Walk of Shame (42 page)

I crawled into the tub the next
morning. I alternated my attention between drinking water to rehydrate, and
actually cleansing my body.

When I came out, I noticed some
pieces of hotel stationary lying on the floor with writing scrawled all over
it. I picked them up and read over them. Memories were starting to resurface
about the night before. It seems the vodka bottle and I had spent considerable
time making pro/con lists last night for Mike and Liam.

What confused the hell out of hung-over
me was that things like Liam's size and Mike's leg were listed on both sides of
the paper. Liam's being from Scotland was a pro, but visiting his family
required a transatlantic flight, a con. But visiting Scotland again was a pro.
Mike's running with me was a con with 'friend zone' written after it. But then
'knowing him better than the rest' was on the pro side, even though all that
running was how I'd gotten to know him the best. And 'likes to run' was a pro,
as well.

I pulled out my cell phone and
pulled up the list of calls, dreading what I might see, and saw that I called
Chloe last night. I hit the redial button.

"Yeah?" she answered,
sounding groggy.

"I drunk-dialed you last
night?"

She laughed. "Yeah, you
did."

"How'd that go?"

"I went and got Dad's bottle
of tequila and we had a drunken phone party."

"Oh, my God."

"You were so far gone, the
only way I could understand you was to get drunk with you. Then you started
making more sense."

"I have pretty decent
handwriting when I'm drunk though."

"That's good, because the
papers I have over here, I can't read."

"You wrote it all down,
too?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure if we
did that on purpose or not."

"Did we come to any
conclusions on who I should choose?"

"You mean after you got done
crying about Jared? I think Mike and Liam ended up tied."

"Wonderful."

"But, hey, you can still try
what I said to do."

"What's that?"

"You slept with Liam, go
ahead and sleep with Mike, that way you can fully compare both."

"Good grief."

"For what it's worth, Dad
and I both agree that Jared needed to go, for your own peace of mind. We know
you liked him a lot, but he's Swamp Thing."

I sighed, resigned. "I
know."

"I don't envy the decision
you have to make. And I'm not about to give you my opinion anymore. You need to
figure out which one will be best for you."

"You've already talked to
Dad about this, haven't you? Because you on your own would have an
opinion."

"He made me explain the
empty tequila bottle. That's when he told me we'd reached the point where the
remaining guys are both good quality men, and you're the only one who can
choose for yourself who you want to be with."

I sighed, irritated that she
spoke the truth, even though that dumped the entirety of the decision on my
shoulders. "Did I happen to say whether or not I fancied myself in love
with either one of the ones left?"

She laughed. "Yes. You love
them both, you poor soul. You did this whole drunken crying thing about how you
love them, and how they can make you happy, and you can picture a future with
them both, and you'd rather shoot yourself than make this decision."

"Well, damn."

"Oh, yeah. You were
pathetic."

"Fan-freaking-tastic."

Troy walked Mike and me into my
third suite in the resort, went over the rules for Mike, and then left with the
crew trailing behind him.

I stepped away and sighed as Mike
locked the door. This was it. I'd finally made it to the last of the
twenty-four hour lockdowns. I looked around and reminded myself to live in the
moment, that this lockdown was just as important as the others had been.

"It's been a long week for
you, hasn't it?" Mike asked.

I sighed again and gave him a
small smile. "Yeah, it has."

"Are you any closer to a
decision, or are you a hung jury?"

"Oh, it's been an
enlightening week. One of the others is already gone."

His face lit up. "Oh,
really? That's just a damn shame."

I laughed. "Yes, you look
absolutely devastated on my behalf."

"Oh, I am. Come, let me
comfort you," he teased.

I shook my head at him and rolled
my eyes.

"What? You can't blame me
for being happy that my odds just shot up to fifty-fifty."

"I don't blame you at
all."

He kept smiling as he looked
around the suite. "This place is nice."

"Yeah," I said, taking
a moment to look around with him. "So, the first one to introduce me to
your parents and the last one for the lockdowns. Have you been with your family
for the past week and a half?"

He paused in front of the
lakeside view we had through the patio windows. "Yeah, I did. I came in
for the last
Walk of Shame
, then went back home, and didn't make it back
here until yesterday."

"Needed some time?"

He turned to me, his face all
serious. "You started with fifteen guys to choose from. You've spent weeks
narrowing it down to the best ones. We didn't have that option. We were all given
one choice."

I rocked back on my heels, suddenly
unsure where this conversation was going to go. "You're right, that's why
I've always left the exit door open for anybody who didn't like what they were
seeing in me. One of the guys even exercised his right to use it. It's why I
always ask you to stay, instead of telling you. If you're not interested, it's
past time to say something, but I'll accept it now and wish you well. You wait
until the final
Walk of Shame
, and I'll pitch a freaking temper tantrum
over everything we've all gone through."

He waited until I was done before
he chuckled. He looked me in the eyes, grew serious, and shook his head.
"I figured as much, so I used the time back home to think about you. I
wanted to remove myself from all the cameras and interviews and questions to
take a really good look at our situation. It wasn't until after you met my
family, and didn't run away screaming, that I realized there was a legitimate
chance that you'd really pick me. And now that we're down to the last two...
It's time I come to a final decision myself. Because soon it won't be you
asking me to hang around for another week. It'll be everyone expecting me to
get down on a knee. And then we'll be leaving here, and trying to start piecing
our lives together, and you'll be following me around, and we'll be in each
other's real lives. I had to take some time and make sure it's what I want,
before I commit to it."

"I know exactly what you
mean. That's what meeting everybody's family was for me. A chance to really
picture a life with you, to see where you come from, to get a glimpse of you
separated from the other guys, and hear other people's opinions of you. For
some, it was a window into what life with them would be like. For others, it
was just a tiny, holiday-like glimpse because they don't spend too much time at
Mommy and Daddy's. But it still made it all feel more real, and made me think
long and hard about which lives I could see working out and which I couldn't."

"Exactly. We don't know if
life out on the road with each other will be all sunshine and roses, we just
thought we knew we wanted to try it."

"I can see a happy future
with you," I said. "But after all your time spent thinking, can you
see one with me?"

He smiled. "I can. Em, I'm
more convinced now than ever that we can make this work between us. No matter
who you pick, it's going to take some work to get used to incorporating someone
else's needs and wants into your life. And I can't tell you which person will
take the most or least amount of work. All I can tell you is that I'm ready for
it."

"Well, I can tell you that I
hadn't planned on sending the other guy home until I got into the suite with
him. There's something about visiting someone at home, and then being locked
inside a space with someone, without anybody else around, that makes you face
the truth. And, for me, two days ago the truth about one of my relationships got
to where it was glaring me in the face and I couldn't deny it a moment longer.
I had to address it, and it led to us parting. That's not something I'm feeling
here and now. With you, I'm comfortable."

He smiled. "Good, because
I'm very comfortable with you, too." He held out his arms, "Come
here."

I walked into his arms and
relaxed in his reassuring embrace.

Dinner was fun with him. I asked
him to share some stories about the team of people he worked with, so that I
could get a feel for how the group operated during working and off hours. I'd
wanted to know what life lived his way would be like. Traveling alone
sometimes, and staying within a group other times. It sounded like the best of
both worlds. Some girl adventures, some group adventures, some Mike adventures,
and a little down the road, some family adventures. And, hey, babysitters built
in so I can get an afternoon to myself when Mike is working. It sounded like a
pretty cool setup, like a kind of wondering tribe.

We'd propped ourselves up with
pillows on the bed, pretending to be watching a movie, eating pears dipped in
honey. Mike acted like he was going to feed me a bite of pear. But instead, he
used the pear to smear the honey on my lips. I laughed as he leaned in to clean
up the honey with his tongue.

The next honeyed spot was on my
neck. Blissful sighs came from my lips as my hands kneaded against his
shoulders. When I tried to reach for a piece of pear to return the favor, he
grunted and gathered my wrists in one of his hands and pinned them above my
head. I let out a sigh of frustration.

He lifted his head, smiled into
my eyes, and kissed my forehead.

I chuckled.

He lifted my shirt, and the edge
of my bra, and pulled the cup to the side, out of his way. He dabbed my nipple
with honey and proceeded to lick and suckle it off.

That's when my moaning started in
earnest.

He gave me a gloating smile.
"Do you want me?" he murmured.

"Yes," I whispered.

His smile broadened mischievously.
"Stay here." He left the bed and went into the bathroom.

I took off both my shirt and my
bra.

He came back into the bedroom
with a washcloth. He proceeded to cleanse my feet.

I had no idea where this was
going until he spread a layer of honey on my toes.

I burst out laughing even as the
tension in my body coiled tighter. "What are you doing?"

His mouth engulfed my big toe and
his tongue swirled around, sending tingled zinging through my body.

I squealed.

"Has anybody ever done this
to you?"

I gave him a panting laugh.
"No, you're the first."

"Good." He continued to
claim his territory, one toe at a time.

Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod,
ohmigod, ohmigod!

He laid my foot on the sheet and
moved to loom over me. "My name is Michael," he whispered, having
heard my not so silent litany.

"Make love to me."

"Do you?" he asked.

"Do I what?"

"Do you love me?"

I wrapped my hands behind his
neck and drew him down until we were all but nose-to-nose. "You wouldn't
be here if I didn't."

He reached down a second before I
heard his artifice hit the floor.

I took that as show of
cooperation and I yanked his shirt up and got it off with a little help from
him. Then I attacked the belt buckle and fly on his shorts.

Once I had them off, he pinned my
wrists back up above my head. He nibbled on my ear before he whispered,
"So impatient." I whimpered as he began trailing kisses down the
front of my body. He gathered himself up on all fours along the way, and then
next thing I knew, he'd flipped me over onto my stomach and pulled off my
shorts and panties.

I forgot how to breathe when he
started drizzling honey across my lower back and my rear end. I went back to
panting when his tongue followed the trail.

Mewling noises, which I'd never
made before in my life, came out of me. My hips were squirming involuntarily, looking
for some kind of friction. I was on the verge of begging when his fingers
finally came to my body's rescue.
Ohmigod!

But it wasn't enough. He'd build
me up and then back off. Build me up and then back off. I was being tortured
and I couldn't take it anymore.

I got up on all fours, intending
to turn and attack him.

The moment my butt was in the
air, he wrapped his hands around my hips, adjusted my angle, and plunged. The
rhythm he set was firm, steady.

Ohmigod. Thank God.

He let out a choppy laugh.
"Michael, I'm Michael."

I let out a moan
and adjusted my angle just so, and we both stopped talking.

"Was it really that
good?" Chloe asked, breathless on the other end of the phone.

I gave a dreamy sigh. "No.
It was better."

"Well there you have
it," she said.

"There I have what?"

"You're decision. It's
pretty much made now, right?"

"Um, no?"

"Why not? Don't you want to
have sex like that for the rest of your life?"

"Just because Mike did it
like that once doesn't mean he does it like that all the time."

"Yeah, like maybe there's
usually blindfolds and bondage involved. And this time he was just going easy
on you."

"I've been in his bedroom,
there's nothing weird hanging around in his room."

"Maybe he's just really good
about keeping it hidden away during dry spells."

"Chloe, good grief. Maybe
Liam was the one going easy on me, keeping things simple until he really reels
me in."

"Maybe. Have you been in his
bedroom?"

"No."

"I should have checked out
everyone's bedrooms when I was there. Why didn't I think to do that?"

"You're killing my afterglow
buzz."

"So what did you two do this
morning?"

"We fell asleep after
sunrise, so we slept until it was time to leave."

"And what does that tone of
voice mean?"

"It means we squeezed in a
quickie before we had to dress and go."

"And it was good, too,
wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was," my
smile leaching into my voice.

I hung up with
Chloe and went for a run with Goldie. As sad as it sounds, I had to shake off
the effects of last night. I needed to clear my head so I could be objective.

"I don't understand why
you're so worked up this evening," Troy said as we sat down and went over
the entire week. "This week's decision has been made."

"I can't do this
anymore," I told him. "I'm starting to lose my mind."

Troy sat back in his chair, elbow
propped on the arm of the chair, holding his hand just in front of his face.
His finger rubbing across his chin as he regarded me. "What do you mean?
That you want to back out and choose no one, or that you want to go ahead and
make the decision this week?"

"I want to make a
choice."

"Okay, you're set on who it
is, then?"

"No."

His hand shifted to squeeze his
temples with his thumb and forefinger. "Then are you really going flip a
coin? Because that will be a first."

"No. I don't know how I'm
going to figure it out, but I'll think of something."

"Might I offer two
suggestions?"

"I'll entertain any ideas
you have."

"Lay it out for them tomorrow
night. Just be completely honest about how this is for you. Then offer them the
choice to stay or not. One of them might just make the decision for you."

I nodded. "Okay. And the
other suggestion?"

"Talk to your Mom."

"I can't get her to talk to
me. She's gone all silent."

"She's your mother. If you
explain how stuck you are, she'll help you think it through. And she'll more
than likely know what to say to you, to help you get the right perspective on
it."

I nodded. "I want to lay it
out tonight for them."

"Okay, okay," he said,
rolling the possibilities around in his mind. "We'll make that
happen."

We moved on
with the interview.

They had the cameras set up
around a picnic table alongside the lake. They brought Mike and Liam to sit on
one side and Troy sat down on the other. I watched back in production's trailer
as Troy explained that I wanted to speak to them.

Mike and Liam shared a look
before Liam turned to Troy.

"Where's Jared?" Liam
asked.

"Jared's gone, he left a few
hours into his lockdown," Troy answered.

"Well, is she bringing him
back or something?" Mike asked.

"No. No one's coming back,
but she needs to speak with the two of you."

The guys nodded and waited as
Troy stood and I was cued to go out there.

I came on camera and sat down
across from them.

"Are you all right?"
Mike quietly asked.

I shook my head. "No. I've
been a wreck ever since the beginning of visiting everyone's families. Now,
Phillip made it easy with my finding out about his... misrepresentations. And
technically, I've already made this week's elimination by saying goodbye to
Jared. Because when push comes to shove, I am not a swamp girl."

"Then what's the problem, if
you're set for this week, then we just move into the final week," Liam
said.

Tears flooded my eyes and both
men looked horrified. Someone from production set tissues on the edge of the
table, just off-camera, and I grabbed one. "I can't do this for another
week. I can't torture myself, or the two of you, with another week of this back
and forth. I am physically exhausted and emotionally spent. I want to figure
this out at the
Walk of Shame
tomorrow. I need to come to a decision,
for all our sakes. I know you both want this over as much as I need it to be
finished."

"Do you know who you're
choosing?" Mike asked.

I swiped a hand across my
forehead. "You know how I'm always standing up there going 'I'm good, I'm
good'? Well, I'm not good right now. To be completely honest with both of you,
I'm torn. I'm so torn, I'm disgusted with myself. I thought that by this point,
I'd know who I was meant to be with. I'd keep my mind open and use my time to
learn more about each of you. I figured I'd have a firm grip on who it was I
was sold on by now. But, I just don't."

They both remained silent, either
letting me vent, or not sure what to say.

So, I continued talking. "I
can see a future with you both, and both options look good to me. See, here's
the thing, if Mike weren't here, I'd know I was supposed to be with Liam. And
if Liam weren't here, it'd be Mike, hands down. But you're both here, and
you're both so amazing, and make me feel so wonderful. It's messing with my
head. I can't come up with a single legitimate reason to say goodbye to either
one of you."

Mike looked up at the cameras and
made a 'T' with his hands. "All right, time-out guys." He turned back
to me, "Are you trying to build a clamor for ratings here? Or do you
seriously mean that you're this torn between us?"

"I am really this
torn," I said.

"So you love us both, and you
slept with us both?" Mike guessed.

I shifted uncomfortably in my
seat and looked up at a nearby tree. I forced myself to meet their gazes before
I spoke though, I'd gotten myself into this mess, it was up to me to see it
through. "Yes," I whispered. Besides, I'd rather them find it out now,
instead of later from either rumors or watching the show.

"Who else?" Mike asked.

"No one else, and neither of
you before this week," I answered.

Mike scrubbed his hands on his
face. Liam looked down at the ground.

"Why tell us all this?"
Liam asked.

"Because if either, or both,
of you can't handle this, or don't want a marriage with me, then please put me
out of my misery now. Let's come to an adult decision here. This, right here,
right now, isn't about the cameras that are still rolling. This is about our
lives. I'm laying the truth out on the table. I need to know the truth in
whether or not you're each willing to handle it."

"And if we both walk
away?" Mike asked.

"Then I hole up somewhere
and cry my heart out for a month," I said.

"And if one of us walks
away, the other will just be sitting there out of the process of
elimination," Liam said.

I scrunched my brows and shook my
head. "It's not like that. I'll find out who actually wants me in return.
No one here is sloppy seconds for me. You're both first-class in my mind,
that's my whole problem. You are both genuinely great guys. You two are like
two different versions of the Mr. Perfect fantasy I have painted in my
head."

"And if we both stay?"
Mike asked.

"Whoever I have to say
goodbye to will break my heart. But I promise that I will get my crap together
and make a decision on this. For my own sake, I can't drag this out any
longer."

The three of us sat there in
silence for minutes on end, each of the two guys lost in their own thoughts,
and me holding my breath, waiting to see what they'd say.

"I'm still in," Liam
said. "I don't care what went on last night. It's not like I didn't know
you were dating someone else. I only care what goes on from tomorrow onward. After
tomorrow, we'll either be broken up, or you and I will have a commitment."

It took Mike another moment
before he spoke. "I told you before that I could deal with this as long as
I went last in the rotation. You managed to put me in the last spot, so I will
remain true to my word. I've told you exactly how I feel about you. I know that
you're confident in me. I just wish you weren't so confident in him. But, yeah,
I want the commitment. I'm staying."

I nodded at them, convincing
myself that I was capable of making this choice.

I went home. I
lay in bed. But I didn't sleep that night.