What to Expect the Toddler Years (12 page)

Milk allergy, which seems to affect about 12% of infants, is usually outgrown by the end of the second year, though a small percentage of children continue to have trouble with milk beyond that time. Children who are allergic to milk generally cannot tolerate
any
milk or milk products. They nevertheless require the calcium that milk provides for healthy growth. This calcium can come from a soy milk that is fortified with calcium or from calcium-fortified orange juice. Goat’s milk may also work for a child who is allergic to cow’s milk. And there are a variety of other calcium-rich foods (see page 506) that can supplement your toddler’s diet. Discuss the options with her doctor so that together you can make certain that your toddler’s diet isn’t deficient in calcium or in milk’s other major nutrients, including protein, phosphorus, vitamin D, and riboflavin. Also see page 355.

“After just a few bites or sips, my toddler invariably throws her bowl on the floor or turns her glass over. I can’t stand the mess anymore.”

The only sure way to avoid a toddler’s mealtime mess is to withhold all food and drink. That being an impossible (if tempting) solution, you’ll have to find ways of minimizing this behavior. Try using the sleight-of-hand measures recommended in the next section for dealing with food blowing, as well as the following techniques:

Rationing.
Many children feel free to squander food when a rich bounty is set before them, so place just a few bites of food in front of your child at a time. Add a few more as those are consumed.

Distraction.
Using a spoon to feed herself may occupy your toddler’s attention so much that she won’t feel compelled to overturn her bowl or throw tidbits to the dog. Or try substituting an acceptable game for the objectionable one: “You take a bite of your cereal and then I’ll take a bite of mine.”

Fastening.
Use a child’s bowl that can be attached to the table or high chair tray with suction cups so that your toddler can’t whisk the bowl over the side.

Bouquets.
Praise your toddler when she’s (relatively) neat and make little fuss over her little messes. When the little messes lead to total mealtime mayhem, end the meal.

Though you can’t always prevent your toddler from making a mess when she eats, you can reduce some of the work the mess spells for you. Spread some newspaper or a sheet of plastic under her high chair and seat her as far away from walls and nonwashable furniture as possible. To protect her clothing, roll up her sleeves and cover her with an over-the-shoulder large bib. If she balks at the bib, dress her for meals in her most dispensable clothes (or, if the temperature permits, no clothes at all). You may also want to try putting thick terry-like hair bands around her wrists to keep food from trickling down the forearm to clothing (some children will love this novel idea, others reject it out of hand).

If your stomach turns during your toddler’s mealtime, turn the other way (wash some dishes, peel carrots, fold laundry). But look back frequently to make sure she’s still eating, and that she hasn’t gotten herself into any trouble.

“My toddler has developed the habit of blowing his food out as soon as I put it in his mouth. He seems to enjoy the sounds he makes. This habit has left me frustrated (not to mention covered with food). I’ve tried saying ‘no’ to him firmly, but he laughs and then I can’t help laughing too.”

Nothing brings out the ham in a young performer like an appreciative audience. And, in this case, nothing brings out the oatmeal, junior carrots, and yogurt like one either. At six and seven months of age, babies love to make razzing sounds. Your son’s messy habit probably began around this age, when he happened to notice what an intriguing sound he could make by combining razzing and eating. It’s likely that this behavior continues because of the reaction it elicits from you. Any reaction, whether it’s an angry “No!” or a half-suppressed
giggle, signals the toddler that his old material still works—and, as is the case with any comic, as long as it’s working he’ll keep on using it.

To keep the show from going on indefinitely, try these measures:

Change the props.
Certain foods lend themselves better to dramatic expulsion than others. Trade in such squishy items as strained fruits and vegetables, baby cereal, and yogurt. Instead, opt for slivers of banana and pieces of well-cooked carrot or sweet potato, healthy teething biscuits, a whole-grain bagel, soft whole-grain bread, and tiny tidbits of sliced cheese. (If you’re abandoning iron-fortified baby cereal, be sure to ask your doctor about giving your toddler a vitamin supplement containing iron.) With the source of that wonderfully resonant sound-and-splatter effect elusive, much of your blower’s motivation may disappear. If your toddler objects because you withdrew a favorite food, explain your reason. Tell him he can have it again if he doesn’t blow it, but if he does you will take it away again.

Stage a one-man show.
The added responsibility and fun of feeding himself, if he isn’t already doing this, may so engage your toddler that he will lose interest in his old tricks. Admittedly, self-feeding takes longer and is often messier than adult-piloted feeding time, but your toddler’s got to take this developmental step one of these days, anyway. Just make sure that everything you offer is safe to eat. Steer clear of all chokables (such as hot dogs, peanuts and other nuts, popcorn, raisins, and similar items).

Let him play to an empty house.
If he doesn’t have an audience, your child won’t get as much satisfaction out of performing and may not feel compelled to perform at all. Put his food in front of him, then busy yourself in the same room. If you hear a razz, don’t turn around. If you accidentally catch him in the act, don’t blink an eye and certainly don’t smirk.

Bring down the curtain.
When he blows, he needs to know he’s blown it. With a poker-straight face, give him a simple, firm warning, “No blowing.” If the blowing continues, repeat, “No blowing,” and add, “If you play with your food, I’ll have to take it away.” The third time he razzes, remove the meal promptly. Even if your toddler doesn’t completely understand your words, he’ll soon get your meaning.

“I know I’m supposed to let my daughter feed herself so she can gain experience. But I really hate the mess she makes and I always end up taking her spoon away from her.”

If a toddler with a spoon (or a fork or a bowl or a plate) can be considered armed and dangerous, you’re going to have to learn how to live dangerously. There’s no denying that disarming her and taking full control of the feeding process will bring any meal to a close more speedily, more efficiently, and much, much more neatly. But for a toddler, eating is not an exercise in speed, efficiency, and neatness. In addition to providing her with some nourishment, eating is an important learning experience—but only if she has the chance to feed herself.

So though she obviously isn’t emulating Miss Manners as she smears, crushes, flings, and shovels food toward her mouth, self-feeding—like so many other messy activities in a toddler’s life—is something parents have to grin
(or grimace) and bear. In the long run, your forbearance will pay off; your toddler will become a child who is a competent self-feeder. Until that happy day dawns, however, the tips in the two previous questions on containing the mess may help. So may offering foods that stick to the spoon, not just to the ribs. Sticky foods are more likely to complete the journey from plate to mouth than foods that can easily be flung where they may. Try mashed potatoes, cottage cheese (the kind that isn’t runny), chunky applesauce, oatmeal. It may also help to give your toddler some opportunity every day to play with interesting materials (such as finger paint, water, bubbles, sand, play clay). This may lessen (at least, somewhat) her need to experiment with food at mealtimes.

“My daughter seems too dependent on me. Every time I begin to leave the room, she starts to cry. If I turn my attention to something else, even if it’s in the same room, she starts pulling at my leg and complaining.”

To a parent, it’s confusing: Just when your child should be needing you less and less, she seems to need you more than ever. She appears eager to step out on her own, but pulls back as soon as she feels any pressure to be self-sufficient. Yet to a young toddler, torn between dependence and independence, between striking out on her own and staying safely by your side, this ambivalence makes perfect sense.

It’s somewhat flattering to know that even as your daughter’s universe expands, you’re still the center of it. But it’s also something of a burden—as every parent who has tried to get things done with a leg weighed down by a twenty-pound anchor and a conscience weighed down by plaintive sobs knows. And you’re not the only one hampered: Your toddler can’t accomplish as much, either—physically, emotionally, socially, or developmentally—when she’s clinging to you.

Torn between a craving for independence and a fear of it, most toddlers still need the sense of security that comes from clinging to a parent.

During this sometimes difficult transitional age, you’ll need to walk a fine line between providing too much comfort and security and providing too little; between giving her all the support she needs to grow and stifling her growth by overprotecting her. She won’t learn to let go overnight—it’s a process that
begins at birth and continues throughout childhood, adolescence, and young adult-hood—but given lots of loving encouragement, she will begin loosening her hold on your leg and start making strides away from your side. Help pave the way for those strides with the following tips:

Reassure about your return.
Some children this age still worry that when a loved one is out of sight, they’re gone for good. Games that teach object permanence (the concept that an object still exists even when it’s no longer in sight) may help take some of that uncertainty away—especially if you’re the object. Play peek-a-boo with your toddler. Duck behind the door to the next room (or, if that’s too upsetting for her, behind the sofa or a chair in the room she’s in). Next ask, “Where am I?” And then poke your smiling face out and say, “Here I am!” Over the period of a week or so, gradually extend hiding time from a few seconds to half a minute to a full minute or two.

To maintain comforting contact while you’re out of view, talk to your toddler (“Where did Mommy go? Where could she be?”) or sing a silly ditty (such as “Where is Mommy? Where is Mommy? Where’d she go? Where’d she go? Where’s your loving Mommy? Where’s your loving Mommy? Here she is! Here she is!” to the tune of “Frère Jacques”). If, at first, your toddler seems unduly unnerved by this game, try hiding only your face (behind your hands, a napkin, a book) or only part of your body (behind a curtain or a door), or try hiding a teddy bear or doll instead of yourself. When your toddler starts to feel comfortable with your disappearing act, encourage her to play the game, too. Keep in mind that although it’s important to foster independence, you should never leave a young toddler alone in a room—unless she has been safely deposited in a play yard or crib she can’t climb out of. If you want your toddler to get used to staying in a room without you, do that only when another adult (or responsible child over 5) is with her.

Make time for togetherness . . .
Paradoxically, the more attention your toddler gets, the less she’s likely to crave. Spending plenty of time with her—singing songs, reading books, sharing tea parties, building block towers, creating collages—will eventually help her feel more secure and thus more able to spend time without you. Be sure, too, that there is plenty of physical contact during the course of the day—hugs, kisses, lap sitting, and so on.

. . . but don’t overdo it.
If you are a constantly hovering presence, you may prevent your toddler from developing independence and learning to play by herself. Start to encourage her to play independently.

Set her up.
Before you walk away from your toddler (even if you’re just walking to the other side of the same room), get her interested in an activity that will (hopefully) occupy her for the brief time you’re otherwise occupied (“Why don’t you feed your teddy while I make lunch?”)

Keep in touch.
Talk to her occasionally while you work; reach over and pat her head or help her fit a difficult shape into the shape-sorter.

Keep it casual.
Sometimes parents unwittingly communicate their own feelings of anxiety to their children. Whenever you leave your toddler’s side, do it with a convincing smile on your face and a light tone in your voice.

Stay cool when she’s not.
If your toddler starts to unravel when you step away from her, don’t react with annoyance (“It makes me so mad when you do that!”) or with pity (“Oh, you poor thing—I’m right here!”). Instead, try not to react at all. And don’t let her reaction deter you from your mission. Nonchalantly say, “It’s okay. I’ll be right
back.” Though she may not comprehend all the words initially, she’s likely to find reassurance in your calm tone. Return with an equally casual, “Here I am, I’m back. Did you have fun?” and she will soon begin to catch on that when you leave, you always come back—as promised. Use the same phrases each time you leave and come back, and your toddler should eventually begin to feel more secure in your comings and goings.