What You Really Really Want (29 page)

In other words: Don't play games because you think you have to, or you're expected to, or no one will want you otherwise. It's bunk. In all likelihood, the object of your affection is trying to figure out what rules you're playing by so they can play by them, too, causing the two of you to circle each other in an endless loop of second-guessing. What's worse, even if you do manage to attract someone's attention by playing what you've convinced yourself is the right game, you won't know if that person is actually attracted to you, because you won't be acting from an authentic place.

(It's worth also saying that you shouldn't play games in order to manipulate or control your partner, either. We'll be talking more about that in chapter 9.)

You want to play flirty, coy games because they're fun for you? Have at it. You want to be a bold seductress or play hard to get because that dynamic turns you on? Go for it. But make sure you're acting on behalf of yourself, in pursuit of what you really really want. In all things, be real. Even if you're playing games.

Riddle me this: Why are women who give blowjobs often treated as though they're doing something demeaning, while men receiving those blowjobs are seen as doing something awesome? For that matter, why do we have the same attitude toward women who are on the receiving end of anal sex, or who “tea bag” (put a guy's balls in their mouth)? And why are those same activities—receiving anal sex and performing oral sex (especially on other men) considered “feminine” and demeaning when men do them? This, my friends, is the “blowjob paradox.”

Time and again, our culture treats the traditionally “female” role as one to avoid. You can even see it in our curse words: Why is being a cocksucker a bad thing? Why is someone who's been taken advantage of said to have been “fucked over”? And someone who's had a bad situation forced on them told they've had to “take it up the ass”? What about when guys bully other guys for being weak or timid by calling them “pussies”? And, by the same token, say someone has “balls” if they're assertive and strong? It all stems from the idea that women should neither enthusiastically enjoy sex nor be assertive about our desire,
so if we've agreed to do anything more creative than “lie back and think of England,” we've obviously been forced to do it in order to please a man.

There's nothing inherently demeaning about a blowjob (or any other sexual activity, for that matter). As long as both partners are enthusiastically consenting, why would one person be degraded and the other elevated? Besides, blowjobs aren't even necessarily submissive—it's all in how you and your partner approach them. As Gray puts it, “In my mind, if I'm doing something to someone that's making their toes curl, I consider myself the person in power. I am the person doing things. I'm the active agent.”

Blowjobs (and other “coded female” sex acts) are only demeaning if you or your partner experiences them as such. If you feel like you have no choice but to give your partner a blowjob, even though you don't want to? That's degrading. But it has nothing to do with cocksucking itself, and everything to do with the way your partner is treating you.

So. You're on a date, or hanging out with the object of your affection. Maybe it's been an hour, maybe it's been a week, maybe it's been a year, but for however long, you've known. You've just known you want to kiss this person. And then the moment finally arrives, and you lean in, and the music in your mind swells, and your lips touch and . . .

Ick.
Too slobbery, too dry, funny tasting, bad breath, too tense, too aggressive, too flaccid—whatever the problem, a bad kiss is like an off-season tomato—it can be worse than no kiss at all.

The really tricky thing about a bad kiss is what happens next. Since you've gotten this far in the book, it probably won't surprise you at this point that the answer is “it depends.” More specifically, it depends on three things:

The more invested you are in developing a sexual or romantic relationship with the Bad Kisser, the more motivated you'll be to somehow get past the bad kissing.

Age and experience are two factors when it comes to an individual's willingness to improve their smoochability. But you also have to consider their personality and temperament. Are they curious by nature? Do they like to try new things? How much of their ego is invested in being “good” at sexual or romantic things? Also, consider your relationship. Do you already trust
each other? Are you someone from whom this person can take careful criticism?

Is it just a slightly disappointing kiss, perhaps paling in comparison with one from a champion kisser you've locked lips with before? Or is it a big problem, the kind that makes your body tense up and all your circuits sound the alarm?

 

Whatever your answers are to those three questions, you've got three options for action:

Maybe you're madly in love with this person already and the problem isn't all that bad. Or maybe it
is
that bad but your desire to be with them trumps whatever the problem is. Sometimes the person of your dreams may have a subpar pucker. There are worse things that could happen.

So, you don't want to bail on the person, but the problem is bad enough that you don't want to live with it, either. Like any criticism, it will go down better with a spoonful of sugar. I like to use the “shit sandwich” method, which involves wedging whatever challenging feedback you need to convey between two slices of positive affirmation. In this case, that might sound something like this: “I really love being close to you. But I've noticed, when we kiss? You kind of tense up your lips. Do you
think you could try to relax them more, so that I can really feel how soft and delicious they are?”

See what I did there? Nothing makes difficult news go down more easily than compliments. Just make sure to pick some that you mean—nothing makes difficult news go down worse than false sentiment.

Another thing to note about what I did in that example is that I got very specific. I didn't say, “You kiss kinda funny.” I didn't even say, “Can you just chill out more?” I was very specific both about what was going wrong for me and about how I hoped it could go differently. This gives your partner something concrete to work with, and it also helps them avoid feeling like they're just terrible at kissing in general.

A lot of mistakes people make in the kissing department may be related to performance anxiety. Ideally, sexual interactions should be more like playful explorations and improvisational communication than like some kind of judged Olympic competition, but the reality is that your partner may have absorbed messages to the contrary.

Which is a great point to keep in mind if your partner takes your feedback badly. If this happens, reassure your partner that kissing preferences are totally subjective! You're not saying they are
bad
at kissing, you're just saying that you would like kissing even better if they considered trying it a new way.

If that doesn't work, you may have to backpedal, or you might have to sit down and really hash things out. Be empathetic—nobody wants to hear they don't make you weak in the knees—but don't forget that it's important to speak up for your needs in a
sexual relationship, as long as you do so in a spirit of respect and collaboration. If you approach it that way, and if your partner takes the same approach, this is a mere bump in the road, even if it feels a little rocky at the time. And if your partner can't deal with the fact that they aren't utterly perfect, perhaps they're not the best partner for you after all.

If you're not that invested in this partner, or if kissing is really that bad, it's totally legitimate to move on. Chemistry is important. If you kiss someone and it doesn't make you want to kiss them more? Maybe you shouldn't be kissing that person. It doesn't mean they're not a good person, or that you don't find them attractive. It simply means something's not aligned sexually between you.

Pushing yourself to be attracted to someone can lead to a situation where you're in an emotionally committed relationship but your desire has died out or dwindled. And that's a much harder problem to deal with than coming to terms with the fact that a person you thought you might have a spark with isn't making you spark enough.

Of course, if you're calling something off because the kissing isn't right, the kind thing to do is not to say this explicitly. Try saying something more general but still true—again, using a shit sandwich. For example: “I just wanted to say that I've been having a great time getting to know you, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry I'm looking for. I'm disappointed, actually, because you're such an excellent person otherwise.” At which point you could even share a couple examples of things you like about the person.

You've probably realized that all of this kissing-compatibility advice isn't limited just to kissing. Sexual desire is a complex and personal thing. Much like a fingerprint, it's hard to imagine two people wanting the exact same things the exact same ways at all times, sexually speaking. Negotiating the difference between what you want and what your partner wants is a healthy and crucial thing to do. The key is being able to communicate about it. And the kissing principles are good ones to guide you, whatever the issue.