When the Heart Lies (35 page)

“Yeah, I’m almost finished.” He couldn’t tell her this read was the third time around.

“When are you going back to work? I know it’s nice to be in your own home again, but you’re wearing the sofa out.”

“I told you, it was a long case. I want to take some time off. Besides, I’m searching for Kinsley’s brother. Will you grab me a beer? There’s soda, too. Not much else. Take what you want.”

She started looking at him as a parent would. “In the middle of the day? Are you sure you don’t want a Coke? Moping around here isn’t going to bring her back. I’m worried about you. So is Olivia. Any luck with finding her brother?”

“It’s appears he doesn’t want to be found. I’m asking a friend in D.C. to check some things out. He may come through. Olivia should move on, though. Nothing is ever going to happen with her and me. I feel guilty. She’s too understanding.”

“You’ve been friends a long time, Jackson. To stay friends is all she wants. She cares. Give her a break.”

“I’ll call her soon. In a few days. The person I want to call is Kinsley. I want to tell her I loved the book, but I don’t want to interfere. If she’s happy, I don’t want to upset her.” He didn’t want to upset himself either. To know she would be able to forget him and be happy with a man like Nick would be a lot to handle.

“You can tell her at my exhibit. I invited her, and she said she’s coming. If you ever finish that book I’d like to read it.”

He finally laid the book down and gave her his attention. “Did she say anything else?”

“Only said she was getting used to being home again. Sorry.”

He folded his hands together and hung them between his legs with his head lowered. “Why would I think she’d choose me after only knowing me a brief time?  Why wouldn’t she choose Nick and her family?”

Scar didn’t have an answer for him. “Pierce asked how you are. He’d like to see you.”

“Why? So he can say I told you so?” When he heard himself say it, he realized how juvenile he sounded. He’d been blaming Pierce far too long. He’d tell him that someday.

“Jackson, he’s not like that. Give him a chance. You must know he loves you. My God, he put Lakeside in your name the day after your mother died. He still lives for you. This isn’t like you. You’re depressed. If you can’t talk to me, you should talk to someone.”

“Don’t you get it Scar? Talking isn’t going to help. And Lakeside means nothing to me. I didn’t ask for it.” His involvement with Lakeside was strictly on paper, and that’s how he’d insisted Pierce keep it. Few people knew anything other than he was Pierce’s estranged nephew. He hadn’t realized how much his past had affected decisions he made in life until recently. “Shit, it’ll be hell seeing her at the exhibit with Nick.” The thought of her with someone else brought bile to the back of his throat.

“Jackson, you said you’d go. The night won’t mean anything if you don’t show up.”

“I’ll be there. I’d never miss your debut. Four weeks from today, huh. I wonder if she’s still wearing my ring.” How many times had he looked at that ring and swore he’d never let love destroy him the way it had his parents. Now, his love for Kinsley made him see—it was the lies that destroyed his parents, and love was the only thing in life that meant a damn. Kinsley would see that too, at least he hoped she would.

Scar frowned as she looked at his miserable expression. “Can I drag you out tonight? A movie or something? I hate seeing you like this. This isn’t you.”

“Yeah, okay, a movie sounds good. You’re right. I need to get back to life. We might as well do dinner, too. I don’t have shit here.”

Scar gave him his beer and sat down next to him. “It’s a start.”

~ ~ ~

Kinsley straightened Nick’s tie as he sat down to breakfast. He was doing everything he promised and showered her with attention. He even read her book with a bit of enthusiasm.  He was the man she’d always wished he’d be. Maybe the change would last. She needed to start doing her part soon, or she’d be pushing him out the door again, in a different way.  She still had secrets, the kind of secrets that made it possible to forgive Angela. Thoughts of coming clean overwhelmed her.  Would it be a good or bad thing to share them? She hadn’t decided yet.

“Where’s Max?” Nick asked.

“He started his first day of preschool today. I just got back from taking him.”

“Oh yeah. How’d he do?”

“Great. I was the last parent standing, and he told me I needed to go home. All the toys and kids excited him. I think he thought it was a party.” She laughed.

“You should’ve reminded me, so I could’ve gone with you.”

“You don’t have many mornings you can sleep in. I thought you’d want to rest.”

“Well, I wish I could stay, but I have to get to a meeting. Mia wanted us to have dinner with her and some new guy tonight. You okay with going?”

She nodded.  Maybe the affair had ended. Maybe he really was going to start caring enough to make living a lie bearable.

He leaned close and kissed her, then drew back and searched her eyes. “You realize I love you, don’t you?” He kissed her again.

Did he sense her response was purely mechanical?

~ ~ ~

Nick stood in the bedroom gazing at their wedding photo. As Kinsley entered the room, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. His breath tickled her ear, and she flinched. “Is that gorgeous couple us? We have everything, Kinsley. There’s nothing we can’t overcome.”

She turned to him. She needed to fall in love with him again, but first, she needed to get Jackson out of her heart. She stole a quick glance at the sapphire. She should send the ring back, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Not yet.

Dinner with Mia and her new guy wasn’t bad. In fact, the night was enjoyable. Mia seemed happy with Simon, and Nick couldn’t have behaved better. He was trying. This was what she had always wanted, but the relationship between them seemed so empty, and she still struggled, wondering if she’d made the right choice. Nick no longer asked about what happen with Wayde, and everyone avoided the topic of Angela. Life seemed comfortable, but the underlying desire to be with Jackson still consumed her. There was a distance between Mia and her now, but she couldn’t hate her, and confronting her or any of the women Nick consorted with wasn’t in her nature. After all the mistakes she’d made in her life, Mia was entitled to one. Generally, Mia was a genuine and kind person. Unfortunately for her, she’d fallen in love with Nick. 

“So what do you think of Simon? He seems like a nice guy,” Nick said. “Mia deserves someone. Are you tired? We can hang down here a while if you want. In front of the fire.”

“He seems okay. It’s early. A fire sounds good.  I’m going to check on Max, I’ll be right down.”

When she returned, Nick had gotten them some wine and had some relaxing music playing. Things were changing; she hoped the change would be enough and settled in beside
him. He hung his hand over her shoulder and played with her hand. She wondered when they had stopped doing that sort of thing.

“You’ve changed,” he said.

“You’ve changed, too. We both have. I can see you’re trying, and it means a lot to me.”

“I hated myself when you were gone. I want to do everything I can, so I’ll never have to be without you. And that includes being honest with you. While you were gone—”

She turned, putting her finger to his lips to stop him. “Let’s call it even. It’s enough you wanted to tell me.” If Mia knew she was aware of the affair, it would only make things harder and more awkward. If Nick came clean, she knew she would too. She didn’t want to because she needed Jackson’s memory just for herself.

“You might hear things,” he said. “Are you sure? I don’t want things to come between us later. I promise there won’t be any more, of any of it.”

She wondered if she could keep the same promise. Jackson still entered her mind and tugged at her heart daily.

He drew her in close and kissed her. “You about ready for bed?”

She nodded, and they headed upstairs.

If she wanted to make things work for Max, she couldn’t put Nick off any longer. When he reached for her, she went to him. Time seemed to last forever as his hands and mouth began to move slowly over her. She stiffened. That ‘had it up to here’ feeling she’d felt with Wayde’s touch, began to slowly overcome her, leaving a thin layer of sticky perspiration covering her skin. Her eyes squeezed shut and she pushed him from her. “No. Please. I’m not ready.”

Nick rolled away from her, and she sat up on the side of the bed. Her breathe came in little gasps, and she held back the meal that threatened a second course. The thin layer of perspiration was now a full sweat, making the tiny wisps of hair around her face and neck damp. She glanced back at Nick who was staring at her with an aggrieved expression.

“This is too soon,” she said in a voice that sounded distant.

Nick continued to stare at her. “What the hell happened to you down there?”

I fell in love with someone who knows what love means.

Chapter 24

Nick came home after nine. He was happy, the kind of happy he was when he’d had a few too many. No surprise. After about nine weeks, he’d gone back to drinking with no restraint. The way he always had.  He was making the extra effort to be attentive, but even she knew it was work for both of them. It was a lot of effort just to be in love.

“
Mmm…smells good in here. You smell even better.” Reaching around her waist, he pulled her into him, pressing her against the counter.

He was hard against her ass and slipped his hand around to caress her breast.  Her body tensed. Not wanting him to sense her shudder of distaste, she moved to clear some dishes from the table.

His hand slid over his hair with a sigh that unmistakably spelled out his disappointment. “Where’s Max?”

“It’s nine-thirty. He’s in bed. Sorry. Do you want me to heat up dinner for you?” What made her think she could go on this way? Now, not only did she suffer, but everyone did. This wasn’t what she’d wanted.

“Nah, I ate at the office. Time got away from me. Sorry I didn’t call. I’m going up to give Max a kiss and take a quick shower. Why don’t you open a bottle of wine? I’ll be right down.” He pecked her cheek and headed upstairs.

She glanced at his phone and keys that laid on the counter.
Late night at the office and a quick shower. Do I want to do this to myself? Do I even care at this point?
Curiosity prompted her to pick up his phone and scroll through his text messages.

There was no name just a number. The text read, “Meet me, I miss you.”

She called the number.

Mia answered. “Are you missing me already?”

She didn’t say anything. She should’ve recognized Mia’s number, but then again, when was the last time she dialed a phone number and didn’t just click a name? Nick was smart enough not to have Mia’s name connected to the number. Too bad he never remembered to delete his messages.

Mia’s voice came through the phone again. “Nick?”

Kinsley cut the call, deleted the history, and returned Nick’s phone to the exact location where he’d left it.

There was no sense putting off talking about what she’d been holding on to for so long. Now was time to face facts: if Max hadn’t come along, she and Nick would’ve been finished a long time ago. She picked up her cell phone, put it down, and picked it up again. Taking a deep breath, she dialed. She was finally going to do this. Her fingers drummed on the countertop as she fought the urge to disconnect. Finally, an answer. She spoke up right away. “Hi. No, nothing’s wrong. I just need to talk to you. Max has a field trip tomorrow, so it’d be a good day. Any time after Nick leaves for work would be good. Okay, great, I’ll talk to you then.”

She went upstairs and was in bed reading when Nick got out of the shower. He came and sat next to her. “I thought we were going to have a drink? What are you doing in bed already? It’s still early.”

She should be angry or hurt, but she was immune to what seemed like an eternity of being told she was loved when she wasn’t. Though she wanted to, she couldn’t blame him. He knew nothing of love. How could he give it? Before Jackson, she thought she was lucky to have Nick. Lucky to have any love he was able to show her, but after being together a while, even the little love he showed was hard to believe real.

“I’m not up for a drink. I had a busy day. I’m tired. You must be tired, too. It appears you’ve had an active day.” She returned her focus to her book, scanning the page and turning without reading.

He scooted closer to her and brushed her hair back, kissing her neck. She was numb to it.

“What tired you out so much you don’t want to spend a little down time with me?” he said.

She beheld him in a sad way and felt moved to lay her hand against the side of his cheek, realizing their life together had been over long before she went to Wayde. The only sentiment she had left for him was pity. She took her hand from his face. She was no longer sad, but relieved to face the truth. They were over, and everyone would know everything soon. Clean slate. “I had a lot of writing to get done.”