What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (5 page)

I drained the can in about ten seconds and headed to the shower. I felt greasy and dirty after missing my shower that morning, but as I scrubbed soap all over my body, I realized I felt dirty because of what I’d done to Julianne. I may have just fucked things up for her, and as much as I had been hurting, deep down I knew that revenge wouldn’t make me feel any better. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but that grimy feeling just wouldn’t go away.

After my shower, I shaved the hair that had been growing on my face for a week. I looked in the mirror for a minute. I looked better, but my lack of sleep had taken its toll on my eyes. They were bloodshot and had dark bags under them. I needed sleep, but the only sleep I’d managed to get over the past week was either in the early hours of the morning or because I’d passed out. And drunken sleep wasn’t good sleep.

I pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and found my flip flops. I took a walk to the pharmacy around the corner from my building to stock up on some sleep aids. I was willing to try anything at that point.

I roamed the aisle for a minute, checking out my options. I was just comparing the merits of ZzzQuil versus Advil PM when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around.

“Brooke.”
My ex. The girl I had dumped for a shot with Julianne.

I gave her a quick hug, pulling back before I sent the wrong signal.

“Hey, Trav.” She was wearing short shorts and a sweatshirt, and she looked beautiful.

“You look gorgeous,” I said.

“You look… like shit. A hot mess.” Her sad eyes had a touch of vindication in them.

“Thanks for the honesty,” I said dryly, feeling a little insulted considering I’d just cleaned myself up.

“What’s been going on?”

I shook my head. “Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answers to.”

She pursed her lips. Those luscious lips. I thought back to exactly what she could do with those lips, and my main man TJ twitched back to life again. “Are you back together with her?” she asked, distracting me from those thoughts. It wouldn’t do anybody any good anyway.

I almost repeated my advice about asking questions, but I figured she’d get some sort of pleasure out of my honest response. “No.”

“Good.” She gestured to the products in my hands. “Losing sleep over it?”

I shrugged.
“Maybe.”

“I’ve got a cure for that.”

I knew what kind of cure she could give me.

I almost gave in.

Almost.

But then I thought back to the girl at the bar whose name I couldn’t remember, and I knew I’d only feel worse if I hooked up with Brooke. I couldn’t lead her on anymore.
I’d already hooked up with her once since we’d broken up, and giving into the obvious sexual connection we shared wouldn’t be productive. She was a nice girl who deserved to be treated better than I would be able to treat her at the moment.

I smiled at her, but I knew the smile didn’t reach my eyes. I wasn’t in a place yet where I could genuinely smile at someone.

“I’m moving to San Diego,” I said.

A flash of disappointment crossed her face, but she covered it well. I had a feeling she was hoping we’d find our way back to each other, but my moving to a different state threw a wrench in those plans.

“When?” she finally asked.

“This weekend.”

“Why?”

“You know why.” She shrugged, and I was certain that some part of her was glad that I was hurting after the way I’d ended things with her. “I’m sorry about what happened with us,” I said, and I meant it.

“Oh.” That was all she could manage, and she seemed surprised at my apology.

“Really, Brooke.”
I set the sleep aids back on the shelf and pulled her into my arms. I pressed my hands against her back. She felt good, familiar, and she smelled great.

“Are we really doing this here? In the middle of Walgreens?” she asked. Tears filled her eyes.

“It looks like we are.” I kissed her forehead. “I’ll miss you.”

“I already miss you.” She leaned up and planted a brief kiss on my lips.

“I know.” I did. We had a lot of fun together, but I had to end it with her when things started heading into serious territory. I knew I couldn’t go there when someone else was in my heart. And now that heart was shattered, and it would be a long time before I was in a place where I could even consider giving it to someone else. If ever.

“Want to grab a drink?” she
finally asked.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Why not?” she challenged.

“Because I know where it’ll end up.
And I don’t think that’s something that would be healthy for either of us.” I felt a sense of redemption for being so strong after the way I’d treated the random BJ in the A girl from the bar. It was unusual for me to turn down any opportunity that could lead to sex, but I knew that it would be a horrible mistake for Brook and me to go there again.

She nodded. “You’re right.”

I smiled sadly at her and picked up the Advil PM again.

“Keep in touch, Trav.”

“You too, B. Take care.”

I headed to the register without looking back and paid for my sleep aids, and then I made a beeline for my apartment before I changed my mind.

CHAPTER 3

Thursday morning was a little better because the Advil PM had done its job. It was the first good night’s sleep I’d had in over a week, and I awoke feeling refreshed after nine full hours.

My good friend sleep was back, and I had missed the fuck out of it.

I got out of bed and poured a bowl of cereal, opting for a can of Dr. Pepper with my breakfast because I didn’t have time to make coffee. My phone buzzed with a text from my mom:
 
R U coming for dinner Saturday?

My parents held a standing Saturday dinner at their house. They held it early so
my sister and I could still go out and live our lives, but if we were in town and didn’t have plans, we were invited every week for dinner. Usually we went swimming in my parents’ enormous pool (heated in the winter), even more so since Liz had the boys. She had taken them for swimming lessons, and at three and five, they had both become little fish. Their favorite activity was to jump from the deck onto their uncle in the water. I usually left bruised and exhausted but smiling from an afternoon with my family.

I texted her back.
That’s the plan.

It was my last Saturday in Arizona before the big move, and I needed to say goodbye to my family. That was going to be the toughest part about moving to a different state.

I dragged myself through work, feeling like the hot mess that Brooke had dubbed me. While I was more awake and less shaky than I had been in a week, I also had the ability to think a bit more clearly, and I didn’t really care for the thinking material that provided me. I tried to forget about it and focus on my work, but Jules was always there, lurking in the back of my mind.

I was stuck on the “why” phase of my broken heart, which I hoped meant I was getting closer to moving on. Why had she chosen Nick over me? Why wasn’t I good enough for her? Why was I in love with someone who didn’t want me back?

Friday was more of the same, but it was my last day at the office before the big move. That meant talking to a lot of colleagues and passing off my projects. I would have new things to accomplish in San Diego, and I couldn’t take my Arizona projects with me to California.

The secretaries pulled together a big lunch in my honor. It cheered me up some, especially because they ordered pizza from my favorite place. They gave me a case of beer and a Starbucks gift card, and they had taken a group picture and signed a card for me. It was very nice, but I hated being the center of attention. It just wasn’t my style; I was more laid back and behind the scenes.

I had left my phone in my office during the lunch, and when I returned, I checked to see if I had any messages.

I had one.
From Julianne.
Jamie had the baby. It’s a girl – Hadley Rose.

And it all came crashing back over me.

I needed a fucking drink.

I was happy for the
Beckers. They were family to my family, and I was excited for a baby girl in my extended family after all of the boys. She would be a spoiled little princess.

But, unfortunately, I wouldn’t be the one spoiling her.

The thought depressed me, and I couldn’t summon up the strength to reply to Jules’s text.

I’d hold out for Liz to tell me, and then I’d send
my congrats through her. I still wasn’t in a place where I was ready to deal with Julianne.

My day came to a close, and I spent most of my time after lunch packing up my office. I had accumulated quite the number of books on architecture and design over the years that looked pretty cool on my office bookshelves. Mike and Bill helped me get the books down to my
Chevy Silverado, and then I grabbed my portfolio of designs and saved my files to a flash drive. And then I was out.

Mike and Bill had also volunteered to help me pack up my apartment onto the
U-Haul, but, more importantly, they had volunteered to take me out to get me fucked up two more times while they still had me in Arizona.

So Friday night found us on the prowl. Or, more accurately, my buddies were on the prowl while they worked to get me drunk enough to forget.

And they succeeded.

We headed to Mahogany, the same place I had gone for New Year
’s Eve a little over a month earlier. While the place immediately reminded me of Jules, I had to admit that it was an awesome bar with a great vibe. The bar was, obviously, made from mahogany, and that’s where Bill, Mike, and I had settled in on three barstools with me in the middle.

“Barkeep!”
Mike yelled obnoxiously over the dance music that pumped from the sound system. The male bartender looked over at him and then proceeded to totally ignore him. Bill pulled out a twenty and waved it around, and the bartender made his way over.

“What’re you having?” he asked.

“Three shots of Jaeger,” Bill said.

The bartender looked at him. “You’re
gonna need more than twenty bucks for three shots.”

Bill glanced over at us, and then he took his wallet out to provide more money while the bartender poured our drinks.

He passed the drinks across the bar to us. “Twenty-four,” he said to Bill.

“Fuck,” Bill said. He looked at me. “Eight bucks for a shot?”

I shrugged while he paid, and then the three of us toasted. “To getting fucked up,” Mike said, and we cheered and threw back the Jaeger.

A hundred bucks later, the three of us were feeling good and drunk when three ladies walked up to the bar to order their drinks. I checked each of them out from behind since their backs were to us, and after they placed their orders, they turned their attention to my friends and me. Each one of them focused on one of us, as if they had
some sort of pre-arranged deal. It wasn’t my first time playing that particular game, and I somehow found myself incredibly drawn to the hottest one, the one whose attention was on me.

I gasped for breath as I gazed down the length of her petite, tight body and briefly thought that she could easily help me get over Jules. I frowned at the random thought.

She had dark hair and dark eyes, and she was short – a full foot shorter than me at least, if not more. She was Jules’s exact opposite in almost every way. Jules was tall with flowing blond hair and beautiful blue eyes while this woman was short with dark hair cut in a blunt style that fell just above her shoulders and dark, exotic eyes that I could get lost in.

In fact, I think I was already lost in them.

“Hey, tiger,” she opened.

It was an interesting opener, but I was a few shots of Jaeger into my night and she was sexy, so I didn’t give a fuck. But even in my alcohol-induced haze, I knew I couldn’t take this gorgeous girl anywhere past that night.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I said, grinning at her, still trying to catch my breath as I wondered what the hell had just hit me.

“Want to dance?” she asked.

I didn’t. I wasn’t much of a dancer, but I would have done just about anything to get close to her. It was like some magnet drew me to her, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. But, paradoxically, just looking at her made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

She was the opposite of everything I usually went for, but I had a sudden image of her naked body writhing
under mine as my name escaped her lips on a moan.

So I nodded, and she took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. A sexy, sultry Justin Timberlake song came on, and I found myself grinding against this woman, more turned on than I had been in a long time. She could move. She was a great dancer, and she made me feel like I was a great dancer, too, even though I seriously lacked any semblance of rhythm.
Except, of course, after I had a few drinks in me. Then I was a fucking rockstar on the dance floor. She thrashed around wildly to the music in a sexy way that revved up my man TJ, and I couldn’t help but visualize once again what sex with her would be like. The way she moved against me told me that it would be spectacular.