When Fangirls Lie (25 page)

Try as she might, Saffi couldn’t make herself ignore the bitterness in Staffan’s voice. “I’m sorry---”

“It wasn’t your fault, Saffi. I was wrong---”

“I lied because I couldn’t take any chances of anyone guessing who I really was, especially with the way I was dressed and the way I was acting.”

“Why were you acting out of character, Saffi?”

For a moment, Saffi considered lying but just as quickly decided against it. There was no reason to, and she couldn’t bear hurting Staffan with yet another lie. “I wanted that weekend for myself, to escape my boring life and pretend I could be the kind of girl you’d want. I wanted to know how it felt to be your groupie.” She was unconscious of the way her lips twisted in a painful smile as she continued, “And I was, wasn’t I?”

Staffan groaned as tears formed in Saffi’s expressive eyes, and she struggled as he pulled her to his lap. The feel of having her back in his arms was glorious, but it would have been more so if only he didn’t feel like the scum of the earth for having hurt her so much.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Saffi.”

Her entire body remained stiff in the circle of his arms, but Staffan could feel her shoulders shaking at how hard she was trying to stop herself from crying. She failed, and every tear that seeped into his shirt burned him.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he whispered, hugging her more tightly, knowing he would give his life in an instant if it meant stopping Saffi from hurting. “When you ran away from the room that night, I went after you.” He struggled to breathe, knowing what he was about to say would hurt her even more. “I wanted to tell you how I felt then. I was planning to go on my fucking knees and beg you to come back to me for good, but I saw you with Carson. I saw you kissing Carson. It gutted me. It was like Chloe taking me for a fool again and…” His voice lowered, voice raw with self-loathing as he admitted, “I wanted to take revenge so I did…that.”

A choking sob escaped her, Staffan’s words making her remember the worst moment of her life. She started to cry hard then, the tears endlessly flowing as she saw in her mind a vivid vision of Staffan finger-fucking another woman---

She went wild, knowing she had to get away from Staffan, every inch of her body crawling at the memory of how she had begged him to just stop touching the other woman.

“Calm down---”

“Then let me go!”

The hurt in her voice was too fresh, too strong for Staffan to ignore and he let his hands drop, keeping himself still as Saffi flew to the opposite side of the car.

Chest heaving, she strove for control, despising at the same time how weak she still was with Staffan. Just one touch and her body had become completely alive. It wasn’t right. It just wasn’t right.

Saffi forced herself to meet Staffan’s gaze. “I can’t be with you anymore, Staffan.”

Her words knocked him over, and he felt like iron claws had suddenly wrapped around his heart. “
Saffi---
” He couldn’t think of anything to say after that. He was panicking, and not even with Chloe had he felt this afraid. He had to make this right. He had to. Without Saffi, he was nothing.

He tried again, his voice hoarse. “Saffi, I’m sorry.” When she shook her head at him, the stars still absent in her gaze, Staffan reached for her desperately.

“No!”

Staffan went cold at the way Saffi shrank away from his touch. “I’m not going to hurt you anymore, Saffi,” he promised her fiercely.

She shook her head furiously. “I can’t…it’s just…” Even though it killed her to do so, Saffi made herself look at Staffan. “It’s not you, Staffan. It’s me. I can’t let myself be with you. I just…” She covered her mouth, pressing her hands hard against her lips to stop them from trembling. “Staffan, I just don’t have any pride when I’m with you and it’s not right. It’s just not.”

@TheOfficialStaffanAehrenthalStalker, Twitter:

Spotted: Staffan at a university in Florida--- is he dating a college co-ed?

Twitpic.com/xxxxjg

Hours had passed, but Saffi’s words still hadn’t left him, had indeed taken to repeating itself nonstop in his mind. The words humbled and terrified him at the same time. On one hand, it made Staffan hopeful. Surely such words meant Saffi still cared for him, one way or another. But on the other hand, those words could also mean that she was determined to move on and nothing he could do would change her mind.

It was a goddamn mess, but even so all Staffan knew was that whatever happened, he wasn’t going to fucking back away just like that. And if Saffi had somehow thought he was going to be like a fucking selfless knight in shining armor, that he’d play nice and let her go because she deserved someone better---

She was so fucking wrong.

He needed her. He loved her. And those things had to matter.

Everyone at the hotel snapped into attention when he walked inside. It was ironic that the event Saffi was slated to attend – and receive an award – was being held in yet another one of his stepfather’s hotels.

Two uniformed security men stood guard at the entrance. Guests before Staffan showed their invitations before proceeding inside but when he reached the front of the line, Staffan merely raised a brow and the pair hurriedly threw the doors open for him.

Every man inside the vast and elegantly decorated ballroom was dressed in suit and tie.
That was a fucking good omen
, he told himself. It would make him stand out more in his white tux. He remembered how Saffi used to comment all the time on his red carpet photos, saying over and over again how much she loved his “sophisticated” taste in clothes.

Well, if that was what she fucking wanted, he would dress in a goddamn tux every day, even work out with a fucking bowtie if he had to. Staffan was willing to do everything it took to make her realize the truth.

~~~

Even though she was backstage, waiting for her name to be called and receive her award, Saffi knew the exact moment Staffan came inside the ballroom. Perhaps it was the way a palpable wave of lust went through all the females in the crowd, making them literally fan their faces. It could have been the noticeable buzz of whispers or – if she had the courage to peek past the curtains – it could easily be the way hundreds of flash bulbs had suddenly gone off, turning the ballroom into a galaxy of blinking stars from phone and digital cameras.

Trying not to show how much the knowledge of Staffan’s proximity rattled her, Saffi continued almost desperately, “Can we go through the routine again? I’m a little nervous. This is my first time to receive an award. I know it’s not much---I mean, it’s not like I’m a valedictorian or something. It’s just because I’m such a nerd I had submitted the most number of research papers---”

“Staffan Aehrenthal is outside,” Tanya, the senior in charge of directing the entire student-organized event, told her with wide eyes the moment Saffi paused for breath.

Saffi stared fixedly at her notes. “Oh?” She told herself she didn’t care. Well, fine – she did. But that didn’t matter. This was going nowhere and it would never go anywhere because she and Staffan weren’t meant to be.

Tanya’s face became filled with awe. “You’re so cool about this. If he was looking for me, I’d be melting right now---like right this very moment.”

“There’s nothing to be excited about.” Saffi was thankful of the way she was able to sound unaffected even as her insides twisted with pain. “I’m a great…fan of his and from there we became…friends.”

“Really?” Tanya let out an audible sigh of relief. “I’m so glad to hear that! I thought you two had something going on.” She cleared her throat. “Maybe you could introduce me to him later?”

Saffi knew Tanya was subtly asking her to set her up with Staffan. Her first violent instinct was to say no, but she forced herself to smile and nod. “Sure.” She could do it. She had to do it. The sooner Staffan understood that she couldn’t be with him, that she could never be whatever he wanted her to be in his life, the quicker she could have her life back to normal.

And then her name was being called.

~~~

Staffan had just finished refusing the tenth person to offer giving up his front-row seat to him when Saffi’s name was finally called. His attention immediately arrested, Staffan held his breath as the curtains parted and Saffi slowly walked into the center of the stage.

She was an angelic vision in white, her curly hair falling in beautiful waves past her bare shoulders. A ruby-red pendant gleamed against her skin, and Staffan knew the way it rested in the valley of her breasts would draw lustful gazes all around. His jaw clenched with jealousy, and it was all he could do not to race up the stage and cover Saffi with his jacket. If he ever fucking found which goddamn idiot designed Saffi’s dress, that person was going to lose his fucking business. He’d goddamn make sure of it.

Staffan wrestled his gaze away from her just to look at the crowd, and his fears proved to be true. Everyone was practically ogling her and it took all of his legendary self-control not to order everyone out. This was fucking family property, and he definitely had the right to do so if he wanted. And if it weren’t for the fact that Staffan needed to crawl his way back into Saffi’s good graces, he would have done so without a qualm.

When she took the award and the microphone, her eyes briefly scanned the crowd. “Thank you so much for---” Saffi stumbled into a stop when her gaze met Staffan’s. When she hadn’t seen him in the front row, she had started to breathe more easily. After all, he was Staffan Aehrenthal. He was always used to the best, and he’d never be the type to sit anywhere but the front row.

But apparently, she was wrong.

Saffi took a deep breath and started again. “I’m really thankful for this award. I know it says in this plaque
An Award for Prolific Achievements,
but we all know that just means I’m the biggest nerd in school.” She smiled as she waited for the laughter to die down. “But it’s okay, really, because I’m happy as a nerd. Personally, I think it’s just another way of describing a person who’s found his or her passion in life. This university helped me find my passion, and I’ll be forever thankful for that. So…” She lifted her award up. “I’m offering this to my fellow nerds!”

Practically everyone came to their feet after that, thunderous applause filling the room and startling Saffi. Flushed with pleasure at the way her speech was received, she had been able to momentarily forget about everything that happened in the past…until she came face to face with Staffan, who was waiting for her backstage.

Up close, he was even more overwhelmingly handsome, a prince in the flesh, easily standing out with his gleaming white tux while everyone else blended blandly into the darkness. Outside, she heard the lights shutting off one by one as their host gave his final speech. A party song played right after, followed by the cheers of the crowd.

All of those felt like it was happening in another dimension, though.

Right now, it was just Staffan and her again.

It felt so right that it had to be wrong.

“Congratulations, Saffi,” he said quietly, his eyes shining with something like pride. “You were magnificent back there.”

Saffi stepped back quickly just as Staffan reached out for her. She made her lips form a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, pretending she didn’t see the flash of hurt in Staffan’s gaze at the way she had avoided his touch.

“Thank you.” She took a deep breath. “I really appreciate you coming here. I am still your biggest…fan.” Somehow, she couldn’t make herself say she was a fangirl, feeling like she didn’t deserve to call herself that. She lowered her voice, making sure that only Staffan could hear her as she said, “But I think it’s better if you go now.”

He stiffened.

She stiffened, too, wondering if she had pushed him too far. His pride meant a lot to him, after all.