Unworthy (18 page)

     Throughout the meal the wine flows and the meal is to die for. I have never tasted anything as good. Samuel, as always, looks delicious and I can’t help, but remember what lies beneath that white shirt. I lick my lips as I think of licking my way up those firm muscles, I wonder how his skin would taste or how soft his would be under my touch, and then I remember that damn nipple bar. Just the thought of playing with it and hearing Samuel’s moans has my knickers dampen and become a twisted mass of material. Oh God, since I met him he is making me worse than I ever thought I could be. I’ve never thought like that and now I can’t get rid of the ideas of pleasure that are ruling my head and heart. As much as I fear what is going on, I am finding I am enjoying it far too much, the way my body comes alive. At the thought of him touching me or doing anything with me, my body turns into a heated inferno. And that is exactly how I feel with the wine rushing through my bloodstream, making my reactions and emotions far more intense as Samuel leads me back to our room.

     “Do you want another drink?” He asks me as he walks over to the mini bar. Another drink?  I’ve really had enough, but what will one more really do? I am already in my hotel room; it isn’t as if I am in a dangerous situation.

     “What the heck, yes, please?” I say as I feel my shoulders rise and fall with my statement. I watch as Samuel pours us both a glass of something amber and he motions me to sit down. He soon follows me and takes a seat while he hands me my drink, which burns as it slides down my throat.

     “Have you had a nice evening?”

     “Hmmm.” I take another sip of the burning liquid as I watch Samuel watching me. My head begins to feel a little hazy, but it’s kind of refreshing to begin to let go. To let go, how nice would it be to just forget everything except the man that is looking me up and down like he is preparing to jump me so he can eat me alive.

     “Hmmmmm.”

     “I assume that means yes. That you’ve had a good evening with me.” And he almost looks like a little boy begging to have his wish granted for the first time. If only I were that wish, I would give anything to be exactly what this man needs in a woman.

     “I always have a good time with you, Samuel.”

     “Is that so, sweet cheeks?” I have no control over my body; it is the alcohol surging through my blood allowing me to get closer to Samuel, to touch his cheek as I look into his eyes, letting me look into his soul. He wants me, I can see it there as clear as day, and he’s wanted me since the first time we met. I look in to his black orbs and I know I want him too.

     “Yes. Yes it is. You make me feel alive, Samuel. For the first time since I can’t remember when, you make me feel like I am worth something more than the piece of shit I was always made to feel like.” I stop the flow of words as I realize I’m crying. I attempt to wipe them away before Samuel realizes, but it is too late. A lone finger rises to my left eye and wipes the dampness away before he does the same to the right. His eyes are intense as he watches me, but I can see the worry, the care and I’m sure even love as he attempts to make me feel better.

     “Why do you say that?”

     “Because it’s true.” He gives me a questioning look and I don’t know if it’s the wine, but I need to tell him why I think like I do.

     “My mother. She would always remind me what I was. That I was trash.”

     “Why would your mom say that to you?”

     “It’s true, that’s why. I damage everything that is close to me.” I raise and drop my shoulders again as Samuel looks on at me with confusion.

     “Fun, huh.” I down the rest of my drink and the burn isn’t even noticeable any longer. I feel my body go weak and I can’t help the yawn. I rub my eyes as if doing that will make me feel better, but as with everything except hurting myself or even that amber liquid I find it doesn’t.

     “Good night, Samuel.”

SAMUEL

Once again I watch her walk away.

Always running, never staying long enough to hear the truth. If she had stayed she would have heard me say that all her mother has ever told her are lies. I can’t understand how a parent can allow a child to feel like that about themselves. I guess I am just very lucky to have grown up in the loving family that I did. I know what my family expects from me, but I also know that they love me and that nothing could ever change that. I want to make it all better for Grace. I want to wipe away all the nasty things her mother has ever told her and replace them with my kind words. She deserves to know what an amazing person she is and I just can’t understand how her mother has let her know any different. I hadn’t expected her to have drunk as much as she had, but it has made her loose with her tongue and for that I am grateful. I am able to piece together a little more of the Grace puzzle and I can only hope that she will allow me to see the finished product. When she looked into my eyes I could see the love that resided within her. She loves me; she just doesn’t want to acknowledge it yet. I can work on that, at least she has the right feelings. I just need to help her see it more clearly. And I will, if it’s the last thing I do. She is mine and I will have her by my side.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

GRACE

I feel so sick as I just lie in my bed.

I can’t sleep.

I toss and turn, remembering all the things I said to Samuel.

I try counting sheep, but it doesn’t help the sick feeling I can’t get rid of.

I take in deep breaths, but nothing seems to help.

My stomach feels like it’s tying up in knots and the sensation of needing to be sick seems to be getting worse with each knot that tightens around my midsection. The sensation gets to a point where I know I need the bathroom and I very quietly make my way over there just as that same sensation overtakes me. I manage to get to the toilet just in time, but as I try to empty my stomach the feeling doesn’t go away, only worsens. Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep now so I make my way back to my room. I lie back in my bed, but again I can’t get the feeling of sickness away and I just lie there trying to trick my body into the sleep it needs, but no joy. My whole body feels like it’s breaking out in a sweat and I don’t know if it could be a bug or just an aftereffect from something I ate at dinner the night before. I know it can’t be the drink, I didn’t drink that much, but my head still feels fuzzy like it’s full of cotton wool. The hotel restaurant is a five-star, it can’t possibly be food poisoning, but I have been working so much with Samuel that I haven’t really been in contact with anyone to get a bug. Before I can think anything else about it I have the sudden urge to get to the bathroom again. I jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom as quickly as I can without disturbing Samuel in the process. I reach the toilet just as I let go of the contents of my stomach and it doesn’t seem to want to give up, even when I feel like I sit in front of the toilet for hours just being sick. When I end up only dry heaving I can feel a gentle hand at my back.

      “Are you OK?” I can’t escape the little laugh at his question.

     “I know, stupid question right.” I manage to lift my head, but barely see him before I get the need to be sick once again. More dry heaving and my stomach seems to be twisting around itself, leaving me in so much pain I can only grunt.

     “F…feel r...really bad.” I whisper, just as another wave of dry heaving comes over me. I can hear Samuel move around behind and to the side of me just as I feel a cold cloth at my neck. I raise my head again from the bowl as I see Samuel sit to the side of me as he moves the cloth to around my face and to my forehead. He hands me a small glass of water which I take with shaky hands.

     “Slow sips, OK.”

     “OK.” The water feels refreshing as it goes down my burning throat.

     “Feel any better now?”

     “I think so” I say as Samuel takes a hold of my hand to help me get up, but as soon as I am back on my feet I feel dizzy and another urge to be sick takes my body again. I collapse to my knees just as the water I have just drunk comes back up my throat, burning my insides as it goes. Samuel moves my hair away from my neck and attempts to dab away the moisture that is pooling there just as I heave again.

      “No more water.” He moves the cloth to my face again and it feels nice and refreshing as he pushes it gently against my forehead.    

     “Come on; let’s see if we can get you back to bed.” Samuel gently puts his hands underneath my arms and helps to get me back on my feet.

     “Teeth. I need to clean my teeth.” Samuel takes me to the sink and helps me to get the paste on my toothbrush so I can clean out my mouth.

     “Don’t swallow the water.”

     “OK.” Once my mouth has the nasty taste removed Samuel leads me back through to my bedroom and pulls back the covers and I am surprised when he climbs in with me.

     “What are you doing?”

     “Don’t worry, sweet cheeks, I just want to make sure you are OK.” I settle down within the depths of the mattress and I am aware of Samuel doing the same thing and moving right up to me while on his side.

     “Turn over.” I attempt to slowly turn over and as I do I can feel Samuel’s arms around me as he pulls me into him so we are spooning.

     “Samuel?”

     “Don’t worry.”  I rest my head on my pillow and I can feel Samuel’s breath against my skin and it instantly makes me feel alive, just like all the other times he has been this close to me. I feel a hand move to my stomach where he does light touches around the area and I can feel myself drift off to sleep. I can’t help, but think as I drift off that this is where I am meant to be. Being in Samuel’s arms feels like I am home, like I am where I have always been meant to be and I can’t get away from those very thoughts as his light touches on my stomach do their work and I fall into a restful sleep.

     When I awaken in the morning I am still spooned against Samuel’s warm body and I am greeted by his morning wood.

Oh my God, why is that there? I can see the dusky light come through the blinds and I know that it can only be early as I give a yawn. I move with the action and by accident I am made to go further into Samuel’s hold and can feel a stronger presence of his erection. That one action makes me go into full panic mode as I hear him moan behind me and his erection get harder against my back.

Why would he have morning wood?

Oh shit, why is it getting bigger?

Oh God, it can’t be me

Oh God, please don’t be a reaction to me.

I don’t think I can cope if this is anything else but friendship. He can’t love me; I don’t deserve to be loved. You stupid cow, he’s your boss, you can’t be friends.  I look behind me and I can see him sleeping and he looks so peaceful and Godlike. His chest is out in full view and I can see his muscles beneath his skin that look beautifully sculpted. He’s so handsome even in his restful state and the man looks like a God; he’s a God in human form.  I need to get my head straight, but I am so overcome with tiredness that I just fall back to sleep again.

     When I awaken again the sun’s beams are in full bloom and as I turn I notice that I am alone in the bed, but Samuel’s side is still warm. He hasn’t been up for long and it makes me wonder where he is and what he could be doing.

Grace, why do you even care? As I try to come up with a sensible answer the door to my room opens and I see Samuel walk in with two tall glasses of water. He is only wearing his pajama bottoms and I can see the way they hang off his hips and I can just make out a delicious V that is calling for my tongue to lick and caress. Oh, and there’s that damn nipple bar and tattoo again.  I try to hide my thoughts, but I can tell from the look in Samuel’s eyes that he knows exactly what I am thinking and I can’t help the blush that creeps up my cheeks.

     “How are you feeling?”

     “Not too bad, just weak and tired.”

     “I would think so. I’m going to work from here today and I want you to rest.”

     “Rest?”

     “Yes, Grace, rest. I think you are over-worked.” He hands me one of the glasses of water and I take gentle sips as I watch him watching me.

     “Good girl.” he says as he takes back the glass and puts it on the stand by my side of the bed.

     “Would you like to try some toast?” As he says the words I can hear my tummy grumble and I’m sure that Samuel can hear it too.

     “I’ll take that as a yes. I want you to rest.” I watch as he steps away from the bed and then walks through the door, his hips have a gentle sway as he walks and his bum looks firm with each stride he makes. I shake my head at my thoughts, trying to stop myself having any more.

He’s my boss, he’s my boss, I keep repeating to myself.

He’s my boss

He’s my boss, but he has looked after me.

He’s looked after me and worried about me.

He’s consuming all my thoughts so that all I can think about is him. How he makes me feel with every look he gives me, every word he says engulfing me within madness only he conjures up with his magical powers. Even though I feel intensity to him much greater than I ever thought possible I hate him also. I love and hate him for all the feelings he’s making me feel so that I am powerless to stop myself.