What Endures (34 page)

He felt his defenses slip away completely then. All the feelings between them coupled with the realization that this could well be the last time he would see her, for who knows how long. Instinctively, he reached for her.

“Megan.” She looked back up with tear-filled eyes. Wordlessly, he drew her into his arms. She didn't hesitate, stepping into his embrace and wrapping her arms around his waist. 

They stood there, holding each other for long moments. Neither said anything, for words didn’t seem to help them much these days. And he didn’t need to hear the words, because he already knew. And somehow, despite the anger, pain, and sadness, his heart still harbored that shred of hope.

"Hey man.” He turned to see Tyler walking slowly up to him. He nodded in greeting as he hopped off the bleachers. Tyler stopped a few feet away from him. "What's up?”

He turned back to Tyler. “Just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“She’s doing good, man.”

He smiled at Tyler’s preemptive answer. “I'm glad, but I wanted to talk about something else actually.”

“Sure.” Tyler agreed, although his voice was cautious.

"I know we weren’t close until later, but um, after Megan and I split, did you and me, did we talk?”

Tyler was clearly surprised by his question. “What do you mean talk? You mean about Megan?”

"Yeah.”

Tyler sighed and climbed up to the top of the bleachers, propping his feet on the lower bench. Jason remained standing, watching his brother carefully. “Well, you and I were having some issues around the time you and Megan split up.”

“Why?”

“Mostly ‘cause our family’s fucked up and sometimes, it’s just hard to get a handle on it all.” Tyler grimaced. "But more specifically, we were two nineteen year old, testosterone-fueled idiots who were having personal issues and it was easy to take it out on each other."

“It sounds like we were assholes,” he said with a straight face.

Tyler laughed. "Oh yeah, we were." 

"So we didn't talk?"

Tyler sighed. “Actually, we did talk. At least we started to again after you came to see me.”

“When?”

“After I moved to California.” Tyler smiled slightly. “You were the last person I expected to see at my dorm.”

"Why did I go see you then?"

"You wanted to kick my ass for hurting Megan. Apparently she was really upset that I had decided to, in her words, run away and you were there when she was venting about me." Tyler shot him a sidelong glance. "And you never missed a chance to point out what a fuck-up I was."

“Anyway,” Tyler continued. “You just showed up out of the clear blue sky, told me I needed to talk to her. I figured we were going to have it out right then and there. All that suppressed hostility had to blow eventually.” Tyler chuckled. “I really thought we'd both end up in jail or something.” Tyler turned back and looked at him squarely in the eyes. “Then, in your unique way, after you had finished telling me off, you asked me for advice."

“About Megan?”

“No, about baseball,” Tyler replied. “You didn’t really want to talk about Megan, aside from telling me what a failure as a friend I was, or rather you couldn’t.” Tyler gave him a sympathetic smile. “I could tell you really wanted to talk about her, but you didn’t know how. And I didn’t know how to let you.” Tyler shrugged. “It didn’t really matter anyway, because we did talk about her in a roundabout way.”

He paused, wondering if he should just come out and ask Tyler what he wanted to know. He sincerely liked his brother, and in the months since his coma, their bond had been strengthened. Even if he couldn’t remember how he had gotten to this point with Tyler, he could honestly say that he was glad they were now at this point. “What about baseball?” he asked, deciding that if the roundabout way worked last time, it could work again now.

“You wanted to know how I quit and never looked back.” Tyler stared at the dusty home plate. “Bruce had been pressuring me so much that I finally quit.” He sighed. “But it was different for you. Bruce was only my stepfather, and he wasn't even that any longer since he and my mom had divorced by then. But you were his son and your mom wasn't around so all you had was him wanting to restore his legacy through you. Him wanting to get rid of his regrets through you." Tyler shook his head. "That's not something that's easy to live with, or even walk away from."

Tyler gave him a wry smile. "I always thought baseball was too easy for you. That you had it too easy, with all that natural talent. Turns out, it was actually harder for you, but only because of everyone else’s expectations.”

“I didn’t get that until that morning,” Tyler continued, his expression almost wistful as he remembered that day. “You love this game, man. We both do. But for you, deep down, it’s always been just a game. You could live without it if you had to. It was everyone else, including Megan, thinking it was your life that made it hard for you."

He took a moment to process Tyler’s words. He knew Tyler was right. But then, why would he. . .? “Was I happy playing ball in college?"

Tyler narrowed his eyes, his expression thoughtful. “You’ve always liked playing this game, and I mean that in the simplest way, just playing it. Hitting the ball, fielding, even goofing around with your teammates, you’ve always loved that. We both did.”  Tyler smiled briefly. “Were you happy? You never actually said anything to me about it but it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

He looked at his brother, understanding. He shook his head. “So if I wasn’t happy, if I didn’t want to deal with anything beyond the act of playing baseball, why’d I go back? Why’d I stay on that track?”

"'It’s all I’ve got now.’”

“What?”

Tyler sighed softly. “I asked you the same thing that morning.” He shrugged. “I figured since we were currently in a ceasefire, it’d be a good time to ask those kinds of questions. And that’s what you said. . .’it’s all I’ve got now.’”

He nodded. Tyler was just confirming what he had suspected. Baseball had been a substitute.

"You were wrong, though,” Tyler said softly. “It wasn’t all you had. It never was. It still isn’t.”

They lapsed into silence as he pondered Tyler’s words. Even if he couldn't remember his college or pro career, he knew that baseball wasn’t the be-all and end-all of his life. But everyone else seemed to care so much that he didn’t know where it fitted in the grand scheme of things. Since Megan had returned to Seattle, he had been doing a lot of thinking, but it hadn't really gotten him anywhere. . .except more confused.

"Hey,” Tyler said, drawing his attention back to him. “Are you going to quit?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.”

"Whatever you decide, it’ll be the right decision.”

He sighed, walking over and sitting down next to Tyler on the bleacher. “How do you know? I sure as hell don’t.”

Tyler looked like he was deciding on whether or not to tell him something. Finally, he expelled a long, slow breath. “At the end of the day, it’s just a game. You knew that even back then, even when you were playing for the wrong reasons.”

"The wrong reasons?”

“See, when you told me you were playing only because it was all you had left, I said the same thing, that it wasn’t. That you know, if you tried to work things out with Megan, it could work. ‘Cause look at us. We were talking instead of beating each other senseless right? But you said you couldn’t, that you wouldn’t.” Tyler shook his head. “At first I thought it was your pride talking you know? And I called you on it. Predictably, you wanted to beat my ass, but then you told me something that not only made me understand what you meant, but made me forget all the stupid shit between us.”

“What?”

“You were doing it for Megan. At first I thought you meant because that’s what she wanted for you, ‘cause I know she was pushing you to go back to baseball, but it was something else.” Tyler sighed. “Look, man, I don’t know if telling you this is going to make things worse for you or you know, confuse you more."

“Tell me,” he commanded quietly.

“You were playing baseball because you knew it would make things easier for Megan. You told me that she would feel guilty otherwise, and you didn’t want that for her.” Tyler turned and looked at him. “You knew. I mean you knew she was pushing you back to baseball because she didn’t want you to end up like your father, so you did it. You didn’t agree with her, but you did it. You thought that if you were successful, then it’d make things easier for her, maybe lessen the guilt."

Tyler shrugged. "I mean you liked playing, don't get me wrong. And you enjoyed the perks but you could have walked away at any time and never looked back." Tyler bumped his shoulder with a fist. "It was always just a game. No one ever saw that but you, which might explain why you were so good at it."

Tyler chuckled. “And you were good. You blazed your way through college, man. Remember those clippings we showed you before the press conference? That was like a third of it. You won every award imaginable. You were one of the best collegiate players not only at Florida State, but in the country."

“Funny thing is, the more successful you were, the less happy you seemed. I mean after our talk that morning, we started growing close again and I would visit you at times, and you usually came home during winter and summer breaks, even if it was just for a short while and you were doing good but not really happy.” Tyler smiled wryly. “It’s so ironic. Everyone, and I mean everyone, me included, thought that playing baseball was your destiny.” Tyler looked at him. “It wasn't. Just like you playing it for the wrong reasons didn't make you happy, and it didn’t ease Megan’s guilt any less.”

"I don't know what to do," Jason said softly, staring out at the field.

Tyler nodded. “Look, baseball has been dodging you for most of your life. You’ve quit and come back, but for the wrong reasons. That’s the thing about life, it has a way of making you deal with your issues no matter how often you try and run away from them.” A look of understanding passed between them. “If you quit this time, or come back, do it for the right reasons this time. Do it for you.”

"Megan said the same thing."

"Megan's smart," Tyler said with a smile. "She was the one who told me to man up and deal with my issues, to stop running away."

“Did you? Deal with your issues?”

Tyler chuckled. “I'm a work in progress, man. Let's say I'm trying.”

Another look of understanding passed between them as they lapsed into silence. Jason considered Tyler’s words. “You have a chance,” Tyler said, quietly breaking their silence. “I said this to Megan a while back. I told her maybe your accident was a blessing in disguise." Tyler held up his hands. "Don't get me wrong. It would be better if that had never happened but it did. But now you have a clean slate. So you can do things right, without all the past stuff muddling things you know? Bruce and the quasi family we have, that's always going to be fucked up. But it doesn't have to affect us unless we let it. And Megan. . .” Tyler sighed. “Megan’s a fucking saint for putting up with the two of us. But she's always going to love you, man. No matter what you decide."

“So don’t worry about any of that stuff." Tyler waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about what people expect of you. Or Bruce. Or the media. It's all bullshit. Do what is right for you. This is your chance."

He sighed. It made sense, and seemed so easy. But it really wasn’t. “If only it were that easy.”

"I know.” Tyler looked at him sympathetically. “It sounds easy and it’s easy to say it ‘cause I didn’t lose all those memories. It’s easy to give advice from the peanut gallery.” Tyler gave him a deprecating smile. “Unsolicited advice is the easiest thing in the world to give. But I’ve seen you and Megan go through so much to still get dogged by the same issues. This family. Baseball. What you each think the other wants or needs.” Tyler shook his head. “It’s like you two had this whole
Gift of the Magi
thing going on.”

At his confused expression, Tyler explained, “It’s a story about how two people sacrificed the wrong things for each other and in the end, that wasn’t what mattered. And that’s what you and Megan did. She pushed you away because she thought it was what you needed and you let her go because you thought that was what she needed and it wasn’t. In a way, you’ve been doing it all over again. I mean she didn’t tell you about the past because she wanted to protect you, and thought she was doing what was best for you.”

“And I know you’ve been holding back from her because you don’t want to face that possibility.” Tyler sighed. “Look, baseball, this family, your memory loss. . .that's all important but don’t use it as a reason or excuse to be with each other. Or to not be with each other. You’ve done that before and it ended badly."

“The last three years, you guys were actually starting to get it right." Tyler smiled. "Everything seemed to be falling into place. Who knows? Maybe without the accident, you and Megan may have lived happily ever after, or maybe life would have thrown something else at you. But at least now, you have a chance to really lay the groundwork you know? Build a solid foundation on that clean slate. Then whatever else happens from now on, you can handle it.”

"No pressure right?” Jason joked, although a part of him was completely serious.

“None,” said Tyler as he placed a hand on his shoulder. “Just make sure you get it right this time.”

He laughed softly. "Thanks, man." Tyler nodded. "So how come you sound all smart about this stuff but you're still trying to get your shit together?"

Tyler grinned. "Probably because I never take my own advice."

#

Jason felt her coming up to him long before her soft greeting. He turned and smiled, and she returned his smile, if hesitantly. “Have a good flight back?”

Megan nodded, placing her purse on the lowest bench of the bleachers. “Did you tell Tyler to pull the ‘cloak-and-dagger’ routine? ‘Cause if you did, then maybe I’ll apologize for accusing him of kidnapping me.”

He chuckled. “No, I just asked him to bring you here after he picked you up. I mean I would have called but, um. . .”