Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (50 page)
MAKE DISCIPLINE A LAUGHING MATTER
Humor is the leavening of life—it raises us up when we’re down—and makes a surprisingly effective disciplinary tool. Using humor avoids shouting matches and bad feelings, and allows a toddler to give in without losing face. Use it in situations that would otherwise lead you to exasperation—for instance, when a toddler refuses to get into the stroller. Instead of engaging in fruitless combat amid shrill screams of protest, head off the tantrum and the struggle with some unexpected silliness. Suggest, perhaps, that the dog get in the stroller or pretend to get into it yourself. The incongruity of what you are proposing will probably distract your toddler long enough for you to complete your mission.
Humor can be brought into a variety of disciplinary situations. Give orders pretending you’re a dog or a lion, Big Bird, Mickey Mouse, or another of your child’s favorites; accompany unpopular procedures with silly songs (“This is the way we wash the face, wash the face . . .”) or outlandish play-by-play commentary (“Here comes the cleanup monster,” as the washcloth swoops down and “gobbles” the jelly-smeared cheeks); carry your toddler to the dreaded changing table upside down; make silly faces in the mirror to distract your toddler from crying instead of chiding impatiently, “Stop that crying—I can’t stand it!”
Taking each other less seriously more often will add sunshine to your days, particularly in this sometimes-stormy second year.
For more ways to make cooperation fun for your toddler, see “A Spoonful of Sugar,” page 156.
Keep in mind that the directions you give should always be simple and specific. Not “Put those things away,” but “Put your blocks in the basket.” Avoid a long list, such as, “Put the books away. Then clean up the toys on the floor and put away your clothes. After that, wash your hands and come in to eat.” By the time you get to the end of the litany, your toddler will have forgotten the beginning. Instead, give just one direction at a time. When your child has completed one task, then try the next.
Never discipline a child for a task undone unless you’re certain he or she has previously been instructed on how to complete it.
Not every task is within a toddler’s grasp. Many chores are beyond the physical and intellectual abilities of a toddler. If you expect yours to hang up that winter jacket when coming indoors, be sure the hook is reachable, and that it’s possible for a little person to get the coat onto the hook so it will stay there. If you expect clothes to go into the hamper, be sure the hamper isn’t too tall, has an easy-to-lift lid that won’t slam down on little fingers, and is close to where your child usually undresses. Again, don’t discipline a toddler for not doing a task that was difficult or impossible to begin with.
Patience is a necessity when dealing with toddlers. Natural dawdlers with short attention spans, toddlers are easily distracted from the task at hand by almost anything they see or hear; they need frequent gentle reminders to stay with what they are supposed to be doing.
ISCIPLINING TECHNIQUES THAT WORK
While there’s no one right way to discipline a toddler, there are several ways that work well, including the following. Which you choose, and when you choose them, will depend on your toddler’s personality, your personality, and the specific set of circumstances.
Catch your child being good.
Most children learn early on that being good garners them much less parental attention than being naughty. Mommy’s not looked up from the checkbook she’s been trying to balance for half an hour? It’s time to start ripping up her mail. Daddy settles down with the news when he gets home after work and barely says hello? He’ll notice me if I dump my bowl of oatmeal over on the carpet. While your toddler’s thinking process may not be as clear as all that, the results are.
So the next time your toddler misbehaves to capture your attention, avoid overreacting (a strong reaction, even a negative one, is just what your toddler is playing for). But when your child turns the pages of your book carefully, or plays quietly with a puzzle while you wash the dishes, or picks up a scrap of paper from the floor and hands it to you, be bountiful with your praise. Make a fuss over your toddler’s good behavior, not his or her transgressions.
And be sure to give your toddler enough attention (even if you’re busy, take a moment to reach over for a hug or to comment on the progress of a block tower) so that there will be little need to try to attract it through intentional misbehavior.
Make the punishment fit the crime.
It’s virtually impossible for a young toddler to understand that television privileges are being revoked because of a crayon masterpiece drawn on the living-room wall. Your child is much more likely to get your point if you take the crayons away immediately and don’t return them until after lunch (and then don’t forget to include a pad of drawing paper). There is almost always a way to fit the punishment to the crime. If a cup of orange juice is turned over intentionally, the toddler can participate in the clean-up. If blocks are thrown around, they can be confiscated for the rest of the day. If a swipe is taken at another child in the sandbox, the swiper can sit out the next round of shoveling.
Let your child suffer the natural consequences of the crime.
One of the more important lessons of life (one some adults never learn) is that all actions have consequences. Feed your cookie to the dog, you have no more cookie. Tear pages out of a favorite storybook, Daddy can’t read that book to you anymore. Drop your teddy in a mud puddle in the playground and you can’t play with it until it goes through the washer. Don’t always try to protect your toddler from the consequences of his or her acts and don’t consider reparations (another cookie, a new copy of the book, an ice-cream cone to stop the tears) unless the action was an accident. A toddler’s period of suffering in such situations is likely to be brief, but a lesson is nevertheless learned—eventually.
Consider time-out.
Not all experts agree that the “time-out” is a wise disciplinary tool, but some parents swear by it. Its level of effectiveness probably depends on the commitment of the parent and the temperament of the child.
The idea behind time-out is to allow an out-of-control toddler to cool down and regain control; for older children a time-out can also provide a chance (hope fully) for introspection. Often this
quiet time can help diffuse a potentially explosive situation before it reaches crisis proportions. Thirty seconds to a minute is a time frame that works with some toddlers (time passes slowly at this age); others require five to ten minutes. Use an egg timer or a minute timer (“when the sand goes through, you can get up”) to help define the boundaries of the time-out for your toddler. An older child may be allowed to get up when he or she feels ready to behave. If your child refuses to stay seated (sitting still is rarely a toddler’s strong suit), firmly return him or her to the chair or corner as many times as necessary, keeping a hand on the child’s shoulder, if need be. If, once the time-out has ended, the child immediately repeats the unwanted behavior, repeat the time-out.
TO SPANK OR NOT TO SPANK
Spanking as a means of discipline has been passed on from generation to generation in many families. Nevertheless, most experts agree that spanking is not effective. Children who are spanked may refrain from repeating a misdemeanor rather than risk a repeat spanking, but they obey only out of fear. Instead of learning to differentiate between right and wrong, they only learn to differentiate between what they get spanked for and don’t get spanked for. And they rarely learn self-discipline.
Spanking also has many other negative aspects. For one, it sets a violent example. Children who are spanked are more likely to use physical force against peers, and later against their own children. For another, by teaching children that the best way to settle a dispute is with force, spanking denies them the chance to learn alternative, less hurtful, ways of dealing with anger and frustration. It also represents the abuse of power by a very large, strong party (or bully) against a very small, comparatively weak one. Spanking is humiliating and demeaning to both the parent and the child, often shattering self-esteem and morale.
Spanking can also lead to serious injury, particularly when it happens in the heat of anger. Spanking after the anger has cooled may cause less physical damage, but seems even more questionable. It is certainly more cruelly calculated, and in the long run is less effective in correcting behavior, since the punishment is so far removed from the offense.
Sitters and other caregivers should be instructed never to strike your child or to administer any form of physical punishment. If your child is in day care or preschool, be sure that there is a policy that prohibits corporal punishment (though this won’t absolutely ensure that a staff member will never strike a child). Any evidence of corporal punishment on the part of a caregiver requires swift and decisive intervention. First, remove your child from his or her care and then report the incident, as appropriate. If you hired the caregiver through an agency or other organization, let them know what happened. If he or she injured your child, this should be reported to the Child Abuse Reporting Hotline (see your phone book or call your child’s doctor).
Some experts (and parents) believe that a smack on the hand or the bottom may be warranted in a dangerous situation to get an important message across to a child too young to understand words—for example, when a young toddler wanders into the street or continues to approach a hot stove following a stern warning to stay away. The idea is not to inflict pain, but to quickly call a child’s attention to the seriousness of the situation. Such a slap should be followed by an explanation: “If you run into the street, a car could hurt you.” Once a child shows that he or she understands what you say, however, physical force is no longer considered justifiable even when safety is an issue.
WHEN SPANKING BECOMES ABUSE
Rare is the parent who intentionally hurts a child. Most child abusers inflict physical punishment either out of anger or because they believe they are doing it for the child’s benefit. Most were disciplined the same way themselves. But anything more than a smack on the bottom (well-padded with a diaper) can injure a child, especially a young one. Even something as seemingly harmless as shaking can cause serious damage in the infant or toddler. Certainly, using a belt, ruler, or other weapon is extremely dangerous.
If you ever feel as though you can’t control yourself and want to strike your toddler, get help immediately. Call a neighbor or friend who lives nearby or your local child abuse hotline (it will be listed in the white pages under Child Abuse and may also be listed in a special section, such as Community Services Numbers, in the front of the book). Do the same if anyone who cares for your child or lives in your home attempts to, or actually does hit your child. To have the number handy should you ever need it, fill the number in now under the “Emergency Numbers” listing on the inside back cover of the book.
There are several important guidelines to follow when implementing timeout. Dole it out only for actions you’ve previously warned your toddler are unacceptable, not for first-time offenses. Time-out should be served in a safe place, visible to parent or caregiver (not in isolation in a closet or darkened room), but away from the “fun” of toys and activities. The very young toddler can be deposited in a playpen, reserved only for time-outs (by this age, most children find playpens too restrictive for play, anyway). Don’t use your child’s crib or room as a time-out location—these are places you want your child to associate with positive experiences. For the child who can climb out of a playpen, a special chair should be set aside for time-out use only; the chair should be placed where nothing of interest (TV, window, books) can be easily seen and nothing that’s vulnerable or makes your toddler vulnerable (a plant, a vase, a fragile table) can be easily reached. The toddler should be escorted to the chair, and told to sit in it. (If you think your toddler may have to go to the bathroom or needs a diaper change, be sure to take care of that before beginning his or her time-out). He or she should not be allowed to communicate with anyone during the time-out.