Uptown Girl (14 page)

Bina let out a rather nervous little giggle in response to Kate's observation, but Bev just agreed. ‘You have a lot of girlfriends, Kate. But then you're a Scorpio. Scorpio women always have lots of girlfriends.'

‘And lots of boyfriends,' Elliot added sotto voce.

‘So you have some plan to kill Jack, the scumbag?' Barbie asked.

‘Not exactly!' Elliot told her.

‘Well, why don't we get started?' Brice suggested as he began collecting dirty dishes. ‘Bina, I can't wait for you to hear all about Elliot's plan.'

‘Okay,' Bev began, ‘so, Elliot, what's this huge discovery of yours?'

Elliot put his fork down, stood up and self-consciously stepped up to the easel. He looked first to Bina and then to Kate. He laid one hand on the first chart, turned it over so they could all see it and said, ‘Bina, I made an incredible mathematical discovery while we were at Bunny's wedding.'

‘And I thought we'd paid for all the extras,' Bunny said.

‘The almonds in the net bag were lovely,' Brice
assured her. ‘But this is something no one could pay for.'

‘Like what?' asked Bev.

‘Genius,' Brice told them all proudly.

‘Probability,' Elliot said. ‘Some events can be predicted because of constancy and reliability of past data.'

‘Huh!' Bina said. Kate suppressed a giggle. Poor Elliot.

‘This helps us take down Jack the scumbag?' Barbie asked.

‘Hey, what good would that do anyone?' Elliot asked. ‘What if I told you that instead of revenge I've found a sure-fire way to get Jack to propose to Bina?' he asked the room. ‘And marry her.'

There was a buzz of noise, part verbal, part flatware. Bina dropped her coffee spoon, Bev choked on her last mouthful of bagel, Barbie turned to Bunny and they began to murmur appreciatively.

Only Kate let out a snort of derision. ‘Elliot!' she warned. Then she turned to Bina. ‘Remember, this is just a theory, a suggestion, Bina. It may not be correct. You don't have to pay any attention to it. Personally, I think it is a lot of hocus-pocus.'

Elliot looked down at her from his full height. ‘Kate,' he said. ‘I think we all know your views on magic. So it's a good thing this has nothing to do with it,' he added. ‘This is mathematical theory put into practice.'

‘What's wrong with you, Katie?' Bev asked. ‘Such a spoilsport. I think it sounds interesting.'

‘What are you actually talking about?' Barbie asked.

Elliot nodded. ‘It
is
interesting, more than interesting.' He pointed to the chart and said, ‘Bina, these statistics are … well, they are just incredible. But they are absolutely accurate. I've done a bit of research and worked out the probability and you'll see that even with a differential for the …'

‘Is he a college teacher or something?' Bina whispered.

‘He's an obsessive neurotic gone compulsive,' Kate snorted.

‘I know. Isn't he wonderful?' said Brice, placing his hand emphatically on his heart.

Elliot was in his teaching mode and ignored them both. ‘Remember how Bev and Barbie both said that they had once dated that Billy guy who had just dumped Bunny?' He turned to her. ‘No offense.'

‘None taken,' Bunny said. ‘When I dated him I was a size four – and weighed one hundred and sixteen pounds. My personal best.'

‘Well, we both got dumped by him, too,' Bev added.

‘Which was just fine with me,' Barbie assured everyone. ‘The guy's a jerk.'

‘That's right,' Elliot said, nodding to Barbie, ‘and right after that you met Bobbie and got married.'

‘Well, it wasn't right after. It was at least three weeks.' Barbie paused, then added, ‘And Bev got
married to Johnnie, right after she got dumped.'

‘My Johnnie and I had our moons in Venus. It was fated,' Bev observed. No one paid any attention to her.

‘So at the wedding, Elliot … well, began to snoop,' Brice explained.

‘I collected data,' Elliot corrected Brice with dignity.

‘Did I tell you about Gina Morelli and Nancy Limbacher, Elliot?' Bev asked, already eager to be part of the plan. ‘Billy dated and dumped them, too.'

‘I found that out on my own. Both of them married right after Billy Nolan. They were at Bunny's wedding.'

‘Sure. I worked with Gina, and Nancy is best friends with my cousin Marie,' Bunny said.

‘Marie Genetti?' Elliot asked. ‘Billy dated her, too.'

‘He dated Marie? You're kidding. She never told me!' Bunny exclaimed.

‘So now we know that Billy Nolan has dated and dumped every woman from here to Albany. Who cares?' Kate spat out angrily. She thought of him charming her on the terrace. And to think that she'd been attracted to an idiot like him. ‘Who cares?' she repeated.

‘Bina should, and as her friend, so should you,' Elliot told her. ‘I did some digging, and I made some calls. Everyone this guy drops gets married.'

‘How did you find that out?' Barbie asked. Kate smiled. As the professional gossip of the group, she must be feeling a bit defensive.

‘He pretended he was doing an article for
Jane
magazine,' Brice told her proudly.

‘You're a regular Columbo,' Bev said admiringly. ‘What sign are you again?'

Elliot laughed, didn't bother to answer but acknowledged Bev's compliment with a slight bow. Then he turned back to his first chart. ‘Look at this,' he said, pointing to it. ‘All five of these women dated William Nolan.' On the chart were the names of each woman and the date, time, and place of their first encounter with Billy Nolan. ‘Now here,' Elliot said, flying to the next chart, ‘is a timeline that follows the period of each relationship. Please note that where Billy drops out there is a segment of between three point two weeks and four point seven months before each woman marries.' The room was silent. Even Kate was momentarily impressed.

‘Was the bastard going out with Gina Morelli the same time he was dating me?' Bunny asked.

‘From the data I've collected, he only goes out with one woman at a time. Anyway, that doesn't matter,' Elliot said to silence her. ‘The point is,' and he indicated the first chart, ‘soon after each woman got dumped by Mr Nolan, each met or returned to another man – and sometimes, as in Bunny's case, she was introduced to that man by Billy himself. In all cases, that very next man was the man that they
married.' Elliot stopped and looked at Kate and the Bitches with a broad smile as if his message was perfectly clear.

‘Wow, congratulations, Elliot – it's quite an achievement,' Bev said, more serious than necessary.

‘Right. Now you qualify as the biggest gossip in all five boroughs,' Kate said coldly.

‘Yeah. What's the big deal?' Bunny asked. ‘We all know that Billy Nolan is the biggest player that has ever lived.'

‘But you didn't know this,' Elliot said, and flipped over a third chart. There was a list of fourteen names with a column listing the time they dated Billy and another column with wedding dates beside each name – except two. ‘It isn't most of the women Billy Nolan dates. It's
all
of the women Billy Nolan dates.'

The friends examined the list.

‘Don't you get it?' Elliot asked. ‘Do you know the statistical likelihood of this phenomenon?' He flipped to his next chart. ‘I've worked it out with and without the standard deviation, the probability ranges from one in six million three hundred and forty-seven to one in eighty-two million six hundred and forty-three.'

Kate wondered about the two out of the fourteen but figured she'd get her chance to debunk all this later.

‘I don't get it,' Bunny admitted. ‘I don't think even Billy Nolan could date and dump eighty-two
million women. It's just not humanly possible. Are there even that many women in New York?'

‘He doesn't have to date eighty-two million women,' Barbie told Bunny dismissively. ‘He just has to date Bina. Right, Elliot?'

‘Really? Really, Elliot?' Bina asked, her voice filled with more hope and animation than it had been since the afternoon of the manicure.

‘Oh, Jesus H. Christ,' Kate said, no longer able to control her disgust. She stood up and started to pace around the room. ‘Elliot, you know I don't approve of this whole scheme. It is just ridiculous.'

‘Be quiet, Kate,' Bev said. ‘I'm trying to understand this.' She narrowed her eyes and looked at Elliot. ‘You're saying that anyone who dates Billy gets married right afterwards?' she asked.

‘Everyone?' Bina asked.

Kate felt she couldn't let this go on. Instead of spending the morning in bed with Michael, then reading the
Times
together and having a nice meal before they parted, she was stuck with this burgeoning bunch of maniacs with a berserk plan. She never thought any of them would buy it. ‘It's a pile of superstitious crap,' Kate told Bina and the rest of them.

‘This isn't about superstition,' Elliot insisted, his voice showing his hurt. ‘These are the facts.'

Bunny kept staring at the charts, and now tried to sound smart. She used to do it in sixth grade to about the same effect. ‘Are you saying that the odds against Bina ever getting married are about
eighty-two million to one unless she dates Billy Nolan?' she asked Elliot.

‘Well,' Elliot said, pretending to give the ridiculous question some thought, ‘that's not
exactly
what I'm saying. I can't compute the odds of Bina getting married. I don't have enough data. But the odds are eighty-two million to one in her
favor
if she does date Billy.'

Kate saw Bina pale and felt her own face grow warm with anger and agitation. This was all madness. She'd just stop it, send them all back to Brooklyn and never talk to Elliot again – or at least not for a week. She was about to speak when Barbie stood up and brushed off her skirt.

‘Then it's settled,' Barbie said. ‘Bina has to go out with Dumping Billy. That's all there is to it. After all, what has she got to lose?'

Bina stood up too, but she hesitated before she spoke. ‘Elliot, I appreciate all the time you must have put into this, but I'm not interested in dating anyone except Jack.' Kate watched as tears rose in her eyes. ‘I just want Jack back.'

‘This is a way to
get
Jack, Bina,' Elliot said. ‘You date Billy, then get dumped, then see Jack and …
voilà
!'

Kate turned to Bina. ‘This is all ridiculous. I didn't know it was quite as insane as it is, but I promised him I'd let him show you …'

‘Why is it insane?' Bev asked.

‘Well, it's a long shot that we could get Billy to go out with Bina in her current state …' Barbie said
and then narrowed her eyes speculatively. ‘But if we did some work on her …'

‘Just look at the numbers, sweetheart. The numbers don't lie,' Brice said to Bina. He took her hand in his, but was watching Elliot with the look of a proud mother on his face.

Kate was sure that Bina, monogamous for so long, wouldn't consider this nonsense.

‘They
all
got married?' Bina asked Elliot in disbelief.

‘Yes. Well, to be totally accurate, one joined a convent and one came out as a lesbian,' Elliot confessed, ‘but both are hooked up, one to God and one to her girlfriend. So that makes fourteen for fourteen.'

‘Isn't he wonderful?' Brice asked no one in particular.

‘He's absolutely nuts,' Kate snapped. ‘Bina, don't even consider it.'

‘We'd have to time it so that Jack was back at the strategic moment – just after the break-up,' Bev said.

‘And to be safe, we have to make sure he drops her,' Elliot cautioned. ‘I have no indication of what happens to his partner if she dumps him.'

Bev and Barbie laughed. ‘No one dumps him,' Barbie said.

‘Of course he's gorgeous,' Bev said (it sounded like ‘ov cous he's gowjus'). ‘But that doesn't explain it. That only explains why he gets women.'

‘And probably why he dumps them,' Elliot said.

‘No,' Bunny told him. ‘To be fair, he is always nice and he seems … well, I don't know.' She thought for a minute. ‘Like really disappointed when things don't work out.'

Elliot took a deep breath. ‘I don't really care about his psychology,' he told them. ‘The key question is why women marry right after he leaves them.'

Kate wondered too.

But Bina wasn't listening. She was staring at the charts before her. Kate knew how desperate she was. Elliot, seeing that he had Bina hooked, asked, ‘Do you want a detailed cross section?'

Kate could see Bina's love for Jack and the longing for him written all over her face. ‘I don't need one, I'll do it!' Bina exclaimed.

‘Bina!' Kate was shocked at her friend's declaration.

‘Then it's all settled,' Bunny said and stood up. ‘I've gotta go back to Arnie.'

‘Well, we're not exactly finished,' Barbie said in the tone that had driven fear into many pre-teen girls in their junior high days. ‘He doesn't just go out with anyone. He looks for a certain … style.' She preened for a moment. ‘Do you think Billy would go out with
Bina
?'

‘Barbie!' Despite the usual cruelty of the girls to one another, that went too far.

‘The boy is certainly hot,' Brice said to himself, pulling out the Polaroid from the wedding. He put it down on the table.

‘Very hot,' Bev said, also looking at the photo while pretending to fan herself.

‘Good point,' Bunny agreed. ‘Maybe Bina would be out of her league.'

Before Kate could jump to Bina's defence, her friend took control. ‘I'm still in the room!' Bina suddenly exploded. ‘Why are you talking about me like I'm not here?'

Kate couldn't help but feel bad for Bina. Here she was, alone and reduced to believing in ridiculous statistics. Kate knew her friend and knew that all she really wanted was to be with Jack. ‘We're sorry, Bina,' she apologized for the group. She tried to be diplomatic while she sided with the Bitches so this whole idea could be plugged up.