Unworthy (29 page)

     All I can do is shake my head as I hear the words that fall from the doctor’s lips and try to make some sense out of them, but it can’t be true. I’m in America for Christ’s sake and I may not now much about the man who is my father, but I know he must live in Britain, or he did at least. Everyone seems to be silent and all I can do is close my eyes as the tears continue to fall and pretend that none of this is happening, but it is. This is my reality and I hate it, I hate my mother for making me into this mess of emotions that can’t deal with a simple thing. All her words have done this to me, making me hate myself and unwilling to confront anything and the one time I need the courage I can’t find it. I need it so bad, but it is nowhere to be found and all that is left is the shell of a wimpish woman who doesn’t deserve to live.

I should have cut deeper.

But then I hear the words that will rock my foundations to rubble beneath my feet causing my heart to shatter. 

     “I’m your father.”

Did Samuel’s uncle’s voice just say what I think it did? He must be wrong, my father left me long ago because I ruined everything, and I don’t think he would come looking for me.

     “I….I’m your f….father.”

And this time the words are said with fresh tears and I don’t know why, but I feel like I am being pulled to look at the man who said them, like there is some kind of connection between us and only us.

     “W…what?” I barely manage to say.

     “I’m your father and the blood test confirms it.”

All I seem to be able to do is shake my head as a mantra falls from my lifeless lips.

     “N…N...No.”

     “N…No that can’t be true.”

My whole body is lifeless as I just lie there in my bed confused more than I have ever been before. This can’t be happening. I mean, my mother was many things but would she have kept my father from me?

Why would she do it if she knew all along who and where he was?

Why did she do it to me, was I really that bad?

     “Your mother and I had an affair.”

     “Now might not be the best time.” I hear Edward say as everyone turns to look at him, but all I can do is look towards the man who has just said he’s my father. I can hear the doctor say goodbye and then his footfalls as the door opens and closes and I am forced back to the now. It can’t be possible. My mother always told me that he just left us, that he had nothing and was a worthless fool. This man can’t possibly be my father.

     “No, she needs to know the truth.”

     “What do you mean? You left! I’ve never heard anything from you!” I shout as they all turn to look towards me.

     “No. No I never left, she did.”

     “What?”

     “Your mother and I. I…I loved her.” I can see the emotion written all over his face, the pain at the memories of a woman long gone was destroying him into a million little pieces, making him unable to survive as he once had.

     “W….w...we met when I first moved here with my girls and my wife. She was my second wife and not a good one at that, but it would have been too much hassle to divorce, so she went to England with me. Your mother was amazing and we had so much in common that I couldn’t help, but fall in love with her. She became our housekeeper and she was so good with the girls. We managed to keep our affair secret, but soon she found out she was pregnant.  It all went well, she had you and you were such a beautiful baby it was hard not to want to hold you all the time, but we managed to keep our secret until one day.”

     “Oh my God, my nightmares.”

      I can feel the walls closing in as everything I ever thought I knew appeared to be wrong. The panic sets in as I realize another thing to do with my life is a massive web of corruption and lies and all I want to do is disappear back to the other little life I know I’m safe in. All three men are staring at me, just waiting for me to say more, but there is nothing more I can say. The truth is far too confusing to try and put it into words and the hardest thing of all is the fact that this is my life, this is my life and I can’t take it any longer.

     “They’re not nightmares are they? They’re memories?”

     “My wife had found out and we fought about it. When I came back downstairs your mother had left, taking you with her. I tried to find you, but she was very good at keeping herself hidden. About a month later I received a letter with bank details asking me for money to help raise you, but there was nothing else. No address, no phone number, nothing to tell me where you were.”

     “She asked you for money?”

     “Yes.” He whispers back.

     “But I was always in horrible clothes; there was never enough food or sanitary items. We lived in the pits, how could that be?”

     “I don’t know. All I can tell you is each month I sent your Mom money.”  It was the drugs; she spent the money on her drugs. The nice clothes and makeup were to hide what she was doing, but that’s where the money went and I feel such anger towards her like never before. I need to ask her if any of this is true, I need to ask why she did it.

     “I don’t know what to think.”

     I look up at the man I love with all my heart and the man who says he’s my father and they both stand there side by side as if together they can make me see the truth and that everything will be OK. As far as I am concerned at the moment nothing will be right, there are too many lies and too many emotions to make any sense at all of what is going on in front of me and all I want to do is cut again, but there is nothing I can do so I cry. I cry for the years without the father I had needed growing up, the protection I had needed from the woman who was meant to protect and nurture me. Everything is a mess and all I want to do is disappear from it all and hide within a ball, but first I have to talk to her. I need to know the truth.

     “Where’s my bag?” Samuel looks towards me with confusion.

     “Your bag?”

     “Yes, I need my bag. Where is it?”  He points to the corner of a room where there is a lone chair and I can see my bag on top of some clothes.

     “It’s just there.” He looks towards me again.

     “Are you OK, Grace?” I look at him as if he has gone completely mad. How does he think I feel?  I can’t help the laugh, but as soon as it is out I stop and just cry. Samuel comes to me in an attempt to hold me in a cuddle, but I put my hand up to stop him. I can’t bear to be touched at the moment even by him. All I want to do is vanish.

     “I need some time. I need to be on my own.” I can feel three sets of eyes on me as my bag is placed on my lap.

     “Are you sure, Grace?” My supposed father asks me.

     “Yes. Just go, please, I need time.” And with that I hold on to my bag and turn over so I can hide myself away from these men and the rest of the world.

     Once I hear the door close leaving me all alone in the world as I have always been, I stare at my phone. Do I have the guts or even the courage to phone my mother? I don’t think I really do, but there is a need much greater shouting at me to tell her what for. I switch it on and it comes alive in my hand and as soon as the menu bar comes up I don’t hesitate to locate my mother’s number. I press with a deep breath and put the phone to my ear, the constant ringing is a reminder of how pathetic my life is, that I am a worthless piece of shit. My mother constantly belittling me with her words repeating with every ring of the phone until someone picks up and I hear her voice.

     “H…hello.”

     “Is it all true, mother?”

     “Arghhhh Grace, what do you want? Do you have any idea of the time?”

     “Is it true?”

     “What are you talking about, you stupid little girl?”

     “My father! And I’m not a girl anymore mother, I’m a woman.”

     “A woman, you’re no woman. Only the devil does what you did. You destroyed everything.”

     “That’s just the thing, it wasn’t all me was it?”

     “What are you getting at?”

     “I met someone. One Mr. Harding, my father.” All I can hear through the line is my mother’s laughter, the same laughter that has imprisoned me within my own fear for far too long and at that moment for the first time ever I allow myself to crack under her cruelty.

     “All this time you’ve lied to me, you let me think he left me, but all along you left him. You forced me to live a life without my father making me think it was to do with me. You treated me like dirt, the whole town treated me like dirt because of those lies and then when I needed you the most you believed the lies of a sick little boy. You made my life hell. I hate you.”

     “You hate me? You don’t know all of it.” She laughs at me again and I can feel my blood begin to boil.

     “I saw you in the photos with that man, Daniel saw you, so I thought I should prepare the world for what you’re really like.”

     “Why do you hate me enough to do this to me?”

     “Did you really think someone like him could love the likes of you? You’re worthless remember.”

     “Why?”

     “Because I, we, were happy before you came along. You arrived and we always had to be careful and whenever I did see him he was only interested in you and then his wife found out and she was livid. Before she confronted him she confronted me and to make you pay I took you away, but you always found ways to annoy me. That’s why your young man won’t stay for long.” I can’t hear any more and with that I turn the phone off as I burst into fresh tears. I need to get away from here; I need to get away from this place and all its confusion and hate. I slowly get out of bed and make my way to the clothes. I put them on and then make my way to the door. I slowly open it and notice that the hallway is clear and I am directly opposite the lift. With a new coat on and my bag on my shoulder I go for it. I run from all the pain my life is once again bestowing upon me.

CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

SAMUEL

     My mind feels like it’s in a fucking whirlpool. An endless path of pain and sorrow that there is no way out of till the woman I love will allow it. It had broken my heart to step away from her, but I knew it had to be done. I could see the pain and anger in her face as my uncle told her of his and her mother’s history. She looked like a lost child in so much need of love and comfort that all I wanted to do was be everything that she would need. I want to be the one to restore her faith in humankind. The three of us sit around a table watching the world go by. As we sit there in silence all the while thinking of the same beautiful woman. I look up briefly to the window and see that there is some sort of activity going on and I don’t know why, but I get a sense of fear rush through my veins.

     “What’s the matter, son?” My father asks and I don’t know what to say, I just have a feeling that something has or will happen and I have to try to stop it.

     “I don’t know.” I look around the room as if the answers I hope for will present themselves like magic, but nothing happens except the doom in my heart.

     “Grace.”

     “What? Son, she’s fine, she just needs some time.”

     “No, she’s going to do something stupid.” And with that I stand up so quickly that my chair falls back from behind me.

     “Son?”

     “I need to go to her” I race through the cafeteria to the closet lift and I can hear the shouts from my father and uncle from behind. When I get to the lift it takes too long and just as my father and uncle get to me I race through the doors and up the three flights of stairs. I don’t know how long it takes me, but with each step I take it seems to take years till I am at the top of my Everest going through more doors, to find that the woman I love isn’t there. I stand outside her door looking through the window and she isn’t there.

Where is she? I crash through the door, search through the en suite, under the bed, and as I leave the room I search for a member of staff.

     “Where is she?” I shout as I see a nurse at the other end of the hallway.

     “I’m sorry sir, who do you mean?”

     “M…Miss Ford where is she?”

     “She’s in her room”

     “What’s going on?” The doctor comes through a door just as I hear my father and uncle.

     “Grace. She’s not in her room.”

     “What?” I hear everyone say at the same time and with it my heart becomes stone.

GRACE

     I manage to get through the hospital without any problem, but as soon as I step through the front doors I can see the crowds of press waiting for me as if I were their meal tickets out of their own lives. I manage to raise my hood further down my head to keep as much of my face hidden and as the fresh air hits me I see a yellow cab in the distance waiting for me as if it were there just for me. I carefully step towards it so as not to draw attention to myself, but just as my hand pulls the door open my hood falls down and my face is revealed to the masses and with it comes too many shouts and flashes from the devil. I step into the cab and manage to close the door as quickly as I can.