What to Expect the Toddler Years (139 page)

wash and dry hands

use prepositions (by 31 months)

. . . may possibly be able to:

identify 1 color

use 2 adjectives

broad jump

put on a T-shirt

. . . may even be able to:

balance on each foot for 3 seconds

count 1 block

“Our daughter has come up with an imaginary friend who’s with her all the time. She has a family who loves her and friends at play group. Why would she want or need a pretend friend?”

Between the domineering ways of adults and the grabbiness and pushiness of so many flesh-and-blood peers, what toddler wouldn’t want a companion who is completely within her control, completely amenable to her desires, never talks back, and is a threat neither to her person nor her property? And who fits that bill better than a friend of her own creation—an imaginary playmate?

Besides providing the ideal companion, an imaginary friend can serve as an alter ego. This second self can be use ful as a scapegoat (to test parental limits, to blame misdeeds on), a conscience (to keep her in line when she loses control), or an outlet for outsize emotions (anger, anxiety, fear, jealousy) she doesn’t feel comfortable (or isn’t yet capable) of expressing herself. Or the imaginary friend may be a protector (to save her from that big dog down the block or the “monster” lurking under her bed) or simply someone to keep her company when she’s lonely or bored.

Imaginary playmates are extremely common. It’s estimated that up to two-thirds of children create such companions at some point during early child hood. Most imaginary friends first appear on the scene when a child is between two and a half and three, hang around for a couple of years, and make their exit by the time the child is five or six. The vast majority of children with pretend pals, though they may vehemently deny it, know that their companion is make-believe.

In some families, a young child’s unseen playmate pops in for visits only occasionally. In others, the playmate is ever-present. It may take any number of forms (a child, an adult, a smart dog, a powerful fairy godmother), may have a name (plain or fancy), specific characteristics (it’s tall or short, fat or thin, pretty or funny), and habits of its own (it always sits in a particular chair, sleeps on the same side of the bed, wears the same color shirt). Some children even have more than one imaginary playmate—these friends may “show up” together or one at a time.

What are the long-term effects of having a pretend playmate? Research reveals that children with imaginary friends tend to have plenty of real friends, to display a rich vocabulary, and to be creative, independent, sociable, cooperative with teachers and playmates. They can distinguish between real and pretend as well as other children, but they are more likely to indulge in imaginary play with pretend objects (zooming around the living room playing “airplane” or handing Mommy a bunch of make-believe daisies picked in a bedroom “garden”). Numerous creative and successful adults recall having dreamed up pretend playmates as children.

To make your child’s experience with her pretend friend a positive one for the entire family:

Keep in mind that an imagination is a precious gift—one that helps a child thrive and grow. Let your toddler play out her imaginary-friend fantasy without interference or disparaging remarks. Making fun of her make-believe friend or forbidding her to bring her friend along when she leaves the house isn’t likely to persuade her to give it up, only to keep it a secret—which could sink her deeper into her fantasy world than is desirable.

Accept and welcome her friend. In stead of disputing the existence of the imaginary friend (which could upset, and possibly anger, your toddler), be hospitable. Go along with your toddler’s wish that her friend have a place at the table, a pillow beside her own, even a bowl of “cereal”—but within the context of an imaginary game, just as you would when playing with dolls or cars with your toddler.

Let your toddler take the lead. Don’t offer the friend a place at the table until your toddler’s asked for one and don’t kiss the friend good-night unless your toddler’s asked you to, but do play along when asked.