What You Really Really Want (26 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
As Heidi points out, even just reminding yourself of past accomplishments can work: “No matter what I'm scared to do I think,
Okay, Heidi, you got rid of everything you own, you put everything in a car to move cross-country to live with someone you've never met, you can go to a fucking club.
And that helps.”
Okay, Heidi, you got rid of everything you own, you put everything in a car to move cross-country to live with someone you've never met, you can go to a fucking club.
And that helps.”
Dive In:Make a list of things you're great at. Things that make you feel powerful, or at least super-competent. List at least ten things.
Now, identify something you're nervous about this week, whether it's a big meeting at work or a first date. If you haven't got anything to be nervous about this week, congratulations! But also: Pick something that makes you nervous and do it. (Those of you who are shy about flirting
with people you're attracted to or asking people out, this is a great opportunity to do just that. Grab a friend and go out to a club or event where there are likely to be people you'll be interested in, or take the plunge and email that person you've had your eye on via an online dating site.) Whatever you choose to do, before you face your fears, do something from your confidence list, even for just a little while.
with people you're attracted to or asking people out, this is a great opportunity to do just that. Grab a friend and go out to a club or event where there are likely to be people you'll be interested in, or take the plunge and email that person you've had your eye on via an online dating site.) Whatever you choose to do, before you face your fears, do something from your confidence list, even for just a little while.
One of the most powerful lessons I took away from both learning and teaching self-defense is this: You can be afraid and be strong at the same time. You can be afraid and do it (whatever “it” is that you know you need to do but scares you) anyway.
We've spent a good deal of time in this book talking about rejecting fear. And that's an awesome goal. But in reality, it doesn't always come easy. Unlearning fear can take a long time, and some fears just never go away. If you wait until you're not afraid, that day may never come, or it may come too late. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is to learn that fear doesn't have to mean freezing. Remember what we discussed about how feelings aren't facts? Well, this is a great example. You can feel your fear and act anyway, like Mag did:
Dive In:
Write a letter to your fear. Give it a name if you want, or even draw a picture of it. Then write it a letter telling it that you're in charge now. Tell it that you'll listen to it, you'll consider what it has to say, but ultimately, you're going to do what you need and want to do, and it can come along if it wants, but it can't stop you. Don't worry if you believe yourself or not. Write it as if you believe it.
Practice, Practice, PracticeI'm very very afraid of letting people know how vulnerable I am. I'm worried they'll either be disgusted or take advantage, so I try to pass off my emotions with self-deprecating humor. Recently, I was trying to build up my
courage to grab someone's hand, but was too scared and proud to outright do it. I had to tell on myself and say, “I'm building up my courage to do something very dorky. Hold on a moment.” Then I took a deep breath and did it. We held hands the rest of the night, and the next morning he reached out and took my hand. I felt dazed but happy, and proud that I did something about how I felt.
courage to grab someone's hand, but was too scared and proud to outright do it. I had to tell on myself and say, “I'm building up my courage to do something very dorky. Hold on a moment.” Then I took a deep breath and did it. We held hands the rest of the night, and the next morning he reached out and took my hand. I felt dazed but happy, and proud that I did something about how I felt.
Dive In:Write a letter to your fear. Give it a name if you want, or even draw a picture of it. Then write it a letter telling it that you're in charge now. Tell it that you'll listen to it, you'll consider what it has to say, but ultimately, you're going to do what you need and want to do, and it can come along if it wants, but it can't stop you. Don't worry if you believe yourself or not. Write it as if you believe it.
Ultimately, there's no way to get better at sexual communication without doing it. Think of it as a muscle that will get stronger only if you use itâit's going to hurt at first. It may feel sore afterward. If you don't do it regularly, you may not see much of a result (or at least it will take a very long time to see the results you want). On the other hand, if you start small, warm up, and gradually, regularly work your way up, you'll find that things that used to seem impossible are now second nature. Whether it's making sure you talk about STDs or confessing a private fantasy, it will all come more easily the more often you do it.
Dive In:This is the first of a series of practice conversations I'll be asking you to have this week. For each of them, choose the option that works best for you:
⢠Have the conversation with an actual partner or friendâwhomever you want to have the conversation with for real.
⢠Ask a friend to role-play the conversation with you in person. Tell them how you want the person they're playing (whether a hypothetical partner or a real, specific person) to respond, or leave it up to them.
⢠Ask a friend to role-play the conversation with you using technology: You could both have your avatar in
Second Life
or
The Sims
have the conversation, or you could have it over Skype, or chat, or the phoneâpick one that feels best to you.
Second Life
or
The Sims
have the conversation, or you could have it over Skype, or chat, or the phoneâpick one that feels best to you.
⢠Play the conversation out yourself in your notebook, writing both parts, one with your left hand, the other with your right.
For this exercise, practice talking with a friend about sex. Pick something you might not normally confide in a friend about, and try it out. How does it feel to say these things out loud? How does your friend respond, and how do those responses feel? Try to pick someone you trust to respond respectfully.
Now that you're ready to get your mouth moving (I meant for talking! Well, and for other stuff, too . . . ), let's get specific about the subject matter you'll want to cover.
ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENTEnthusiastic consent is a simple but crucial principle. What it means is this: It's your partner's responsibility to ensure that you're not just “not objecting” to what's happening between you, sexually speaking, that you're not just allowing whatever's happening to happen. Instead, your partner has to ensure that you're actively enjoying what's going down between the two (or more) of you. And this is equally important: You have the same responsibility to your partner.
Why is enthusiastic consent important? Well, for one, it ensures that everyone's having a good time, and isn't that a good thing? Beyond that, it does several important things:
⢠It gets past our common cultural assumptions that women are responsible for saying no, and if we don't, or don't do it loudly or repeatedly enough, whatever happens is “our fault.” Enthusiastic consent creates a standard where only “yes!” means yes.
⢠It encourages us to be in ongoing communication with our partners, which fosters playfulness, trust, connection, and dirty talk. (We'll get to dirty talk more in a little bit.)
⢠It allows us to let go of worry that we might be crossing a line with our partners and instead just relax and enjoy the sex we're having.
There are two tricky parts to enthusiastic consent. One is that it's not always obvious. We can't always tell if our partners are psyched about what we're doing together, for all kinds of reasons. Some people are just more expressive than others, for one. But also, as women, we're often afraid to admit how much
we're into sex (there's that slut-shaming fear again), so we act shyer about it than we actually feel. Add in the extra vulnerability that comes from being fully expressive with a partner, and you get to the first subrule of enthusiastic consent: If you can't tell, you have to ask.
we're into sex (there's that slut-shaming fear again), so we act shyer about it than we actually feel. Add in the extra vulnerability that comes from being fully expressive with a partner, and you get to the first subrule of enthusiastic consent: If you can't tell, you have to ask.
What does that mean, exactly? Well, it means that if you're unsure whether your partner is into what you're doing, you just check in. You ask, “Do you like that?” or, “How's this feel, baby?” or any number of other questions that boil down to: Are you into this?
Which brings me to enthusiastic consent subrule number two: Consent is not a light switch. Contrary to what seems like popular belief, sexual consent isn't as simple as “on” or “off.” As you know by now, there isn't this one thing called “sex” you can consent to anyhow. “Sex” is an evolving series of actions and interactions. You have to have the enthusiastic consent of your partner for all of them. And even if you have your partner's consent for a particular activity, you have to be prepared for it to change.
“My partner and I were having sex in the missionary position, and I asked if we could switch to spooning,” recalls Miranda, age nineteen. “He said yes, and we did. I was enjoying it quite a lot but couldn't get a read on him, so I asked, âDoes that feel good?' and he said, âYes, so good.' Such simple communication, but it really goes a long way towards ensuring mutual enjoyment.”
Consent isn't a yes/no question. It's a state. If, instead of lovers, the two of you were synchronized swimmers, consent would be the water. It's not enough to jump in, get wet, and
climb outâif you want to swim, you have to be in the water continually. And if you want to have sex, you have to be continually in a state of enthusiastic consent with your partner. That means you have to keep paying attention to your partner's verbal and nonverbal cues, and keep checking in if and when you can't tell.
climb outâif you want to swim, you have to be in the water continually. And if you want to have sex, you have to be continually in a state of enthusiastic consent with your partner. That means you have to keep paying attention to your partner's verbal and nonverbal cues, and keep checking in if and when you can't tell.
Speaking of verbal and nonverbal cues, they can both count toward enthusiastic consent. As a general rule, I rely more heavily on verbal cues (you're looking for variations on the words “yes, please!” here) when I'm having sex with a new partner and trust myself more to correctly interpret nonverbal cues (like facial expressions, body language, and enthusiastic noises) when I'm with someone I've been intimate with for a while.
Of course, the real tricky part is this: However, well,
enthusiastic
you may be about practicing enthusiastic consent, your partners may not have ever heard of it or get why it's important. That can be challenging. You may need to discuss it with them and see what they think about it. But consider this question: Why would you want to have sex with someone who's not enthusiastic about it? Would you want to sleep with someone who doesn't care about whether or not you're into it?
enthusiastic
you may be about practicing enthusiastic consent, your partners may not have ever heard of it or get why it's important. That can be challenging. You may need to discuss it with them and see what they think about it. But consider this question: Why would you want to have sex with someone who's not enthusiastic about it? Would you want to sleep with someone who doesn't care about whether or not you're into it?
Dive In:How do you define consent? Do you think you and your partners should just focus on stopping if someone says no, or do you think everyone should take responsibility for ensuring that their partner is actively enthusiastic about what's happening at all times? Write about consent in your notebook for ten minutes. Write
about what you believe consent should involve, but also write about your experiences with saying yes and no to sex. When were you listened to? When weren't you?
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