Unplugged (7 page)

When I reappear a few hours later, a blue mug filled with cold coffee is pointedly set in the middle of the kitchen table. Ella and Cerys are still here, wrapping Christmas gifts in the lounge although Ella is more interested in the already wrapped ones under the tree. Cerys kneels on the floor, eyes bright as she happily gift-wraps her pile of presents in paper covered with Santas and reindeer. I watch for a few moments, unsure what the fuck to do about the situation.

“
Is Santa still waiting?” I ask.

Cerys frowns at me as Ella jumps up and starts dancing round the room again.
“Thanks, Liam. The bus doesn’t leave for another hour!”

“
Are you going out for long?” I ask.

“
A few hours.”

“
I’ll drop you into town.” If she’s in the car with me, we’ll have to talk but Cerys takes an opposite view.

“
Wanting to get rid of us?” asks Cerys.

Her expression is loaded. I never noticed how pale she looks, her face lined by tiredness
, and guilt over my anger with her seeps in.

“
No, but if you’re not talking to me, it doesn’t matter, does it?”

Cerys gathers up the paper and
sticky tape. “We should talk but later.” She indicates Ella. “It’s awkward enough me being here without...”

I wait for her words, to see how she describes this.
“Without?”

She takes a short breath before turning her face to me.
“Without kissing the engaged rock star who’s looking for a bit of fun.”

Her words stun.
“What?”

“
I’m not naive, Liam.” She walks past with the wrapping paper. “Thank you for your offer to take us into town, I’ll get my coat.”

This woman
’s strength comes from the ability to shut down her emotions; my weakness is that I never can.

****

“Does that kid fall asleep every time she goes out in the car?” I mutter as we arrive into the town.

“
I’ll wake her up, and then you can drop us at the top of the street.”

Not wanting to miss my planned opportunity to talk, I pull up at the edge of the car park, beneath the stark winter branches of the beech trees. Cerys makes to get out of the car but I place a hand on her arm to stop her.

“Let’s deal with this. We have to stay in the same house for Christmas and I’m uncomfortable enough without you getting shitty with me because I kissed you.”

Cerys looks sharply over her shoulder at Ella.
“Liam! I’ve asked you not to swear when Ella’s around.”

“
She’s asleep.” I push on. “Look, sorry if kissing me was a mistake but it happened.”

“
Liam, this is wrong. We’re wrong. You’re engaged to someone else.”

“No, I’m not.
The engagement’s off.”

Cerys’s mouth parts in surprise. “Oh. Okay. Lou
ise never said.”

“Lou doesn’t know. Honey had an affair. I broke off the engagement and came back here
.” The words are stiff, she’s the first person I’ve told.

Cerys’s eyes soften, searching mine as if looking for a hurt she can acknowledge. “I’m sorry, Liam. That’s horrible.” She pauses. “No wonder you’re looking for something to take your mind off her.”

“I’m not, don’t put yourself down like that! I’m attracted to you; I kissed you. You think this is about what else I want? Well, I sure as hell wasn’t intending on dragging you to bed and using you. If you knew anything about me, you’d know I don’t do that!”

Cerys
studies her hands. “Okay, sorry. Let’s forget about it.”

“
If that’s what you want,” I say, irritation still tingeing my words.

“
I get you’re hurting. I’m hurting too. We won’t find a solution to that with each other, will we?”

Cerys shifts in her seat to face me and in the small space of the car, her perfume triggers the memory of her lips on mine yesterday. The soft lips I stare at and no longer hear
any more of what she’s saying.

“
I like you,” I blurt.

“
What?”

“
I like you. Well, I could elaborate, but I don’t want slapping.”

Cerys
’s response is interrupted by the sound of Ella’s coat rustling and her mumbling. I look over at the bleary-eyed girl.

“
Are we there? Where’s Santa?” Ella struggles with her child restraint.

Cerys chews her bottom lip
, and then shakes her head slightly before climbing out of the car. As she frees her daughter from the car seat, I lean over so I can see Cerys’s face.

“
Don’t forget to ask Santa what you want for Christmas,” I say to Cerys.

Cerys makes a sound of amusement and doesn
’t reply.

“
I want Santa to bring my daddy for Christmas,” announces Ella.

I turn back and look out of the windscreen in case
Cerys’s eyes fill with tears. Crying women will be the death of me.

****

I don’t go home. Pissed off with the complicated situation I’ve created, I decide to fill my day with the original reason I came back. Christmas. I spend the morning soaking up the atmosphere – the Christmas trees adorning every shop, the crappy festive music in every store, the combination of stress and excitement amidst the other shoppers. Nobody recognises me, or lets on if they do. I’m not that interesting in my home town. A couple of elderly ladies who knew me years ago say hello, but I avoid stopping to speak to them.

I should buy Christmas gifts but as usual
, I have no idea what to get people. Lou promised she’d come shopping in London with me one day, a treat before Christmas. Maybe I should see if Cerys and Ella want to come too.
No
. Bad idea.

I retreat to a local cafe and buy a bacon sandwich and coffee before tucking myself into a corner away from the window. The windows are steamed from the heat of bodies and
the meals cooking. I used to come here with the rest of the guys after school, and I swear it hasn’t been redecorated since. Different owners, but the same yellowing posters advertising fish and chips as ‘the best meal money can buy’ still adorn the walls.

Yawning, I pull out my switched off phone. If I
’m around I could give Cerys a ride back home, but I don’t have her number. If I switch my phone on, I would be assailed with messages from my ex so I tuck it away again.

Ex. I
’ve thought about Honey more today than any point since I left her, in an attempt to rationalise kissing Cerys as okay. Cerys is right though, what we’re doing is a stupid idea, but the niggling part of me who wants to take care of and protect this woman and her daughter confuses. I can’t rewind to a one off kiss years ago. We’re worlds apart now. Look at what happened to Dylan and Sky; they fell apart after a couple of months. Dylan won’t tell me why but I can guess; Blue Phoenix can’t co-exist with the ordinary.

Why can
’t I be more like Jem and have my fun then drop the girl? I smirk to myself, at my non-rock star behaviour. I did all that shit a few years back, and it wasn’t for me. I want stability in a relationship, something I thought I’d found with Honey. Ha fucking ha. If the extraordinary won’t work, doesn’t trying the ordinary make sense?

I stare at the flaking paint on the wall next to me. Cerys isn
’t ordinary; she’s beautiful and strong. Sexy as hell. And unobtainable.

The day heads toward afternoon and hasn
’t brightened, a typical Welsh winter with the bonus of the sky darkening with snow clouds. White Christmas. The giddy kid, Liam, sneaks in. How awesome would it be to go sledging, or build snowmen?

I
walk along the main street, beanie tugged over my ears and decide to check a couple of stores on my way back to the car, in case Cerys is still around somewhere. There aren’t many shops so this doesn’t take long, and I locate her in what passes as a department store in the High Street. I approach her and Ella spots me first.

“
Mummy! Uncle Liam’s here! Show him the picture of Santa.” She scrabbles around in her mum’s bag.

“
I was about to go back to Mum and Dad’s. Did you want a ride?”

Cerys hands the picture to her daughter.
“Oh. Okay, thanks. I just need to get a couple more things.”

Ella thrusts the picture into my face and I nod, not paying attention, before turning back to Cerys. I only have to be a few feet from her and I can sense what
’s between us. This isn’t me wanting to kiss a girl from my past; this is me wanting the girl from my past. Cerys smiles and we’re locked in another hesitant moment together. My stomach lurches, the teenage feelings from last night taking over. I have to do something, take her somewhere, tell her. Show her.

“
You okay?” she asks.

“
Yeah. What did you need? I’ll help. I think it’s going to snow, so we should get back.”

“
Gift wrap and chocolates.”

“
‘Kay.”

I drag myself away from her. She dizzies me without touching, distracts me from everything but an obsession with putting my mouth on hers again, holding her, taking her to bed.
Not good, Liam
.

Is there an art to choosing the right Christmas gift-wrap? I stare at the selection. There
’s fuckloads of colours and rolls. I grab the nearest roll covered in cartoon Santas and holly and turn toward the checkout.

A woman with blonde wavy hair stares at me, blue eyes widened in surprise.
Sky
. What the hell is she doing here? I met her once at Dylan’s party. This is the girl responsible for Dylan’s retreat into the realm of the broken-hearted over the last few months. If Sky is here in St Davids, then Dylan must be. I look around for him too, but he’s not close by.
Shit
, if he sees I have to explain because he knows about my history with Cerys.

“
Hey, Liam. I thought you were in the States for Christmas?” she asks.

“
Yeah. I was. Decided to come home instead. Missing the place, you know. How come you’re here?”

“
Dylan’s visiting his gran.”

Typical, after years of never coming home he chooses this year.
“Really? Wow. St Davids prodigal son returns.”

“
I think this is tough for him, Liam.”

Ostracised by his family for his lifestyle a few years back was tough for him, but when his mum died, Dylan pretended
St Davids didn’t exist anymore. “Yeah, I know the stories, Sky. I’m just surprised that’s all. I’m also surprised to see you with him.”

Sky tucks her hair behind her ear, the white plastic bag in her hand rustling as she does. Are they together again? I was surprised when Dylan chose to come back to the UK for Christmas because he never does. Accompanied by the cautious happiness for Dylan is a voice in my head saying
‘see, it can work with people outside of the lifestyle’.

“I’m glad though. You’re good for him,” I say.

Sky
’s attention is taken by something else and blood drains from my head as Cerys approaches.

“
Did you find anything?” she asks then pauses and glances between Sky and me.

Sky attempts to hide her surprise. She knows I
’m engaged to Honey, but not that the situation is now ‘was’ engaged to Honey. The rest of the world doesn’t know yet and I’m not ready for them to think the worst about me and another woman. The stupidity at wandering around with Cerys in public hits. My comfort with being back in my past has disengaged my brain.

Cerys steps away from me, her attempt to show we
’re not together probably confirms everything Sky is thinking. Cerys shifts her look to me and the panic in her face is clear.

“
Sky, this is Cerys.”

The two women eye each other.
“Dylan’s Sky?”

“
Uncle Liam, did you find the chocolates?” pipes up Ella. Holy crap, I’d forgotten about her. Newspaper headlines about Liam Oliver and his secret love child flash across my vision.

“
Oh, you’re Liam’s sister!” Sky’s face brightens in relief.

Fuck, fuck, fuck
. Me and Cerys look at each other, probably reinforcing further the dodginess of the situation.

“
No, she’s not. She’s a friend,” I say.

Cerys
’s hands tremble as she reaches into her bag and pulls out her purse. “I’ll pay for those, Liam.” She takes the Christmas wrapping paper from my hands and heads for the checkout.

“
Don’t say anything to Dylan,” I say to Sky the moment Cerys is out of earshot.

“
This is none of my business, Liam.”