What to expect when you're expecting (189 page)

It’s also possible that your sexual slowdown will continue throughout the nine months—and beyond, too. After all, even couples who can’t get enough while they’re expecting find that their sex lives can come to a screeching halt once there’s a baby in the house, at least for the first couple of months. All of this is fine—and all of it is temporary. Meanwhile, make sure the nurturing of your baby doesn’t interfere with the care and feeding of your relationship. Put romance on the table regularly (and while you’re at it, put some candles there, too, plus a dinner you cooked up while she was napping). Surprise her with flowers or a sexy negligee (they make them for expectant moms, too). Suggest a moonlit stroll or hot cocoa and cuddles on the couch. Share your feelings and fears, and encourage her to share hers. Keep the hugs and kisses coming (and coming … and coming). You’ll both stay warm while you’re waiting for things to heat up again.

Also be sure that your wife knows that your lack of libido has nothing to do with her physically or emotionally. Expectant moms can suffer a crumbling of confidence when it comes to their pregnant body image, particularly as those pounds start piling on. Letting her know (often, through words and touch) that she’s more attractive to you than ever will help keep her from taking your drop in sexual interest personally.

For more tips on enjoying sex more when you’re doing it less, see
page 260
.

“Even though the doctor told us that sex is safe during pregnancy, I have trouble following through because I’m afraid of hurting my wife or the baby.”

Plenty of fathers-to-be confront that very same fear factor when it comes to expectant lovemaking. And that’s not surprising. It’s only natural to put your expectant wife and baby-to-be first and to try to protect them at all costs (including at the cost of your pleasure).

But fear not, and take it from the practitioner. If he or she has green-lighted sexual intercourse during pregnancy (and most of the time, that’s exactly what’ll happen), sex is completely safe up to delivery. Your baby is way out of your reach (even for the particularly gifted), well secured and sealed off in its uterine home, impervious to harm, unable to view or be aware of the proceedings, and perfectly oblivious to what’s going on when you’re getting it on. Even those mild contractions your spouse might feel after orgasm are nothing to worry about, since they’re not the kind that triggers premature labor in a normal pregnancy. In fact, research shows that low-risk women who stay sexually active during pregnancy are actually less likely to deliver early. And not only will making love to your wife do her no harm, but it can do her a world of good by filling her increased needs for physical and emotional closeness, and by letting her know that she’s desired at a time when she may be feeling her least desirable. Though you should proceed with care (take your cues from her and keep her needs top priority), you can certainly proceed—and feel good about it.

Still concerned? Let her know. Remember, open and honest communication about everything, including sex, is the best policy.

“I’ve been having the strangest dreams lately—and I’m not sure what to make of them.”

So your dream life has been more interesting than your real life these days? You’ve got lots of company. For just about all expectant mothers and fathers, pregnancy is a time of intense feelings, feelings that run the roller coaster from joyful anticipation to panic-stricken anxiety and back again. It’s not surprising that many of these feelings find their way into dreams, where the subconscious can act them out and work them through safely. Dreams about sex, for instance, might be your subconscious telling you what you probably already know: You’re worried about how pregnancy and having a baby is affecting and will continue to affect your sex life. Not only are such fears normal, they’re valid. Acknowledging that your relationship is in for some changes now that baby’s making three is the first step in making sure your twosome stays cozy.

R-rated dreams are most common in early pregnancy. Later on, you may notice a family theme in your dreams. You may dream about your parents or grandparents as your subconscious attempts to link past generations to the future one. You may dream about being a child again, which may express an understandable fear of the responsibilities to come and a longing for the carefree years of the past. You may even dream about being pregnant yourself, which may express sympathy for the load your spouse is carrying, jealousy of the attention she’s getting, or just a desire to connect with your unborn baby. Dreams about dropping the baby or forgetting to strap your newborn into the car seat can express your insecurities about becoming a father (the same insecurities every expectant parent shares). Uncharacteristically macho dreams—scoring a touchdown or driving a race car—can communicate the subconscious fear that becoming a nurturer will chip away at your manliness. The flip side of your subconscious may also get equal time (sometimes even in the same night); dreaming about taking care of your baby helps prepare you for your new role as doting dad. Dreams about loneliness and being left out are extremely common; these speak to those feelings of exclusion that so many expectant fathers experience.

Not all of your dreams will express anxiety, of course. Some dreams—of being handed or finding a baby, of baby showers or family strolls through the park—show how excited you are about the imminent arrival. (You’ll find more dream themes on
page 291
.)

It’s Your Hormones (Really)

Think just because you’re a guy you’re immune to the hormonal swings usually reserved for females? Think again. Research has revealed that expectant and new dads experience a drop in their testosterone levels and an increase in the hormone estradiol—a female sex hormone. It’s speculated that this shift in hormones, which is actually common across the animal kingdom, turns up the tenderness in males. It may also contribute to some pretty strange and surprising pregnancy-like symptoms in fathers-to-be, including food cravings, queasiness, weight gain, and mood swings. What’s more, it may keep dad’s libido in check (often a good thing, since a raging sex drive can sometimes be inconvenient during pregnancy—and definitely when there’s a new baby in the house). Hormone levels typically return to normal within three to six months, bringing with them an end to those pseudo pregnancy symptoms—and a return to libido business as usual (though not necessarily to sex life as usual until baby’s sleeping through the night).

One thing is for sure: You’re not dreaming alone. Expectant mothers (for the same reasons) are subject to strange dreams, too—plus the hormones make them even more vivid. Sharing dreams with each other in the morning can be an intimate, enlightening, and therapeutic ritual, as long as you don’t take them too seriously. After all, they’re just dreams.

“I’ve heard about mood swings during pregnancy, but I wasn’t prepared for this. One day she’s up, the next day she’s down, and I can’t seem to do anything right.”

Welcome to the wonderful—and sometimes wacky—world of pregnancy hormones. Wonderful because they’re working hard to nurture the tiny life that’s taken up residence inside your spouse’s belly (and that you’ll soon be cuddling in your arms). Wacky because, in addition to taking control of her body (and often making her miserable), they’re also taking control of her mind—making her weepy, over-the-top excited, disproportionately pissed, deliriously happy, and stressed out … and that’s all before lunch.

Not surprisingly, an expectant mom’s mood swings are usually the most pronounced during the first trimester when those pregnancy hormones are in their greatest state of flux (and when she’s just getting used to them). But even once the hormones have settled down in the second and third trimesters, you can still expect to be riding the emotional roller coaster with your spouse, which will continue to take her to emotional highs and lows (and fuel those occasional outbursts) right up until delivery, and beyond.

So what’s an expectant dad to do? Here are some suggestions:

Be patient.
Pregnancy won’t last forever (though there will be times in the ninth month where you both may wonder if it will). This, too, shall pass, and it’ll pass a lot more pleasantly if you’re patient. In the meantime, try to keep your perspective—and do whatever you can to channel your inner saint.

Don’t take her outbursts personally.
And don’t hold them against her. They are, after all, completely out of her control. Remember, it’s the hormones talking—and crying for no apparent reason. Avoid pointing out her moods, too. Though she’s powerless to control them, she’s also probably all too aware of them. And chances are, she’s no happier about them than you are. It’s no picnic being pregnant.

Help slow down the swings.
Since low blood sugar can send her mood swinging, offer her snacks when she’s starting to droop (a plate of crackers and cheese, a fruit-and-yogurt smoothie). Exercise can release those feel-good endorphins she’s in need of now, so suggest a before-or after-dinner walk (also a good time to let her vent fears and anxieties that might be dragging her down).

Go the extra yard.
That is, go to the laundry room, to her favorite takeout on the way home from work, to the supermarket on Saturday, to the dishwasher to unload … you get the picture. Not only will she appreciate the efforts you make—without being asked—but you’ll appreciate her happier mood.

“Ever since we got the positive pregnancy test, I seem to be feeling really down. I didn’t think fathers were supposed to get depressed during pregnancy.”

Fathers share a lot more than the expected bundle of joy with their partners. Long before that bundle arrives, they can share in many of the symptoms, including pregnancy mood slumps—which are surprisingly common in expectant dads. While you can’t be as quick to blame your hormones as your spouse can (though men’s hormones do fluctuate somewhat during pregnancy, too), it’s likely that your emotional low can be linked to the host of normal but conflicted feelings—from anxiety to fear to ambivalence—that most dads-to-be (and moms-to-be) find themselves trying to work out in the months leading up to this major life change.

But you can help boost your pregnancy mood—and perhaps prevent the postpartum blues, which about 10 percent of new fathers suffer from—by:

Talking. Let your feelings out so they don’t bring you down. Share them with your wife (and don’t forget to let her share hers, too), making communication a daily ritual. Talk them over with a friend who recently became a father (no one will get it like he will) or even with your own father. Or find an outlet online—a message board for new or expectant dads.

Moving. Nothing gets your mood up like getting your pulse up. Not only will a workout help you work out your feelings—or pound them out, or pump them out—but it can give your feel-good endorphins a long-lasting boost.

Getting baby-busy. Gear up for the anticipated arrival by pitching in with all the baby prep that’s likely going on. You may find that getting in the baby spirit helps give your spirits a boost.