What Endures (31 page)

She frowned. “That’s not fair.”

“It’s life, Megan,” Tyler countered. He shifted so that he was now facing her directly on the lounge chair. “Look, if things were supposed to be easy, we’d all be happy and content all the time. No one would ever fight, and there’d be no crime or war. No sickness or the thousands of other screwed-up things in the world. And wanting things easy only makes you settle, and I could never be happy for you with that.” He smiled gently. “You deserve the best, Meggers. The best, not second best. You deserve more than to settle for something because it’s easy, or because going after the best is too hard.”

She looked down. She knew Tyler was right. But after these last few months, it was hard to convince herself to believe that he was right. “It would hurt less.”

Tyler sighed softly as he pulled her toward him, wrapping her in a comforting embrace. “I know. But it only hurts less when you feel less.”

She leaned her head on his shoulder. He was right. As badly as it could hurt being with Jason, she had also never been as deliriously happy in  her life as when they had been together. There were lows, but unimaginable highs too.

“Besides, haven’t you ever thought that the best things are hard because they make you value them more? The things you really have to work for makes you appreciate them so much more.” He squeezed her shoulder. “The best, Megan. In what this life has to offer you, and that’s Jason. I’ve never seen you happier with anyone else. Don’t tell me you didn’t appreciate your relationship with him more after you got back together a few years ago. Don’t tell me you weren’t happier then, knowing what you had lost and what you found again.”

He smiled. “You know, if I had to pick a guy for you, it’d be Jason. And no, not because he’s my sort of brother, but because I’ve seen him with you. I’ve always thought that you needed a guy who treats you well, who will take care of you and protect you, but at the same time, challenge you. That’s Jason.” He nudged her gently. “And I don’t really have to tell you how good you are for him, do I?”

“The stuff you’re talking about, that’s just life happening." Tyler squeezed her shoulder. "I mean Jason’s injury and the car accident. Neither of you were responsible for any of that. That’s the whole "randomness of life" thing. There’s no rhyme or reason for it Meg. And it’s certainly not a sign that it’s not meant to be, or that you should quit.”

He placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. “You’ll never forgive yourself if you quit, Meg. If you really want to end things with Jason, do it because it’s what you feel is right, and because you know in your heart that it can’t work no matter how much you try. But don’t quit because it’s going to be hard. I can guarantee you it will be. Life happens. Bad things happen for no reason.  But that has nothing to do with what you feel, or what you do about those feelings.”

She closed her eyes, letting everything that he said sink in. She was too emotional and tired to think of it all now, but there was something that she had wanted to ask Tyler for years. And she figured now was as a good a time as any. She looked at her best friend questioningly. “How come you’re always pushing me and Jason together?”

“What?”

“You know what I mean. Every time we have a problem and I’m complaining to you, or when things are bad, you’re always pushing for us to work it out. And during college, you were the one who kept getting the three of us to hang out together, no matter how much Jason and I protested. What’s up with the matchmaking?”

“Matchmaking? I’m not matchmaking. Is it wrong that I want to see my quasi brother and best friend happy?”

“Come on, Ty.”

He sighed and looked away. “Maybe I have pushed at times.” He turned back to her and smiled slightly. “Let’s just say, I want to see the curse end. And you guys have the best shot at doing that.”

“Curse? What curse?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this Meg, but people who get involved with Bruce, tend to never have a good relationship ever again. Look at my mom, or Diana." He shrugged. "Me. I figured the second generation should do better, and since I fucked up with Lizzie. . ."

“Ty, there’s no curse. Come on that’s-“

“What? You can believe in alleged signs from the universe telling you how to run your love life but I can’t believe in a curse?”

She couldn’t help smiling. She shoved him lightly. “You’re a pain in the ass.”

“Right back at you buddy,”

#

 There was something about the sound of a baseball shooting out of a machine that didn’t seem quite right. That buzzing, zinging noise it made always made her uneasy, now more than ever since she now knew just how much damage a ball, hurtled at high speed, could do. Plus, the sound had a lonely dissonance that she hated. Like it was unnatural without other people around to play with, or to cheer the players on.

Jason was crouched over the plate, bat reared up over his shoulder, his body tense in anticipation. The machine fired another ball at him  and he swung. He still had impeccable instincts, but the second his bat connected to the ball, he groaned loudly, dropping the bat.

"Fuck" he yelled, yanking off the batting helmet and flinging it against the fence.

Jason always had a certain devil-may-care attitude that made him irresistible and attractive to so many. It wasn't just the girls, although they seemed particularly susceptible to that aspect of his personality. In recent months, however, he seemed to have lost that. It was as if his shoulders seemed to droop more with each passing day, his purposeful stride had turned into a lumbering gait.  And she couldn’t remember the last time she saw that sparkle in his eyes. She was sure that anyone who had heard of Jason Kincaid would never describe him as "sad," but that was the word that most often sprung to mind now when she watched him, or thought of him.

And what hurt the most about these changes in Jason, was the fact that she seemed to be the cause of it all.

"Fuck it," Jason spat, whirling around to retrieve his bat. When he spotted her, his behavior instantly shifted. That bothered her most of all. It was like he couldn't be himself around her anymore.

He became stonily calm again. If she hadn’t just witnessed it, she would never have believed that he had just lost his cool seconds ago because the person standing in front of her had the exact same demeanor as a stone statute.

“Megan.” Even his voice seemed devoid of emotions these days.

“Hey,” she said softly, walking around the fence. She waited until Jason shut off the machine before she moved into the batting area. “I was, uh, looking for you.”

He nodded, moving to retrieve the helmet he had just flung against the fence. “I was gonna call, I just. . .”

His words trailed off as he started to put his backpack on. That was something else that had occurred too frequently in the past months. Unfinished sentences. Thoughts never articulated. Discontinued conversations. Somehow it became normal for them to leave things unsaid and unresolved.

“Come on,” he said, heading around the fence. “Let’s get out of here.”

She sidestepped him. She heard him sigh heavily and say her name behind her but she ignored it and walked over to pick up the ball. She held it for a second, studying the stitching on the ball, before she turned and tossed it to him. Instinctively he caught it. His athletic grace was effortless and natural.

“You miss it don’t you?”

His face darkened for a second before the stony façade fell back in place. “What are you doing, Megan?”

“Do you?” she persisted.

He dropped the ball. “This is pointless.”

“Just answer me!” she demanded impatiently.

“What the hell are you doing, Megan?” he demanded, his voice sharp. She welcomed it. Anything but the stone figure that she usually confronted. “What’s the point in me missing something that I can’t do anymore? What’s the point? You want an answer? Fine! Yes, I miss it. Does that make you happy? Can we get out of here now?”

He turned and began walking toward the exit but she was determined to finish this conversation. They were going to finish a conversation even if it killed them both. “Jason!”

He stopped but didn’t turn around. “Later, OK? Let’s do this later.”

“No,” she said stubbornly. “We’ll just pretend nothing happened later. We’ll go home, you’ll park yourself in front of the TV, I’ll retreat to our bedroom. Then we’ll eat dinner in silence before you go back to the TV or go hang out with one of the guys. I’ll spend the rest of the night by myself. You’ll wait until I fall asleep before you come to bed, that is if you decide not to sleep on the couch. And then we’ll wake up and do it all over again. We’ve done it for months now. I’m tired of it.”

He said nothing, still keeping his back turned to her. She was trying so hard to keep her emotions in check so that they could have a real, civilized conversation, but it was quickly becoming apparent to her that they had forgotten how to do that. It seemed like they only had two settings these days - screaming anger or stony silence.

“Will you please say something?” she pleaded after the silence continued to stretch interminably between them.

“You’re the one who wanted to talk.”

She stared at his back, frustration and anger building inside of her. She had a feeling he wasn’t going to be cooperative, but knowing it and seeing it were two different things. “That attitude’s not helping things.”

“My attitude?” He spun around angrily. “My attitude’s not helping things?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He stared at her for a long beat before he shook his head. “Never mind.”

“No! I’m sick of us not talking about things. Of censoring ourselves!” She exhaled loudly. “Damn it, Jason! We’re married! We’re supposed to talk about things!”

“What do you want to talk about Megan? Huh? What?” He waved his hands around the batting cage. “The end of my baseball career? The lousy state of our marriage? My mother's affair? You siding with Tyler? Huh?”

“I never sided with Tyler! There are no sides!”

He looked like he was about to say something, but she saw him struggle to control it and then his stony mask fell back into place. “Whatever. I don’t want to do this. Not here.”

She felt the tears behind her eyes and blinked rapidly. “Then where? When? Are we just gonna pretend that the way things are, is how it’s supposed to be?”

“Why are we talking about this anyway?” he demanded. “I thought we agreed on this.”

She shook her head. “No, we didn’t.
You
decided.”

“What are the other options, Megan?” He looked at her accusingly. “I didn’t see you come up with any! What would you have me do? Devote all my time to rehab? Then what would we do for money? Do you want to drop out of school and support us?”

“I don’t know!” she cried. “I just know that we should have talked this over. You didn’t have to take the job your father offered you! You didn’t have to quit baseball! You could have at least talked to me about it!”

“Would the result have been any different?”

“That’s not the point!” She looked at him angrily. “Whatever happens to you happens to me! Don’t you get that? You can’t just make these decisions on your own!”

“I was trying to do what’s best for us!”

“This is best for us?” she countered incredulously. “Does this feel like it’s best for us?

“Fine! Let’s talk about it! You don’t want me to work for my Dad? So what are we going to do for money? Should I go back for half the money working at some place in the mall, because all I have is a high school diploma and no one's hiring me for anything above minimum wage! Or are you going to give up your scholarship and take on a full time job at Marie's store?"

She looked down, hoping the action could give her some time to reign in her emotions. “This isn’t-“

“If you have a better idea then let’s hear it! Until then, working with my Dad is the best option I have.”

“The best option
you
have?”

He expelled an impatient breath. “Fine. We have!”

“No, it’s not.” She looked around the batting cage. “I know you miss this. Miss playing. I-“

“Just drop it Megan!” He turned toward the exit once more. “Let’s just go.”

“No! You’re miserable, Jason. I know you are. And I. . .I am too! This isn’t working anymore!”

“Me going back to baseball isn’t going to fix things.”

“How do you know? You haven’t even tried to-“

He whirled around. “And suppose I do try? We’re still in the same place. How do we support ourselves? Huh? I don’t have the time to do rehab, school and work!

“You mean you don’t have time because you’re married to me.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Isn't that what you meant?” she asked, her voice surprisingly calm. He didn’t answer, which of course, was an answer. At least to her.“Right.”

“What is this?” he asked, his eyes boring into hers. “You didn’t mind me quitting baseball a few months ago. Now all of a sudden you want me to try and go back? Why?”

The answer popped into her head. The answer that she had been grappling with, and had been terrified of in the last few weeks. The answer she didn’t want to be true but which was fast becoming her reality in the last few weeks. She looked away, avoiding his perceptive eyes, but she had hesitated for too long.

From the look on his face and his sharp intake of breath, she knew he had seen the answer in her eyes. And she hated herself for it in that moment. Because she knew that she had just hurt him as bad as anyone ever could or would. Perhaps worse because it was her.