Vampire State of Mind (17 page)

‘But …'

When he spoke again it was more ‘Sil' and less demon. ‘Protection Act, Jess, for the sake of all the heavens, leave me to do this!'

My headache was increasing now, my eyes felt full and overripe. A drip fell on my hand and when I looked at it I found that my nose was bleeding. The greasy smell made me feel sick, the sheer energy of the magic was pushing me low to the ground, driving my head towards the carpet, and even Sil was hunched under the weight of it. But his demon was fighting back, still rending at the swirling bilious mist of the spell, punching holes that seemed to hang in the air before the green mist came eddying in to fill the space. With each gap he made, the pressure lessened for a moment; I could feel it in my whole body, before it built again and the walls were renewed. ‘Sil?'

‘I …' Sil bent close to me. Outside the circle I could see Malfaire examining his nails as though none of this was his doing. Only the smile spreading across his face told me that he knew exactly how much we were suffering. ‘I can break this. My demon can separate and move through the walls to Malfaire. It may be able to kill him before it dies of the magic …'

‘No.' I dabbed again at my bleeding nose. ‘If your demon separates from your body, you'll die.'

We were hunched together now on the floor. Malfaire's smile had grown broader.

‘If I don't, we will
both
die.' Sil touched my hand. ‘I'm not afraid, Jess. A hundred years. It's enough. And you are worth the ending.'

Tears joined the blood dripping on to my hand. ‘No. I'm really not. Please, don't. Someone will come, something will happen … you can't …
don't
, Sil.'

The pressure eased. I looked towards the outside of the circle with hope bursting through me, only to see Malfaire looking in.

‘Oh, do go on,' he said. ‘I am
such
a sucker for romance at times like these.'

I found that Sil had both arms wrapped round me. His demon had slithered around so that I could no longer see it, leaving only the human form pressed against my body, his face close to mine. ‘Jess,' he said, my name a breath against my cheek. ‘Jess.' And then I saw it, his demon pulling away, drawing itself from him, appearing on the ground at his side like a cat reluctantly leaving the lap of a warm owner.

‘I won't let you die for me,' I breathed back. ‘It's just stupid. Romantic, but stupid.'

‘I may be stupid but you are important, Jessica.' Sil's voice was already faint, his body slumping slowly as the life force began to drain away. ‘This is the best way …'

Anger rose.
How dare Malfaire! How dare he hurt me, how dare he try to kill my … Sil! How dare he be my father!
Propelled by sheer resentment, I managed to crawl within a foot of the pus-coloured magical field.

Malfaire was still watching us. ‘The vampire desires you, my little Jessica. He wants your body, your blood, his whole being pulses with his longing for you.'

‘You've been reading too many romantic novels,' I said. ‘Nobody's “being pulses with longing”, least of all his.' Out of the corner of my eye I could see the lanky form of Sil's demon slowly pulling its limbs free, and Sil's body curling forwards, closer and closer to death. I managed to stand against the pressure, forcing my body upright. ‘You're getting off on this, aren't you?' For some reason the pressure eased and I was able to breathe properly. ‘You pervert.'

Malfaire still stood smiling slightly, but his expression was increasingly one of astonishment. ‘You fight the spell?'

‘Don't I just.' I took a careful step forward. My legs felt spongey, but held. I had no idea how I was doing any of this, but if it took the wind out of Malfaire's sails then I was going to carry on. ‘Let us go.'

‘Or?'

Damn, forward planning, not really my thing. ‘Or, I'll walk through this magic circle of yours and pull your brains out through your nose.' I walked forward. One step, then another. It was like walking over custard, but I did it. Another step. The circle stank, the air around it prickled like an infestation and his power hung heavy; it was like trying to walk through wet lead sheets. And another step. I was right at the edge now, feeling the spell strobing against my mind like a migraine, scattering thought processes, short-circuiting my body. My legs wouldn't go on, my arms wrapped around my waist in an attempt to pull me back.

‘Not as easy as you thought?'

That bastard was
laughing
at me!
Nobody
laughs at me! Well, except Liam, but he's earned that privilege – Malfaire was doing it simply because he
could
.

And then I saw Sil. Crouched to the ground, his life leaving him with the demon as it prepared to separate completely.
For me. He was willing to die, for me.
And the thought of life without him gave me the spur I needed. Sheer force of will. That's all it was. Foot before foot, legs groaning with the effort and the desire to turn round, but I did it. I walked through the scalding walls of enchantment.

As I walked out of the circle, Malfaire's power broke. Sil's demon shot back into his body like a rubber band had snapped, leaving him still crouched but shaking his head blearily. Malfaire stared at me. He looked slightly scared.

‘What's the matter? Didn't you think I could do it?'

His face told me, very clearly, that he hadn't. And that he wasn't quite sure what I might do now. ‘Stay away.' His voice was harsh, hoarse.

‘And if I don't?' One step forward and I was almost within touching distance. To my huge surprise, Malfaire took a step back. Then another. Almost as though
he
was afraid of
me.

‘You have no power!' His voice was a bit desperate. Rising up the scale. ‘You have no
power
!' he repeated.

‘I have the bloody power to slap you senseless if you don't get out of here.' I didn't have the faintest idea how I was doing this, but I seemed to be terrifying Malfaire. I must have a
really
scary expression.

He drew himself up, carefully beyond my reach. Assumed a little more of his previous air of dignity. ‘This ends,' he said, and was gone. Leaving behind a smell of scorched sofa, the collapsed remains of a circle of power staining the carpet, and a vampire staring very sharp daggers at me.

Rachel was
so
going to triple my rent.

I would have loved to have spent the rest of the evening under my duvet, alternately crying and swearing, eating Mars Bars and reading
The Bell Jar
. But by the time I'd endured half-an-hour of Sil yelling at me for not letting him die – yep, I didn't really understand that either, but vampires and gratitude? Not so much – I'd rather lost the urge. Now I wanted … I wanted to be out, where real people were enjoying themselves. I wanted to reinforce my humanity with vodka and coke, cheesy chips and drum and bass. I wanted to shake my hips to music I wouldn't even have on in the car, to drink overpriced alcohol in a dark club and dance with men I'd never have to see again. I e-mailed the office while Sil took some deep breaths and a delivery from his staff, brought personally by possibly the flunkiest flunky I had ever seen. It looked suspiciously like a suitcase of clothes, but Sil's sartorial arrangements came underneath cleaning the oven on my list of topics to worry about right now. Liam's answering mail came back before I was even changed. He'd spoken to Zan in Vampire High Command but found out nothing about ghysts.

His rapid reply meant that he was sitting at his computer with not enough to do, always a disastrous combination, so I decided to go in and spoil his fun. There were a couple of hours to kill before the clubs got warmed up and the men got drunk enough to dance; I might as well spend the time annoying Liam. It was that or sit in Costa eating chocolate brownies and, given the dress I'd chosen, any extra calories might be a bit of a disaster. Actually, from the look on Sil's face when he saw my sartorial choice, the dress might be a disaster anyway. He'd wrinkled his lip and walked three steps behind me all the way to the office, and whenever I'd caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, he'd been trying to avert his gaze, as though he was ashamed to be seen in the same space-time continuum as me.

When I got there, Liam was waiting for me with a hold-all slung over his arm.

‘You off somewhere?' I asked.

‘It's the gear. There's a ghoul, gone to ground in a kids' play area. What on
earth
are you wearing?'

‘I thought I might go out tonight.' I took the bag from him. ‘Give me that. You know Head Office doesn't like you going outside.'

‘You weren't here.'

‘I am now. You go and … scrub the software or whatever it is you do. I'll tranq the ghoul and hit the clubs afterwards.'

Liam gave me a dark look. ‘Oh, yes? And why? Something I'm still not allowed to know anything about?'

‘Ask The Incredible Mouth over there. He can't seem to shut up about my business.' I nodded towards Sil, who was standing by my desk, looking over a clipboard with a list of names and addresses on it. ‘No, it's all right, Liam. I just want to – ah, have an evening out. Don't think I'm really in the mood for an evening of
Made in Chelsea
with Rach.' She'd wandered in just before I left, with unfocused eyes, a headache, and no memory of letting Malfaire in to the flat, and started making one of her meat-, fat- and dairy-free meals. Vodka and cheesy chips had increased their appeal at that point. ‘I want to get on the outside of a few drinks, have a bit of a dance.'
Get off my face. Forget any of the stuff that happened today.
‘Nothing big, personal stuff. Anyway, what's wrong with what I'm wearing?'

Liam gave me a look up and down. ‘It's a bit sexy. You're ghoul-bagging, not walking the ring-road touting for business.'

‘Thank you, mother. And what about Sil, he's wearing less per square inch than I am; how come you're not telling him off?'

‘He's a vampire, he'd be sexy in a Tesco bag and slippers. You look like you're off to see the wizard. What the hell are you going to do with the ghoul – cover yourself in sequins and try to gay him into submission?'

I was wearing a body-hugging, strappy and largely backless dress in dark red with shoes to match. ‘I wasn't anticipating a tranquing. I only popped in here to make sure you weren't wasting tax-payers money, or at least the pitiful amount of tax-payers money that we get. Then I thought I'd go straight out.'

‘Yes.' Liam gave me a look more pointed than a tranq dart. ‘That's pretty much how it looks. I just thought I'd familiarise myself with your outfit because I have a
very strong
feeling – I dunno, call me psychic if you like – that you'll be wearing exactly the same clothes tomorrow morning when you turn up for work.'

‘You think I'm going to seduce some innocent clubber?' Behind my desk Sil made a sarcastic blowing noise. ‘That's rubbish! Anyway, I'm an adult woman; I can make my own decisions.'

Sil snorted now. ‘Looking like that, the only decision you'll have to make is which position doesn't make you look fat.'

‘Oh right, from a man in leather trousers and a shirt you could use to catch cod!'

‘Yes, what's with the fishnet and leather look, Sil? You on a promise, tonight?'

Sil didn't look up from the clipboard. ‘If she's going clubbing then I'm rather obliged to go along as well, and I'm steering her towards the club down by the river.'

‘I thought you were supposed to be guarding me, not enjoying yourself!'

‘Oh, I can enjoy myself at the same time.' He looked up at me. ‘You'll fit right in there. They have pole dancing on Fridays.'

Liam sucked in a breath. ‘For a straight guy, Sil, you can be a real
bitch
, you know that?'

‘I wouldn't be so sure about the straight.' I checked the contents of the bag and prepared to move out. ‘Not dressed like that.' Pulled my big coat down off the rack and used it to cover the offending dress. ‘Mind you, Liam, sometimes I have my doubts about
you
.'

‘I'm in touch with my feminine side,' Liam came back. ‘You should be grateful!'

‘Yeah, if this tranquing goes pear-shaped, at least we can sit around afterwards and talk about
Hollyoaks
. Is all the gear in?'

‘You're ready to go. Good luck.'

‘Cheers,' and Sil and I were off, running down the stairs with a hold-all swinging against my thigh – just like the old days, except in the old days Sil wasn't dressed like a rent boy and I wasn't wearing heels.

The ghoul had been caught by the dawn and had hidden all day underneath a ramp in a skate-park cum playground right on the edge of our jurisdiction, but out of area for the ghoul and, therefore, fair game for us.

‘It's under there.' I pointed with the handle of the tranq gun. ‘You can see it, faintly.'

Sil held the bag open for me to find the tranq darts. ‘I always wondered how you did it, you know. How you managed to be so quick, so good at finding the mark. I guess it was obvious, really.'

I screwed the special darts into the barrel of the gun. ‘It's my job, I
have
to see,
have
to be quick, or I'd be getting even worse headlines in the local press than I do now.'

‘And you never thought there might be more to it than that?'

‘Oh yes, every day I'd wake up and think, “gosh, I wonder if my parents were both human?” It's not the sort of thing that springs to mind, you know?'

Leaving Sil with the gear, I advanced on the area of darkness behind the skate ramp. Ghouls aren't actual killers, not intentionally anyway. In their own dimension, apparently, they're quite solitary and live off wild creatures. In this one they're a bloody nuisance, but at least they're not Shadows.

‘Jessica Grant?'
The scratchy voice came from the shadowy angle hard against the ground, where the windblown cigarette butts collected half-a-dozen deep.
‘They send you?'

‘Yeah, James Bond was busy.' I couldn't get a shot in if I couldn't see. ‘Who are you?'

‘Carrerwear. I am ghoul.'

‘Uh-huh. I sort of guessed.'

‘I ask this, that you hear me.'

‘I'm listening.'

‘The demon who wants you. He wishes you to know, he no longer acts alone in his desire for war.'

‘Who? No, don't tell me, Malfaire.' Deep inside me, anger fought with reason. ‘Am I
really
meant to be intimidated by that?'

The ghoul snapped out at me, caught me on the wrist, sent the gun spinning from my hand across the grass.
‘Yes,'
it said, simply, and flowed forward out of its hiding place.

The gun was too far away, over the other side of the concrete skate ramp. If I threw myself across the half-tube then the ghoul would be on me before I touched the ground and I didn't trust myself to be able to fight it off. Damn! Ghouls usually had all the tactical ability of a pub darts team, but this one was intelligent, careful.

‘So then, what do you get out of this? You lot hunt me down, then what happens? Some kind of reward thing?'

‘We become allied to the demon Malfaire. There will be advantages, in the war to come.'
The ghoul was standing over the gun. Bastard.

‘Everyone's talking war all of a sudden. I thought the pact was working well.'

‘He will lead us and there will be power. No more hiding.'

Okay, so I couldn't get the gun, couldn't run away, couldn't fight. What
could
I do? I could think.

Dropped to the ground like a felled bullock. I hurt my shoulder on impact, but that didn't matter. The ghoul hesitated, then began to come towards me, moving off the gun and into the space between us. It seemed uncertain; flowed almost reluctantly, keeping its edges against the side of the ramp. I jerked myself to my feet, one smooth quick movement, and I was behind the ghoul, picking up the gun before it could react. Levelled the gun, braced my wrist and pulled the trigger, all in one, and hit it square in the mid-section where it solidified as the chemicals took effect.

‘You were a fat lot of good.'

‘What did you want me to do?' Sil curled a lip at me. ‘Only one gun; what was I supposed to do, bore it to sleep?'

‘You could have distracted it.'

‘You were having a nice, cosy chat.'

The gun was still in my hand. I ran my fingers over the familiarity of the handle, felt the way it balanced against my palm. ‘Your eyes look different.'

Under the new moonlight his eyes were dark. Sil's eyes never looked
that
dark.

‘I'm hungry, all right?'

Uh-oh. ‘This club that you want us to go to? Would it happen to be the kind of club where consenting adults get together for a bit of bitey-action?'

Sil slid over the grass space between us almost without moving and was in front of me in a fraction of a second. ‘What's your
problem
, Jessie? I'm vampire, a fucking
vampire
– blood, sex and high emotional drama are rather the point!' He was shouting at me now, his eyes shone black as polished coal, while his skin was whiter than white. ‘And after that …
thing
with Malfaire I need blood, warm blood, gushing into my mouth with the pound of a pulse! Okay, yeah, I can get by on the artificial, but sometimes I just want to be what I am, let all the dark come out. Feed my demon properly.'

Behind me the ghoul gave a muffled whimper. I reached my gun-hand out and fired another tranq straight into the rolled shape, without looking. ‘It's illegal, Sil.' I dropped my eyes so I didn't have to look at him. It was like lemon juice in a mouth ulcer, hearing his careful enunciation of exactly what it was that made him so alien, so unavailable to me.

‘Not if they offer blood. What's done behind closed doors is no-one's business but the people's concerned. And no-one ever complains, Jessie, no-one ever runs to the police. They're there because they want it; we're there because we do it. Cause and effect, supply and demand.'

‘You tart.'

‘
I'm
not the one running out to pull in a tight dress and high heels, because I've had some family drama, am I? You be careful throwing stones, Jessie, because some of them might bounce right back.'

He turned and began walking away, leaving the bag of paraphernalia on the ground. ‘You'd better phone in to Enforcement to take this guy.'

‘Are you going?'

‘Like I said, I'm hungry.'

‘But you're supposed to be protecting me. What if Malfaire turns up?'

Sil glanced over his shoulder and gave my outfit a once up-and-down look. ‘I'm sure you'll manage to – talk your way out of things.' His shoulders were set absolutely rigid under the lacy shirt as he turned away again.

The animosity hurt. ‘What's pissing you off so much, Sil?'

Maybe it was the serious way I asked, not shouting, only raising my voice enough to cross the air to him. He stopped walking. ‘On this occasion, or generally? You, Jessie. Always, you. Judging me for what I am, what I have to do. I didn't
choose
to be what I am. I got unlucky one night down a dark alley with a woman who wasn't what she seemed to be.'

‘I didn't know.'

‘Ninety years ago things weren't like they are now. There were stories … sightings, but Otherworlders were hiding, creeping in the night, not knowing what reaction they might get in this new world. Most people didn't even know what a vampire could do, or
would
do. My wife refused to see me and took the children away. I think she told them I was dead.'

‘Sil.'

‘When you've lost something, Jessie, something that really
mattered
, you lose a little part of yourself as well. The part that
feels
. I know you all think we have no emotions; that we can't experience anything that doesn't feed our demon, but it's not true, Jess. Vampires can feel as much as any human. More, in fact, given the number of years we have to feel
in
.' He stopped talking and raised his face to the newly dark sky. ‘You have no idea,' he added softly. ‘No idea what I feel.'