or your testicles. And when they return it’s those left behind that have to pick up the pieces. He’s not the same man I married. They build these men up into being something they should never be: machines, automatons, programmed to carry out their missions, no matter what. They push them to their breaking point, and then build them back up again. But you don’t get the same person back. Does anyone else have a similar experience?
Posted by Sparrowhawk on 25-Dec-13 23.40 GMT

Juliet waits for a few moments and unbelievably – given the time – she gets an answer:

Hi there. I’m really sorry ur going through this shit. Am sending hugs. But what r u going to do? Sounds like he’s really screwed up, as you say. Guess he’s seen some bad things. Now having flashbacks. PTSD. He really needs help. Have you talked about that? Getting him some counselling. There’s organizations out there, Combat Stress, the British Legion – you should talk to them. Better still, get him to talk to them.
Posted by FightbackGirl on 25-Dec-13 23.46 GMT

Hi again FightbackGirl, and thanks for responding. I’ve tried. Believe me. It was the first thing, after it started coming out. But it’s like he doesn’t want to admit there’s anything wrong. He’s too proud. I think he believes he can deal with it himself without anyone else noticing that it’s happening. Maybe he thinks if it’s only me that notices, then it’s not really important. He can control me, or at least he thinks he can. He knows I’m really scared of him, even though I try really hard to hide it. Oh shit. I’m frightened. I can never let him know it, because that would make him worse. I have to pretend all the time that I’m strong and feisty, but inside I’m shit scared. Sometimes in his sleep he lashes out. He’s actually beaten me up, I mean really laid into me. I don’t want to be this victim-type of person who feels she has to walk on egg shells around her husband in case he thumps her. It’s not fair. Oh never mind … sorry … I’m just ranting now …
Posted by Sparrowhawk on 26-Dec-13 00.02GMT