What to Expect the Toddler Years (143 page)

Never fear, loyal subjects. Though this royalty complex is common among two- and three-year-olds, it is not usually a predictor of future tyranny, just another manifestation of toddler egocentricity. As the most important person in the world (at least from her point of view), it’s only natural that your toddler wants things to run her way. It’s also natural that she should want to wrest a little control in a life that often seems totally controlled by others. In other words, bossing you around is her opportunity to give back to you what you give to her.

As your child matures and begins to recognize that the world doesn’t truly revolve around her, and as she gains more control over everyday events (as you give her more choices), her imperious manner should temper. And though she may well continue to be a leader, chances are, if you play your cards right, she’ll cease to be so demanding. To play this hand:

Treat her as you would like her to treat you. If you’d like your toddler to stop bossing you around, make sure you’re not constantly bossing
her
around, and that rules and expectations are fair, age-appropriate, and not excessive.

Give her adequate attention . . . Her demands may represent a need for more of your time; be sure she is getting enough of it without having to ask. And responding to your toddler’s requests to “fix this” or for “more juice” as soon as you practically can, rather than continually putting her off, may also reduce her demands. When you can’t respond right away, explain why you can’t and give her a fair estimate of when you will be able to help her.

. . . but don’t let her tyrannize. Don’t respond when she’s rude. Expect her to say “please” and use a relatively courteous voice when she makes a request (though you may have to make an exception when she is particularly out-of-sorts). When your toddler’s demands are excessive, calmly let her know they are and don’t feel obligated to fulfill them.

Hand over some control. Giving her choices during the day will help her feel more in control of her environment, and thus less compelled to try to take over completely.

Give her some responsibilities. Start meting out simple jobs that she can
handle (see page 416) and when she demands you do something you know she can do herself (pick up the crayon she just dropped or get a book from her room), refuse. Explain that you do a lot of things for her, but some things she can do for herself and some are just too silly to do at all. Don’t, however, in an all out effort to defuse her bossiness, suddenly refuse to do anything at all for her. This will only increase her frustration and the bossiness that stems from it.

Reinforce her self-reliance. When she does do something herself instead of demanding you do it, be quick to offer appropriate accolades.

Recognize that the desire to run the show may be a part of your child’s natural temperament. You won’t be able to—and wouldn’t want to—eliminate this trait, but you can help her to develop it in a positive way by teaching her leadership skills, empathy, fairness, and good manners.

“Whenever our son plays with his friend, he bosses him around. The other kid doesn’t seem to mind it, but we do. Bossiness seems like such an undesirable personality trait.”

For some toddlers, having a playmate around who’ll let you call the shots presents an opportunity to play the power game. And they’ll play it to the hilt—choosing the game, making up the rules, taking the dominant role in every scenario (“I’m the mommy, you’re the baby”; “I’m the doctor, you’re the sick person”). There are several possible reasons for bossy behavior in a toddler, including:
A sense of powerlessness
. Some toddlers compensate for the lack of power they feel by wielding power over others. Bossing around peers helps make up for their being bossed around by adults and older siblings.
Lack of social skills
. Not yet knowing how to behave with others their own age often contributes to bossiness.
Egocentricity
. At this age, many toddlers still haven’t grasped the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that others have rights.
Natural temperament
. Some toddlers are born leaders, and early bossiness can be seen as an expression of that tendency.

Whatever the reasons behind your toddler’s bossy behavior, you won’t be able to change it by fiat or brute force. If it’s due to toddlerhood rather than temperament, it’s likely to be as transient as the toddler characteristics that cause it. If it’s due to temperament, it’s likely to persist. But you can ensure that a naturally bossy child turns out to be a leader rather than an obnoxiously bossy adult by nourishing his self-esteem, teaching him social skills and good manners, encouraging turn taking, empathy for others, and cooperation at play dates. (See the subjects individually for tips on how to do this.)

“We often tease our daughter in fun, and she seems to enjoy it. But a friend said that teasing could hurt a child’s self-esteem. Is this true?”

Some children do indeed feel undermined by even the most playful kidding, but others delight in a good tease. If your child seems to relish the ribbing, there’s no reason to deny either of you the fun it generates. As long as teasing is good-natured and not harsh or hurtful, it can actually be beneficial—nurturing a child’s sense of humor and preparing her to tolerate teasing later on in life.

Right now, take your cues from your toddler when dishing out the kidding. Be
sensitive to her reactions, and know when to quit (
before
she’s upset or confused). Keep in mind, too, that small children often take what is said very literally. If you say it’s raining “cats and dogs,” she might expect to see puppies and kittens falling from the sky, and if you say, “Oh, you told a fib. Your nose is going to grow like Pinocchio’s,” she might expect to see twigs and a bird’s nest projecting from her face. The teasing should be gentle, too. What you see as subtle humor, a toddler may take for a humiliating put-down. And since it’s important for a toddler to feel secure in your love and approval, avoid excessive or careless teasing, which can threaten that security.

“Often, when I tell my son to do something or not to do something, he totally ignores me—pretends not even to hear me. I end up screaming at him, something I don’t want to do.”

Actions speak louder than words, particularly when you’re dealing with toddlers who aren’t listening. There are several reasons why a toddler may tune out his parents: For one, they may talk too much in general, or—when trying to get a point across—may sermonize and editorialize until the toddler has little choice but to switch off his audio in self-defense. For another, tuning out can be a toddler’s way of avoiding conflict. If he ignores the reprimand when he’s just knocked over a pitcher of water, it’s as if there isn’t one; hear no evil and there is no evil. For still another, not listening can be a toddler’s way of testing parental authority and his own autonomy; it’s not only enlightening but entertaining for him to see how many times Mommy or Daddy can repeat themselves (“Aren’t you listening? I told you three times to pick up those blocks!”) and how angry he can make them get. And, finally, sometimes children become so engrossed in a game or focused on perfecting a skill that they literally block out all background noise—including their parents’ voices. They really
don’t
hear. (Occasionally, however, a child who seems to have a listening problem really does have a hearing problem; see page 488 for how to assess it.)