What to expect when you're expecting (191 page)

And remember, too, as you learn, that just as mothers have different parenting techniques, so do dads. Relax, trust your instincts (surprise … fathers have them, too), and feel free to find the style that works for both you and your baby. Before you know it, you’ll be fathering with the best of them.

“My wife is thinking about breastfeeding our new baby, and I know it would be good for him—but I feel a little weird about it.”

Up until now, you’ve thought of your wife’s breasts sexually. And that’s natural. But here’s something that’s also natural. Breasts are built the way they are for another good reason and to serve another really important purpose: baby feeding. There is no more perfect food for an infant than breast milk, and no more perfect food delivery system than a breast (make that two breasts). Breastfeeding offers an overwhelming number of health benefits for a baby (from preventing allergies, obesity, and illness to promoting brain development) and for its mother (nursing is linked to a speedier recovery postpartum and possibly a reduced risk of breast cancer later on in life). You can read more about those amazing benefits starting on
page 331
.

Without a doubt, your wife’s decision to choose breast over bottle can make a dramatic difference in your child’s life—and in hers. So try to put your feelings aside, and give her your vote of breastfeeding confidence—which counts a lot more than you’d think. Even though you don’t know letdown from latch-on, you’ll have a tremendous influence on whether your wife sticks with breastfeeding (and the longer she sticks with it, the more health benefits for both her and baby). In fact, research shows that moms are far more likely to try and succeed at nursing when fathers are supportive than if they’re ambivalent. So take your influence seriously. Read up on nursing, watch a DVD, talk to other dads whose wives have breastfed, and ask whether a lactation consultant (basically, a nursing coach) will be available at the hospital or birthing center when the baby’s ready to chow down for the first time. (Lesson one: It’s a natural process, but it doesn’t come naturally.) If your wife is too embarrassed to ask for help—or she’s just too tired after delivery—be her breastfeeding advocate and make sure she gets it.

Sure, seeing your wife breastfeeding might seem weird at first—almost as weird as breastfeeding might feel to her initially—but before long, it will seem natural, normal, and incredibly special.

“My wife is breastfeeding our son. There’s a closeness between them that I can’t seem to share, and I feel left out.”

Certain biological aspects of parenting naturally exclude you: You can’t be pregnant, you can’t give birth, and you can’t breastfeed. But, as millions of new fathers discover each year, those natural physical limitations don’t have to relegate you to spectator status. You can share in nearly all the joys, expectations, trials, and tribulations of your wife’s pregnancy, labor, and delivery—from the first kick to the last push—as an active, supportive participant. And though you’ll never be able to put your baby to the breast (at least not with the kind of results baby’s looking for), you can share in the feeding process:

Be your baby’s supplementary feeder.
Once breastfeeding is established, there’s more than one way to feed a baby. And though you can’t nurse, you can be the one to give supplementary bottles (if those will be on the menu for baby). Not only will your being the supplementary feeder give mom a break (whether in the middle of the night or in the middle of dinner), it will give you extra opportunities for closeness with your baby. Make the most of the moment—instead of propping the bottle up to the baby’s mouth, strike a nursing position, with the bottle where that breast would be and your baby snuggled close. Opening up your shirt, which allows for skin-to-skin contact, will enhance the experience for both of you.

Your Baby Blues

You’re overjoyed to be a father, and that’s putting it mildly. So why are you also feeling emotionally spent? After all that buildup, all the planning and spending and drama, your child has been born, and you feel not only run-down (that’s the sleep deprivation talking) but also a tiny bit let down. Welcome to the Postpartum Club, when you suddenly realize why the word
baby
is so often followed by the word
blues.
Not every new parent experiences the so-called baby blues (about 10 percent of new dads do), but you can expect a profusion of emotions in both of you (fortunately, usually only one of you at a time). Be ready. And be strong. You’ll need the patience of a saint, the endurance of a triathlete, a temper with a mile-long fuse, and a sense of humor (big time) to work through this period of adjustment. Adapt the tips for her baby blues (
page 456
) to your needs during this rough patch. If those don’t help, and baby blues progress to depression, ask your doctor for help so you can start enjoying life with your new baby.

Don’t sleep through the night until your baby does.
Sharing in the joys of feeding also means sharing in the sleepless nights. Even if you’re not giving supplementary bottles, you can become a part of nighttime feeding rituals. You can be the one to pick baby up, do any necessary diaper changing, deliver him to his mom for his feeding, and return him to bed once he has fallen asleep again.

Participate in all other baby rituals.
Nursing is the only baby-care activity limited to mothers. Dads can bathe, diaper, and rock with the best of moms, given the chance.

“I’m so excited about our new baby that I’m afraid I’m almost overdoing the attention I’m giving her.”

Some things in life you can overdo—but not loving and caring for your baby. Not only do infants thrive on attention from their fathers, there is no better way to cement your relationship with your new offspring. All the time you’re spending with the baby will also help your spouse bond better with the baby (a mother who carries the load of baby care alone may find herself too exhausted and resentful to bond well).

And if you’re surprised by your enthusiasm for your daughter, don’t be. Studies have found that males in both the human and animal kingdoms experience a surge in female hormones when their babies arrive. Nurturing, long thought the province of mothers, apparently comes naturally to dads, too.

As you’re busy nurturing your newborn, however, don’t forget another relationship that needs looking after: the one with your spouse. Make sure she knows how much you love her, too. And make sure she gets her share of attention.

“I’ve heard about bonding, and we both got a chance to hold our baby when he arrived. But four days later, I feel love, but I still don’t feel all that connected.”

Bonding begins with that first cuddle, but it’s just the very start of your relationship with your baby. That brand-new connection between you will deepen and strengthen, not just over the next weeks, but over the many years you’ll be sharing as father and son.

In other words, don’t expect instant results—and don’t worry because you feel you haven’t had them. Look at every moment with your new son as a new opportunity to build the bond you’ve started. Every diaper change, every bath, every kiss, every caress, every look into that tiny little face, you’ll be bonding. Making eye contact and skin contact (open your shirt and hold him against your chest as you sing him to sleep) can enhance the closeness and tighten the bond. (This kind of contact will also, according to research, speed his brain development, so it’s good for both of you.) Keep in mind that the relationship may seem a little one-sided at first (until your newborn is alert enough to be responsive, you’ll be doing all the smiling and cooing), but every moment of your attention is contributing to your baby’s fledgling sense of well-being and letting him know he’s loved. The feedback you’ll get once the smiles start coming will confirm your time was well spent—and the connection with your baby was there all along.

Keep an Eye on Her Mood

Baby blues are one thing (they’re normal and self-limiting), but true postpartum depression is another. It’s a serious medical condition that requires prompt, professional treatment. If the mom in your life still seems truly overwhelmed several weeks after the baby comes home or experiences bouts of crying, irritability, or sleep disruptions (other than those caused by the baby), or if she’s not eating or otherwise functioning normally—as normally as can be expected given her new responsibilities—encourage her to talk to her practitioner about it. Don’t leave it up to her if she says no. She may not recognize the signs of depression. Make sure she gets the treatment she needs to feel better. See
page 458
for signs of postpartum depression.

If you find your spouse is monopolizing the baby care (she may do this without even being aware of it), let her know you’d like to take on at least your share. Volunteering to spend time alone with the baby whenever possible—while your spouse takes an exercise class, meets a friend for coffee, or just soaks in a tub with a good book—will guarantee that maternal good intentions won’t interfere with you and your son getting to know each other. And don’t feel you have to spend your quality time with your son at home. Newborns are highly portable, so feel free to pack a diaper bag, strap him into a stroller, car seat, or baby carrier, and take a stroll or run an errand with baby in tow.

“The delivery of our baby was absolutely awesome. But seeing her born seems to have turned me off sexually.”

Human sexual response, compared to that of other animals, is extremely delicate. It’s at the mercy not only of the body but of the mind as well (dogs don’t think about it—they just do it). And the mind can, at times, play plenty of tricks. One of those times, as you probably already know, is during pregnancy. Another, as you’re discovering, is during the postpartum period.

Postpartum Sex?

Are you experiencing the longest sexual dry spell you’ve had since freshman year? Think you’re exhibiting the symptoms of dreaded DSB (deadly sperm backup)? Be patient: Their time will come, and so will yours. Your spouse is still recovering from a significant shock to her system—not just the birthing, but the nine months preceding. She’s been through the wringer physically. The doctor or midwife may have already said that sex is technically okay to start up again, but your partner will be the ultimate decision maker on this one. Once she agrees to give it a try, you’ll need to proceed very slowly and extremely gently. Ask her what feels good, what hurts, what you can do to help. And don’t even consider laying into the entree until you’ve served up at least a few foreplay appetizers (she’ll need lots of massage, and lubrication will help get her juices going because hormonal changes have left her extra dry). Don’t be surprised if you get an accidental eyeful of milk right in the middle of the action (milk happens, especially early on). Share a laugh, and get back to business.

It’s very possible that the cause of your sudden sexual ambivalence has nothing to do with having seen your baby delivered. Most brand-new fathers find both the spirit and the flesh somewhat less willing after delivery (although there’s nothing abnormal about those who don’t) for many very understandable reasons: fatigue; fear that your baby will wake up crying at that first kiss (particularly if she is sharing your room); concern that you may hurt your spouse by having sex before her body is completely healed; and, finally, a general physical and mental preoccupation with your newborn, which sensibly concentrates your energies where they are most needed at this stage of your lives. Your feelings may also be influenced by the temporary increase in female hormones and drop in testosterone that many new fathers experience, because it’s the male hormones, in both women and men, that fuel libido. That’s probably nature’s way of helping you nurture—and nature’s way of keeping sex off your mind when there’s a new baby in the house.

In other words, it’s probably just as well that you aren’t feeling sexually motivated, particularly if your wife—like most women in the immediate postpartum period—isn’t feeling emotionally or physically up to it, either. Just how long it will take for your interest, and hers, to return is impossible to predict. As with all matters sexual, there is a wide range of normal. For some couples, desire precedes even the practitioner’s go-ahead—which, depending on the circumstances, may be anywhere from two to six weeks. For others, six months can pass before sex makes a postpartum comeback. Some women find their libidos lacking until they stop breastfeeding, but that doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy the closeness of lovemaking.

Some fathers, even if they’ve been prepared for the childbirth experience, do come out of it feeling as if the special place that’s always been meant for pleasure has suddenly taken on a practical purpose. But as the weeks pass, that feeling usually does, too. The vagina, after all, has two really important functions: practical and sexual. Neither excludes the other, and, if you think about it, they’re very much interconnected. The vagina is used for childbirth only briefly, but it’s a source of pleasure for you and your wife for a lifetime.

While you’re waiting for your libido to make its inevitable return (and it will!), make sure you’re paying your partner plenty of the attention she’s undoubtedly in need of. Women who’ve just delivered typically don’t feel their most desirable, and even if she’s not in the mood for love—she’s definitely in the mood to hear that you love her (and think she’s beautiful and sexy). It can’t hurt, either, to try some romantic moves to get you both back into the mood—as hard as that might be to accomplish when you’ve got a newborn in the house. Light some scented candles once baby’s finally asleep to mask that pervasive aroma of dirty diapers; offer her a sensuous no-strings-attached massage; bring on the cuddles while you’re both collapsed on the coach. Who knows—you might feel that libido return sooner than you’d think.