Waking Up With You (26 page)

There are five people in the room – three of them men. All eyes turn on me.

Pamela starts to introduce me to everyone. “Everyone, this is our new records administrative assistant. Emma Morgan. Emma,” she looks at me. “Art, John, Martin, Luisa and Roxanne.” They all smile or wave at me and I shyly say a quick “Hello, everyone.”

“Emma, each one in Records handles a specific area. You’ll be assigned to patients A through G. Obviously, everything is computerized, so you’ll undergo training on the software that’s being used to input the data. John is the supervisor, so he’s in charge of your training.”

Everything is moving at lightning speed, but I’m glad I won’t have a lot of idle time. “You’ll be reporting on the fifth. That’s what my notes say.”

“I will be here,” I promise Pamela.

“Okay, when you come in, just talk to John. He’ll know what to do.”

“Bye, everyone. I’ll see you soon,” I address the group. They nod in my direction and then turn back to the work in front of them.

I go back home and give Paige a call.

“Thank you so much, Paige. I wanna call your Dad to say thanks, but I know that at this time of the year, you guys are probably on your way to another party.”

“You can say that again. We’re on our way to Ranchos Palos Verdes where one of Dad’s doctor friends is holding a combined New Year - Wedding Anniversary party. Besides, Dad loves you like his own, you know that. I did tell him you should be getting at least $40 an hour, but he said that, unfortunately, he can’t do anything about the salary tier. After a month or two, he’ll look for a better opening for you.”

“I am so grateful, believe me.”

“I was thinking that if you’re bent on moving, you can come stay with me. I have two extra bedrooms. Choose one.”

“Paige, I can’t do that. I’m trying to make it on my own. I can’t be leaning on you. You’ve already done so much for me. That job alone is heaven-sent.”

“What’s with you and being overly thankful? You always make it sound like you owe people the biggest favors. These are just little things, Em. Don’t make it sound like I’ve given you a million dollars,” she says irately.

“It doesn’t matter. A job is a big thing. You don’t see it that way because of your privileged background.”

“Don’t start a fight with me, Emma Morgan.”

“I’m not. You and your Dad gave me a job. Without that, I wouldn’t even be able to leave. That means a lot to me.”

“Fine. I know this argument is not going anywhere. Hey, why don’t you come as my plus-one tonight? Mark can’t make it.”

“God, no, you’ll hate to have me as your date. I’m just not up to it, Paige.”

“Okay, I hear you. If you change your mind, I’ll text you the address. Talk to you later.”

“Talk to you later.”

I go to my room to start packing. Mika seems to be eyeing me with suspicion. She knows. “Hey, girl, wanna help me pack?” She looks at me and then turns away. Wow, it’s like she really understands what’s going on. I start removing the clothes from the drawers. Then the dresses on the hangers are next to go. The garment bag holding my Eva Swanson gown is carefully folded on top.

One by one, I pack my purses, shoes, and few costume accessories, and store them in the box that I found in the garage. The family keepsakes are going into a smaller box. It just takes me two hours to put everything away.

I turn on the laptop and download my documents into a flash drive. I have a cloud as a back-up for all my personal and school files, but a flash drive is a second back-up, just in case. I feel it’s only right that I don’t leave Jake and his staff in the lurch. To this end, I’m typing up everything that Dan needs to know about my work. That way, he can easily train the new person and pass on the passwords and other relevant information. I’d like to be able to stay on and do that myself, but I’m not sure if Jake would even want me to associate with his staff after we go our separate ways. Anyway, I’m not emailing Dan today. I’ll do that when I’m at the new place.

I look around the room, and there is really nothing else. I sit on the edge of the bed, pick up Mika, and put her on my lap. My thoughts turn to the future. There are no tears left inside of me. I’m all cried-out. Mentally, I am ready to move on, but emotionally far from it. I feel myself getting tougher by the hour, but there’s still that small part of me that wants to cling to my life here with Jake. One day at a time, Emma.
One day at a time.

Jake arrives at five this afternoon. He’s taking the shuttle home, so I don’t have to pick him up from the airport. I will be gone by then.

After Mika’s usual morning walk, I have toast and a cup of coffee. Mika has her breakfast with me. Anyone looking at both of us will easily see how miserable we both feel. It’s true what they say about dogs. They have some kind of internal radar. They sense your mood and know if trouble is coming. Mika hangs her head low like she’s downright unhappy. She knows. She sees the state that I’m in and knows what’s coming next.

I cannot leave Jake without saying goodbye, so I go to my room to write a heartfelt letter. I don’t know how he will react, but what I want is for him to feel relieved of his burden. I want him to know I will be alright on my own.

I spend a lot of time thinking of what I should say. A mountain of crumpled pieces of paper ends up in my wastebasket. The greeting alone takes me several minutes. ‘My dearest Jake’. Scratch that. ‘Dear Jake’. So the letter begins.

Dear Jake,

From the very start, we both knew our arrangement would end one day. That day has come. It’s time for me to move on, to learn to stand on my own two feet. And it’s time for you to be happy with the woman you really love.

Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for Charlie and me. I shall never, ever forget you and your many kindnesses.

Please keep Charlie’s watch to remember us by.

Emma

I want to say more, to pour my very soul into it, but I stop myself, knowing it will only make him feel worse. So I don’t say what I really want to say: I love you. I want you in my life. Choose me.

What was that quote I once read? “If you can’t figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.”

I put Charlie’s watch in its original box and seal it along with the letter in a brown envelope. I label the envelope with Jake’s name. I take the wedding bracelet, the earrings he gave me for Christmas, and my car keys, and bring everything to his bedroom. I can’t just leave everything out in the open, so I open his bedside drawer to put the keys and jewelry inside.

My heart skips a beat when I see our wedding picture. He actually printed it from his cell phone photo gallery. Why? Jake doesn’t seem to be the sentimental type and, even if he were, I don’t think our wedding represents anything of great significance to him. I gaze at it with unblinking eyes for a very long time. Then I notice a black velvet case beside it.
No, it can’t be
. I open it with trembling hands, knowing exactly what I’ll see.

Inside is the diamond necklace that I accidentally saw when I was about to go out of the bathroom. I was so sure he had given it to Christina. Why is it still here? When does he intend to give it to her? Is it possible that I jumped to the wrong conclusions?

My head is spinning. Once again, I’m distrustful of where I stand. So certain one minute, vacillating between hope and hopelessness the next. Analysis paralysis – that’s how they refer to this pattern of over-thinking. “Charlie,” I involuntarily call his name for help.
What does this all mean?

I hurriedly retrieve my jacket from the coat closet. After I put on Mika’s harness and leash, we go to the car and start to drive. Forest Lawn is fifteen minutes away. I park close to where his burial place is. There are quite a few people paying a visit to their departed loved ones. Unlike them, I have no flowers nor candles, but my brother never cared for things like that anyway. I sit beside his grave and put Mika on my lap. I absent-mindedly touch his marker, still unable to accept that he’s no longer around. “Charlie, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what to think anymore,” I whisper. My grief surges with every breath.

From out of nowhere, a breeze as soft as a lingering caress passes my way. As the leaves rustle, Mika barks at someone’s presence. I look around and see a tall, dark-haired man. Jake? But the man turns and I can clearly see it’s not him. He smiles, and then it dawns on me. A single teardrop rolls down my cheek and the weight in my chest lifts away.
I have to go back.

I rush to the car with Mika trailing along. I call Marianne’s number, but she doesn’t pick up. I drive to her condominium unit. I leave Mika in the car, with the window half open. After a minute of knocking on Marianne’s door, I hear a voice from inside saying, “I’m coming.” She opens the door, looking like I’ve disturbed her from her sleep.

“Emma, you’re early. I thought you said this afternoon.”

“Marianne, I’m so sorry. I can’t move here. I can’t leave my husband.” I’m talking fast and stuttering in the process.

“Husband? Did I hear you right?” She looked half-asleep and rather confused.

“I tried to reach you by phone but, obviously, you were still asleep. I didn’t want to leave you waiting. I’m sorry. I changed my mind. I’m not going to be needing the room after all.”

“That’s cool. Gosh, you look like a nervous wreck. Don’t worry about it. Do you want to come in and have a cup of tea?”

“No. But thank you for being so understanding.” I impulsively hug her tight and she returns my embrace. “I really have to go now. I just had to let you know.”

“You would have been a great roommate, but whatever you’ve decided on, I wish you the best of luck.”

I smile and touch her shoulder. “Thanks. I hope you get a really suitable roommate.”

“If I don’t, Brandon will probably move in. That should be interesting,” she says with a laugh.

As I get into the car, Mika jumps up in welcome. “We’re going home, girl,” I say to her. Upon entering the front door, Mika runs in the direction of Jake’s bedroom. She comes back and following her closely is Jake, his face a mask of rock, but his blue eyes bright with some inexplicable expression. Dangling from his left hand is the letter I left behind. We stare at one another until I lower my gaze, unable to find the right words to say.

“If I hadn’t taken the red-eye flight, you would have been gone,” he says softly.

“Jake,” I start to talk, but can’t continue.

“What?” he asks in a bitter tone. “You want me to be happy? Are you sure about that?” His question sounds like a challenge.

“I wasn’t lying, Jake. I didn’t want to be the third wheel, destroying what you and Christina have.”

“You really don’t know what you’re talking about,” he spits out the words. “All this time, I thought that maybe, just maybe…” He stops talking and just looks at me with disbelief.

“Jake, please.”

“You can have your freedom, Emma. But, let’s be clear. This is about you, not me. If you’re not happy with me, by all means, leave.”

“I thought that this is what you wanted. To be with the woman you love.” My voice steadily rises.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He comes dangerously close to me and says, “Don’t you know that you’re the one I want to be with? Christina has never been anything more than a friend.” I reel from his words.
Am I hearing things?

I am stunned, unable to respond. “But, you were once engaged to her. You would have married her if you hadn’t promised Charlie to take care of me.”

“Em, you’ve got it all wrong,” he says as he gently takes my hand and leads me to the living room couch so we can take a seat. The anguish I have bottled up inside breaks loose. My whole body shakes and I try to stifle the sobs that come from within me while red-hot tears flow down my face. “Shhh, oh baby, it’s okay,” he utters comfortingly, embracing me for what feels like an eternity.

“I love you, Jake. I’ve loved you for the longest time,” I finally say it out loud as I look into his beautiful eyes. He cups my face in his two hands and his eyes study mine with quiet intensity. He leans forward and covers my mouth with a hungry kiss. My body trembles feverishly and his arms encircle me.

He slowly pulls away and then looks at me again. “Emma, I don’t like to talk about how I feel. I pretty much keep everything inside. But I thought you understood how much I care for you.”

“How much you care for me? That’s not good enough, Jake.” I say with a slow shake of my head.

“Emma, I love you,” he says in a louder than normal tone. “Don’t make me beg,” he pleads.

“I’m a woman. I just want to hear the words.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you…” I put my index finger to his lips to shush him.

“Don’t ever tire of saying it,” I warn him mildly. Then I say nothing for a long time. I truly don’t understand how we’ve gotten our signals crossed. “But how I was so wrong about Christina?” I ask, wanting him to shed some light.

He frowns. “I don’t know. Christina was my lawyer. We went out a couple of times, but we both knew there was no chemistry. Em, that was in the past,” he says with complete honesty. “Anyway, we’re just friends now. She started going out with Stephan Harper, an engineer, but they still can’t come out in the open because his divorce isn’t final. She knows about you. I was acting like a lovesick fool even before we got married, so she got me to confide in her. Remember that time when I rushed home because of Matt?” I nod.

“Well, I was furious with myself because I was losing control, and I didn’t want to drive you away with the way I was acting. She happened to be calling me about a case and she sensed that something was up so I told her. She basically told me to calm down and stop behaving like an idiot. Anyway, recently, she needed my help with a big case in New York, and I couldn’t refuse. I was one of the witnesses for the plaintiff and that’s why I had to give my depositions twice – over at Beverly Hills and then in New York.”

“Right after we got married, you got a call from her, didn’t you? You ignored it and that was when I first felt you were hiding something from me.”