What to Expect the Toddler Years (14 page)

Don’t be sneaky. Though it may be tempting to slip out of the house when your toddler’s not looking or fast asleep—just to avoid a scene—don’t. It’ll only make him more guarded and insecure next time you try to leave. Instead, develop a “leaving” ritual that will build your toddler’s confidence (see box).

Hold the guilt. If you’re leaving your toddler in good hands, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt serves no constructive
purpose in such a situation and can intensify a child’s separation anxiety by giving him the impression that your leaving him is somehow wrong.

Check your own anxieties. Young children pick up parental anxieties like radar. Be aware that any reluctance you may feel about leaving your toddler is transmitted to him through the expression on your face, your body language, and your tone of voice. If he picks up your anxieties, your toddler’s fears will be reinforced. (“If Mommy’s feeling sad about leaving me, there must be something wrong with her leaving.”) Appearing ambivalent about your departure can also make your child feel guilty later on should he begin having a good time in your absence. See page 24 for tips on dealing with your anxieties.

Remember that separation anxiety won’t last forever. Children eventually learn to separate from their parents without a fuss, and sometimes, you may be sorry to hear, with great pleasure. When your once clingy toddler becomes a self-reliant ten-year-old, you’ll likely think wistfully of the days when he was reluctant to leave your side.

Don’t let yourself be controlled by your child’s crying, even if it reaches hysteria. One of the tough lessons to be learned in childhood is that you can’t get everything you want by crying. Help your toddler start learning that lesson now by taking your leave as planned, even if he protests vigorously. But be sure that you’ve taken the steps outlined here and below to gradually accustom your child to being left with someone else.

If the baby-sitter reports that your toddler screams regularly for most or all of the time you’re away, if he refuses to go near the baby-sitter, or if he shows other signs of tension (sleep problems, anxiety), perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your child-care situation (see page 822).

“Believe it or not, to this point we have not left our daughter with anyone outside our family. We’d like to get a baby-sitter so we can go out together as a couple occasionally, but we’re worried about how our child will react.”

Your child may react to being left in the hands of a baby-sitter more positively than you imagine. Having spent the first year of her life in the security of her parents’ company, she may not find it very difficult to give up that company once in a while—once she adjusts to the idea. The following plan should help with that adjustment:

First, start preparing your toddler. Vary the company she keeps. Expose her, in your presence, to other adults and children—in your home, at the playground, in a neighbor’s home. Accustom her to separating from you when you’re at home (see page 19) before working up to more significant separations.

Second, find a baby-sitter. See page 820 for tips on choosing a baby-sitter. You will want someone who is patient, understanding, reliable, responsive, and loving under the most trying conditions. Make it clear that your toddler’s never been left with a caregiver before, and that the going may be rough at first: Hire a baby-sitter who’s not put off by the prospect of having to weather a few stormy evenings.

Next, orient the caregiver. Spend at least an hour telling her about your toddler. Show her how you diaper her, how you calm her when she cries. Make a list of her favorite storybooks, toys, food, drinks, comfort habits, and rituals.

Then, get baby-sitter and toddler together. If you’re concerned about your
child’s reaction to being left alone, it may be worth paying for one or two practice sessions to familiarize her with her new caregiver, and vice versa. Have the baby-sitter come to the house and play with your child, or read her a story—while you look on. Then busy yourself with a task that doesn’t involve your toddler, but stay in the room. When your child and the baby-sitter seem to be getting along well, go into another room. After a few minutes, return. Then leave again periodically, increasing the number of minutes you remain out of the room each time, building up to half an hour or more. If your toddler screams when she’s left alone with the baby-sitter—even with you still in the house—start out more slowly, allowing your toddler to get to know the caregiver from the security of your lap before trying to edge your way out of the picture. Remain calm, supportive, and reassuring throughout the process.