What to Expect the Toddler Years (53 page)

IPV (inactivated polio vaccine), if not given at fifteen months

Varicella (chicken pox), unless given earlier

HepB (hepatitis b), if not given at fifteen months

Other need-to-know advice.
The doctor may also discuss such topics as good parenting practices; injury prevention; reading to your child; nutrition; vitamins (if necessary); self-comforting habits (thumb sucking, pacifier use, transitional objects); sleep issues; night fears; toilet training; discipline; day care.

The next checkup.
If your toddler is in good health, the next checkup will be at twenty-four months. Until then, be sure to call the doctor if you have any questions that aren’t answered in this book or if your child shows any signs of illness (see page 569).

“Now that our son is a year-and-a-half old, we’re starting to think about getting pregnant again. But we’re wondering if this is the right time.”

There’s no “right” time to have another baby. But there’s probably no “wrong” time, either. Having children closely spaced can present a host of challenges in the short run (including: diapers, diapers everywhere), but an efficient use of time in the long run (getting those diapers over with). Having children farther apart may give you more rest between stretches of sleepless nights, but reintroduce those sleepless nights at a time when you may feel less able to handle them. As for having children close together so that they’ll be better friends, or farther apart so that they won’t fight so much, remember: Sibling friendships are more a matter of fate than family planning. More often they have to do with similarities in temperament and interests than with closeness in age—and there’s no age difference that’s been proven to guarantee that siblings won’t be rivals.

The experts aren’t unanimous, but most suggest that less than eighteen months between pregnancies is stressful to the mother’s body and may rob the older child of the chance to be the baby of the family for a sufficient period. Others believe that a two-and-a-half- to three-year gap between children is ideal because it is long enough to allow adequate time for number one child to be number one but not so long that the parents feel out of the baby “loop” when number two arrives. Still, this span may not be right for you.

Rather than looking for the answer from an outside source, such as this book or an expert, it’s probably better to look for it closer to home. Consider your ages, your health, and how quickly you recovered from your previous pregnancy and delivery; examine your energy level, any special needs your toddler may have, and what life-cycle, family, or professional events (your sister’s wedding,
moving, a new job) you can predict in the next nine to fifteen months (remember that it takes most couples three to six months to conceive). Then try to determine how these events might affect another pregnancy and another infant—and vice versa. Examine your feelings, too. If both of you feel like the time has come, then perhaps it has—and if both of you feel a need for a little more time, maybe you do. Contemplate, discuss, make lists of pluses and minuses, if you like, but don’t overanalyze. Just about any configuration of ages can work and
has
worked for someone, somewhere, sometime.

“A lot of people have been asking us when we’re going to have another baby. Well, we’re not sure we want one. We’re extremely happy and fulfilled as a threesome, and couldn’t ask for a better child than our daughter. Is it wrong to want just one?”

Children aren’t like potato chips; you
can
stop at just one, if you want to. And nobody else is entitled to make that decision for you. Though there may be many valid reasons to have another baby, pressure from friends, family, and society shouldn’t be among them.

It used to be that having more than one child was something parents just did automatically, if only because it was expected. Today, more and more parents elect to have only one child. The reasons are many, and include age (older parents may not feel up to rearing another child or up to the idea of having a teenager at home when they are well into their fifties); hectic lifestyle (some parents, finding themselves with precious little spare time, opt to devote all of it to one child); precarious finances (especially with the cost of some college educations skyrocketing into six figures); and concern about overpopulation.

Recent research suggests that one-child families are as happy and fulfilled as families with two or more children, shooting down the old adage that only children always turn out to be lonely or maladjusted. One study found that only children are as likely to be as happy and emotionally healthy as children from larger families. On the average, the study showed, they performed better academically than children with siblings, and were strongly represented among the population of highly successful people—possibly because being the one and only in their parents’ hearts brought them more autonomy, greater self-confidence, and less fear of competition.

Which is not to say that families should stick to having a single child just to increase their chances of raising a future president, high-profile attorney, or CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Sibling or no sibling, every child who is raised with love and support has a good chance of growing up to be happy and successful. And when you get right down to it, deciding whether or not to have another child should be a choice based on your feelings and circumstances—not on studies, statistics, or psychosocial rhetoric. Two children may bring twice the joy to some couples (and three thrice, and so on), but one may be the magic number for others. Only you can say which might be the perfect formula for your family.

“No matter what it is, my toddler has to have it ‘now!’ I’m losing my patience with her impatience.”

To young toddlers, a minute can seem like an eternity. In the middle of the second year they still have limited understanding of the passage of time and
little concept of past or future. They live for the moment—for “now.” And “now” is when they want this cookie or that drink, when they want a story read, when they want to play with a favorite toy. They haven’t yet learned that all good things come to those who wait. To them, all good things come to those who demand.

It’s not until around the second birthday that the typical toddler is able to comply when asked to “wait a minute.” The length of patience continues to expand over the next year or so. By age three, a child can often wait a reasonable time when asked to and may even be able to use self-distraction to help pass the time. Till then, you can expect to continue to hear that chorus of, “Now, now, now.”

Be patient while you wait for your toddler to develop patience. To make that wait easier, you can also try the following:

Make sure it’s worth making her wait
. Though it’s tempting to make a toddler wait for something she’s asked for on principle (“she’s got to learn, after all”), it’s not always fair or reasonable. Hun ger and thirst, for example, are very pressing problems to her, problems that need immediate resolution. If it’s a half hour wait for dinner, and she’s hungry right now, offer a small, nutritious snack that will take the edge off her appetite without zapping it entirely.

Create a diversion
. If the wait is legitimate and necessary, try to make it pass more quickly for your toddler with entertainment. For instance, if you’re in the car en route home and she wants her lunch “now!” a song, some favorite nursery rhymes, or an ad-lib game—such as “What does the cow say?” or “Can you see a doggy out the window?”—may buy just enough time to get you to your front door.

Set a timer
. If you need five more minutes in the kitchen before you can take your toddler to the park, set a timer and let her watch it until it dings. Or turn over an hourglass, and let her watch the sand sift through. This will give her a sense of control over you and over time. Just make sure you give yourself enough time to accomplish the task at hand. And when the timer goes off, keep your part of the bargain, or she won’t trust your deals in the future.

Move it
. If you can’t get it out of mind, get it out of sight. If your toddler wants something she can’t or shouldn’t have now (the riding toy on which she wants to scoot across your just-waxed, still-wet kitchen floor), physically separate her from it.

Be willing to wait yourself
. It’s time for your toddler to take her bath or get dressed to go out and she says, “
Not now
—I’m playing.” Instead of dragging her from her toys immediately, be willing, when time isn’t of the essence, to wait a minute or two. Tell her you will time one minute (or two or more) on your timer and that she doesn’t have to stop playing until the timer goes off. If she sees you’re patient, she is more likely to learn to be, too.

“Every time the phone rings, it’s like a signal for my son to start whining and demanding attention. I never get to complete a conversation.”

A toddler doesn’t appreciate anything that competes for your undivided attention—whether it’s a letter that needs writing, a meal that needs cooking, or a
telephone that needs answering. It’s not that he minds fending for himself, it’s just that when he does, he wants it to be
his
idea. He may feel threatened and insecure when he loses control of you to the phone. So, acting defensively, he struggles to recoup your attention the best way he knows: by whining and carrying on. Your toddler realizes it’s an effective technique—not many parents can manage to carry on a conversation with such shrill distraction at their knees—and he’s savvy enough to use it each and every time he sees your ear next to the receiver.

Though the degree of toddler telephone interference will depend to some extent upon your child’s temperament and your handling of the situation, you’re likely to find that leisurely phone conversations are possible only when your little phone hog is being occupied by another person, is asleep, or out of the house. And though the “static” on your line will eventually clear somewhat, your child may continue to compete with the phone for your attention. Over the years, verbal interference (“Get off the phone, Mom—I’m hungry!”) will replace the whimpering. Until, inevitably, the competition
for
you over the phone starts becoming a competition
with
you, and your offspring begins appropriating the line for himself (“Pl . . . ea . . . se get off the phone, Mom—I’m waiting for a call!”).

Though no magical or technological solutions exist for your personal telecommunication crisis (no phone company has yet come up with a way to put a child on “hold”), the following may help with your “child-waiting” problem:

Don’t call attention to your toddler’s calls for attention
. Anticipate a problem when the phone rings with, “Now I don’t want you to bother me while I’m on the phone!” and he’s certain to bother you. Instead, when someone rings, head for the phone with a cheerful, “I wonder who that is?”