Use Somebody (38 page)

Taking a deep breath, I gave him the response that I’d rehearsed all evening. “I want things to go back to the way they were before Smudgepot. I just want us to be friends.”

“Bullshit.”

It was the first time Vance had ever cursed in front of me. My eyes rounded in shock, right before they narrowed. Maybe it wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, but he had no proof that it was bullshit. And I didn’t like that he was assuming otherwise.

He continued on, ignoring my glare. “If it was too fast, we can take things slower. But we can’t pretend it never happened.”

Oh yes we could.
“You can if you still want to be my friend,” I threatened.

“Friends
generally don’t do what we did last night,” he argued. “Summer is my friend. Kiki is my friend. Heck, even Gwen is my friend. I know the difference. And this?” He gestured between us. “I’ve never had
this
with a friend.”

Trying a new strategy, I shrugged and looked out the window. “You’ve never been friends with someone like me before,” I said airily. I only hoped Vance remembered my past well enough to know this wasn’t my first rodeo. He was just one boy in a long line of others that I had only wanted for one night of comfort. I felt bad for suggesting it, but he wasn’t giving me much of a choice in the matter. It was either this, or admit that what we had together was indeed something special.

“It was just a kiss, Vance. Don’t make this a big deal.”

It was unfair to insinuate that last night didn’t mean anything to me, because it did; it just didn’t mean the same thing to both of us. I had too much baggage, dulled emotions, and nothing left of my heart to give back. How could I expect him to understand that, much less accept it?

He mirrored my body language and spoke calmly, unaffected by my faked indifference. “I may have only kissed two women in my life, but I think I can tell whether or not a girl is into me when I kiss her.”

“Oh yeah?” I said defensively. It was one thing to argue my point, it’s another to call me out on a lie.

“Yeah,” he replied.

I paused, knowing we’d gotten sidetracked. The kiss itself wasn’t the point.

“You asked what I wanted. Well… this is what I want. Just friends. If that doesn’t work for you… maybe we shouldn’t be anything at all.” I crossed my arms and lifted my chin stubbornly, silently cursing myself for such a cruel ultimatum. But I was running out of alternatives, and I was hoping he’d spring for the compromise.

He frowned at me. “That’s not an option.”

“Neither is us dating, so quit pushing me!”

“I’m not!” I scoffed at this, which he ignored. “I’m just trying to get you to talk to me. You know there’s something here, tell me why you’re fighting it?”

I glared at him and didn’t move. He couldn’t prove that there was anything to admit any more than he could force me to be his girlfriend. If I could just stonewall for the rest of this conversation, I could win.

Ever so slowly, he scooted closer, until there were only inches between us. “Talk to me,” he pleaded, his gaze intent and beseeching. But he was careful not to touch.

I held my ground, silently meeting his stubborn green eyes… eyes that had held the heat of the sun and the coldness of death all within the last twenty-four hours. Eyes that had looked at me with affection for longer than I dared to acknowledge. Eyes that were now imploring me to give in… to save him from this pain and confusion.

But I couldn’t save anybody. I couldn’t even save myself.

“Please,” he said, his voice softer. And I couldn’t help it—it called to me. Vance deserved everything in the world, and here I was refusing him one thing that he ever asked of me—a reason. I struggled between my plan to remain silent and my desire to comfort him.

“Talk to me,” he repeated, his voice almost a whisper this time, and it broke me. My stubbornness slowly crumpled as I prepared to tell him something.

“Have you ever just,” I swallowed thickly, “felt lonely? Needed comfort, and reached out, wherever you could get it?”

The second those words were out, I felt stupid. Of course Vance had never felt this before. The idea of “rebounds” had been a foreign concept to him, even though I’d accused him of this very thing. In his entire life he’d only kissed two girls. He never hooked up with someone he had only known for an hour, then forgotten their name. He never got drunk and made out with a friend, only to laugh about it later. He never kissed someone and had it not mean anything. And he had never, in the last four years, ever been alone.

“Forget it,” I said, shaking my head and pulling away.

“No, wait,” recognition lit his eyes. “Is that what you want? To be—what—friends with benefits or something?”

“No!”

Unconvinced, he waited for me to elaborate. I contemplated my words before I spoke.

“Maybe that’s what I wanted last night. That doesn’t mean it’ll happen again… I mean, it
won’t
happen again. I can’t get attached to you, Vance. I can’t feel what you feel.”

“Yes,
you can
. You opened up last night. You felt something, I know you did.”

Why couldn’t he just listen to what I
said
, not what I
did?

“I’m not saying I felt
nothing
… There were a lot of factors… I was in the moment…” I shrugged.

“Okay,” he nodded hopefully. “There’s nothing wrong with living in the moment. But doesn’t that tell you something?”

“Like what?” I exhaled.

“Well,” he smirked. “Did you… enjoy the moment?”

I blinked. What a ridiculous question. Of course I enjoyed the moment. Last night was the first time I had ever been truly, deeply, desperately kissed. It was the first time in eight months I was able to put down my baggage, forget about the past and just feel. And oh the things I felt…

For a moment I forgot where I was. We were no longer in his truck, we were lying in a grassy field under the stars. We were huddled together on a blanket, clutching one another like we couldn’t get close enough. His arms around me, my fingers in his hair, those full, perfect lips harmonizing with mine…

I blinked away the memory and smoothed my features, but it was too late. When my eyes focused on Vance again, he was staring at me intently.

“That! Right there!” he said, pointing at my face.

“What?” I asked, wide-eyed.

“You’re fighting it! I can literally see you start to feel something, then you shut it out. Why do you do that?”

“Uh…” I fumbled.
Busted
.

“What were you thinking about? Right then?”

“Um…” I was too confused to make anything up on the spot. “Last night?” I admitted, feeling my face grow even hotter.

He nodded. “And you were
smiling.
Do I need to draw you a diagram?” There was no victory in this revelation, no joy in backing me into a corner. His face held nothing but the same determination and confusion. He knew I hadn’t admitted anything yet, and that meant there was still something missing.

“Am I just a Todd to you?” he posed, his voice soft again.

Todd? The boy I made out with at a party and then forgot even existed? I frowned at the insinuation. “Of course not. You’re my best friend.”

“And you had fun last night? With me?” he asked, brushing a curl behind my ear.

Unable to look away from him, I nodded slowly.

“Then what’s the problem? Tell me what’s stopping you,” he cajoled, taking my hand and rubbing small circles over my knuckles.

I looked down at our hands, cursing myself for how even this small touch invigorated me. Last night he had given me just a taste of what I had been denying myself. I thought it would be enough to satisfy my urge, but it wasn’t. It was only fueling it.

Before last night, I’d forgotten the gentle pressure of a soft kiss, and the heat of a passionate one. I had forgotten just how nice it felt to be touched and held and cherished.

But then there was the dream—the warning—that penetrated my every thought. I’d already lost someone I cared about. How could I forget that?

Hands down, Vance was the best friend I’d ever had. And now we’d taken that to the next level. I was crazy to pretend that it didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t intend to hurt him, but the look in his eyes told me if I shut him out completely, that’s exactly what would happen.

Vance was pulling me apart and putting me back together, all at once. He was breaking down my wall, brick by brick, even as I struggled to build it back up.

It was almost funny. All I’d ever really wanted was for someone to understand me. Now someone was here, willing to listen, and I was too afraid to say what I was feeling. Figures the first time I had a real friend, I’d make a mess of it.

I dreaded coming this close to the truth, but Vance was right, he deserved an explanation. I bit anxiously on my lip, struggling to collect my thoughts. I couldn’t lose it now in front of him. If he saw the emotion in my eyes, he didn’t acknowledge it. He wasn’t letting me off the hook without an answer.

“I’ve had some… bad luck… with relationships.”

His eyes sparked. Desperation turned to hurt in one second flat. “I’m not Nathan.”

“I know,” I assured him.

“And I’m not that Miles guy, either.”

“I know!”

“That’s what you’re so worried about? You really think I would treat you like that?” he said, disgusted.

“No! You’re nothing like either of them!”

His hurt waned slightly, but he just looked more confused than ever. “Then…wha…?” He searched my eyes for answers, but I was just as desperate and lost. The ache bubbling inside my chest threatened to overflow; first because he was forcing me to open up, and second because I was causing that look on his face.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Like the coward I was, I turned away and jumped out of his truck.

His door flung open just as I was running across the driveway. “Wait!” He grabbed my arm above the elbow, and just like that, I was back.

* * *

[Past]

He grabbed my arm above the elbow and wrenched me away from the man I loved. His grip was rough, hard enough to leave bruises. And when I cried out, the look in Gabriel’s eyes turned murderous. He’d fought hard for me, and though we resisted like two magnets being ripped from their mates, even Gabriel was no match for the gun shoved against my temple.

Rose petals scattered at our feet.

We were both at his mercy now… helpless.

“You’re going to do exactly what I tell you,” the masked man said aloud, his weapon still trained on me, “and no one gets hurt.”

* * *

At first I tried to stay brave. I knew everything would be okay because Gabriel was here with me, so I kept my gaze on him. He was my protector, my guardian angel, and with him I was always safe. That was the one thing I knew to be true.

* * *

“Don’t even think about it.”

I had no concept of real fear until the masked man shifted the aim of his weapon.

“Hit that button and lover boy dies.”

Then I discovered what my worst fear really was.

Terror like I’d never known ripped through me when I saw the gun pointed at Gabriel. I loved that man with all my heart. And seeing him in the line of fire, when he was only here because of me, broke something inside me.

* * *

Two hostages sat in the lobby, bound into obedience. One shaking, the other comforting, both hoping to be freed, waiting for it all to be over.

“You listen to me,” he whispered, and I lifted my eyes again. “None of this is your fault. None of it. If my whole life were to pass without ever having the chance to hold you… that would be the real tragedy. I need you to be brave, Scarlett. I need you to trust me. Can you do that?”

I looked him in the eyes and nodded. “I trust you, Gabriel. It’s just, my heart couldn’t take it if I lost you.”

He swallowed. “Nor mine, sweet girl. Never, ever doubt that.” He looked away for a second, took a deep breath. “That’s why you have my word… You’re going to walk away from this, Scarlett Rossi. You’re going to graduate, you’re going to write something that will change lives, you’re going to make friends, get married, and have babies. Just don’t let Lexi be their godmother. She’ll corrupt them all.”

My eyes misted over. His words were meant to be comforting, but all I heard was goodbye. And I couldn’t bear to hear it. None of those things mattered if it meant I was walking out of this alone.

None of it.

* * *

Hope. It’s a dangerous thing.

Because as soon as I saw it, all practical sense went out the window.

“Don’t do it, love,” he whispered, reading my mind.