White Lines (65 page)

“You’re still gorgeous. You know that?” he asked.

She smiled, shyly, getting butterflies after all this time. “Thank you.” Jada smiled, still holding on to him for dear life. She felt that if he let go she might not be able to stand on her shaky legs. “And you’re still the Ayes t nigga on Staten Island.”

Born smiled, and hugged her once more. Then he released her body’s familiar softness, and pulled Jada’s chair out for her. She sat down, and he sat across from her. Jada felt like she was sitting in the middle of a crowded room, and all she could see was Born. She knew that he saw her clearly. She felt transparent, and naked, like she had felt the first time they made love. This was the one person who knew her inside and out. And she knew him just as well.

Born sat there looking at her for several moments. No words were necessary, as they took in one another’s presence. He had seen her in his
dreams countless times, pictured her face perfectly in his imagination. But seeing her now—in the flesh—brought him a joy that was unexplainable.

Jada broke the silence that lingered, saying simply, “Wow.” She looked at him staring back at her. “I can’t believe it took us this long to see each other again.”

He shook his head. “Me, either. Yo, I thought about what it would be like to see you today, and I never thought it would feel like this.”

Jada frowned, slightly. “Feel like what? How do you feel?”

He shrugged. “I can’t explain it. I feel so fuckin’ … happy,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. “Man, if you only knew how fast my heart started beating when you walked in here!”

He looked at her pretty doelike eyes. He collected himself, and said, “I’m really sorry to hear about your mother.”

She thanked him, and Born looked at Jada. He saw her through new eyes as she sat there, so vulnerable still. He remembered when he’d hated that vulnerability, recalled that he’d seen that as a weakness. The same type of weakness his father had shown. They were one and the same in his mind all those years ago. But now he realized
how much
he had held Jada accountable for how Leo had let him down, and he was sorry for that. It wasn’t weakness he seen in Jada. It was tenderness, underneath all that tough talk. It was gentleness and vulnerability beneath the surface of her rough layers. What she had needed wasn’t tough love, but a love that would have helped her overcome any obstacle. Looking at Jada, he felt like he had let her down as much as she’d him. He could only imagine what depths she’d fallen to before climbing her way out and rising to the top of the heap. He was proud of her for being strong enough to pull herself up. For being stronger than his father had been.

Jada, on the other hand, stared at Born, realizing just where she’d gone wrong. This man before her was just a man. Nothing more. She had expected him to save her. To change her life and right all the wrongs she’d suffered. And for a while Born had done just that. But it wasn’t up to him to save her life. She’d had to do it for herself. Just like Miss Ingrid had told her. Jada understood how true that was now. She had had to
fight her own demons, just as her mother had learned. Like Edna, Jada had wanted to relinquish control completely. She’d wanted Born to rush in and save her. Writing had become more than a job for Jada. It was so therapeutic, and Jada had learned a lot about herself through her writing. She had realized that she had been longing for a father all her life. When she was angry with Edna as a teenager growing up, part of that anger stemmed from the absence of her father. Jada had never really grieved his loss. Instead, she’d mothered Edna back to life, and then gone in search of someone to take her father’s place. Someone to fill the void of a daddy’s love, which every girl needs so desperately. Born had become that father figure to her, and she had depended on him for everything. She had expected Born to rescue her from addiction. But instead he had left her to fend for herself, and for a long time Jada had been angry with him for that. Now she understood that Born was not to blame. She knew that it had been her fault that she’d sunk deeper into addiction and further away from herself. When Born left her, she still had herself. It took her far too long to realize that she was all she needed. Still, Born had left her
alone,
when he said he’d never do that. And as much as she loved this man—as much as she adored him and the memories they’d shared together—she somehow couldn’t forget how easily he’d abandoned her.

“Born, I want to talk about what happened between me and you.”

He nodded, glad that there was no need for awkward small talk. Jada had dived right in. “Listen.” He paused, and took a deep breath. “There’s some things I want to say to you about that.” He drained his glass, and felt his chest burn from the alcohol. Then he looked at her intently. “I was never good at trusting people. I don’t usually allow people to get that close to me. But I thought we were friends. I thought we had honesty and love between us.” Born couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes. “You lied to me. You stole from me, Jada. I never cheated on you. That was the first time in my life that I was faithful to any woman.” He looked at her, curiously. “Did you cheat on me?”

Jada shook her head. “No,” she said, truthfully. “I swear I never did.” And she was relieved to know that he hadn’t cheated on her either.

Born continued. “I was good to you, and I had so much love for you.

I tried to show you that. I accepted you and your past… all I ever asked was that you keep it real with me. I trusted you.” He paused, and looked at her. “You broke my heart, baby girl. And I wanna know why you did that to me.”

Jada felt so sick as she looked at him. She knew that she couldn’t even begin to tell him how much she loved him. How many times over the years she had longed for him, and wished that he would come back and get her. Now that he was sitting right across from her, she had no idea where to start. So she was honest, and told him exactly what she was feeling.

“Born, you were the first man to ever love me for me. You knew what I was, and what I had been through. You knew all the mistakes I made, and all the shit I had done. And you still loved me, anyway. You never held my past against me. You made me feel accepted, and beautiful, safe and loved. And I blew it. I messed that up.” Jada sighed deeply. “I fucked up. But I never stopped loving you, Born. Not for one second. You’ve always been my soul mate. I was just too stupid to see that your love should have been enough to keep me from going back to the drugs. But loving you was something I never stopped doing.”

He was the person who had mattered most in her life. She knew that, even after all this time, she owed him an honest explanation. “I never wanted to lie to you. I loved the honesty in our relationship, too. In the beginning it was just me and you. And I was alright then. I was good, and I loved you so much. Then, when you and Dorian started working extra hard, and me and Sunny started spending more time together … I got strung out, Born. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I was twisted.” Jada took a deep breath, and she explained how she’d taken her first trip across the white lines with Sunny in the men’s room at his friend’s party. “I came face-to-face with cocaine with no one around who would judge me, and I couldn’t walk away from it. I remember standing there staring at it, and knowing that I wanted it. I pushed the thought of you out of my mind. Told myself that I would only do it that one time. Just to make the party more enjoyable. And that night I felt so guilty. I hadn’t lied to you or stolen from you yet. But I knew I’d let you down. After that, I would get high in order to escape the guilt of what I was doing
behind your back. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. I owe you the truth.” Jada was raw and honest as she described the times she and Sunny had gotten high together, and how she’d resorted to stealing from Born once Sunny disappeared. She looked at Born lovingly. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. It was the last thing I ever wanted. I wanted to be the woman you wanted me to be. I wanted to be the Jada that you fell in love with. But part of me enjoyed being the Jada that got high behind your back, and was the life of the party.”

“So, Sunny got you caught up in all that? I didn’t know she got high, or I never would have wanted you to be friends with her.”

Jada shook her head. “I can’t blame Sunny. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. But I was having fun when I was high. When I was high, I was happy. I had money, I had love, I had friends, and life was a party. But when I wasn’t high, I was ashamed, because I was a cokehead, and I had betrayed you. I was living a double life. But in the midst of all of that, I didn’t ever want to cause you any pain. I loved you. I never wanted to hurt you, Born. I only wanted to be one thing to you, and another thing the rest of the time. I was selfish.”

Born watched her talk, and listened to what she said. He saw so much growth in her. The fact that she was taking responsibility for her actions was impressive to him. She had been in denial for so long, it was a relief to hear her admit that she’d been wrong. He remembered the lies she used to tell, and was relieved to hear some honesty from her at last.

He thought back to the days when they had walked with their fingers laced at the mall. The days when they had put on their flyest shit, and gone to rap concerts or parties. He missed this woman, his baby girl. And now that she was here, he could barely keep his hands to himself. He reached for her across the table, and she gave him her hand, willingly.

The waitress walked over, prepared to take their orders. Born ordered roasted chicken and mashed potatoes. Jada ordered the same. He smiled, remembering that she had always followed his lead. Except for the one time it mattered.

The waitress took their drink orders, and set out to retrieve them. Born continued stroking Jada’s hand, and she looked into his eyes.

“Well, I have some questions, too,” she said. Born leaned back, and prepared himself for the inquisition. Jada needed answers of her own. “How could you leave me alone like that? And why couldn’t you face me, instead of sending your mother to kick me out of our house?”

Born nodded his head, feeling that these were valid questions. “I reacted like that because I was hurt. I had a whole lotta faith in you, and I was so mad that you lied to me. You made a fool out of me. I just wanted you to go away from me.” He looked at her sincerely. “I could have really hurt you. I wanted you to feel the pain you made me feel. And the only way I knew how to do that was to physically hurt you. Deep down I really didn’t want to do that. So, I just cut you off. I let my moms speak for me. Looking back on that, I can see that wasn’t really a good look. But I didn’t know how I would react to you if I saw you face-to-face.” He recalled gripping Jada’s throat as he tossed her out of his life. He had known that he was angry, and powerful enough to snap her neck with his bare hands. All the love he’d had for her had been replaced by rage, and he was dangerously close to hurting her. “I think it would have ended a lot worse if I would have been there that day instead of my mother.” Born shook his head. “You made me give up on love. I’ll never give another woman my heart. It hurts too bad when you trust somebody, and it turns out that they lied to you. My heart is off-limits.”

He ordered another drink, and decided to ask another question. “What happened to you after we broke up. How did you start fuckin’ with Jamari?”

Jada took a deep breath. She felt herself well up with emotion at the thought of the rocky road of her past. “When you left, Marquis—” Her voice trailed off.

Born wanted to prevent her from having to feel all that pain again. “I know it wasn’t easy.”

“Nah.” Jada sat back, shaking her head. “You have no idea. You cannot imagine what it was like for me. I had a hard time. You know what I’m saying?” She looked at Born directly. “It wasn’t easy for me to live without you. And I had a real hard time at first.”

Born noticed that she looked at him unflinchingly. Her gaze was steady. He remembered that she used to have a hard time maintaining eye contact with him. And he noticed that she had no problem looking him in his eyes now. She was direct, and the tone of her voice was firm. It seemed like she had waited a long time to get this off her chest, and he sensed that she needed to say this to him. Jada took a sip of her drink. Born listened as she told him her story.

“When you threw me away—when you let me go—I felt like nobody else was in my corner, like nobody else had my back. And it was all about me from that point on. I felt like all I had was me. I went through my phase of feeling sorry for myself, being depressed and all that.” Jada paused to sip her drink, remembering how she had kept her outer appearance flashy and classy, while on the inside she felt dirty and unwanted. “And, then I saw you and Anisa in the mall. You grabbed her, and walked away from me. Then I saw you at a party that night. You avoided me the whole night. I was crushed. So, I dealt with Jamari, knowing that for me it was all about his paper, never about any love on my part. I was playing him. I thought that I was in control. But he was playing me, too, because I was always high.” Her eyelashes fluttered daintily, as she blinked away the memory. “And he knew what I was doing. He would give me the shit, buy it for me. He had me right where he wanted me, and he knew it.”

Born frowned, disturbed by what he was hearing. “You’re telling me that he
gave
you crack, and he knew you were smoking?” His facial expression was one of pure amazement.

Jada nodded. “He did. The first time he gave me drugs was when he told me how you put me down when you and him argued in the barbershop.”

“I didn’t put you down. If anything, I gave you a compliment.” Born chuckled at the memory. “The nigga was in there talking shit about how he was with you now, and I wasn’t. So I just said, ‘Yeah, she got some good pussy, don’t she?’ I didn’t put you down.”

Jada set her glass back down. “That’s not all you said.”

Born looked her in her eyes. “Yes, it is.” He shook his head, already assuming that Jamari had told her something far worse. “What did he tell you I said?”

Jada shook her head, feeling played once again. “He said you told them about how I sucked your dick—”