Walk of Shame (39 page)

My freaking eyes wouldn't stay
open on the flight north to Baltimore on Wednesday morning. I reclined the
chair as far back as it would go, wiggled into a comfy position on my side, and
was dead to the world before we'd even flown over a state line.

Phillip was waiting for me at the
airport, he was so eager to see me. I was greeted with a bouquet of carnations
in a rainbow of colors, a bright smile, and a kiss that included him copping a
feel of my ass. I laughed at the man who'd always played things a bit reserved
in front of the others. It was nice to see him at ease in public.

"We're going to take a car
to the inner harbor and then take the boat through the bay and up the
Susquehanna."

"Your parents live on the
water?"

"No, a few streets back. But
I rent a spot for the rig and a boat slip at the marina between the house and
the water."

"Ah."

Phillip pointed and shouted above
the wind as we went, gesturing to different places and telling me what they
were. We made port, and as we walked the distance to his parents' house, he
pointed to a hook-up camping spot and told me that was his spot.

My brows drew together in
confusion. "Why would you rent a permanent spot?" If he spent most of
his time on the road, it made no sense to fork out the money that this must
cost.

He shrugged the question away.
"They fill up so fast here six months of the year that I just keep the
spot rented so I can come home whenever I feel like it."

"That must cost a small
fortune."

"Not really, I pay a reduced
year-round rate. Plus, I can give them the dates that I know I'll be gone and
they rent it out. They bank half of it and credit the other half to my account,
it just happens to be empty at the moment."

"You timeshare your
spot?"

He smiled. "Kind of, I
guess, in a backward sort of way."

We made our way to the house,
where I met his parents, older brother, sister-in-law and nieces. His sister was
in software, and had moved to Seattle a few years ago to start working her way
up through the companies out there. And the younger brother lived up in Maine
and was in land development.

His parents looked like my
grandparents. And I got the impression that Phillip and his older brother helped
with things like mowing the lawn and upkeep projects around the house. And then
I overheard a little tidbit, as the crew was swapping out batteries in
equipment and I had slipped into the bathroom and back out, between father and
son that sure made it sound like his mother was in the process of being
diagnosed with what was likely to be Alzheimer's.

I sat down with his mother and
sister-in-law to talk, and found out some interesting things. Phillip lived in
his rig, true, but he returned to town every time he was between jobs. He
always had, before he was married, then during, and after. It seemed the
stories he'd shared with me over the last few weeks, about the places he'd been
to, had all been places he'd gone to for assignments.

I shut my mouth, smiled and
nodded, and wrapped my mind around this information.

His parents had a gazebo out in
the backyard, and that's where Phillip took me to talk after dinner. He tried
to lean in for a kiss, but I dodged him.

"What's the matter?" he
asked.

"You don't travel. You
travel for work, and then you come home. That's not what you led me to believe.
I was led to believe that your work dictated your travels to a degree, and that
you only come home to visit."

He sighed and slouched back,
putting a small distance between us. "I didn't want to travel around
alone. And then my wife didn't want to spend all her time on the road. And then
she was sick and then I was mourning, and then I was back to not wanting to be
out there alone. It's something I want to do, but the stars haven't aligned for
it to happen."

"So... Let's say we get to
the end of this and I choose you, are you going to give up your year-round slot
at the marina?"

"And when we come back to
visit and there's no spot?"

I pursed my lips and shrugged. "We'll
be planning ahead for your field assignments and my required travels. We can
schedule the dates to visit here ahead of time. I'm sure with your long history
of patronage they'll give you first dibs on dates. And there are other marinas
down here with camping spots, right?"

"My boat..."

"We can tow the boat in the
summer, if you want."

"How much time do you spend
at your parents?" he asked me.

"Usually about a week, every
few months. It's about a month total per year."

He made a face.

"How long were you thinking
to be here?"

"More like a week per
month."

"That's not living on the
road. By the time we do your work stuff, my work stuff, visit with my family,
and spend a quarter of our time here, there's no time to park the rig anywhere
and just hang there. Where's the exploration? Where's the parking by somewhere
pretty and letting me write while you research? I take notes, gather research,
and make outlines wherever I'm at, and then I park by a lake, a mountain, or
something interesting for a month and come out with a complete rough draft for
a novel. Then I edit and revise wherever I am. Where's my month in the middle
of nowhere to write up my rough draft?"

"Jared's going to have you
holed up in the bayou taming alligators, and he's still around."

"Jared's been very upfront
about how his life is and what he expects it to be. I can pick spots to go
during the winter to park it and create, then explore when I need a break. And
he's doing it because his filler job in between assignments is part of a family
business. It constitutes part of his livelihood."

"My parents are older."

"I know."

"If I'm not around,
everything falls on my older brother and sister-in-law."

"I've figured that out today."

He sighed, looking down at the
wooden planks of the gazebo floor.

"Look, I need you to figure
out what you want to do, realistically. And then be upfront about it with
me," I told him. "I'm not about throwing someone to the curb just
because their way of life will take some compromise on my part. But what I do
want is a plan, a real one, so we both know what we can expect and can decide
if it's something we both want and can make work. Saying you want to be a nomad
and actually doing it are two different things. If I required my life to stay
as close to the same as possible, then I would have chosen Stephen. Short
assignments, flexibility on the location, it would have melded with my life so
easily. But you don't see him anywhere around now, do you?"

He smiled. "No."

"Do not set my expectations
up for one thing and then think we'll be doing something different, once we get
to living this life. That's not fair to me, and will make this whole thing a
waste of time because I won't end up with what I wanted."

"I get it."

"You need to take some time
before we see each other again to figure out what you want and what you're
willing to give. And be honest about it. I don't want you out there, miserable,
because you really want to be here."

He nodded. "One of us will
end up resenting the other."

"Uh, guys?" the
cameraman said.

"Yeah?" Phillip asked.

"We have to get going back
to the airport, if we're going to make our projected takeoff time."

Phillip pinned me with his eyes.
"I don't like leaving this unresolved."

"Well neither do I, but you
need time to figure things out."

"I love you, Em. I don't
want to lose you over this."

"If you love me, then be
honest with me."

"I wasn't trying to lie. I
want to live on the road."

"But do you really? Or are
you more enamored with the
idea
of living on the road."

"How far away from your
parents would you say we are?" he asked.

"I looked it up earlier on
the GPS, about an hour or so."

"So, in theory, if I was
needed here while we were visiting your folks, I could get down here to do what
I needed to do."

"Yeah... But if you
disappear every time I visit up in Pennsylvania, don't expect me to be here
when we visit here."

"But, if needed, it's an
option."

"Yes."

"All right."

"All right..." I looked
around and the camera guy gestured to his watch. "Are we going back by
boat, or are we driving?" I asked Phillip.

"Oh! Sorry, got lost in
thought there. Yes, we're taking the boat back. I wanted you to see the lights
on the water. They'll have a car waiting for you to take you and the crew back
to the airport." He got up and started walking.

I scrambled and followed after
him. We went back inside the house so I could grab my purse and I could say
goodbye to his parents. Then we walked back down to the marina and boarded the
boat.

I saw the lights, and they were
pretty. But the whole time we were traveling, all I could think about was how
Phillip had gone from Mr. Wonderful to Mr. I-Don't-Know-You. What the hell else
was he keeping his mouth shut about? Did he have a pet boa constrictor, too?

When we got back to Baltimore, I
was still so put off by the whole visit that I couldn't do more than give him a
quick peck goodbye. I could tell he was disappointed in how the day had gone.
But, damn it, so was I.

I got in the
car and tried to process the visit in a way that wouldn't have me writing
Phillip off, in a knee-jerk reaction. Maybe he could come up with a game plan
that could accommodate us both. It would make holidays much easier to contend
with if I married someone whose parents were only an hour away from mine.
Besides, it was unfair to judge him off one incident. We'd had nothing but good
incidents up until last week. And the one from last week wasn't really his
fault. I'm the one that made assumptions that time.

We landed in Edinburgh just after
six in the morning, almost an hour before our scheduled arrival. The winds had
been good to us and helped push us along. We all climbed into the van and arrived
at Liam's parents' front door just as Liam was putting on his shoes to drive to
the airport to come get me.

I got out and walked into his
arms. My mind was still a mess after the whole Phillip thing, but the minute
Liam arms wrapped around me I was able to relax and take a few breaths to re-center
myself, letting the Maryland thing go for now. I was with Liam, I was in
Scotland, and it was time to enjoy them both.

I looked up at him and smiled.
"Hi."

He grinned down at me before giving
me a lingering kiss. "Hi."

"What's on the docket for
the day?"

"Well, it's Edinburgh in
August, so there's a world-wide fair going on in the city."

"Oh, my God, yes! The
Military Tattoo."

"Right. So I thought we'd
spend the morning on the Royal Mile, enjoying the festivities. Then we can walk
back, hitting a couple smaller affairs going on throughout the city, have
dinner and conversation with my family for a couple hours, then we can all go
to the show. How does that sound?"

"It sounds amazing."

The day was perfect, I have no
other word for it. I snagged a couple souvenirs along the way, too. People from
all six of the populated continents were present at the event. People traveled halfway
around the world to see this show every year. That fact was amazing to me, and
to be able to be a part of it was humbling.

And his family! I could gush
about them for days. His nieces were downright enchanting. Three brothers, two
sisters, two of them married. There wasn't a bad thing I could say about any of
them.

I was so content, it was
disgusting.

A storm front had been moving in
throughout the military demonstrations, in which multiple countries had taken a
turn at showing off for their enthusiastic audience. The cloud cover was
looking ominous by the time we returned to the home. A producer, who'd followed
us along all day, had been walking several paces back. She finally hung up her
phone, trying to look disappointed.

"Our pilot isn't comfortable
flying in this weather and has convinced the network to keep us grounded until
morning," she said.

"Oh, darn," I said,
matching her mock disappointment.

"It's Scotland," Liam
said. "It'll blow over."

"Not according to the
satellite scans, it's a large system. The clouds could be heavy for
hours," she said.

"Oh, no," I said,
grim-faced and frowning. "However will we occupy that time?"

Liam laughed. "Are you girls
tired?"

The producer shook her head.

"I'm too wired to be
tired," I replied.

He nodded to the producer.
"Tell them we're throwing a wrench into the works." He gave a pointed
glance at the camera and turned to me. It was something I had noticed over the
last few weeks, he did that whenever he was about to do something that editing
would want to be able to use to further paint the romance.

-Production had lectured the guys
repeatedly about trying to carry on conversation with both me and the crew at
the same time. Production didn't like it because it's hard to paint the picture
of a fairy tale moment when the people having it didn't pretend that there
wasn't a camera crew and probably some production members walking around with
them.-

"You want to climb into my
car and take a drive?"

I smiled like a child about to
get away with stealing candy, I could even feel my nose scrunch. "Where
would you take me?"

"Do you want to see St.
Andrews?"

St. Andrews had medieval ruins,
and was on the coast of the North Sea. It was full of history, and despite the
tourists and modern technology, it still felt small, old, and quaint. "I'd
love to."

"Good." He turned to
the producer. "Tell them if the weather holds poor, we'll be back in
plenty of time. If not, she's saved them money by cutting this whole thing a
couple weeks short. They can afford to hold the plane at the airport for an
extra couple hours."

The producer smiled mischievously.
"I'd give you a lecture about that kind of thought process, but I want to
go, too. It'll take me a few minutes to sell them on it. Give your keys to the
crew so they can rig cameras in your vehicle."

I looked at Liam with my eyes
dancing. I wanted to tell him I loved him in that moment. But I wasn't supposed
to say such things, no matter how spontaneously they wanted to bubble out of
me.

He looked at me with a very
pleased look on his face. "They're going to sic Troy on you, on the flight
back."

I grabbed the front of his shirt
to pull him toward me. "You have no idea how much I don't care right
now."

His eyes had moved to my mouth as
I spoke. He fiddled in his pocket for a second, grabbing his keys. He tossed
them towards the crew before lifting me up in his embrace to kiss me so
thoroughly, I was a little embarrassed to be out in public while doing it.

It was late when we set out to
drive through the cloudy night. It made me think of teenage road trips, which
were always best if taken spontaneously, in the dead of night. The crew would
be riding in the network's rental car behind us, giving us the illusion of
being alone, despite the small cameras and microphones.

Liam had gone inside before we
left, to tell someone that he wouldn't be back tonight and grabbed a couple
drinks for us, for the road. When he came back out and got behind the wheel, he
looked at me and grinned.

"What?" I asked.

"You. That smile on your
face. I don't think I've seen you smile like that the whole time I've known
you. I like it."

"I hadn't even realized I
was grinning. I guess I'm happy not to have to go rushing straight back. It's
been a long week and it's only half over. I guess I'm glad to make it all wait
for a night."

"You looked tired and
stressed this morning. You also looked a little heartbroken. I'm glad to see
that's gone now."

"It's because of you. This
is exactly what I needed."

"I didn't make the clouds
roll in."

"No, but they did. And
you've saved me from a sleepless night with endless debates rolling around in my
head."

"I'm sorry this has been so
rough on you. I didn't see it as really being all that stressful on you until
last week. And now this week, flights every day, running every moment that your
feet are on the ground, I can't imagine. But, if a little stolen road trip is
all that it takes to make you beam like that, then it's no wonder you live the
way you do."

"You know, it never gets
old. Discovering a new place or revisiting a favorite."

"No, it doesn't."

"Thank you for stealing me
away tonight."

"You're most welcome."

It only took little more than an
hour to get to St. Andrews. He gave me the driven tour around town first, then
we picked a spot to park and we talked, smooched, and talked some more while we
waited for the sun to rise. We scoped out the ruins and had breakfast in a
small diner before hitting the road for the return trip to Edinburgh.

Liam parked his car and then
surprised me by climbing into the network rental with me, having put his own
luggage bag in the trunk first.

He shrugged when he caught my
expression. "I have to be back for the
Walk of Shame
anyway,
right?"

I leaned over and hugged him in
the backseat. "I like that you're coming with me."

"The original plan was for
me to stay until tomorrow. But now we're only talking a day's worth of
difference. This way, they don't have to pay for my commercial flight ticket,
and I get to fly on the private jet with you."

The plan that I'd had for the
plane ride back to the States was to sleep. But after we'd taken off, I laid
out the reclining chair and proceeded to toss and turn, as best as one could on
a chair. Thoughts from the last four days kept intruding and confusing me. I
kept replaying not only moments from this week, but from all the weeks in my
head. I was trying to find fault with each of the guys. But even when I found
faults, their goodness always seemed to counter-balance.

I finally gave up on the idea of
sleep and sat up.

Liam had been dozing in the chair
next to mine. But he'd opened his eyes and watched me thoughtfully for a moment
while I looked out the window at the vast ocean. Finally, he stood and pulled
me to my feet, before leading me over to a short couch. He reclined us both
back and I laughed because I hadn't known the couch could recline back like the
chairs had.

He grabbed a couple blankets from
the shelf under the side table, spread them over us, then leaned back and
pulled me up against him to cuddle me. "Sleep, baby."

His calm and patience must have
overpowered my worried will, because I turned in his arms, cuddled my head to
his chest, and drifted off.

We landed back in Montana and
were driven out to our rigs, which had been pulled out of storage and set up
for us by production, at a resort along a different lake than before. Liam was
at one end of the resort, Goldie and I at the other. The other guys' rigs would
join Liam's as they arrived over the course of the next day and a half. I was
supposed to be using this time to reflect on my choices.

Troy helped with that. Of course,
he did it by showing me clips of the week and having me state my reactions to
things that were said and done.

For Mike, I had nothing but good
things to say. His family had made me feel at home, despite the inquisition.
And even the manner in which the brothers had questioned me had given me the
impression that, should I choose their brother, their circle of protection
would then include me. There was something to be said for that. And, besides
that, Mike was Mike. He was good, and fair, and solid. He was the one I always
checked and balanced myself against. He'd been a sounding board for me during
all those morning runs. He'd been a constant I could count on. And yeah, he'd
shown me his insecurity at times, but that just made him even more honest in my
eyes. Mike wasn't the kind of guy you 'fell' in love with. He was the kind that
sneaked his way into your heart, pouring cement into each crack, strengthening
it, without you even realizing it. Then one day you wake up and, boom, there he
is, invading your thoughts. Sneaky little bastard.

Jared, oh, Jared. The man was
awesome. I could so easily picture my life with him... if I could just pluck
him out of the damn swamp. I really, really, really, wanted to pick Jared. I
did. But I really, really, really didn't want to have to go live in the swamp nine
months out of the year. I loved the idea of the family business. And I had no
problems with the concept of wildlife conservation. But, ugh, the swamp. And
the swamp was so obviously a part of him. That was something that had really
hit home with me the day I'd spent with him this week. So how could I think
myself to be in love with him when I hated the swamp? And would I still feel so
lovey-dovey with him once we were out in the middle of nowhere and he came back
to the rig covered in mud? But, to be fair, I couldn't rule out the idea that I
might actually grow to like and appreciate swampland and creatures if I just
gave in, picked Jared, and went off to live there.

Phillip, the whole thing just had
me wanting to bang my head against a wall. It had been Phillip's intelligence
and maturity that had made him sexy as hell to me from day one. The man had
done nothing for weeks but make me smile and turn me on. But the fact that he
didn't have a plan as to how our life would realistically run, or that he hadn't
told me he has a permanent setup for his rig, it just went against everything I
thought I knew about him. I knew he had been keeping information to himself, I
figured he was just the quiet type, but I hadn't known he was keeping so many
things from me. And I couldn't decide if it was that he didn't want to plan for
something he might not get, or that he had a plan and knew I wouldn't like it.
Either way, it just seemed to me that someone with so much intelligence and
maturity would have had a plan.

And Liam, oh good Lord, Liam. I
could feel the smile stretch across my face just thinking about the trip I'd
taken with him. The whole trip over had been absolutely wonderful. The only
issue I was having was in separating how much of my enjoyment stemmed directly from
him and his family, and how much was from being in Scotland. Would he have
impressed me as much if his parents had come to Colorado and we'd visited them
with his father's side of the family instead? I didn't have a ready answer for
that. It was just that Liam always seemed to have this air of magic around him.
I had to wonder if I'd be so head-over-heels for him if he weren't so Scottish.
But, Scotland was a part of him and I loved Scotland.

Liam and Jared were two peas in
exact opposite pods.

I slept long
and hard that night, with Goldie sympathetically snuggled against my stomach. I
couldn't decide if it was because I was exhausted from all my travels, or if it
was because I was using sleep as an escape from my mental debates.