What Endures (30 page)

“I’m sorry you had to-“

“You’re sorry?” She scoffed. “That’s great. All this time and you never once said anything to me! Why?”

He sighed. “I just-“

“I didn’t want you to quit!”

“I never said you did.”

“So your decision has nothing to do with me?” She could see his eyes flash at the challenge in her voice.

“I thought you’d understand this.”

“Understand! Understand you lying to me! Understand you making this kind of decision based on what? I don’t even know because you didn’t even tell me!”

“What? You want me to go back to baseball? Is that it?” He shook his head. “I don’t get it. Baseball is what broke us up and you-“

“What! Baseball broke. . . .what makes you even think that?”

“You told me that!”

“I told you?” she repeated, incredulous.

“My birthday. I asked you why we broke up and you said ‘baseball.’”

“I was drunk!”

“So that’s not the reason?”

She stopped. When did everything get so complicated? How could everything fall apart like this? “It’s. . .”

“Complicated?” He threw his hands up in the air in frustration. “Yeah! I get that. It always is with us!”

Something hit her then. Hard. And she could no longer ignore that voice in her head. Wasn’t that what she had feared all along? Not just since Jason’s accident but all along? It was too complicated, and it always was. Maybe more complicated than it should be.

He sighed. “Look, Megan-“

She shook her head. “No, you’re right. And your father’s right. It is always complicated between us and we’re going in circles. We're making the same mistakes. What’s the point?”

Now it was his turn to recoil at her words. “You don’t mean that.”

“Sure I do,” she said, recklessly. There was a certain power in not worrying about what she said. In letting her emotions drive her actions. She was aware that it was recklessly dangerous, but she didn’t care. She didn’t want to care anymore. Caring only seemed to get her hurt, and bring her pain. And she was tired of it. “And you do too.”

“Megan, what I said-“

“It doesn’t matter!” she cried. “Does any of this matter? What have we really been doing Jason? I’ll tell you! Pretending. We were pretending that we were starting over. No, wait, what was it? New! We were starting new but were we? Really?” She scoffed. “We were pretending. Pretending that it didn’t matter! It didn’t matter that you couldn’t remember! That it didn’t matter that I wanted you to! That it-“

“That’s just it, isn’t it?” he cut in angrily. “That’s what this is really about. That you want me to remember and I can’t!”

“It doesn’t matter! None of this does!”

“You’re right.” His voice was cold, but it didn’t seem to bother her. Then again, nothing really seemed to be penetrating with her. “We are pretending. Because all along, you didn’t want me. Not really. You wanted him. The guy who can share those memories with you. The guy who isn’t messed up and broken. The guy you don’t have to worry about fixing!”

She felt the tears prickling her eyes.
How did it come to this?
she wondered idly.  Waking up that morning, she would have never guessed, not in a million years, that just hours later, she would witness the destruction of her relationship with Jason. Yet here she was, standing in the rubble of what had been. Sure it had just been a façade, but for a moment in time, it had felt real. But now all that was left was ruins.

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered. She looked at him for a beat before she turned and walked out. And in that moment, she started to believe what she was saying.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“God,” said Tyler, settling into the other lawn chair. “We need to designate one place as your hideout ‘cause you have too many places around here that you like going to. I must have driven around Harbor Bay like 10 times already looking for you.” He looked around. “So of course, you’d be here.”

She didn't look at Tyler, continuing to stare out at the street. She was aware that he was worried, and also a bit irritated, but she didn’t seem to care. In fact, since leaving the beach house and coming here, she didn’t seem to care about much of anything.

“How long have you been here anyway? And how’d you get past my mom?”

She shrugged. “She was busy.”

Tyler looked at her a beat, before he sighed, settling back into his chair. The fire escape of the building that housed
Delights,
was as Tyler had said, one of the many refuges she had in Harbor Bay. She had figured that Jason might come after her at the field, but he didn't remember this place. But she hadn't accounted for Tyler, which was dumb because this had been where they had hung out when his mom had worked late at the store. It was the place they went to to get away from everyone and everything.

They had set up a nice area in the small space with lawn chairs and even a little table. When they were young, they'd come out here with some snacks and do homework or just talk. The fire escaped faced the alley off the main street of the storefront so it offered some privacy.  She hadn't been out here in years, and she had thought this familiar landmark of her childhood would offer some comfort.

But it didn't. Not today.

“You know,” Tyler said gently. “I’ve been worried out of my mind about you since this morning. How come you didn’t answer my calls?”

“Couldn’t.”

“What do you mean ‘couldn’t’?”

“My phone broke.”

“Your phone broke?” She nodded. “You mean like the battery died?”

“I mean like I threw it into the alley." She made a vague gesture toward the ground.

Tyler leaned over the railing and peered down at the ground. The shattered remains of her phone were clearly visible on the ground below. He looked back at her, raising his eyebrows. “Huh.”

“So, see, I couldn’t.”

He sighed. “I talked to Jason.” He looked at her, clearly expecting a response, but she offered none. “If it’s any consolation, he’s not doing too well either.

She remained silent. She was worried that if she started, she wouldn’t be able to stop. Where she was now, where nothing hurt, where nothing seemed to matter, it was oddly comforting. And she could only stay in this place if she focused on keeping everything else at bay. If she so much as let one thing pass, she would lose all control. If that happened, she wasn't so sure she could recover.

“You’re not gonna say anything?”

“Say what?”

“I don’t know, Meg! Anything! Tell me what happened! Scream or cry or something. Just don’t sit there staring blankly at the street because it’s freaking me out!”

“It’s over.” She delivered the statement quietly, without emotion.

Tyler looked at her and she held his gaze evenly. “You don’t mean that, Megan.”

“I wish people, and by people I mean you and Jason, would stop telling me what I do or don’t mean!” She felt her control slip and fought to regain it.

“Megan,” said Tyler, his voice placating. “I didn’t mean. . .” He sighed. “I guess your confrontation with Jason didn’t go well, huh?”

“Nope.”

“So you guys have had fights before. It doesn’t-“

“It’s different this time.”

“Why?” Tyler asked softly.

She expelled a short breath. She didn’t want to do this. Not with Tyler. Not now. Not ever. She just wanted to sit here, on this old, rusting lounge chair and stare at the other rooftops. To not have to think, or feel.     

“Look, Meg, you guys are. . .things seem bad now. Just give it time. You both probably need to cool off anyway and-“

“It won’t matter.”

“Megan. . .”

“It won’t Ty!” She felt her control slipping again. Felt the force of those suppressed emotions begin to bubble up inside of her. “I. . .I give up.”

Tyler stared at her, disbelief emanating from his eyes. “You give up?” She shrugged. “You. . .how can. . .you can’t give up!”

“Yes, I can!” She looked at Tyler defiantly. “I can do whatever the hell I want!”

Tyler looked like he was going to retort, but he stopped and  stared at her for several long minutes. She looked away, not wanting, and perhaps unable, to meet his eyes. Silence stretched between them and she forced herself to ignore it.

“Why Meggers?” Tyler finally asked softly.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Tyler scoffed. “Like hell it doesn’t! After all this time, after everything you and Jason have been through? You’re going to quit because you got into an argument? This is how you’re going to let things end with Jason? Like this?”

She felt those emotions push further up inside of her. “That’s just it. It’s. . .” She stopped and searched for the words. The words to make him understand, to make him stop with the questions. “It’s just. . .”

“Just what?”

“Hard!” she exclaimed, feeling the control slip completely away from her. She jumped off the lounge chair. “It’s too hard Ty! It’s too damn hard!”

“What is? Dealing with Jason? His accident?”

“All of it! Everything! It’s too hard and complicated! Even Jason sees it! It’s too damn hard and it. . ." She shook her head. "It shouldn't be this hard."

“Megan-“

“Maybe it’s a sign. Have you ever thought that? That all the things that Jason and I have gone through isn’t so we can keep plowing through it, but that we should wise up and stop trying. Stop fighting against everything. I mean it’s so hard, Ty! It shouldn’t be you know? First with us getting married and then all that crap with his family, then when things seemed to be going well again, the accident happened! It’s like the fates, or the universe, or whoever is in charge of these things is telling us something and we haven’t been listening.” She expelled a loud breath. “Well, I’m listening now and it’s telling me I should quit.”

“That’s ridiculous, Megan.”

“Is it?” she challenged. “Come on, Ty. No one has ever really thought that Jason and I were meant to be together. Not his parents. My aunt had her doubts. Even your mom, and our friends." She gave him a pointed look. "
You
didn’t.”

“First of all, that was a long time ago, Megan. And second of all, I was an idiot. You know that. I have bouts of idiocy and you can’t use that to support this crazy notion you have of the world being against you and Jason.”

“It’s not crazy!” she cried. “I mean why is it so hard for us? Why does it feel like everything is a struggle? A fight? It shouldn’t be this hard! If it was meant to be, it shouldn’t feel like a constant battle.” She began to pace, which was difficult given the small space of the fire escape. “Love shouldn’t be this hard. It should be easy. If it’s meant to be, it shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly fighting everything and everyone.”

“That’s bullshit, Megan!” Tyler exclaimed. She stopped pacing abruptly, surprised by Tyler's outburst. “And you know it.”

“No, it’s-“

“Of course it’s hard!” he cried. “It’s called ‘life’ Megan! Since when is life in general easy? Or fair? You know what? Bad things happen. And they happen because that’s what life is. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it sucks so bad that you have to find the tiniest reason not to throw yourself off the fire escape after your cell phone! But that’s what you do. You get up, and you go out and yeah, you gotta fight for things and sometimes it feels like it's too hard but it's what you do. It's called living."

His expression softened slightly. “But it’s worth it too because sometimes you find something that makes you so unbelievably happy that all the struggling and fighting is completely worth it.” He sighed. “I get what you’re saying Meg, but you have it all wrong. If what you and Jason have gone through is a sign for you to quit, then I should quit too. Hell, everyone should. It’s not like we haven’t seen our shares of battles you know.”

She sighed and sank back down on the lounge chair. “I didn’t mean that. I just. . .” She looked up at him questioningly. “Don’t you ever think that something’s too hard? That it’s hard because you shouldn’t be doing it?”

“Sure,” Tyler nodded, coming over and sitting down next to her. “Like you know, killing, stealing, lying. Those are hard and you definitely shouldn’t be doing those things.”

“Tyler.”

“Sorry.” He sighed. “I get it, Meggers. Things have been strangely complicated for you and Jason and sure, if you wanted, you can take it all as a sign.” He touched her shoulder gently. “Funny thing about signs though. You can read them a lot of different ways.” He paused. “Take David for instance.”

She looked up at Tyler sharply. “What about David?”

“Your relationship with him was easy right? You could say all the signs pointed to you being with David.” He looked at her pointedly. “So how come you broke things off?”

She sighed. She knew where Tyler was going with this and she hated it. Because it would prove his point completely. She had met David Binder her senior year in college and things had grown serious between them. David was the only man, other than Jason, that she had considered marrying.

David was smart, handsome, ambitious and an all around nice guy. On paper, he was the ideal boyfriend. And as an added bonus, he had a ‘normal’ family. His father was the polar opposite of Bruce. They had been together for over a year and more than a few people had told her that she and David were the ‘perfect couple.’ Outwardly, they were right. Their relationship was easy, and while they had their share of arguments like any couple, there were no heart-wrenching fights. No screaming or yelling, and no gut-twisting drama.

But there was no passion either.

That was why she had ended it. David had begun to talk about their long-term plans, and the word ‘marriage’ began to pop up. Unfortunately, when she considered marrying David, instead of feeling boundless joy, she felt a sense of responsibility, as if that was what she was supposed to do. She loved David but she wasn’t in love with him, and she didn’t love him enough to see herself with him for the rest of her life. It simply became unfair for her to stay with him at that point.

“What’s your point, Ty?”

“You know what it is, Meggers. If you want things easy, then by all means, quit. End things with Jason for good. Then find someone like David. Someone to have an easy relationship with.”