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"That's besides the point", I retorted quickly, only to gape at her in fascination as two spots of angry red color bloomed to fury on her cheeks.

“What’s the point”, she spoke through clenched teeth, not appreciating the argument.

"Okay, fine, okay, so she got kissed then, what's the problem? Is the guy an oddball or something?" I asked, conjuring all sorts of wacko images, letting my imagination run freely.

Beth must have seen something in my face, as she rushed to assure me, "No, nothing like that Nick, I mean, Andrew is a nice guy and everything."

“Damn it, did you really have to tell me his name”? I’d have a hard time resisting an Andrew hunt now. I'd probably end up smacking all the Andrews and be incarcerated for life.

“Fine, so Andrew is a nice guy, what then?” I exhaled, still not getting the gist of the story.

“Kate’s going to kill me. I really should learn to keep my mouth shut in front of you,” she mumbled, biting her lip.

“Yeah Yeah! We both know how well that’ll go, stop trying to sidetrack me.”

“Kate kissed Andrew. And I didn’t.”

And for the third time tonight, this girl had left me speechless, utterly tongue-tied.

"Jesus Christ, you want to kiss him too. I have got to meet this Andrew”, and punch him in the face. He’s never kissing Beth. Never.

“Good God, no, hahaha, no, I didn’t want to kiss him”, she laughed, distracting me again.

“Are we even speaking English? Because I’m still just as clueless. Who the hell do you want to kiss?” I barked, annoyed at myself for being so annoyed at her.

Why the hell are we talking about this, again? And who the hell does she want to kiss?

“Don’t yell. Kate and I had made a pact that we’d have our first kiss together. She didn’t want to renege on it, but she’s been going steady with Andrew for weeks, so I gave her an out.”

“And now you feel left behind”, I finished, finally understanding.

“It’s not that. It just seems like a kind of milestone, you know. And she crossed that bridge alone. I don’t begrudge her the kiss, and Andrew is nice enough. I just,,,, I don't know, it's foolish!" she exclaimed, exhaling.

This was a very new territory for me. I should've thanked my stars for not being obligated to have this conversation with my sister, because I could very clearly envision where that would've led us. She'd have either laughed it off till she literally dropped, or smothered me with a pillow.

"Beth, it's okay to want to wait. First kisses are kind of memorable. At least for girls." And frankly, I don't want you to kiss someone else. I don't think I can refrain myself from punching the numbskull.

“I know I’m being silly. Forget it. I’ll be okay” She returned to her study table with that, but I knew she was in no way okay. Nor was she being silly.

I didn't think before acting. Partly because I was nervous of her reaction, and the rest of it was because I didn't want to acknowledge my own foolish desire. Thinking was overrated anyways.

So I did what my heart wanted to do. No appraisal, and no regrets. I walked to her study table where she sat dejected, folded her face between my hands, and gave in, to the desperate, almost vicious urge to kiss her. I could have asked her first, or warned her at the least. I didn't. Instead I moved towards her, inch by little inch, keeping my eyes fixed on hers in silent demand, as my lips crossed the excruciating distance, my breath fanning her face as her eyelids fluttered and closed in mute acceptance. And we kissed, a light peck on her lips, her first kiss.

"Charity kiss?" she whispered softly when our lips separated. Hers were nice and pink. I had no clue how mine were. Hungry perhaps, drooling too. And because my hungry lips couldn't resist, I laid another swift one on hers before she could comprehend.

“No, it wasn’t, no. How can you see it that way?”

If at all we had to label it such, it was the kind of charity I had bestowed upon myself, after endless months of fighting the inevitable.

“Then why did you kiss me?”

“Because I wanted to. Because I wanted your first kiss to be special, and I wanted that with you. Because everything about you is special Beth. And because I didn't want to punch another douchebag for stealing that away from me".

A tentative, shy smile graced her lips as she quickly turned away to bite that briefly kissed lower lip of hers, and my world took yet another spin on its axis. Beth.

Now

“Look, the mistletoe is still hanging from the arch", Beth points towards it during her evening toing and froing on the porch swing.

"Hmm", I nod noncommittally, "Mom must have forgotten to remove it."

"It looks nice up there", she comments a little too casually, and I look up immediately to find her still admiring it.

"Maybe", I shrug, "It looks old and shriveled up to me", I declare, swallowing a laugh as she screws up her face in a semblance of a frustrated pout and sighs in defeat.

"It didn't look old and shriveled when you kissed Drew under it", she blurts out and I quickly avert my face to hide my douchey grin.

"Nope", I speak through ill-concealed laughter, "It was all fresh and new then", and watch her scrunch her mouth in a classical imitation of a McKayla's scowl.

The laughter spurts out of me and she kicks me off the swing.

"Hey", I laugh uproariously, rubbing my butt in the process "If you want me to kiss you, just say so".

"Huh", she scoffs, folding her hands on her lap demurely before adding "in your dreams".

"Oh yeah, in my dreams I kiss you every day. Every single dream", I reply and watch the beginnings of a tiny smile which she tries to hide.

"Really?" she asks after a beat, and I grin at her shamelessly, earning a pillow on my face.

"Really", I nod, "why dream a dream that doesn't involve kissing?" I answer, positioning myself on my knees with my face close to hers.

"So, you're okay with kissing just anybody, as long as its kissing you're doing?" she questions, unconsciously leaning towards me

"Nope, not just anybody", I whisper, bringing my lips closer to hers.

And then I tumble her down, off the swing and onto my waiting lap, before folding the bundle of scowling joy in my arms and kissing the scowl right out of her.

15.2 Memories

Memory 10001

Then

“
It’s a merry merry Christmas. A merry MERRY CHRISTMAAAAS.”

“Kids, what the hell is the matter with you two?”

Kids, a.k.a Kate and Beth were prancing around the living room, with an obscene amount of cookie crumbs in their mouths while they sang the discordant parody in an unbelievably spot-on imitation of a rabbit, each word louder than the last.

“Okay, what is this about?” I asked, giving up trying to figure the loons. Giving up trying to work on my science project too.

“It’s Christmas, Nicholas”, Kate crooned before pirouetting across the sofa.

“It’s a week before Christmas. And I don’t see why you bunnies have to make such a racket about it. Go play in your room”, I added with a grin just to spite Beth, who was going to spout venom any time now.

IN THREE, TWO, ONE____

“Play in our room. PLAY IN OUR ROOM. WHY AM I GOING TO PLAY IN MY ROOM? I’ll play wherever I want to. DO YOU HEAR ME? Just because you are an old bag of bones without a holiday spirit, doesn’t mean we are too. Play in your room, huh. Sir Oldy Macbones.”

“Who did you just call Oldy, huh?” I scowled with menace, reaching her in three quick strides and lifting her on my shoulders while Kate squealed with newfound fervor.

"Heyyyy, put me down, you oaf. Aunt Clare, AUNT CLARE", she screamed on top of her lungs, kicking and punching me wherever she could.

"Yeah, call her like the sissy you are. Can't handle it like a man, can you?" I teased, enjoying this interlude more than anticipated.

“That is because I AM NOT A MAN”, she screamed in my ears, and kicked ferociously, just missing the__ well, jewels, by a hair’s breadth.

Oh yeah. She wasn’t. A fact for which I thanked the Lord daily.

“Put me down, will you? I’m sorry for calling you Oldy”, she said in a more subdued voice, making me immediately suspicious. Which was confirmed a second later when mom twisted my ears behind me, making me yelp in pain.

“Ouch, Mom, what the hell?” I rubbed my red ears in agony while the culprit laughed like a she-devil.

“Language Nicholas”, mom admonished and added “and I don’t want to see you trouble the girls. Leave them be”.

"But why are you scolding me", I whined like the sixteen-year-old I was, "why aren't you hauling them for singing like two wackos and disturbing me."

“Because, Nicholas”, she spoke patiently “It’s a Merry Merry Christmas”.

Now

“What are we doing here?”

We're sitting in the living room on the sofa by the fireplace. Beth is covered from head to her little toes by my black overcoat I had draped on her earlier. It practically drowns her dainty body, leaving only her head visible above its collar. I get busy covering said head with a huge Santa Claus hat I'd bought for her, while Rudolf the red nose reindeer filters through the stereos in the background.

"We are celebrating Christmas, Nicholas style", I answer, tucking the hat firmly in place.

"With Rudolf?" she sniffs as I squeeze her nose.

"Absolutely, there's no better way to do it", I smile and give her nose an extra twitch.

"But, we're starting the day with something else, something more recent and funkier", I claim, before connecting my iPod to the stereo, and watch her merry eyes crinkle with excitement as Kristen Bell begins to sing,

This holiday

You'll be far away

And I'll be all alone

So please remember

This December

To fully charge your phone

And

Text me Merry Christmas

Let me know you care

Just a word or two

Of text from you

Will remind me

you're st

ill there

Y
ou don't have to add much to it

One smiley face will do

Baby text me Merry Christmas

Cause I'm missing kissing you

Text me Merry Christmas

Make my holiday complete

Though you're far from me

Say you'll brb

That's a text I'll never delete

Choose just the right emoji

One that makes me lol

And if you text me something naughty

I promise I won't tell

"I join in when Mike starts crooning and Beth chimes in along with Kristen, laughing uproariously as I drone on about tweets and texts and emojis, completely massacring the song on my way.



Next comes Rudolph the red nose reindeer and I continue until the second verse when she clutches her stomach with both hands, laughing hysterically at my Santa impersonation.

“Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la, la la la la", I begin, grasping her hand and twirling her around the room, my voice getting raspier with every song we sing, my eyes shining brighter as she laughs and sings with me, cackling every now and then, then joining in again. Towards the end of the hour, we're both humming softly, smiling at each other and swaying in each other's arms, not wanting this moment to end. I brush her cheek with the back of my hand and watch entranced, as a faint tinge of red appears on her cheeks at the obvious intent in my eyes.

"May I?" I probe gently, and slowly inch towards her with my eyes open, watching and waiting for her to say no. When the dreaded no does not come, I lean forward and lightly touch my lips to hers, before tracing her lips with my tongue once, her eyes with my fingers, her cheeks with my thumb. I kiss her softly on the forehead, I kiss her on her tiny lip mole, I kiss her until we're entwined in one, and then she kisses me some more.

I’m stronger than words and I’m bigger than the box I’m in, and then I see her in the crowd and I fall apart

David Levithan

I’m stronger than words and I’m bigger than the box I’m in, and then I see her in the crowd and I fall apart

David Levithan