Walk of Shame (40 page)

I was to spend the entirety of
Saturday by myself, sequestered with my own thoughts.

What a freaking scary place to
be.

I started out pacing around,
thinking about each guy. Then I started scrubbing surfaces, trying not to think
about them. Then I went back to pacing.

Round about noon there was a
knock on my door.

I opened it to find Troy standing
there. "Em, Phillip wants five minutes. He says you asked him to come to
you with a plan when you both got back?"

"Yeah, I did. And I need to
hear it before the
Walk of Shame
."

"All right, well, he's here.
Are you ready to hear from him?"

"Can we do it without the
hair and makeup artists?"

"Yeah."

"Then bring him over."

Troy left and returned a few
moments later.

"I'll keep it short,"
Phillip said. "Instead of a week per month with my family, we'll alternate
the months. One week one month with yours, then next month we'll spend a week
with mine. So, six weeks per year with each. I know that's more than you spend
there now, but your parents will want that, once grandkids enter the picture
anyway. And I can drive down to mine, if I
have
to, for a few hours
while we're visiting your family. And vice-versa as your parents get older. I
still want to keep the spot in the marina, but I'll be letting the marina rent
it out more. That's about the best I can do."

I nodded. "I appreciate your
coming over here to let me know."

"Em, I'm sorry. I should
have had this all thought out. I just like to know what's happening first,
before I make plans around it. All the what-ifs are so abstract to me. I don't
like to make plans that I have to break. And they're plans I wanted to make
with
you, once it was set that we'd be together."

I nodded again. "I hear you.
It's just that I like to know what I could potentially be getting into, ahead
of time. You went from being so sure of yourself to looking like you had
something to hide. I'm just trying to figure out which is the real you, the one
I'd be living with."

"I had a plan of attack for
trying to get and keep your attention. That all depended on me, and what
actions I chose. But a life together... I guess I was just waiting until we
could picture it together. I don't want to make plans without your input."

"I can appreciate that. But
I wanted to know how you wanted life to go. To see what you could come up with.
Then I could figure out if it was close to something that I could deal with,
compromising the details can come later. I was looking to all the guys to set
the yardstick so I could view all my options with my eyes wide open on
everyone's expectations. Normally, yes, let's plan things together, but I'm not
in a normal situation. If you expect me to make this decision blind, then I may
as well have you all draw straws."

"I get it. I'm sorry I
didn't fully understand that before. I can't possibly imagine what you must be
going through. You aren't just choosing a guy. You're choosing a life. I don't
think I had a full appreciation for that before. I apologize."

"I don't need an apology. I
just need you to know what you want and what you're willing to give."

"All right. Well, I'm
supposed to get out of here and leave you to your decision-making."

"Thank you. I mean it, thank
you. I needed to know where you stood."

He nodded, a regretful look on
his face as he turned away to leave.

I'd been so
formal to him, but I couldn't help it. His lack of ready answers this week had
left me cold towards him. I was going to have to spend a good chunk of the
afternoon trying to figure out exactly why that was. I didn't want to dismiss
him just because of an off day. I had to figure out why I was so suddenly
turned off on the idea of him.

By the time Sunday morning rolled
around, I thought I had my feelings on Phillip figured out. I really felt as
though Phillip could love me, deeply love me, but I had one major issue with
him. He didn't make me feel safe. I mean, from seeing him creep through the
woods to gun down Mr. Bear, I knew he was capable of keeping me safe. But he
didn't make my heart feel safe in his hands.

Unless I could trust a guy with
both my body and my heart, I couldn't see him as being the one for me.

But... My unsettled mind drifted
to Jared. He was married to the swamp, and to a family business. Don't get me
wrong, Jared always had a plan and answers. But, did he really want to live the
kind of lifestyle that took extra days out and back from assignments? Did he
really want to park all winter at non-swampy locations? Or was he just talking
in theory?

UGH!!!
I had to stop. I
was going to get myself all confused and jumbled again, just when I thought I
had a few things figured out.

I couldn't take being holed up
with myself anymore. I changed, put on my sneakers, and patted my leg for
Goldie to follow. I hit a hiking trail and ran. I ran so long and hard that
Goldie finally plopped down and refused to move. I texted production and asked
them to come get her. They said they'd bring a golf cart around to pick her up
for me. I ordered her to stay until help arrived and I continued on, pushing
myself until I texted production to come pick me up.

I got back to my rig, showered,
and took a nap.

They woke me up at six to start
getting me ready for the show.

I sat in the chair, letting them
do their thing, as they primped me to send someone home. I was calm and
collected, because by the time I was done running, I had a plan.

I'd come up with a question. A
simple one. And I was going to ask it to both Jared and Phillip. Because, in a
nutshell, they both had a habit of going out to do their assignments and then
they returned home. Yet, they both claimed they wanted to be on the road, too.
I needed to know if I was overreacting to Phillip just because of the way he'd
handled the situation, and if I was overestimating Jared just because he had
everything planned out on paper. This question was going to solve it for me, in
my mind. If one of them failed, that's the one that was going home. If they
both failed, well then, they could both go home. If they both passed, I was
going to have to go with the easy out and cut Phillip loose.

Troy placed me first this time,
and then brought the guys in. The resort had a beautiful outdoor fireplace with
lots of surrounding patio stonework. Normally tables and chairs sat around to
create a gathering area. Tonight the furniture had been removed, and candles
and flowers were strategically placed to set the stage for the first really
heartbreaking goodbye.

Everyone in production knew that
these four had been the four main, real contenders. In their minds, I had kept
Stephen around that extra week just to put off the inevitable moment when I'd
be forced to send one of these four home. And they were going to do everything
they could to paint it just that way in the promos.

"Gentlemen," Troy
began, "we are gathered once again. Emmaline, as you've all heard, went
for a long run today, ironed out her feelings about tonight, and has come to a
decision. I know we're getting down to the wire and tensions can begin to run
high. I trust that you will respect her choices, and act the part of the
gentlemen that you've all portrayed yourselves to be."

Poor Troy, he'd pretty much seen
it all through the seasons of this show. I guessed I'd never stopped to think
what he must go through, trying to deal with everyone else's emotions,
especially when they become volatile. He turned to wink at me, then stepped
back.

I nodded to Troy and turned to
the guys. "Liam, I had an absolutely amazing time visiting with your
family and seeing the place you call home. Time spent with you is always enjoyable,
you keep me on my toes, and every surprise you have for me tends to score you
big points. It's been how you've proven that you know me and you pay attention
to what I like. I'd love it if you'd stay with me," I said.

He beamed from ear to ear, the
most unreserved smile I'd ever seen from him. "I'd treasure the chance to
stay with you," he said and moved to the side, to flank the fireplace.

"Michael, your family is
everything I could hope it to be. And their love for you comes shining through,
as does your love for them. Time spent with you is simply perfection. For us,
it's always been about the little moments, which are always greater in number
than monumental ones. Please stay another week."

He grinned and I swore I could
see love shining through his eyes at me. "Of course I will." He moved
to flank the other side of the fireplace.

I looked at the two guys left.
Jared standing proud and sure of himself, and Phillip trying to. It didn't
escape me that Phillip probably figured he was going home. But I was about to
throw the dog a bone and give him one last shot to redeem himself.

"Here's my problem with the
two of you," I started. "Both of you travel to do your work
assignments, and then you go home. Neither one of you have fully been living
the lifestyle that I have because you keep going home. And I have to wonder,
for both of you, how serious you really are about being out on the road with
me."

Jared's eyes widened in surprise,
as though he couldn't believe I doubted him. Phillip's eyes widened in shock
that he wasn't the only one I doubted.

"Long before I decided to
live on the road, I'd been tearing pages out of travel magazines of places that
looked interesting and fun to visit. And when I decided to do it, I made out a
list. A list of places I wanted to see. It was so long that I had to organize
it by state. I've carried the list around with me and I cross off each place
when I finally get there. So, I'm asking both of you, if you're serious about
living this way, I'd like to see your lists."

Phillip looked stupefied.

Jared smiled and pulled his phone
out of his pocket. He thumbed through screens and brought up a document.
"Here's my list," he said and stepped forward to hand me his phone so
I could see it.

I quickly scanned it. He had some
little known places on there. Some places I'd been to, but none I would mind
seeing again. Others were on my list of places to visit as well. Perfectly
compatible. I handed back the phone.

I looked at Phillip, waiting.

His gaze moved to the side.
"I don't have a list."

I nodded and cleared my throat.
"Thank you for making this decision easy for me."

He quickly looked back up at me.
"That's it? I don't fit your definition of what a goal looks like, so I'm
gone?"

"Jared was honest with me
about him returning home between work assignments, you weren't. Jared has done
nothing but try to prepare me for what I'd find at his family home, you did
nothing to prepare me. Jared has ideas and plans for how our two lives can
merge, taking care of both our needs, you don't."

"Are you honestly able to
tell me that you don't love me, after all the time we've spent together?"

"No, I do love you. But I'm
not in love with you." I kept my eyes on Phillip as I said, "Jared,
please, stay another week with me."

Something in Phillip's expression
shut off, as though he'd just constructed an emotional Fort Knox around
himself.

Something in Jared's gaze zeroed
in on mine and he held his silence.

I met his gaze and waited.

"Can you and I talk in
private?" Jared asked.

"Of course." I stepped
forward to take him out towards a wooded area, past the production lights, but
stopped closer to Phillip and spoke to him first. "Phillip, thank you for
coming here and sharing this time with me. You truly did make this experience
more rewarding and fulfilling than it ever would have been without you. I'm
just sorry that it couldn't work out between us in the end." I then
continued on, toward the back entrance.

Jared stopped to say his goodbyes
to Phillip and followed me out.

I chuckled to myself as I
wondered how Troy was going to handle getting Phillip out of there before we
got back. I drew Jared far enough away that prying eyes wouldn't be able to see
us and turned to face him, trying to ignore the scrambling camera guy, as he
picked a position to angle himself to see both of us.

"You doubt me?" Jared
asked.

"No, sweetie, I doubted
him," I answered. "I used you to call him out on some things."

"So you and I are
fine."

"Yes, you and I are
great."

"So, where's my little
speech about why you'd like me to stay?"

I smiled. "I want you to
stay because you make me melt. You think about me and what would make me happy
with everything from what I could do in the business, to where I could have an
office, to when we can park somewhere pretty for a month. You truly care about
making accommodations for both of us. You are the man with the plan. And you
make me feel loved, wanted, and respected. I
want
it to be you at the
end of this. How's that?"

"Pretty good,
actually." He moved in to give me a kiss.

We returned, Jared took his spot
in front of the fireplace, and Troy did his post-decision speech for the
cameras.

I curled up in bed that night
with Goldie, both content and nervous. Content in that I'd made the right
decision in letting go of Phillip, nervous over whom I'd have to let go of a
week from now.

"Just go ahead and sleep
with all three of them," Chloe said.

I pretended she was standing in
front of me and rolled my eyes at the wall. "I can't do that."

"Sure you can."

"No, I have to still be able
to respect myself at the end of this."

"You deserve an award for
not sleeping with any of them for this long."

"You want to give me a
chastity award?"

"Wouldn't Mommy and Daddy be
so proud?"

I snorted.

"So, don't sleep with any of
them."

"Three nights in a room with
a guy, all night, and I'm not supposed to give in to any of them? I'm too human
for that."

"Do you want me to ask
around and see if I can find an actual chastity belt for you?"

"I might be better
off."

"If you want Jared to be the
one at the end, just sleep with him and keep your panties on with the other
two."

"If it were that easy, I'd
go tell Troy right now that I'd made my decision."

"But you don't want to live
in the swamp."

"I don't want to live in the
swamp."

I heard Chloe cover the phone and
she started talking to someone in the background.

"Emmy," I heard Dad
take the phone and say. "You can't keep dragging this out, baby. Either
commit to the swamp or cut him loose. If you can't handle the swamp, you need
the time to decide between the Himalaya and my man, Mike."

"You think I can't handle
the swamp?"

"No, don't do that. Don't
focus on the challenge. Focus on your future. You either want to go live in the
swamp or you don't. If you don't, you have to be fair to him, to all of them.
If you don't care about the swamp, so long as you get him, then stop
encouraging the other two. Come on, kid, go back to that objective, rational
side of your mind and use it. You know who you want, you're just afraid. Stop
hiding behind your fear."

"What do you mean?"

"Jared isn't perfect, kiddo.
You know this. And you're blaming it on the one aspect that you know will keep
you from choosing him. If you're looking for perfection, you won't find it in
any of them. Liam will keep you away from civilization. Mike will follow a team
and you'll be expected to park the rig near them, instead of secluding yourself
during his assignments. Life with each of them will have its downfalls. That's
what happens when you combine your life with someone else's."

"So I should go live in the
swamp?"

"No. If you can't live in
the swamp, then you can't live in the swamp. I'm just saying, make sure you're
looking at all three of them and picking the best fit for yourself, based on
all the criteria. If you would choose Jared, if he lived somewhere else, then
please make sure the others don't also have roadblocks that will have you
kicking them out later, that you aren't seeing now because you're so focused on
the swamp."

"All three are really,
really good guys."

"Yes, they are. But not all
three are right for you. Don't leave the decision up to where they generally
live."

"But it's all I've got left,
Dad. Don't you see? I've weeded out the ones who won't work, despite whether
their lives could merge with mine. I'm down to three guys who all say they love
me, and I can't deny having feelings for them. Where they live is all I have
left."

"Just make sure you aren't
getting rid of the next guy just because he's the easiest choice to
eliminate."

"Are you deliberately trying
to make this harder for me?"

"No, baby, I'm just saying
that if you love all three of them, be careful. Once you ditch a guy this late
in the game, there's no going back if you find out you made a mistake."

"You are trying to make this
harder for me."

"You always work better the
more pressure you're under. I love you, kid."

"I love you, too, Dad."

I stuck my
tongue out at the phone before I hung up. All he'd done with his sage advice is
make me doubt myself far more than I already was, the butt hole. Now I was
going to spend the entire rest of my morning reevaluating all three of my
relationships.