Wherever the Dandelion Falls (42 page)

"I'm honored," I said, smiling. Kimi and I never argued or fought, there was just a weird divide between us most of the time. "Mom and dad will be so happy and proud," I assured her. "They love John."

"I hope so," Kimi said.

There was a brief pause and I felt obligated to prolong Kimi's happiness. "How did he ask you?"

"Well," Kimi said, giddiness seeping back into her voice, "We were on our way home from getting some cheesecake and champagne after seeing
Forever Tango
. We had to go through Times Square, which I usually hate because it's so gross and crowded, but it was late enough that all the tourists were gone and it felt peaceful. We stopped and sat at one of those little tables on the sidewalk and looked around. We talked about the last five years together and how our relationship had grown and matured. I must have shivered, because John offered me his coat. Isn't that sweet? After five years he still does that. Anyway, I said something silly about how I liked wearing his coat, and then he smiled and asked if I'd consider wearing something else of his for the rest of my life. And he pulled out the ring..."

At that Kimi's voice pinched and I could tell she was starting to cry happy tears. That was weird because I couldn't recall her ever crying happy tears. While it was a bit disconcerting, it confirmed to me that there was no one else in the world that Kimi wanted to marry. She was happier than I'd ever heard her be.

And part of me was jealous of that.

"It's the most beautiful ring," Kimi went on. "Exactly the cut and setting I wanted."

"How did he know?" I asked, confused. Surely John hadn't been able to guess.

"I told him a while ago," Kimi said.

"You
told
him?" I said, frowning. Wouldn't that kind of spoil the surprise?

"Of course," Kimi said. "He and I talk about everything. That's what intimacy is. I knew he was going to propose. I just didn't know when or how. But, gosh, Riley, it was still so magical. It was
perfect
."

I felt like my whole concept of what an adult relationship was supposed to be suddenly changed. Kimi was suggesting that there was no mystery or allure between her and John, and yet their relationship was still romantic beyond her wildest dreams because of how close they were. It seemed an odd juxtaposition at first, but my sister had a low tolerance for bullshit, so I didn't second-guess her. She had everything she wanted.

"I'm so happy for you," I said.

"Will you be a bridesmaid?" she asked, sounding hopeful.

"Of
course
," I said. I knew her best friend Victoria would be her maid of honor, but I was glad she'd asked me to be in the wedding party. Maybe now that we were adults it was time to get closer to her. It seemed to me, all of the sudden, that she knew how to be closer to people than I did.

"I don't want to take up your whole morning bragging about John, though," she said. "How are you?"

I contemplated how I was. I wasn't feeling so great, actually. Aside from my usual morning grogginess and the impending dread of having to go work for Turner for the sixty-second week in a row, I was still unsettled about what had happened with Faye last night.

"Eh, I'm okay..." I said, feeling myself sink.

"Something wrong?"

"I don't want to kill your buzz," I said.

"Nothing could kill my buzz, Riley," Kimi assured. "Tell me."

I debated brushing the issue off, saying I was tired and stressed about work. But I had just agreed to be a bridesmaid in Kimi's wedding and wanted to be closer to her. She was a good person, and being on opposite coasts meant we had to work at being close.

"I've been seeing someone," I began.

"Oo, what's his name?" Kimi said.

I know Kimi didn't mean any harm by assuming I was seeing a man, but it was something I hated hearing. I liked men a lot, but I also liked women.

"
Her
name," I said, trying not to sound self-righteous while making Kimi aware of her assumption, "is Faye. We've been seeing each other for about six weeks."

"Aw, that's great, Riley," Kimi said. I was grateful for her unspoken apology. "It's been awhile since you dated someone."

"I know," I said, sighing. "And I really like her."

"So what's wrong?"

I sighed. "Last night I found out she did something bad to one of her exes."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that."

"And then I tried to talk to Justine about it, and she told me that I'm just using it as an excuse to run away because I'm scared of getting close to someone."

Kimi hummed pensively. "Are you?"

Now that I wasn't coursing with adrenaline and anger, I paused to consider Justine's theory. Was it possible that I was compounding my shock at what Faye had done with my own fears? Was I more afraid of intimacy than I thought?

"I don't know. Maybe. But what Faye did was mean."

"What did she do, if you don't mind me asking?"

I wasn't sure how much I could say without incriminating Faye and outing Callie Wilson for the millionth time. But I was too curious about Kimi's opinion.

"She outed her ex to get a better job."

"Ouch," Kimi said. "When did that happen?"

I realized I didn't know. "A few years ago."

Kimi hummed again. "I mean, I don't know anything about her, so I can't tell you what to do. But I'm here to talk if you need me."

Grateful that Kimi wasn't prying, I nodded, even though she couldn't see. But at the same time, I felt like she was brushing me off.

Desperate for a second opinion, I asked, "Do you think I have a hard time opening up to people?"

Kimi paused for a second, and I instantly knew her answer wasn't going to be
No
.

But her answer wasn't as bad as I expected.

"Once you've had your heart shattered the way you did, it gets significantly harder to be open."

I felt something release in my stomach, relieved that Kimi understood me better than I did myself. "Yeah," I murmured. "It is."

I thought back to when I'd been in middle school and Kimi had come home for Spring Break instead of going to Florida with her friends. She spent the whole week in her room watching TV, only coming out to shower and get plates of food to pick at. I would come to understand years later that she'd had her heart broken for the first time, but at thirteen, I didn't know what was wrong with her.

"Was it hard to open up to John?" I asked.

"
So
hard," she said. "He almost gave up on me a few months in. I almost gave up too. But I'm so glad we didn't."

The happy glow returned to her voice for a moment before she said, "You owe it to yourself to give this girl a chance, if you can. I mean, you've got a pretty strong moral compass, so obviously you wouldn't date anyone who hurts kids or kills dolphins or anything. But we're all humans who make mistakes."

I thought back to the time I'd gotten angry and stomped on Kimi's laptop when I was eight. Kimi had been furious, but my mom had intervened, holding her back from screaming at me or pulling my hair.

Now, Kimi
, my mom said sternly.
We're all humans who make mistakes.

And as silence set into the phone line, I realized that my sister had a point.

"Tell me about this girl," Kimi invited.

Cautious, I said, "What do you want to know?"

"Do you like her?" Kimi asked.

Swallowing, I heard myself saying, "So much." I swallowed again, feeling as though I was going to start crying. I had built Faye up to be an impossibly perfect woman, and it was no one's fault my but own when she had failed to live up to my expectations.

"What do you like about her?" my sister asked.

Describing all the wonderful things about Faye would normally be too much to handle at such an early hour, but Kimi was blissfully calm and a surprisingly good listener for someone with such exciting news of her own.

"She's smart," I began, "and ambitious and successful. She's beautiful and independent and she takes me to all these cool places and offers to pay for things. She's funny. We get goofy sometimes. And she's a good listener. And a good kisser." I felt my heart lift at the thought of Faye's kisses.

"You better lock that down, then," Kimi said with a laugh. Then her voice softened. "Maybe it's both the fear and the fact that she made a mistake that's tripping you up."

"Yeah," I said, realization soaking into my body with relief.

Maybe it wasn't as black and white as Justine had tried to paint it; this wasn't just about me being scared. Faye had made a mistake, and I was letting Faye's mistake inflame my fear. Maybe I felt too vulnerable around her to let go. Maybe this whole not-having-sex thing was a way to protect myself from all the feelings that would come regardless of how much I was wearing or how close her body was to mine.

I felt myself start to shake as I let that realization settle into my body. No matter what Faye had done, I had feelings that were stronger than I could control.

I felt myself start to prickle with tears. I had come home from my date the night before burning, trying to convince myself that Faye was a bad person. But Justine and Kimi were right; my reaction had very little to do with Faye.

"How did you open up to John?" I asked. I wanted some advice, not to mention to get out of spotlight.

"I just told him I was scared," Kimi said. "It was either that or lose him. Intimacy is about sharing the good things
and
the bad things." It was quiet for a moment before she said, "You don't have to do it all at once. Dating is figuring out how to make the good and bad work together. And you know… it's the grain of sand that makes the pearl."

Grateful for my sister's sound and calm advice, I let out a sigh and thanked her, congratulating her on her engagement once more and demanding she send me pictures of her ring as soon as we hung up.

Already tired from the half hour I'd been awake, I got in the shower, contemplating my sister's unexpected wisdom. As I lathered and rinsed my hair, I realized that I owed both Faye and Justine apologies. I had overreacted and dismissed two women who cared about me.

When I got out, I bumped into Justine on the way to my room. I decided not to waste more time pushing her away. It was difficult to say, but I managed: "I'm sorry I wrote you off last night about the whole Faye thing. You were right. I'm scared."

Justine gave me a gentle smile that held none of the smugness I expected. "Thanks," she said. "I hope you two can work things out."

"Me too," I said, feeling myself tense at the prospect of apologizing to Faye.

"I'm rooting for you two," Justine said. "I wouldn't have sent those flowers pretending to be her if I didn't think she was perfect for you."

Stunned and relieved to finally know who had sent the first bouquet, I almost dropped my towel.

"That was
you
?" I asked.

Justine gave a guilty nod.

"But… why?"

"You were having a rough week and I wanted you to be happy about something. I knew you'd assume they were from Faye."

"How did you know that?"

Justine gave a small shrug. "Because you're still a romantic at heart."

I sighed, realizing that having someone know me so well wasn't such a bad thing. If romance could be as comforting and surprising as my friendship with Justine, it was something I wanted.

After thanking Justine, I rushed back into my room and grabbed my phone. After remarking on the beautiful pictures Kimi sent me of her ring on her perfectly manicured hand, I went back into my text messages and saw Faye's plea that had gone unanswered.

Steeling myself and trying not to get the screen wet with my dripping hair, I typed out,
I don't think you're a bad person. I just needed some time. I'm sorry I freaked out.

She responded right away.
Okay, I understand. Let me know if there's anything you want to know.

Okay.

There was a long pause before she responded.
Do you still want to see me?

I felt my pulse rush as I forced myself to type of the truth.
Yes
.

Then there was a long pause and she typed,
Can we have lunch Saturday?

Dreading the prospect but knowing I owed both of us a chance, I agreed.

And even as I fought the dread that came with agreeing to see her, I knew that the dread was nothing more than me fighting to keep myself safe, which had nothing to do with her. She was going to be someone I adored no matter what.

And that was terrifying.