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After a few minutes of staring into each other's, she closes her eyes and murmured, "I wish I could go back in time and relive those memories. I wish I could live in those memories, when love was new and uncomplicated."

I lean back on the bed against the pillows and gather her in my arms, softly embracing.

She sighs one last time before whispering, " I missed you Nicholas", and promptly falls asleep. It was a probable consequence of the sleep-inducing anti-anxiety drugs she'd been prescribed.

I tuck her more firmly against my chest and kiss her forehead, before deciding on a plan of action to make that wish come true.

The next few days were beautiful in a sense I'd never ever take for granted again. Beth was more open, more comfortable with us now that the secrets were behind us. She also ate more, though not enough to satisfy me or mom, who was constantly baking her favorite cakes and pies to balance out the green leafy vegetables she so generously added to our meals. Dad watched us from afar, and I could see how badly he wanted to hug her, but couldn't, in fear of her response. Uncle Cam kept his lovable pats to a minimum for the same reason, though both the dads were happy to see their daughter smile as she asked for an extra pretzel, or give a happy sigh after a lazy swing on the porch every evening. There were momentary lapses when she crawled into herself, not speaking or hearing anything, but they were further and fewer between bouts of unexpected cheerfulness as she resumed her witty banters and sparkling comebacks whenever Kate and I engaged her in a conversation.

Nights were a difficult time for her, and she rarely slept dreamlessly. Kate and I had resorted to sleeping with her to watch over her while she slept as much as she could, as peacefully as we could manage. I didn't like the arrangement at first but gave in, when Kate insisted that Beth was in need of good company, of the female variety that is, and Beth had quietly agreed. Mom was always present for her day naps, soothing and shushing her when she cried out in sleep.

The days passed quickly, and I tried to fill them with as many new memories as I could.

“Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depths of some devine despair

Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,

In looking on the happy autumn fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more.”

Alfred Lord Tennyson

“Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depths of some devine despair

Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,

In looking on the happy autumn fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more.”

Alfred Lord Tennyson

15. Memories

Memory 101

Then

Hey


Hey yourself


What are you doing?

Toasting my feet. What are you doing?

“I’m texting you Beth”, I laughed out loud from outside her room.

“From right outside the door?” she asked, one eyebrow quirked in amusement, as I walked into her room loaded with a stack of CDs in my arm. Beth was perched on the very edge of the bed, a pair of very adorable looking glasses in place, and a book which
looked like a classic in hand, while she quite literally toasted her feet in front of the room heater. She followed my gaze and smiled sheepishly at my disapproving frown.

“You know these things give you a headache Beth, why do you have it on?”, I chided, turning off the heater.

“Hey”, she protested, attempting to stop me with one hand outstretched towards the switch and the other curled around the bed post trying to steady her already precarious balance. I settled the matter by swatting her hands away.

“Scoot over”, I sighed impatiently while she huffed and puffed.

“I had it on all for 5 minutes when you came and turned it off. Now how will I warm my feet”?

"Is that all? Fine, scoot over", I repeated, swallowing another grin when she grumbled and shook her head in mutiny. She did however, comply with my request a few seconds later, just as I was about to make the most of this promising moment by picking her up and depositing her on my lap. Well, the moment was lost, and I took my place beside her beneath the covers of two very heavy blankets. And my gloom was quickly replaced by elation at the closeness. Her vanilla scent filled my senses, and for now I was completely content.

After placing the CDs on the side stand, I adjusted the bed covers to make room for me, then covered us both with her blanket in a warm cocoon. By this time, Beth was flushing beetroot red and I was thoroughly enjoying the view, rubbing her sock covered feet with mine, watching that blush bloom with satisfaction.

"What are you doing", she whispered, embarrassed, as she stared at the covers where our feet lay beneath, but not embarrassed enough to move her feet away. I was prepared to do battle if she did. The fact that I wouldn’t have to made me really really happy.

"Warming your feet, and this is a much healthier way to do it. And it won't give you any headaches either. In fact, I'm pretty sure it can cure all your impending headaches", I teased, and watched her chew on her lip with a perverse satisfaction.


“What are those CDs?” she pointed towards the stack, changing the subject. I leaned back to obstruct her vision of them. She pursed her lips and glared at me.

“These CDs”, I explained, picking them up one by one, “are Disney movies of your choice. You wanted to have a moviethon with our childhood characters, and this is me fulfilling your dream duchess, and being rewarded by a mutinous glare while we’re at it.”

Her face lit like a Christmas tree as she snatched those CDs from my hands, flipping them over and over and reading their names out loud in childlike delight.

"Can we watch them all tonight?" she grinned like an angel, and I knew I couldn't deny her anything. I was gone for her, gone for this girl that was my life. Gone beyond the point of retreat. And I didn't want it any other way. I caught her chin, pulling her towards me to place a short and sweet kiss on her lips, but of course it was nowhere near as short or sweet as I had planned. It was long and crazy, and perhaps a little too spicy, just like it always was. She blushed from the roots of her hair right down to the tip of her little toes now tucked beneath me, and kissed me back. I kissed her long and unhurried, kissed her blush away, then kissed her some more, until we were so out of breath, we were gasping before pulling apart. I folded her in my arms, where I held her firm and secure, anticipating a lifetime of kisses and jokes and blushes.

Now

I enter her room without knocking, not wanting to disturb her if she was napping. She had been napping a lot since she came here. Uncle Cameron believes it's because she's comfortable enough to catch up for all the sleep she lost in her own house. This was her true home in every way that counted.

She's sprawled on the edge of the bed beneath the covers, her eyes closed in peaceful slumber, her mahogany locks spread in chaotic ripples around her face, her lips slightly parted as she sleeps fitfully, judging from the mess that was her blanket. I peek closer, my intentions of not disturbing her warring with the sudden painful urge to kiss her awake. As I stretch my hand to adjust her blanket, she suddenly opens her eyes and looks right back at me.

"Hey", she smiles, holding my extended hand from under the blanket.

"Hey yourself. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I tried being quiet, though. Well, so much for my stealth", I smile back squeezing her hand in return.

"I wouldn't doubt your stealth. I just…. I just felt you", she mumbles, somewhat embarrassed at the revelation.

"What are those CDs?" she blurts, betraying her discomposure at my knowing smirk.

"These CDs are a part of tonight's entertainment", I answer before placing them on the bed one by one, watching her carefully for any signs of pain or discomfort at the bittersweet memory. But all I see is unadulterated joy and guileless longing as she skims through the titles, turning each CD over and over, much like she used to when she was a child.

"Aren't we too old for Disney movies", she asks uncertainly, her eyes fixed on her lap full of CDs.

"Maybe, but who cares. Growing old is inevitable, growing up, a choice, remember? Plus, no one's ever too old for a Disney movie." With that, I pick the ‘Three Callaberos' from her lap as she shifts aside to make space for me.

"Not too far, Beth. I need more leg room in there," exclaims Kate, who prances merrily from the doorway across the room, eyeing our close proximity with a weird grin, "unless you guys wanna make out. Then I’ll just sit in between”, she finishes mischievously.

"Buzzkill", I murmur casually, watching her wink at Beth, who's busy fidgeting with the CDs.

We start with Fantasia and work our way chronologically through Pinocchio, The Reluctant Dragon, and Victory Through Air Power. Beth falls asleep on my shoulders halfway through the third one, and Kate begins to snore almost immediately after, having exhausted her quota of the microwaved popcorn. I lay her head back on the pillow, careful not to wake herbed, when she opens her eyes once more and says, "Don't go. Sleep here."

And so I do. And we sleep till morning, all three of us crammed like crazy on the same bed, completely comfortable and
well rested.

15.1 Memories

Memory 1001

Then

"Why are you sulking?" I questioned, setting aside my accounts textbook to figure out the reason behind her sulk. She'd been in this mood since morning, not really unhappy, but not happy either. We had celebrated her mother's birthday 2 days ago, which was Beth's way of keeping her memories alive, but I didn't want her to be sad about those memories.

"Speak up", I probed gently, not wanting to further upset her, but not ready to give in despite her silent denials.

“It’s nothing really, I have a headache, maybe?”

“Maybe? You’re not sure, are you? What the hell is the matter? Out with it! I’m not watching you mope like this.”

“Then turn your head around”, she returned angrily, a sheen of moisture filling her eyes. It was the tears that made me bite back my retort.

I sighed, not knowing what to do. Situations like these had me at a disadvantage. I couldn't let her be sad by herself, it wasn't in my nature to leave her alone like that. In the end, my concern for her outweighed everything else.

“Beth”, I began, feeling confused by the emotions she was capable of invoking in me. Tears had always been my weakness, her tears were capable of driving me insane.

I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I fingered a stray curl, tucking it behind her ears and repeated my question, more softly this time “What is it, duchess?”

“She got kissed”, she blurted out, stunning us both.

“Who, who got kissed?” I asked, not expecting this at all.

“Kate”, she mumbled tearfully, leaving me speechless. I couldn’t believe my ears, Kate, my fifteen-year-old Katy got kissed. It took me five minutes to process this news, and a half a minute to work up an angry scowl.

“Oh my freaking God___KATE, what are you girls doing, kissing at 15 years of age?" I growled like a wolf, startling her, as she jerked her face away from my hands which were momentarily poised behind her ears.

"That's so… so typically chauvinistic, how old you were you when you first kissed?" she snapped back, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration. She looked so beautiful in that moment, I sat staring at her like a stupid pig, wanting desperately to kiss her. And then I cursed myself for being a chauvinistic pig with double standards.