Waking Up With You (24 page)

“Yes. We leave at noon. Don’t dress up. Jeans and sweater are fine. I’ll provide the Santa hat.”

I can’t help but smile weakly. “Well, that’s three hours from now, so let’s not waste your delicious casserole,” I say, as I help myself to the dish.

“What’s the verdict?” he asks as he watches me eat.

“You are a needy chef, but fine, I’ll give it 4 stars.”

“I’m hurt. Why not five?”

“You used maple pork sausage. I would have used hot and spicy.”

“You’re just saying that. I’m pretty sure I deserve a five,” he insists.

“Conceited. Just so you know, I think you were a tad stingy with your seasoned pepper.” I snort condescendingly.

He lets out a guffaw. “You’ll be punished for your cheekiness later,” he threatens half-amusedly.

I savor my tea mixed with lemon and honey. I want to be alone right now, but I go through the motions of pretending to have a pleasant breakfast with him, though I somehow manage to tune him out at some point.

“Em, did you hear what I said?”

“What? Sorry. I was just thinking about the new year,” I say lamely.

“I’m sorry to spring this on you suddenly, but I need to go to New York tomorrow. There are some legal matters I need to finish before the end of the year.”

I carefully compose myself and let nothing show on my face. “For how long?”

“I’ll be back on the 28
^th
.”

“Legal matters, did you say?”

“Yes. A deposition I can’t get out of. Just like two days ago. This one’s being held under special circumstances, by request of the plaintiff.”

Well, it’s not like he’s completely lying. He does have to attend to some ‘legal’ matters, and by legal he means the beautiful Christina – the love of his life.

Say it, Em.
Tell him what’s in your heart
. It’s now or never. I open my mouth to speak, and then I close it again. What’s the point? It’s obvious he can’t let go of her. I am the inadequate substitute. He loves her.

Well, it’s Christmas, so it’s only right that I give him what he truly wants and needs – a life with her, unencumbered by my presence. He will never leave me —that I’m sure of — so I should step aside and give them a chance at happiness.

We don’t just have lunch at the shelter. We actually help out in the kitchen, preparing the platters and setting the tables. There are a few other volunteers, but Jake almost single-handedly arranges everything in place. Even the presents are neatly arrayed under the eight-foot tree.

I shed a tear or two as I listen to some of the residents’ tales of misfortune. Their gratitude in the face of monumental problems makes me recognize that everyone is capable of tenacity and resilience. There is always a silver lining.

Right after lunch, someone starts playing the piano and we all join in the singing of Christmas carols. Jake looks like he fits in so easily with everyone. He knows almost everyone by name, whether staff or resident. I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows their stories as well.

I go to the kitchen to see if my help is needed, and I see Anita and two other ladies finishing up.

“Do you need something, Emma?” she asks.

“No, as a matter of fact, I actually wanted to find out if I could help, but you seem to have taken care of everything.”

“Not much tidying up, child. The miracle of paper plates,” she says brightly.

“Anita, does Jake come here a lot? He seems to know everyone.”

‘Yes, he does. He’s a hands-on kind of patron. Though these past three months, we hardly saw him because of his work.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“If you know about his childhood, you’ll understand why he feels drawn to the homeless. I’ve known Jake ever since he was a child.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I was their neighbor.”

“So you must have known Jake’s foster parents, too? You know, I don’t think I ever got to meet them. My brother did, but I never had the privilege.”

“It’s just as well. I don’t know if your brother ever talked about them.”

“Actually, he never did. Jake and Charlie were very loyal to one another. I’m pretty sure there were things Charlie knew that he never told me.”

“Yes, I did see your brother from time to time. They usually had lemonade and cookies on my porch during the summer, when I was off from teaching. Charlie was Jake’s only close friend. He was devastated when he found out about your brother’s illness.”

I don’t say anything for fear of starting the waterworks.

“Listen, child, take care of Jake. He’s a good man. You are the only family he has left. Belinda, his foster mom – I think that at the start she wanted to be a good parent, but she just didn’t have it in her, you know. Some women just don’t have the instinct. His foster dad left when he wasn’t even two. Jake was usually left alone, or his mom would come home in the wee hours of the night after drinking and spending time with strange men. I think he thought of himself as homeless, except that he had a roof over his head. He learned to fend for himself, so he grew up pretty fast. The only time he was ever allowed to be a child was when he was with your family.”

“I didn’t know it was that terrible.”

“How could you? You came along when he was already a young boy. So, I’m just saying, he has a chance now to build a family with you. Take care of him, Emma. Love him. That’s all he wants and needs.”

I hold her hand for a few seconds. “Anita, he is everything to me.” She smiles, contented to hear my words.
If only I was everything to him
.

Soft jazz is playing on his Bose speaker dock. I turn off the lights and light a dozen serenity candles all around the room. He comes out of the bathroom with a thick towel around his waist. He looks around and calls my name questioningly, “Em?”

“Relax. I know you’re tired, so I just want to give you a massage.”

“A massage?” I nod and press his shoulders so he can lay down on the bed. I slowly take off his towel and I hear a loud sigh.

“It’s warm, so I hope you don’t mind if I take off my robe.”

He looks sideways and sees me completely naked. “Emma…”

“Shhh. Just lie down and enjoy.”

I pour some lotion into my hand and start to knead his feet. I work my way up his legs and thighs. I feel him go rigid, but I continue to caress. My hands move up to his back and shoulders.

“You are so tense,” I say teasingly.

“I think you know why,” he responds dryly.

“Well, you just have to relax. Stop thinking.”

I straddle his waist and bend ever so slowly to palm circles around his knotted areas. My breasts hang freely and touch his back from time to time. My throat starts to constrict and my nipples harden. I say nothing, but it’s difficult for me to continue without doing more.

“Feeling better?” I whisper.

“See for yourself,” he says, as he turns around to face me.

I redden at the sight of his magnificent body. I say nothing, but put more lotion into my palms. I proceed to slide my hands up the inside of his thighs. He is swollen and throbbing, and I am mesmerized. I go down hungrily and grip him firmly, pushing him down my throat, like I can’t get enough. I feel him growing even bigger in my mouth, so I move up and down in a steady rhythm.

He propels himself to a sitting position and grabs my arms. “I must have you now,” he says in an almost guttural voice. He sits me on his thighs and plunges into me. We share long, drugged kisses as he fondles my breasts. My thighs encircle his back tightly. He lowers his knees and tilts his body forward, and I feel his movements even more intensely. My hips thrust in sync with his. I begin to contract and my body bears down as ripples of pleasure overcome me. His mouth clamps down on mine in searing passion. He pushes all the way into me and then convulses.

I shower his face and neck with light, tender kisses, imprinting them in my memory, and I smell and breathe him in for the last time. He goes to sleep with my hand in his. I gaze at him while I remain awake, knowing we will never have another night like this.
Sweet dreams, my love
.

It rains hard the day after Christmas. It’s as if the flood gates in the sky have opened in commiseration with how I feel. The sky is dark grey and the rain falls in a heavy, noisy curtain.

“Jake, is it safe for you to travel in this weather? It’s really pouring out there.” I bite my lip to hide my nervousness.

“It will be okay, Em. This is mainly California. It doesn’t carry over to the East Coast. I’ll call you when I land,” he promises.

I stop at the drop-off zone of the airport. He leans over to kiss me on the cheek and then opens his door. As soon as he steps out, I cry out, “Jake! Wait!”

I get out of the car, unmindful of the rain. “Em, get back in the car. You’ll be soaking wet.”

I walk over quickly to the curb and I give him a tight hug. “Be safe,” I say quietly.

He looks at me for a few moments and then I pretend to smile. I go inside the car, the droplets of water on my parka sliding onto the seat. I wave to him and he walks into the terminal. Tears start running down my face and I whimper from my inner pain. I can’t seem to stop, and I hold down my head while my shoulders heave. Finally, the car behind me blows its horn and I come to my senses. I start to drive slowly back home.

As soon as I go through the front door, Mika excitedly jumps to greet me and, again, I feel my eyes begin to water. “Did you miss me? Did you?” I kneel to pick her up and then I sit on the sofa with the puppy on my lap. I stay still, except for my right hand, rubbing Mika’s back.

I organize my thoughts. Somehow I have to come up with a plan. I have to map out my path for at least the next six to twelve months. I need to get my act together. I actually never thought it would come to this. What was I thinking?

I’m beyond scared about doing this. But love is about selflessness. Jake belongs with Christina. And I’m the albatross around his neck. I need to let go. I need to stand on my own two feet now. Jake’s not going to be there for me anymore.
Oh, Emma. Can you do this?

“I’m sorry, little one, but I need to do a few things right now,” I say to Mika, after I put her in her crate. She seems to understand, and doesn’t whine as she usually does.

I go to my room and turn on the laptop. I quickly check my account balances. I have about a thousand in my checking and forty-five hundred in my savings – all from my work at Jake’s firm. I’m not going to touch the account he set up for me to draw from. It’s not mine to use.

I need a good second-hand car. It’s nearly impossible to move around the county without one. That’s at least three thousand. I check craigslist for rentals. The cheapest option is to share an apartment or rent a room. That will set me back about five to six hundred a month. I definitely need to get a job and only take classes at night.

I do my potential expenses on a spreadsheet – the rent, food, gas, maintenance. Forget about insurance. Even with the minimal amounts, I won’t be able to make it on a job that pays minimum wage.
Suck it up, Emma
. I’m not the first one to sacrifice education. I just have to quit school for now. If I’m careful with my money, I can save enough to go back in two years.

The most important thing right now is to find work. I need to be sure that I at least have a steady income before I can rent a room and move my stuff. I decide to call Paige and see if she has any idea where I can turn in my resume.

Paige answers on the second ring. “Ho-ho-ho!”

“Hi, Paige. Can we talk?”

“Start talking.”

“I need a job, like right now. Do you know anyone who’s looking for help?”

“Give me ten minutes and I’ll call you back,” she says quickly.

True to her word, my phone rings after seven minutes. “Paige?”

“Dad says the hospital’s looking for an admin assistant to be assigned to the Records Section. It’s full-time, though. Eleven an hour. He can easily get you hired.” She gives me the details fast.

“Just like that, I can have a job?” I don’t dare to rejoice until I’m certain.

“Yeah. Just like that.”

“I’ll take it. How soon do I start?”

“January 5
^th
, as far as I know.”

“Paige, can your Dad really get me in?”

“Of course. Have no doubt. It’s a sure thing.”

“Thanks so much, Paige.”

“Hold on a sec, Em. Are you leaving Jake?” Her voice is filled with worry.

“Yes. I’m taking off the band-aid quickly and with as little pain as possible.” If only that were true.

“Em, didn’t you talk to him? Didn’t you tell him how you feel about this messed-up triangle he has with you and that other woman?”

“No. What’s the point? He just left again. For New York this time. The Sawyers have an apartment on Fifth Avenue, so the reason is obvious. He said it was for some legal stuff but it’s the holidays. Why should I believe that?”

“I just think you’re making too many assumptions and you’re not giving him a chance to explain himself. You’ve been intimate. The man would have to be a jackass to make love to you and then go running to her.”

“Don’t you understand? What we had was just physical. I’m his wife. He’s entitled to my body. After all, he paid for it.”

“Emma! You’re talking like you’re some whore he’s using to get his rocks off. I refuse to believe it’s that way. You want to be with him. Why is it so hard to believe that it’s the same way with him?”

“Because it’s not. We’ve been over this a million times. Every time you speak, I get my hopes up. Maybe Paige is right. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, guess what, every single time, my hopes are dashed without mercy. It’s not just you. I do it to myself, too. I have a wonderful day with him, and I allow myself to think it means more than companionship. But it doesn’t… Don’t say anything anymore, Paige. I’m done. I love him. This is what it’s about. I love him so I shouldn’t be in his way. He was never mine. He never will be,” I say my piece in a monotone. I don’t freaking care anymore.

There is silence on the other side of the line.

“Do you need help with anything?” she asks me gently.